The Pages of the Mind

by Jeffe Kennedy

  “Nakoa mlai,” I gasped, and he murmured something, a phrase I didn’t recognize. He coaxed a hand over my bottom, lifting my thigh over his hip, fingers dipping into my cleft from behind. Finding me more than ready for him, he slowly entered me, eyes black as a moonless night boring into mine. He filled me deliciously, and my heart ached with it all. Where I’d been thirsty, now I swelled to the breaking point. He rocked his hips and I cried out with it, the pleasure so exquisitely intense it was nearly painful. More than that, though. He was so much bigger than I that we’d never been so face-to-face as in this position. The intensity of the connection seemed deeper, sharper than ever before. Maybe he did see into me, because I felt laid bare, unable to look away, even when I came apart.

  We finally untangled ourselves and Nakoa got up to bring me a cloth, watching as I cleaned his spilled seed from my thighs. He took it from me when I finished, wordlessly wiping himself off. Then tossed it aside and looked at me, both of us naked, most of the bed between us.

  “I suppose it’s time for us to discuss now,” I said, the waiting more painful than the dread.

  “Yes. Put your gown on. We will talk over breakfast.”

  “I’m not really hungry,” I said to his retreating back as he went to the door. He only threw me a look, some of the forbidding frown returning to his brow. Fine, then.

  I dressed and brushed my hair. Soon the servants streamed in, bringing all manner of food and drink, setting it up on the balcony. Obediently I sat and filled my plate. Nakoa did likewise and the silence stretched on. No longer peaceful, but full of all the words we both hesitated to speak.

  Deciding not to wait for him to voice whatever accusation lurked behind his increasingly stony expression, I took the initiative. “I did not leave you, Nakoa. You were sound asleep and I was awake. I went to the library to study.”

  He sighed. Broke a roll in two and handed me half. “There is no blocked-up cave. None of Tane’s men missing. No sign you were in the library.”

  “So they cleaned up!”

  “No one saw you go.”

  “I was wrapped up in a rug. Ask the servants if one is missing.”

  His jaw took on a stubborn set. “How did I not awake? I am trained as a warrior. None can sneak up on me.”

  “You sleep very deeply, Nakoa.”

  He shook his head. “I do not. Never have.”

  “You do with me. Look at this morning.”

  He didn’t reply to that, simply simmered.

  “Fine, then. What is your explanation for what happened?”

  “I don’t have one. However, I do not disbelieve you. The details will sort out. You were hurt, but not killed. Tane may have challenged you, but the win is yours.”

  I hadn’t thought of it that way. I suppose I had defeated Tane.

  “This is not the most important problem between us,” Nakoa added.

  The water I’d guzzled turned chill in my stomach. “What is?”

  He set down the roll and wrapped his fist in the other hand, leaning his chin on them, regarding me soberly. With sorrow, even. “Perhaps I was wrong to make you stay.”

  I didn’t need anyone to tell me he didn’t admit to being wrong easily. I wanted to tell him he hadn’t been wrong, but he had. At the same time, I couldn’t blame him for his actions. Not in the same way I once had. Tongue-tied, I gazed back at him helplessly.

  He nodded, confirming something in his own head. “You never wished to be with me. I see it in your face. All along, even when you are closest to me, you think of how you’ll leave. You promised I would be first with you, but I am not. Your queen is and you wish to return with her.”

  “Nakoa . . .”

  He waited, but I couldn’t think of what else to say.

  “Do you deny it?” he asked gently. “Is there another truth I’m not seeing?”

  “I—I can’t be who you want me to be, Nakoa. I never was that person. I never would have . . . accepted your garland if I’d known what it meant. I’m not meant to be a queen or work magic or talk to dragons. I’m good with books, history, knowledge—not this.” I waved a hand between us. My fumbling through this conversation was a perfect example of my lack of ability in this arena. “I’m too old to have babies. All my life, I’ve known my place. And . . . this isn’t it.”

  “You feel nothing for me. I am not mlai.” He said it neutrally, no question in it, his face an implacable mask.

  I wanted to tell him I did love him. I wanted to weep. All along I knew it would come to this inevitable conclusion, but with the moment staring me in the face, I wanted to fight it. I could. It would be easy to tell him I wanted to stay. But then I’d have to break my promises to Ursula, destroy her faith in me, after all she’d done for me. Not something I could do, however much I wanted to. This was what I’d worked for since we arrived on Nahanau and I had to take it.

  “I will help you seal the bond with Kiraka. I think I understand what she needs. When we’ve finalized the discussions with Her Majesty, I’ll go to the library. I might know where to look for clues to the treasure. I won’t leave you with your throne in question.”

  “And then you’ll leave with your queen.”

  “I have to. Will you let me go?”

  “I will let you go, mlai. If you ask, I will say yes.” He gave me a somber, searching look. “I will not fight you in this any longer. But I will continue to hope that you will not ask.”

  A knife thrust to my heart. I couldn’t keep doing this. “I’m asking now.”

  He looked away then, gazing out over the glittering ocean. “Go, then. If all that is in your heart is a wish to part from me, then you shall walk onto the ship and your feet never touch the soil of your home again.”

  “This is not my home, Nakoa. It never was.”

