Needing To Fall

by Ryan Michele

  No more running. No more hiding. I had wiped my incubator from my life and all her toxicity. Now I needed to get right with Drew. I needed to know that he was okay. I needed closure, just like Andi had tried to get me all those months ago. She had been right then. I hadn’t seen it and reacted. It was time to be proactive, instead.

  Knowledge is power. Lynx’s words rang through my head. It was time to get the knowledge so I could move on.

  Even as I flew through the air, letting the wind take my hair whichever direction it wanted, I felt the change in me. I had lived in the dark for so long, but I had a choice. I could either stay in the dark or make it so my life was filled with more moments like these. I chose to live.

  If going to see Drew would help me to move to that, I would do it.

  I hadn’t told Lynx yet, but I planned on going there after my talk with Wrestler McMann the next day. I knew he would be by my side if I asked him. Nevertheless, I was going to do it on my own two feet. I was a woman now, not some scared child. I had choices now, and I was going to make the best ones for me. I was putting me first.

  “You about ready?” Lynx moved to the side of the swing.

  I gave him a pouty lip. “Already?” I mock whined, playing with him.

  He smiled. “Already? We’ve been at this for over an hour.”

  We had? Damn. Time always flew by when I spent it with Lynx. It was so natural, easy, like I was meant to be with this man.

  I slowed the swing and hopped off with a giggle, walking right into Lynx’s arms. I stood up on my tiptoes and connected my lips to his. Each time I tasted him, he tasted better and better.

  It only took seconds before the kiss turned scorching, and we had to pull away for fear we would blow up Lynx’s backyard. Yes, he had a swing that hung from a tree in his backyard. It was beautiful out there, serene, relaxing. Some nights, we would eat dinner out on the deck before I went to work if I didn’t meet Andi because she had a shift. Luckily, tonight was my night off.

  The tips were helping me out tremendously, and with Andi not allowing me to pay for anything, I was saving every penny. Soon, I would be able to get my own place and my own car. That would be freedom, independence, and power coming back in my life full-fledged.

  “Come on. I’ve got snacks set up and the movie queued up, ready to go.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and led me up to the house.

  It was amazing how comfortable I felt in this space and how wonderful I felt just being with Lynx.

  The evening had been going so well, just like every other evening I had spent with Lynx. After the movie, we climbed into bed. I loved that he never pushed me when it came to being close, but tonight … Tonight, I was ready for more. I needed Lynx like I needed to breathe. I was ready to live.

  I turned over, our faces inches apart when Lynx opened his eyes, questioning me. I answered his look by kissing him with every bit of emotion I felt yet didn’t have the guts to say.

  Our lips melded together in a dance so beautiful I almost didn’t want to stop it, but I did.

  I sat up and straddled him. Then, gripping the hem of my shirt, I lifted it from my body, exposing my breasts to him. I was nervous, so damn nervous I would mess this up or not do it right. However, I just went with my instinct and didn’t second-guess myself a thousand times like I had done a few days prior. I had known it was coming, and I had tried to prepare myself. Regardless, nothing could prepare you for the way a guy looked at you like Lynx was looking at me. It was like I was the only woman he had ever wanted in his entire life, and I was beautiful to him.

  Lynx coughed. “What’s going on, Reign?” he asked, his hands clenching on my thighs. He wanted to touch me, but he was holding himself back for me. I loved how he took care of me.

  I spoke softly, “Touch me.”

  He paused. “Reign, you’ve gotta tell me where this is going, babe.” He coughed again. “I’m doing my damnedest to hold back and not push, but this is like letting a lion out of its cage after being tempted.”

  I liked that I tempted him, that I could feel his erection through his pajama pants. I did this to him. That in itself was a hefty thing. It was power, control.

  I gripped his hands and brought them to my breasts. He didn’t move them, but the lust pouring from his eyes told me he liked where they were.

