The Pages of the Mind

by Jeffe Kennedy

  Surely Harlan hadn’t told him I was meant to spy? “My true nature.”

  “Yes. The Dasnarians would see you—and your companions—as unnatural females. The women of your kingdoms, such as I’ve met, speak and act boldly.” His gaze lingered on Jepp, riding a few horses ahead of us, flirting outrageously with one of Kral’s men in decidedly lowbrow Dasnarian. She’d picked up a fair amount from keeping company with the Vervaldr. Brandur rode on her other side, glowering in what I hoped wasn’t black jealousy. The heat in Kral’s gaze made me wonder if she’d had sex with him, too. “I will teach you,” he continued, “and you will instruct your companions. For the safety of you all.”

  Deciding to exercise some of that diplomacy, I thanked him and refrained from saying more.

  “Does she love him, do you think?” Kral asked, abruptly enough that I thought he meant the man Jepp flirted with. For all his talk of elaborate courtesy in the Dasnarian court, he spoke quite bluntly. Probably, I realized, a sign of disrespect. “Your High Queen Ursula,” he clarified. “Does she love my brother?”

  It occurred to me that he might be thinking strategically, of how he might use that connection, but the truth was there to see, whether we said anything publicly about the Elskastholrr or not. Harlan had told his brother about the vow for a reason. And ultimately it didn’t matter, as, if Ursula did accept a marriage of alliance someday, she would not be the first ruler to wed one while loving another.

  Goddesses willing, it wouldn’t come to that.

  “She seems to be a very hard woman—not loving,” Kral clarified, unnecessarily.

  “She loves him,” I said, certain he wasn’t asking from concern for Harlan, but to ferret out information. I decided to try some ferreting of my own. “The High Queen was concerned about the bad blood that lies between you two.”

  Kral’s expression darkened. “Did he discuss it?”

  I went for a nonchalant shrug. “Certainly not with me. I am not privy to their conversations.”

  “You hear more than most, I think.” He watched Jepp, who was attempting to tell some story about a fight or battle, pantomiming slicing a throat. “I withdraw my observation. Perhaps you will make a decent ambassador, after all.”

  “That is my intention.”

  “Perhaps so, since I have warned you. But that is not why your queen is sending you.”

  “It isn’t? She said as much to me. Did she imply otherwise to you?”

  Kral pulled his gaze off the animated Jepp and gave me a humorless smile. “Better, nyrri. Perhaps you can be taught. I do not know your true mission and shall keep my speculations to myself. I shall also do my best to honor my pledge to my brother. But know this—I can only do so much.”

  “I’m sure Harlan knows this as well.”

  “Perhaps he does. Perhaps not. He gave up much when he abandoned his birthright. Though he seems to have landed in honey. He ever was the luckiest of us. If your queen truly loves him, that is.”

  “Do you doubt it?”

  “I cannot say.” He watched Jepp again, as if fascinated, though his expression seemed to be one of dislike. “Your ways are most strange to me, the way you go from man to man without thought or loyalty.”

  I restrained the urge to explain that we weren’t all like Jepp. Kral didn’t need to be assuming that every woman of the Thirteen Kingdoms was like every other, and it would serve him right to learn otherwise. “I’ve had time to observe the Vervaldr during their tenure at Ordnung. Many of them have gone from woman to woman.”

  “Yes, but they are men. That is the way of things.”

  “Perhaps then it is not so much that our ways are strange, but yours are.” I said it a bit too tartly, Kral’s sharp smile confirming that he’d pushed my temper past diplomatic discretion.

  But he considered. “Perhaps so. I shall think on it.” And he rode off to speak to another of his men, leaving me to ponder all the subtext in our conversation.

  We moved fast enough that we camped on the banks of the Danu River that night. The barge masters kept large areas cleared up and down the river for groups like ours to camp and wait for our assigned vessels. The scouts Ursula sent ahead had arranged for a barge large enough to hold our whole party, including horses, but they were rowing it upriver and it wouldn’t arrive till morning.

