Needing To Fall

by Ryan Michele

  I didn’t look back. I didn’t want to know what those guys were going to do to Trey.

  I hoped I never crossed paths with them when they were pissed at me.

  ***

  “What’s wrong?”

  I had thought Lynx was asleep, so I was being quiet not to disturb him, but I was wrong.

  “Just can’t sleep.” I hadn’t been sleeping well since our talk with Trey, and that had been four nights before. It wasn’t Drew who haunted my thoughts anymore. No, it was Trey, and that scared the shit out of me.

  “Babe, what did we talk about? No lies. Talk.”

  I sighed deeply. “I keep having dreams of Trey coming to claim his marker.”

  Lynx stilled. I could almost hear his teeth grinding in the back of his mouth. “I swear to you that motherfucker will never touch you. Ever.”

  I believed him, but that didn’t stop my mind from conjuring up different scenarios in my head. It was creepy as hell.

  “I know.”

  “Nah, babe. He’s gone. A memory. What he did fucking pisses me off, but it’s done. We know why now; we have our answers. Now we move on.”

  I burrowed deeper into his warmth, loving the way his hot body made me so warm.

  “Yeah,” I breathed out, snuggling into him.

  “Pepper, come here, girl.” I whistled to get the dog’s attention. When she ran around the corner and darted to me, I threw the ball with all of my might, and Pepper chased after it.

  We had been playing like this for over an hour, and neither of us were tired of it. Funny how something so mundane as playing catch with a dog could bring me so much joy. Lynx was right; her companionship meant the world to me.

  The sun was shining, and birds were chirping. The light breeze made it a perfect day. The only thing that would have made it better would be if Lynx would get back.

  He had said he had some jobs to take care of, but he hadn’t told me anything about them. In some strange way, I got it. I understood he wouldn’t be able to tell me things about his job, and while I feared for his safety, I never badgered him for information when he got home. If it was something I needed to know, he would tell me.

  Pepper brought the ball back, tail wagging, and dropped it at my feet.

  “Again?”

  She barked.

  “All right.” I heaved the ball, and she took off after it.

  I needed to come to a decision about Devin—whether to tell him about Drew or to let it go. I didn’t know what the right thing to do was. My mind kept flipping and flopping, wrestling with the words yes and no constantly.

  The smile on Devin’s face came into my head with images of his wife and kid. He had everything and was happy. If I told him this, it would change his world, but in reality, nothing would different. Drew would still be dead, and he would grieve for a brother he never knew and suffer that pain the rest of his life. I knew that pain, carried it around for so damn long it dug into my soul. I didn’t want that for him or his family.

  Yet, didn’t he have a right to know? To understand the guy Drew was, to know he had family, even if he was gone from this earth?

  As I continued to throw the ball and Pepper brought it back, I felt something settle in my chest. I knew my answer. I knew what I was going to do.

  “Babe?” was called from the back of the house.

  I turned to see my man standing there in a dark T-shirt, torn jeans, and looking utterly handsome. And I loved him with everything I had inside. I had never thought I would have that or be able to give that of myself, but with Lynx, it came naturally, which made it all the more special.

  I jogged up to him. “Hey.”

  His smile widened. “Babe, I think you need to go back where you were and run back here.”

  I quirked my brow, wondering what he was playing at.

  “When you run, your tits do a little dance for me.”

  Warmth crept up my neck and face. He had been doing this more lately, being open about his want for me, and I was doing my best not to let it fluster me, but my body did every time, giving me away.

  I smacked him on the arm playfully. “Stop it.”

  He pulled me into his arms and kissed me deeply and hard, sucking the breath out of me. When he pulled away, it took me a second to get my bearings.

  I opened my eyes to see his smiling face peering down at me.

  “You love it.” He pecked me on the lips.

  I did.

  “Whatever,” I said. “I decided what to do about Devin,” I blurted out, just needing to get it out of my head.