  “I need to feel you, Lynx,” I told him, moving his hands for him, the warmth seeping into my body.

  “Fuck, babe. Are you sure about this?”

  I stilled my hands and leaned down to his lips. “I’ve never been surer about anything in my life.” Then I kissed him as his hands worked my breasts, sending pings throughout my body.

  I pulled back briefly. “You need to be patient with me and let me be on top.” I needed that control, to not be pinned down. I knew it would help me to have that little bit of an escape if I needed it, which I hoped I wouldn’t. There was that damn H-word again. I was starting to feel it more and more as the days passed.

  “Anything you need, Reign. Anything.”

  I kissed him, showing him how much those words meant to me. And they meant the world.

  His skin twitched as I moved my hands down then pulled his shirt from his body. He was gorgeous. There was no denying it. From the muscles where they needed to be to the tattoos lining his arms, everything about him was beautiful.

  I sat up and raked my small nails down his chest, watching each muscle twitch as they went down.

  “That smile is about to undo me, babe.”

  Our eyes connected as I stood from the bed, pulling my pants down along with my underwear. He sucked in a breath so deeply I didn’t think there would be any air left in the room for me.

  “Damn.”

  I had shown my body before, of course, but never to a man who looked at me like Lynx did, not one who held my heart, which he probably didn’t even know.

  “Your turn,” I told him.

  He removed his clothes without taking his eyes off me. As the pajamas flew by me, I took in all that was Lynx while he lay there, letting me take my fill.

  His legs were toned from all the running and his training. It was his penis that caught my attention, though. I had never paid much attention to them before, but the thickness and the way it jutted out to his bellybutton had me a little worried everything would work between us.

  Instead of straddling him, I let my nerves win for the moment and lay next to him. “I don’t really know what to do,” I said then quickly added, “I mean, I know what to do, but I … don’t.” I sounded so stupid, so immature for my years. Lynx had to have had a lot of practice at this, while there I was, nervous to even touch him.

  “Do you want me to guide you?” he asked, his hand brushing away the stray hair that fell to my eye.

  “Yes.”

  “I need your hand around me. I want you to feel me.”

  I did as he had said, feeling the steeliness of him, yet the flesh was so soft. His hand gripped mine, squeezing him more tightly than I ever would have. I followed him.

  “Just like that … up and down.” Then he groaned, “Okay, babe, gotta stop.”

  I smiled at that, loving getting to him.

  “I need to get you ready for me. You have two choices: either lay your pretty, little ass down on the bed, or you can bring that sexy, little pussy up to my lips.”

  An excited, lustful thrill raced through me, and I went with my gut.

  “Lips.”

  “Get up here.”

  Tentatively, I crawled up his chest. He positioned my knees on either side of his head, and I couldn’t help feeling a bit embarrassed. He didn’t see it that way, though.

  “Fuck, I’ve wanted to taste you since I saw you.” His hot mouth attached to my flesh, and everything in my head left, my focus solely on the man between my legs.

  He readied me, slipping his fingers in and out, and I was right there, ready to explode, but he then stopped.

  I looked down at him with wide eyes. “What are ya doin
g? Don’t stop!” I almost cried.

  “Babe, trust me?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Then you come on my dick. I wasn’t planning this, but I have condoms in the bathroom.”

  I smiled before removing myself from the bed and going to my small bag where I had packed foil packets.

  “Had this planned out, did ya?” He gave that sexy, flirty smile that made my heart flutter.

  “Something like that.” I handed him the packet, and he placed the condom on his shaft. “I’m a little scared,” I told him honestly. That was what we had between us: talking and honesty. I knew I would always give that to him.

  “I know, my little rabbit. Take it nice and slow.”

  While he waited for me, I felt absolutely no pressure from him, but I did feel it from myself. I wanted to make this good, make this right—perfect for him and for me. I had never had a gentle touch in this way until Lynx, and I didn’t want to mess that up.

