All or Nothing

by Deborah Cooke

  On the other, zero is the bottom line. To be reduced to zero is to be annihilated. To have one’s efforts come to naught is to fail, and to fail so spectacularly that there’s no room to quibble. Zero visibility means none at all, zero-zero means no visibility in either distance or height, which might ensure that your vehicle is reduced to, well, naught. Nothing left, nothing at all, nothing to lose are all expressions of absence. A null set includes no elements: it is said to be void. To be null is to be without value or consequence, to be devoid or empty of any quality that counts.

  So to speak.

  Yet, mathematically speaking—can we have a third hand?—zero is a whole number. (Or is that a hole number?) It’s the cipher between positive and negative integers, between the positive end of the scale and the negative. Zero anchors the scale, it holds the balance, it makes the extremes possible if not palatable.

  Is zero everything? Or is it nothing? Or is it something in between? Is it exclusive or inclusive? The total or the null? Does the void encompass everything, or is it something beyond the sum?

  If nothing else—ha ha—zero remains a cipher in another sense. After all, in the game of tennis, a score of zero is called ‘love’.

  Is there a bigger mystery than love?

  Is there a better reason to risk the whole shebang, the whole shooting match, the whole kit and caboodle? Is there anything other than love that leaves you empty with its loss, or fills you to bursting when it’s reciprocal? Is there any better reason to bet all that you have, on the chance that you could win so much more, however slim that chance might be?

  It must be, because we all do it, all the time. Maybe there’s nothing else worth making that gamble. Maybe the best things, or the things most worth winning, demand the biggest potential sacrifice. Maybe the score only counts when you offer your all.

  After all, nothing ventured means nothing gained.

  All for one and one for all.

  All or nothing.

  * * *

  The phone rang in Zach’s apartment. Jen opened one eye, then snuggled deeper under the covers when she saw that Zach was still in bed with her.

  “You should get it,” she said, cuddling up closer to him. She wasn’t wearing anything other than the cameo ring and the air was chilly.

  “No rest for the wicked,” he complained and she laughed.

  “I’ve heard that. Is it yours?”

  “Nothing like an audacious warrior queen in the morning,” Zach growled, then kissed her. He propped himself up on his elbow and smiled down at her, appreciation in his gaze. “In fact, nothing else can compare.” They kissed again and the room got much warmer.

  The phone continued to ring. “Isn’t it early for this?” Zach leaned over Jen to snag the receiver, not waiting for an answer. She closed her eyes, not intending to hurry out of bed anytime soon. She’d linger here and maybe they’d make love again.

  “It’s for you,” Zach said, rolling his eyes.

  “For me?”

  The dog barked in the living room and Zach rolled out of bed. “Coming, Roxie!” He picked his underwear off the floor, then pulled a T-shirt out of a drawer, dressing hastily.

  To Jen’s surprise, Cin was on the phone.

  “Oh my God, Jen, I just had to tell you. I’m sorry to call and interrupt but if you’ve been at it all night, then you need a break anyway…”

  “Or maybe some sleep,” Jen interjected.

  “I’ll be back,” Zach mouthed from the doorway and Jen nodded.

  Cin’s laughter bubbled down the phone line. “Well, I had to tell you and if I hadn’t called, you’d want to kill me for not calling—”

  “That’s hard to believe.”

  “But I phoned Mom and she said you were here and so I had to call and tell you…”

  “You haven’t told me anything yet.”

  Cin squealed. “Ian, Ian, oh my God, Ian, you won’t believe what he did.”

  Given Cin’s predictions of doom on Christmas Eve, Jen decided not to guess. “I probably won’t, but tell me anyway.”

  “Oh, is this a bad time?” Cin asked, in a sudden and uncharacteristic attack of consideration.

  “It might have been, but that’s okay.”

  “Well, I think this is worth an interruption.” Jen made no comments about getting even by returning the favor one day. “Remember how Ian was working so much?”

  “I recall you mentioning something about it.” Jen found her blouse and pulled it on, wrapping it around herself.