  Jepp, Zynda, and I had our own campfire, a bit away from the Dasnarians. Our Vervaldr guard had thrown in with them for the evening and they’d all fallen into some sort of Dasnarian drinking and gambling game. Jepp glanced over at a particularly raucous group shout they sent up, with cheers and groans. “Men,” she muttered.

  “You could join them, if you prefer,” I offered. “I wouldn’t mind and I doubt Zynda does.”

  “Not a bit,” Zynda agreed. “Though I don’t think Jepp wishes to.”

  “No, Jepp does not wish to.” She made a face. “I’ve had enough of male egos for the day, thank you. Besides, the High Queen told me to guard you two with my life and I’m not about to let her down.”

  “Understandable. I would be equally loath to face Ursula with a failure like that.”

  “Does it bother you,” Jepp asked, “that she’s with Harlan?”

  I blinked at her. “Why would it bother me? I think he’s really good for her.”

  “I just figured that you’re in love with her and it’s hard when that happens and the other woman picks a man instead. I mean, it hurts when they pick anyone else, but for some reason it’s worse when it’s a guy and—”

  I cut in then, not wanting to hear more. “I’m not in love with Ursula. That is . . .” I searched for the right way to explain my feelings.

  “No more so than we all are?” Zynda offered. “She’s an admirable woman who inspires great feelings of devotion.”

  “I admire her greatly, yes.” I sounded stiff, even to myself, badly wanting out of this conversation.

  “I would do Ursula,” Jepp said thoughtfully. “All that intensity and passion, focused on you in bed? Mmm.”

  Zynda snorted. “From your tales, it sounds as if you would do anyone.”

  Jepp grinned, unrepentant. “Well, I do have standards. But they’re woefully low. I’m weak—I rarely turn down an opportunity for an honest, vigorous fucking. I prefer cock, in general, but women can work for me, too. I wouldn’t blame you if you did have a crush on our High Queen, Dafne.”

  “I do not have a crush on Ursula!”

  “I just figured because I never see you with men. And you spend so much time with Ursula. And Harlan.” Her eyes brightened with salacious interest. “Unless you’re in a threeway with both of them? That would be amazing.”

  I choked on my tea, face hotter than the campfire. “No! Don’t put images like that in my head.”

  “I wouldn’t judge,” she insisted. “I’d be insanely jealous, but you can tell me. In great detail, please.”

  “There is nothing to tell. I promise.”

  “Have you ever been with a woman?” Jepp looked me over far too appraisingly. “They can be a lovely change. Softer, delicate, more precise. And another woman knows her way around your body, so she can—”

  “Jepp!” I strangled on her name.

  “Why are you flustered?” She sounded genuinely surprised, a perfectly innocent tone, but her dark eyes glittered with mischief. “Are you uncomfortable, Zynda?”

  “No.” The Tala woman smiled easily. “And no, I’ve never been with another woman. I have, however, been with a number of men. I’ve been satisfied with the results and plan to stick with that path for the time being.”

  “Well, you won’t be having any soon, because General Killjoy has forbidden all of his men, including our Vervaldr, from having sex with any of us for the duration of the journey. So if either of you want to experiment?” She finished hopefully, then made an annoyed sound when we both shook our heads. “No fun at all, the both of you. How am I supposed to go that long without sex? It’s inhuman, I tell you.” She kicked at a rock in the ring around t
he campfire. Interesting that Kral had issued that edict—and that Jepp alone knew about it. Which likely meant he’d given the order because of her.

  “Seeing how long Dafne has gone, I suspect you have no room to complain with her.”

  “Oh?” Jepp brightened with renewed interest in the conversation. “Do tell. It’s not fair you talked about your sex life with Zynda and not with me. Throw me a bone here. Or an oyster.” She snickered.

  “Oyster?” I didn’t get the joke, though Zynda clearly did.

  “A man’s cock is like a bone—hard and straight—and a woman’s sex looks and tastes like an oyster,” Jepp explained with a wicked smile. “And there’s a little pearl that—”

  I held up a hand. “Enough. I get it.”

  “Then stop dodging and tell me what you told Zynda.”

  “I did not talk to Zynda,” I said in the crispest tone I could manage. “She’s guessing.”