  Slowly, I straddled him again and sucked in deeply.

  “Why don’t you kiss me?” he suggested.

  I dove on it. I didn’t see it as an out; I saw it as a way to get myself right. It was the right choice as my body lit up.

  Before I realized I was doing it, I was guiding him into my body. I ripped away from his lips as I sat on his hips, him fully inside of me. I stared into his eyes, hoping he would see everything I couldn’t put into words. Then he rocked my world.

  “You are the most beautiful thing on this planet. I’m so fucking happy I was in that hospital with you, so damn happy you snipped at me and made me want to know you. You, Reign, are my light. You make my world right. You are my everything.”

  A tear rolled down my cheek. My heart was so full I swore it would burst from my chest.

  “I love you, Reign.”

  More tears fell as I let his words seep into my soul. He loved me. Me. Reign. Problems, issues, everything, this strong man loved me.

  I wanted to say it back, but I couldn’t form the words. They were lodged in my throat. All I could do was show him.

  I moved up and down on him, our eyes never leaving one another’s. The build came quickly. Still, I couldn’t look away from Lynx, his hips moving with mine as we came together in a rush.

  It was the single best experience of my entire life.

  “Reign…” came out of Nurse Hatchet’s mouth on a soft, happy sigh.

  I turned to see the woman who had given so much of herself to me during my stay at the hospital.

  I had taken most of what she had given me at the time for granted, telling myself it was her job. As I looked back, though, I realized she didn’t have to tell me about her struggles or give me more than her job required. She had done it because she gave a shit. That was something I could never repay her for. That was something I would never forget and would carry with me forever.

  Nurse Hatchet’s smile filled the white space as she held her hands together in front of her. I knew she wanted to reach out and envelop me in a hug, but she held back. She knew me, knew my struggles. Regardless, this was my nurse, the one I had grown close to when I had told myself I wouldn’t. Therefore, I stepped close, sucked in a deep breath, and wrapped my arms around the lady.

  Her body stilled only momentarily before she reciprocated. In my ear, her raspy breath told me she was fighting back tears, so I didn’t move. I didn’t want to see her with tears for me. She was my strong, take-no-shit nurse, and that was who she would always be for me.

  I waited until her breathing came back to normal before I slowly pulled away. She swiped at her face, clearing all the wetness, something I was grateful for.

  “How are you?” she asked as she took a step back.

  “I think I’m good,” I told her honestly.

  She burst out laughing. “You think you’re good?”

  I smiled back at her widening eyes, but she masked it quickly.

  “Yes. I have really good days, and I’ve had some bad days, but I’m still here, so I think I’m learning how to cope with the bad.”

  “You have no idea how proud I am of you.”

  My breath lodged in my throat as my heart tightened as if strings were wrapped around it so strongly it would burst. She was proud … of me. Maybe she knew what those words meant to me, or maybe she didn’t, but I was holding on to them for dear life. It felt so damn good to have someone feel that way about me, especially since I felt it, too. I felt the pride in making the choices I had since getting out. Her reiterating it only gave me more confidence that I was doing something right.

  “Thank you,” I said softly.

  “You need to get to your appointment.” She pointed to the white door I had walked in so many other times, but this time, I was a different person. I wasn’t the same. I was still me, just different.

  Nurse Hatchet knocked on the door for me before it opened, revealing Wrestler McMann standing there with his bald self.

  “Reign, I’m so glad you came. Please come in.”

  I smiled one last time at my nurse then entered the space.

  It seemed so much bigger than I remembered, despite it being the same pictures on the walls, same chairs, and couch. There was no chair next to his desk where Lynx would sit, but that was okay. I didn’t feel that overwhelming panic I had when he hadn’t been there before. I knew he had my back, but I also had two legs that I held myself up on.

  He pointed to the chair I had sat in before, and I sat while he walked around the desk, sitting in his seat.

  “Tell me how you’ve been,” he opened with a huge smile on his face.