  “Well, he was trying to make extra money and he did, and he bought plane tickets and you’ll never guess where we’re going.”

  “We? As in both of you?”

  “He’s taking me to New York!” Cin screamed into the phone, almost delirious in her joy. Jen held the receiver away from her ear. “We’re going to Tiffany to get an engagement ring, because he said that was obviously what I wanted. It’ll probably be a small ring, but I don’t care. We’re going to New York and we’re going today and we’re going to take a carriage ride in Central Park and Jen, isn’t it the most romantic thing you ever heard? Can you believe it?”

  Jen believed it. She’d known for a long time that Ian was crazy about her sister. He didn’t say much, but he put up with Cin with such good humor, and teased her out of her moods, and spoiled her shamelessly.

  “I think that’s wonderful,” Jen said and meant it.

  Cin gushed on. “He got down on one knee last night and proposed, and he had roses and he had the plane tickets and he said he loved me and I just couldn’t believe it. I mean, I felt so awful for doubting him, and you know, I’m just going to have to love him more than anything, and love him forever to make up for that.”

  Jen smiled. “I guess you will. But, um, didn’t you already love him more than anything?”

  Cin let out a long sigh of contentment. “Yes. I think he knew it before I did.”

  Jen chuckled to herself at that. “I bet he did,” she said, feeling warm and happy for her sister.

  “I think—” Cin’s voice caught. “I think we’re going to try to have a baby, Jen. Ian has always wanted kids but I just couldn’t…”

  “You wanted a commitment from him first,” Jen suggested quietly.

  “I guess I did.”

  “And now you’ve got it.”

  “Well, there are no guarantees, Mom will tell us that, but I know he really cares. He worked hard to give me what he thought I really wanted and that really touched my heart.”

  “You’d better not tell him you’d have gone with the Batman ring, if you’d known he meant it.”

  Cin giggled. “No, not for a while anyway. But you know, I will tell him one of these days, so don’t laugh if I end up wearing both rings, maybe together.”

  “I promise.”

  “I gotta go, sis. We’ve got a plane to catch but I wanted you to know. Maybe you can tell Mom.” Her tone turned wicked. “Or maybe you have news for her yourself. Should we plan a double wedding, on Valentine’s Day?”

  “I wouldn’t want to steal your thunder.”

  “I don’t care, Jen. I’m just so happy. All the rest is just detail.” Cin blew a kiss into the phone. “Be happy, sis. I’ll see you at the end of the week.”

  “I won’t wait up.”

  Cin chortled. “It looks like no one should bother waiting up for either of us anytime soon.”

  And then she was gone. The apartment sounded empty without Cin’s euphoria. Jen looked down at the cameo ring and knew that, Cin’s expectations to the contrary, there would be no double wedding.

  The fake date was over.

  Because the fact was that if she and Zach had been serious—or if he really did love her—they’d have plans beyond dinner with his family on Christmas Day. There were no future plans between them, because they had no future. They’d had sex, which was great in itself, but it wasn’t a long-term plan.

  Jen got out of bed, dressed quickly, then put the cameo ring carefully on the teak
headboard. It wasn’t hers to wear, as lovely as it was, and the sooner she ended the charade, the easier it would be.

  Although it wasn’t very easy to leave even now. She reminded herself that fated relationships weren’t always about happily ever after. Sometimes they were about lessons, or wisdom that needed sharing, or about recharting one’s course. She and Zach had done all that, and Jen didn’t want to wait around to find out that that was all he wanted. She wasn’t going to stand and wait for the inevitable.

  This would end on her terms.

  It would end right now.

  Jen told herself to appreciate what she’d been given, to concentrate on the good. She let herself out of the apartment and went down the stairs so she wouldn’t meet Zach on the elevator. She went out a back door and walked briskly down a side street, hailing a cab as soon as she could.

  Although Jen told herself that it was for the best, her sucker heart didn’t believe her.

  * * *

  Zach came home with two take-out coffees, two whole grain bagels and an excited dog. He found the ring immediately and knew what it meant. He stood in the doorway of the bedroom with those two coffees, noted the open bathroom door, and took Jen’s departure as the indictment it was.