  “But I’m right, aren’t I?” Zynda’s eyes took on the hue of the firelight, like the amber shine of a forest animal, her own version of Jepp’s sensual wickedness gleaming. Both of them so comfortable in their bodies, with their many lovers. How had I ended up with such companions?

  “What is she right about?” Jepp examined me. Then her face went blank and horrified, looking as if she’d discovered I had some terrible disease and only weeks to live. “You’re not . . . You’re a fucking virgin?”

  “I believe that’s an oxymoron,” I snapped. “I am a virgin because there has been no fucking.” I didn’t think I’d ever used that word before. Such was the toll of Jepp’s company.

  She gaped at me in real shock. “I don’t think I’ve ever met a virgin. I mean.” She shook her head. “Not one who was . . .”

  “A middle-aged spinster?” I finished for her. “Look your fill, because here’s your big chance.”

  “There’s no shame in it,” Zynda put in gently. “Just as some prefer the company of their same gender, there are those who prefer to keep their bodies to themselves.”

  “What—never have sex, ever in their lives?” Jepp was flat astounded, assimilating that. “I can’t even imagine.”

  Zynda shrugged. “People are people. I don’t judge.” She said that last to me, but with a flicker of emphasis for Jepp.

  “I’m not judging,” Jepp said in haste. Then she reached out to touch my hand, a fleeting gesture, as quicksilver as her moods. “I didn’t mean to offend you. If you are happier without sex, then good for you. I don’t understand it,” she added, unnecessarily, but seeming unable to stop herself, “but I do think everyone should do what makes them happy.”

  “Thank you. Both of you.” Then a laugh broke free from me, which helped vent some of the tight embarrassment. “It is not, however, that I am asexual. I simply . . . I don’t know. Never quite had the right opportunity.”

  “This conversation calls for something stronger than tea,” Jepp decided, springing to her feet in a lithe movement.

  “Oh, no! We’re not having a conversation about this,” I protested.

  “Too late,” Zynda murmured. “You’ll never get her off your tail until she’s heard it all.”

  “And you were such a great help,” I retorted.

  “What’s the harm? We’re all friends. If you can’t confide in us, who would you, then?”

  “Yes.” Jepp plopped herself down and handed me a flask. “Drink and pass. We can help you. What would be the right opportunity? If we know what you’re looking for, we can keep our eyes open. Be your scouts!”

  Groaning mentally at that prospect, and in order to avoid answering her question for a few more precious seconds, I sipped. Whiskey. Very smooth. Good Goddesses—and unholy strong.

  “Goes right to your head, doesn’t it?” Jepp took it from my hand, swigged, and handed the flask to Zynda. “Okay, maybe we should back up. What have you done? Kissing, at least.”

  The warmth of the whiskey did help, so I nodded. One of my prospective fiancés had kissed me. And then one of the Tala while I was in Annfwn, Zyr, in his flirtatiousness. “Twice. I didn’t care for the first.”

  “Why not?” Zynda frowned in suspicion at the flask, then sipped.

  “It was . . . not interesting. I mostly waited for it to be over. I didn’t want him touching me—it made my skin crawl. The second one was better, but still not . . . moving. Not ‘wonderful, take me to bed and have your way with me’ exciting. Even though he offered that and there was no reason I shouldn’t have taken him up on it. I just didn’t want to. Goddesses.” I took the flask and swallowed. “Maybe I am asexual!”

  “Let’s not leap to conclusions.” Jepp wagged a finger at me in clear imitation. “Did you like the guys who did the kissing?”

  “Not the first one.” In fact, I’d rather hated him on sight, in all his condescending arrogance.

  “Then of course you didn’t want him touching you.” Zynda held out a hand for the flask. “This is seriously good liquor.”

  “They distill it in Branli,” Jepp replied, her gaze still on me. “I laid in a supply when I was up there. Worth the pain of carting it around. And the second one?”

  “I liked him. Um, actually it was Zyr,” I confessed to Zynda. “The night we left.”

  Zynda widened her eyes. “Zyr tried to seduce you and you resisted? Wow.” She took a drink and held it in her mouth, pondering. Swallowed. “Wow,” she repeated.