  His smile fell as he walked us over to the rocking chair and sat me on his lap. We had talked a few times about what had happened with Trey, Devin, and Drew over the past week, but Lynx had never pushed me on anything. I appreciated that because I was always afraid I was going to get pulled under from the garbage that kept landing in my lap. Proudly, I had held myself together, though, fighting through the darkness and staying in the light, doing things like playing ball with Pepper or taking her for a walk. I would also go running or meet up with Andi to chat.

  I refused to get sucked down, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t happen. Each day was a battle and a journey. Some days were a little harder than others, such as the days after learning about Trey, but I pulled through and lived.

  Making this decision was a huge hurdle for me, so I needed to get it out.

  “I decided I’m not going to tell Devin.” I sucked in a breath and kept going before he said anything. “I know it probably makes me a shitty person for not telling him, but I know the pain of losing something, Lynx. Devin will spend the rest of his life playing the ‘what if’ game, and it won’t bring Drew back. I don’t want to be the one to cause him that torment or give him that demon that he’ll never be able to chase away. He’s happy and has a family. His life is good. I don’t want to be the one to fuck that up.”

  Lynx rocked us in the chair, my head resting on his shoulder as the rhythmic sounds of the chair going back and forth fluttered in my head. He said nothing for so long I started to get worried and second-guess myself.

  “You think I should tell him?” We’d had this conversation before yet only really discussed the pros and cons.

  “Babe.” He began stroking my back as he spoke. “Either choice is shitty, but you’re right. You can’t bring Drew back for Devin. Sure, you could tell him some stories, but it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t be like siblings, like me and my sister. I get it. I support you and think you made the right decision.”

  I let out the air I hadn’t realized I was holding and relaxed into his body. The relief that he didn’t think I was a flaming idiot making horrible decisions made me love him all the more.

  He gave me a squeeze. “All right, we’ve got somewhere to be.”

  I jolted up, startled. “Where?”

  “Just trust me.”

  At that, I smiled.

  The drive was only twenty minutes in when he started to slow.

  Eyeing a cemetery, I grabbed his arm as the panic invaded my body. “What are we doing here?” The words came out breathy as my breathing picked up and nerves hit me.

  “What’s wrong, Reign?”

  “I just don’t know why we’re here,” I breathed out.

  He put the truck in park. “I want you to meet my parents.”

  The panic fled out of me like I was a toilet someone had just flushed. I felt shitty as hell. There I was, panicking over my own shit, and I didn’t even take into account Lynx. Damn, I needed to work on that.

  “Really?”

  “Yep. Come on.”

  We climbed out of the truck, and he took my hand, leading me through the stones of peoples’ resting places. I caught a few of their names, but nothing that stood out to me.

  Finally, we stopped. Ken and Jodi Lynx, the stone was engraved.

  I quickly moved off the grass.

  “What are you doing?” Lynx asked.

  “I don’t want to stand on them.�
��

  Lynx chuckled. “Babe, it doesn’t work like that.”

  “You don’t know that,” I argued, not wanting to be disrespectful. I might have grown up in shit, but I had manners, especially for the dead.

  He grabbed my hand and pulled me to his side so I was standing with him in front of the headstone. The stone was engraved with the birthdates and death of each with the words Beloved Parents inscribed. It brought tears to my eyes. Not for me, but for the man standing next to me. I squeezed his hand back, hoping I could, for once, give him the strength he so freely gave me at every turn.

  His parents loved him, doted on him. He’d had everything, and it had been swiped away from him in the blink of an eye. I felt my heart tighten as I tried my damnedest not to cry, to be strong for Lynx. It wasn’t easy, but somehow, I managed.

  “Hey, Mom, Dad,” Lynx started, and I squeezed his hand again. “I wanted you to meet my girl. Her name’s Reign Owens, and she makes me happy.” At that, I leaned into his shoulder, gripping it with my other hand. “You would have loved her,” he spoke, the catch in his voice telling me this was hard for him. “Mom, you seriously need to be around to help her cook.” I nudged him with my hip and felt my lips tip, gaining a small chuckle from him. “Damn, I wish you two were around.”