  His euphoria was gone, as surely as Jen was gone.

  He hadn’t measured up yet.

  But he wasn’t done. Not by a long shot.

  There was one thing Jen didn’t know yet, one thing he wasn’t going to tell her until everything was in place.

  In fact, he had a lot of work to finish today in order to make everything come together.

  He was going to need both of those coffees himself.

  Chapter Sixteen

  It was the thirtieth before Teresa and Jen made the drive to Rosemount to check out the old bookstore. As they drove, Teresa told Jen about her visit home to Kansas City, a whirlwind holiday tour that seemed to involve lots of food, lots of drinking and lots of babies.

  Jen knew she didn’t imagine the wistfulness in Teresa’s tone when she described her sister’s newborn daughter.

  “They’re noisy and messy, you know,” she teased. “And exhausting to have around all the time.”

  “Oh, I know,” Teresa admitted. “It’s just about choice.”

  Jen didn’t say that there were lots of ways to lose that particular choice and that having a partner didn’t necessarily mean having babies, but Teresa gave her no chance.

  “Who knew that being empowered to have a career meant losing the power to make all the choices that were so easy for women before?” Teresa peered at the sign. “Is this the exit? Are we here yet?”

  Jen gave directions, having scored a map from the internet to supplement her memory. After all, Zach had taken a back route and she’d been completely charmed by his stories and the appearance of the town in the snow.

  It was real, though, more real than she remembered. There were cars parked downtown and a few people walking along the street. More than one took a good look at Teresa’s navy Honda Accord, as if they thought they should know her.

  As if there couldn’t be any other reason to be here other than living here.

  Teresa parked in front of the bookstore and exhaled. “Wow. It looks perfect.” She glanced up and down the street. “Nice old downtown too.”

  “I know. It’s so pretty decorated for Christmas.”

  “But beyond that, Jen, there’s still traffic. Look how few empty stores there are. In most old towns, the downtown core is gutted. These people still shop here, which is a good thing.”

  “I didn’t think of that.”

  “And this shop is right in the middle of the main block, on the north side of the street.”

  “It’ll get sunshine.”

  “That’s always the best retail space. People walk on the sunny side of the street.”

  “I didn’t know that.”

  “That’s why rents are higher on the sunny side of the street.” Teresa gave Jen a sharp look. “But what about Fake Date Boy? Isn’t he from here?”

  “He said he couldn’t wait to get away. I don’t think he’d been back in a long time, and even then, I don’t think he ever comes downtown.”

  Teresa watched her closely. “You never told me about Christmas Day.”

  “It was lovely.” Jen forced a smile, knowing she wouldn’t fool her friend. “For a reciprocal fake date.”

  Teresa winced. “So the inevitable happened?”

  Jen nodded and Teresa gave her an impulsive hug. “Better for you, Jen. I could see you were already falling. It’s better for you to get out while you still could.”

  “That’s why I ended it.”

  “You ended it? Even better.” Teresa sat back and eyed the storefront. “So, onward with the plan.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, we came all this way. Let’s have a look.”

  “But it’s too soon. I won’t be done school until the fall…”

  “Be serious, Jen. Opportunity doesn’t knock very often, and I’ve got to think that there was a greater purpose in your hooking up with the man.”

  “Other than great sex and mutual satisfaction?”

  Teresa laughed. “I know. It should be enough in itself, without the security of real estate. You really could be lucking out here.”

  “We don’t even know how much it is. It’s probably expensive…”

  “Oh, you’re too skeptical! It’s still for sale and who knows how long it’s been for sale. They might be ready to make a deal.”

  “You don’t know that…”

  “Look around, Jen. Its advantages might suit us, but Rosemount doesn’t look like a hot and happening real estate market.” Before Jen could answer, Teresa had rummaged in her purse and quickly punched in the phone number from the sign. “Calling Dinah Dishman,” she said, smiling for Jen.

  “But it’s too soon…” Jen protested.