  I felt the apprehension creep up, but I pushed it down. “Good. Learning.”

  “Wonderful. What have you learned?”

  I breathed out. “That I’m not the scared child I was before. I have choices. Before, I didn’t see it that way. I thought I was drowning in a world that I didn’t want to be part of. I didn’t see my choices. I thought my life was all laid out, and I just existed.”

  “And now?” he prompted.

  “Oh, now …?” I stopped, thinking about what to say. “There’s fun out there, and I’d like to explore it.”

  “Have you been taking your medicine every day?”

  “Yes.” I had, like clockwork. I had even set an alarm on my phone to remind me.

  “I can tell by your words that you’ve seen a difference?” It wasn’t a statement; it was more of a question.

  “I don’t really know if it’s the medicine or that I’m getting out there and trying new things. But Lynx told me that even though I’m feeling good, I need to keep taking it.”

  He leaned back in his chair. “Ah, Lynx. I was wondering if you were going to mention him.”

  A blush crept up my cheeks, but I didn’t say anything.

  “He came and found you,” he surmised, and I nodded. “Talk to me, Reign.”

  “He’s Lynx,” was all I responded with because that was enough for me.

  “All right, I’ll let that one go for the moment. Did you find your mother?”

  Anger bubbled in my veins at the mention of my mother. She didn’t deserve the title.

  “Yes. She’s a bitch.” I explained how she had treated me and what she had said. I tried to not let the knife dig inside of me, but it was there. I then concluded with, “It’s on her, not me. It was her choice to cheat on her husband. I just suffered the consequences.”

  “I see. What about your biological father?”

  My nerves spiked. “Lynx is working on that.”

  He pressed, “What about Drew?”

  Preparing myself to talk about Drew hadn’t gone as planned. I still ached from the words he had told me in my dream. Regardless, I had already made up my mind that I was going to see him because I needed to. I needed to shut that door on my life so I could be open to the possibilities of my future.

  “I’m going to see him.” I told the doctor about my plan to do it on my own, even telling him about the dream and my fears that he would ha
te me.

  He rubbed the bottom of his chin. “You really have come a long way, Reign.”

  I felt good about that, too.

  ***

  As I stared at the house, the drowning feeling didn’t come like last time. Nothing had changed except for the bushes getting trimmed along with the grass. I hadn’t told Lynx I was coming here. I had wanted to as we lay in bed together that morning and he asked me what my plans were for the day. Consequently, I felt as if I were deceiving him when I really wasn’t. I just needed to do this for me.

  I knew Lynx would have wanted to come with me, but I also knew, if I asked him not to, he wouldn’t. As a result, I didn’t understand myself not wanting to tell him. I guessed it was to prove to myself that I could do it on my own, that I was strong enough to handle whatever was thrown at me without anyone’s help.

  I borrowed Andi’s car, sitting in the same exact spot as last time, feeling a sense of déjà vu hit me as my gut wanted to start twisting. I fought it, though. I needed to talk to Drew. I needed to shut this part of my life down and move on. I didn’t know how I would do that, but I needed to figure it out.

  I was nervous; don’t get me wrong. The uncertainty of the situation warranted it, but it was something that needed to be done. It shouldn’t be too hard, considering he had a family now. I just needed to know one question.

  Why didn’t he come and find me? That was the one thing plaguing me. I felt like that one little question was what was holding me back from truly finding myself.

  Drumming up the courage I must have had buried deep inside of me, I exited the car and walked up to the front door. Fear, uncertainty, and nerves cracked me everywhere. I was really going to see the boy—well, the man—whom I had thought was dead. I also felt a slight bit of excitement about it, even though the nerves were masking that part until it was almost nonexistent.

  Sucking in deeply, I knocked on the front door. Each second that passed, the nerves electrified my system to the point my palms were sweating and my heart felt as if it were going to jump out of my chest and run down the street in a sprint.