  I looked up at Lynx to see tears had fallen from his eyes before he swiped them away almost angrily. I let go of his hand and wrapped my arms around the strong man who had supported me throughout so many ups and downs these past few months, trying to give him the same comfort he had given me just by his mere presence. His arms locked around me in return, and I felt his body silently shake. I said nothing, just held him close.

  It was long moments later before he wiped everything from his face and turned back into the strong man who could handle anything.

  “We’re gonna go. I just wanted you to meet her.” Lynx looked down at me just as I looked up. He gave me a soft kiss on the lips. “Come on, babe.” His body grew taller as he sucked in a deep breath and took my hand, leading me away from his parents.

  As I looked around, I noticed he wasn’t going in the direction of the truck.

  “Where are we going?” I really didn’t want to walk through a cemetery. It made me uneasy, but I followed him as we strolled through until we came to a clearing that only had a few stones. It must have been the newer section where plots hadn’t been bought yet.

  A pang hit me. Drew had never gotten that. I might never get that. I shook it off and continued.

  Lynx stopped and tilted up my chin with his index finger so I was staring into the beautiful depths that brought me so much comfort. “You know I love you, more than anything on this fucking planet.” Tears sprang to my eyes. When I didn’t move, he said, “I do, you know. You are the center of my world, and I thank whoever put us together in that fucking hospital. My life wouldn’t have been the same without you.” This time, the tears fell. “I’ve done something.”

  My breath hitched as fear ricocheted through all of the love I had just felt.

  “Come here.” He pulled me three steps closer to him then turned me around so my back was to his front.

  I looked out over all the tombstones, not getting it. “What?” I asked.

  “Look down,” he said, and I followed his directive. That was when time stopped, and my knees gave out. If it weren’t for his arm locked around my stomach, I was sure I would have fallen to the ground.

  A small stone lay in the grass, newly put in to the ground judging from the dirt around the edges. The name Drew Lewis was engraved at the top with the dates of his birth and death. Sobs began to rack my body from the weight of what the man behind me had done for me.

  He had given me back something I had thought I would never have again. He had given me back Drew, given me a place to grieve his loss, a place where I could come and talk to him. While my heart broke for Drew, it was then filled with so much love for the man behind me.

  I placed my hand over my mouth, trying to get myself under control, but I couldn’t, so I just let the water fall from my eyes in rapid succession.

  “I wanted you to have some part of Drew. I know he’s not under the ground, but this is where he’s laid to rest, where you can come and talk if you want to.”

  This man had to be the sweetest, most generous man I had ever met in my life. How many men would get a headstone for their love’s first love just so they could come and talk to him? Not many, but my guy had. He cared enough about me to give me that.

  I turned in his arms, snuggling into his warmth and hugging him with everything I had while my body shook, and I soaked his shirt. His hand absently rubbed my back up and down, which I loved.

  He waited until I looked up at him before he spoke. “I wanted you to never have to forget him.” He lifted his thumb up, swiping the tears from my eyes.

  “I love you,” I said softly, and I heard his quick inhalation.

  I had never told him that. I had never told any man that, not even Drew when he had been alive. We had run out of time.

  As I stared into the eyes I had come to love so deeply, I knew this was exactly where I was supposed to be.

  “Love you, too, babe. I’ve been waiting to hear you say those words.”

  “I know. I wasn’t ready. This moment right here, you being you, I couldn’t let it go without telling you.”

  He leaned down and pecked my lips. “Thank you for that,” he whispered. “I’m gonna give you two a few.”

  He started to release me, but I clutched on to his arms. “No, you’re not going anywhere.” His brow quirked up. “I want you to meet him.” I gave him the same line he had given me. “He was my only family, all I had until you and Andi.”

  Lynx nodded as I turned in his arms, my eyes focused on the stone.