  Teresa waved her off, then frowned as someone answered the phone. “Hi, yes, I’m looking for Dinah Dishman.” She paused, then smiled. “Yes, I wanted to know about the property you have listed for sale. Um, let’s see, it’s a shop. The address is 272, um—”

  “Main Street,” Jen supplied.

  “Main Street, in Rosemount.” Teresa paused to listen. “Oh, it’s not a shop? It’s the whole building? With an apartment over top and a small yard in the back, which includes parking?” She made a face and gave Jen a thumbs-up.

  Jen was convinced that she couldn’t afford it.

  Teresa listened for a minute, then her eyes widened. “Yes, I am driving a navy Honda Accord.” She met Jen’s gaze with confusion. “Why do you ask?” Teresa listened, then looked at the phone. She covered the mouthpiece. “She said to look back.”

  Jen and Teresa turned as one to look through the back window of the Honda. A woman was waving from the window of the diner across the street.

  “That would be Dinah,” Teresa said.

  “Meet Dinah in the diner,” Jen said with a grin. “There’s a joke in there somewhere.”

  “Something about dishes,” Teresa agreed. “Let’s meet her now and worry about the joke later.”

  * * *

  Dinah Dishman could well have been the girl that Zach’s sister Phil had baby-sat. She looked to be in her mid-twenties. She had brown hair, tugged up into a ponytail, and still had freckles on her nose and across her cheeks. She wore glasses, had a quick smile and an easy manner that put Jen immediately at ease.

  She looked to be working in the window booth of the diner. There was an empty coffee cup pushed to one side, an iPod and earphones cast to the other, paperwork all over the tabletop and her cell phone presiding in the center. She had the announcement page from the newspaper folded and highlighted, too.

  The diner was otherwise empty, although there was a clatter coming from the kitchen, as well as what sounded like muted music from a radio. Jen thought it might be an oldies station. The diner was very clean, and could have been transported throu
gh time from the fifties.

  “Forgot my yellow Realtor blazer,” Dinah said with an apologetic smile. She was wearing jeans and a red blouse with the sleeves rolled up. That wasn’t much different from Jen’s jeans and blazer, but Teresa’s designer casual wear stood out. “It’s usually pretty slow for real estate in Rosemount between Christmas and New Year’s, but I can still answer your questions.” Dinah swept up her paperwork and piled it onto the bench seat on one side.

  At her gesture of invitation, Teresa slid into the bench on the opposite side of the booth and took the lead. Jen hadn’t intended to take this any further than showing Rosemount to Teresa, so felt as if she was along for the ride in more ways than one.

  “Actually, all of our questions have to do with that shop or building that’s for sale,” Teresa said, gesturing across the street.

  “Would you like a coffee? Or tea?”

  Teresa looked impatient at this offer, but Jen smiled. “Thanks but we don’t want to be too much trouble.”

  Dinah laughed. “It’s my brother’s place. I’ve washed enough dishes that he can spot me the occasional cup of coffee or tea.”

  “I’d love a cup of coffee,” Jen said.

  “I guess I’ll have one too, then,” Teresa agreed.

  Dinah got up to pour it herself and brought the two cups back to the table. She refilled her own, as well, then brought cream in a pitcher and some spoons. “I wait tables here too,” she said, her smile turning rueful.

  “As well as selling real estate?” Jen asked.

  “A person needs a broad economic base to survive in a little place like Rosemount,” Dinah admitted. “I like it here enough, and I like multitasking enough, to make it work.”

  “Does your brother do other things as well as run the diner?” Jen asked. “Because that seems like a lot of work.”

  “He does a lot of catering, in partnership with my other brother who owns the bistro across the way. Between the two of them, they joke that they feed a third of Rosemount every day and all of it when there’s a wedding or a funeral.”

  The women smiled at that. Jen thought it sounded great to be in a smaller place, although she could tell that Teresa was less enamored of the idea of a small pond. Her fingers were already tapping in impatience. “So, what can you tell us about the place across the street?” Teresa asked.