  “Is that such a rare occurrence?”

  “It might be. I don’t know of anyone else who’s turned him down. Moranu, I wish I’d known! I could have teased him mercilessly.”

  “He was very gracious about it.” He’d been sweet, in fact, saying “Some people share themselves easily, like the bushes that produce clusters of berries, plenty for all to have and enjoy. A few are like the kalpa tree, which bears a single fruit, after many years, which is all the more precious for that.” Words that had stuck with me. “I don’t think you should mention anything to him. I wouldn’t want to wound his pride.”

  Zynda hooted a laugh, an animal sound in it. “Wound his pride? That man has plenty to spare. All the women going on in raptures about him and trying to catch his eye, but you gave him the cold shoulder.”

  “I told him I’m waiting for someone special and he understood.”

  “I doubt it. Everyone is special to Zyr. And if all the swooning and sighing can be believed, he’s very special to them.” She snickered. Jepp rubbing off on all of us.

  “Have I met this guy?” Jepp demanded, sitting up straighter. “What makes him so good?”

  “I wouldn’t know, as he’s my brother,” Zynda said in that dry tone. “But no, you haven’t met him—he hasn’t left Annfwn and isn’t likely to.”

  “I just knew I should have gone with you into Annfwn instead of staying back with Brandur! Danu curse me for lost opportunities.” Jepp stared sourly at the flask. “I have the worst luck lately.”

  “Don’t you like Brandur anymore?” I asked more to keep the subject off my sex life than from any real interest to know more about Jepp’s. Zyr’s kiss had been excellently executed. I should have taken him up on the offer and at least experienced skilled lovemaking. Shared some berries instead of sitting on my precious fruit. So to speak. I snorted out a giggle at the thought.

  Jepp gave me a dubious look and took away the flask. “Lightweight. I like Brandur fine. I’ve had Brandur—in every way physically possible, as he’s had me. We’re friends, but there’s an extra zing, you know, with some people more than others. Emotional. Special. Or whatever. Danu.” She swigged from the flask. “I’m starting to sound like the librarian.”

  “Hey!”

  “No offense,” Jepp grumbled, though I knew she meant it more sincerely than she sounded.

  “I know what you mean.” Zynda leaned back on her elbows, long and sinuous. “There’s sex for sex’s sake, which is—don’t get me wrong—really great. You know. Sorry, Dafne—I guess you don’t know, but unless your partner is totally self-invo
lved, which can happen, then it’s a real gift. But, with someone special, who really gets you, then . . . I’ve lost the thread. What were we saying?”

  “The advantage of having lightweights as traveling companions,” Jepp announced, “is more whiskey for me. I had sex with General Killjoy,” she added. A confessional afterthought that nearly slipped past me.

  Then it made its way fully into my fogged brain. “You did? I know he wanted to try a woman with sword calluses, but Brandur was right there, too.”

  Jepp waved a hand at that. “We’ve never been exclusive. Tell me about the sword calluses thing.”

  No harm in that, I supposed. “He and Harlan discussed it, after Kral shook Ursula’s hand. Apparently the concept of a woman’s hands with sword calluses lights up the Dasnarian men.”

  “Probably exotic to them,” Zynda said. “As it seems their women are all soft.”

  “Probably,” I agreed, rubbing my fingertips together. Soft. Though with sore spots from the knife lessons.

  “This explains a great deal,” Jepp mused. I could almost hear her thoughts clicking over how to use this to her advantage.

  “How was the general?” Zynda prodded. “Was it just the once, or will he violate his own edict?”

  “Just the one night, but several times. Pretty much all night and then some. The man has serious staying power. As for his edict, I’m pretty sure he did it entirely because he’s pissed at me. Mistakes were made.”

  “You pissed off a prince of the Dasnarian throne, general of their armies, with whom we just created a very new and even more tenuous peace?” I pressed my hands to my eyes, wishing I could banish the knowledge. “Ursula would kill you.”

  “Well, no. But she would banish me from Ordnung.” Jepp gave me a thin smile when I looked up. Waved at me as if she’d just arrived. “Hi.”

  “That was really a foolish thing to do, Jepp.”