  I blew out a huge breath. “Hey, Drew. I know, I know. Twice.” I shook my head. “I should have talked to you sooner, but I’ve been messed up, Drew. Really messed up. But I’m getting things sorted. This is kinda weird, but I told you about Lynx.”

  His hand tightened around me. He must have liked that I had talked to Drew about him.

  “This is him. He gave me you back.” At that, the water filled my eyes and spilled over once again. I could never in a million years repay this man for what he had just given me. There was no price tag to put on it. It was irreplaceable.

  “I’ll take great care of her,” Lynx said, surprising me.

  I craned my neck to see him.

  “You’ve got my word, man.” As if I didn’t love this man enough, he had to go and say things like that.

  When it looked like Lynx was done, I turned back to Drew.

  “I’ll come back and see you. Miss you.”

  I would always miss Drew, always. Regardless, I was ready to start my life, a real life with me living it and not just existing. I was ready for a life with Lynx.

  “Come on, babe,” Lynx called from the hallway as I applied some gloss to my lips and fluffed my hair. I had spent way more time on my hair and makeup than I normally did, but I wanted to look perfect.

  I had put on a skirt earlier, but Lynx had said, “Babe, it’s my sister. Wear jeans and be comfortable.” He didn’t realize it was his sister I was meeting for the first time! I wanted her to like me. I really did.

  This had been so far out of my realm of possibilities—meeting a man’s family—that it didn’t hit me until I had started getting ready. The nerves took over, and I tried to suppress them by making myself look as okay as possible.

  A week before, after returning home from the cemetery, Lynx had asked me, if on my next day off, I would meet his sister and her family. I had said yes, but the gravity of it didn’t hit me until about three hours ago. Since then, I had been a shaky mess. I wasn’t feeling sad. No, just anxious and nervous that she would think I was too messed up to be with her brother, that she wouldn’t accept me, or that she would think I was a horrible match for Lynx, all of which would break my heart. I kept telling myself it did
n’t matter, but deep down, it really did. I wanted her and her husband to accept me into the fold.

  I made one more swipe of my gloss then put the lid on it. My eyes popped with my long lashes, and my skin looked almost flawless. My dark hair was in long waves, cascading down my back with a sweep of bangs in the front. I felt good about the way I looked. I had never put too much thought into it, even at the bar, but that day, it felt good, and I looked better. It helped bring the nerves into check.

  “Coming,” I yelled, walking out of the bathroom and slamming hard into Lynx. My head snapped up. “Sorry.”

  He took a step back and scanned me up and down, and I felt the heat rise to my cheeks as a wide smile stretched across his face. “Beautiful. Absolutely fucking beautiful.” He pulled me to him and kissed me hard. When he pulled away, I saw my gloss on his lips and became frantic.

  “You messed up my lips!” I tried to get out of his grasp to grab the gloss and fix my ruined job.

  “Babe, give me those lips.”

  My stomach started to quiver as tingles raced up my body. I gave him my lips, gloss be damned.

  After fixing my lips, we climbed into Lynx’s truck and made the twenty-minute drive to his sister’s. I couldn’t get my leg to stop bouncing as the nerves flung around inside me like super bouncy balls. I tried holding it still, but then my hand just went up and down with it. My anxiety was through the roof, and I felt the urge to run, to go and pound everything out into the pavement, but that wasn’t an option, so I counted in my head.

  One … deep breath. Two … deep breath.

  Lynx laced his fingers with mine, bringing them to his lips and kissing them softly. I sucked in his comfort and willed myself to calm down.

  “Babe, you’ll be just fine. I’m not gonna let you fall.”

  My head snapped to him at his words. He got it. He so got it.

  “Love you.” I had been telling him that at every opportunity, letting him know the feeling he had for me was mutual and returned. I didn’t want him to ever think I took him for granted. I wouldn’t. He was too important to me.

  He kissed me again. “You, too, babe.”