  “Perhaps this is so, Dafne mlai. I thought I was wise in this and it seems it’s not so. Many things have been broken. Perhaps this is also.”

  My heart felt sliced open. “I would change this, if I could. But I can’t abandon my responsibilities any more than you can.”

  He nodded, still not looking at me. “We all do only what we can.”

  We received Ursula and Harlan in court this time. I sat beside Nakoa in my full regalia, playing the part of his queen, intensely uncomfortable doing so, particularly in front of them. We needed only to formalize the treaty agreements, in the full eyes of Nakoa’s nobles. Ursula’s keen, assessing gaze rested on me far too much through the ceremonial greetings. No doubt disconcerted to see me playact in her usual role.

  When Nakoa announced the nature of the treaty, Chief Tane objected.

  No surprise there. In fact, I’d been watching him surreptitiously, waiting for his move. He’d been watching me, too, more openly, with oily hatred in his gaze. Twice now I’d defeated him. I resolved I’d see him set back a third and final time. I could do this much for Nakoa, if nothing else.

  “I object to this alliance.” Tane postured boldly.

  “On what basis?” Nakoa asked, sounding quite bland. He’d presented the situation as such—an alliance with another powerful realm, to keep the Dasnarian Empire at bay—and had not revealed the reasons that made it not only necessary, but a forgone conclusion.

  “You are not truly king, thus have no authority to do so.”

  I’d had enough of this. “King Nakoa KauPo is king. He has proved himself as no king in recent past has done. Not in generations have the people of Nahanau seen the return of the mo’o. She is here now, to enjoy the king’s peaceful rain, to bring bounty to the people again, as ancient legend promised.”

  He blinked at me, taken aback for a long moment. So did many of the nobles. Not a silly airhead, after all, you dolts. I thought it with vicious satisfaction. In the back of my mind, Kiraka agreed in affectionate amusement.

  “There is no proof—”

  “You want proof?” The moment of truth. Ursula and Harlan stood back, both watching me for clues to what transpired. Kiraka—are you ready?
r />   Yes, Daughter.

  Come show yourself, gracious lady.

  She laughed. Gladly.

  I put my hand on Nakoa’s. “Show them, my King. Call the dragon so the people may see to understand.”

  Despite the gulf between us, despite my broken promises to him, he didn’t question me. Instead he stood, bringing me to my feet also. He raised his hands, as he’d done bringing the rain, keeping mine joined to his, and I echoed him. Thunder rumbled. The ground vibrated beneath our feet. Ursula raised her eyebrows. In the distance Kiraka trumpeted. Moments later, she arrived, landing with spectacular grace on the escarpment beyond the hall, neck curved coyly and tail arched. Clearly enjoying herself.

  Is this enough?

  Yes, Kiraka. Thank you. You look beautiful.

  As do you, Daughter.

  “Do you need further proof, Chief Tane?” Nakoa asked, more gently than the man deserved. Just as he’d been with me.

  To my surprise, Tane bluffed no more. Truly, he seemed shaken. He turned his gaze on me, then Nakoa, and inclined his head.

  “No, King Nakoa KauPo, Queen Dafne Nakoa KauPo. The people await the treasure your reign will bring.”

  After that the discussions went reasonably smoothly. Especially as the enchantment of a playful Kiraka distracted everyone. With her permission, people went out in groups to meet her and touch her smooth scales. Before long, children clambered over her, shrieking with laughter. Elders greeted her with shaking hands, crying that they’d never expected to live to see her return.

  The nobles who did focus agreed that the terms of the treaty were considerably better than what the Dasnarians had attempted to inflict on the Nahanauns. I’d made sure to introduce wording that prevented the High Throne of the Thirteen—or whatever the number would be, once the islands were all counted up—from laying claim to any of Nahanau’s wealth, now or in the future, however it might be defined. Trade, yes. Tithing, no.

  I’d borrowed that piece entirely from Rayfe, who’d demanded it to protect the abundance of Annfwn. Ursula gave me a hard look at that clause, likely wondering what was to be had from the storm-ravaged islands, but signed off regardless.

  Kiraka might not have gold and jewels, but I wanted to be sure that whatever wealth she did bring would belong to Nakoa and the Nahanauns. Disloyal of me, but there it was. And Ursula was no Uorsin, to pillage the kingdoms of their best, to elevate Ordnung. Else I could never have supported her.

  The main difference between the agreement with Nakoa and the one with Rayfe was that this one was not predicated on marriage uniting the royal families. Ursula had made it abundantly clear the day before that she regarded my marriage to Nakoa as void to begin with, consummated or not. In a more cautious mood today, she stopped short of accusing Nakoa of rape, or of forcing me to marry him under duress, but she also refused to acknowledge the connection.

  The day before, Nakoa had fought her on it. No more. He simply let it pass without comment. I will not fight you on this any longer.

  With the treaties in place, Ursula magically transformed from invading enemy to—if not exactly a treasured ally—at least an honored guest. Exactly as I’d hoped it would work. Kiraka stayed for a while longer, frolicking in the sea, happy to be with the children. She flew off again as court adjourned, saying to call if I needed her.

  Nakoa and Inoa took Ursula, Harlan, a group of Hawks, and Tala sailors from the ship on a tour of the island and palace. I begged off to work in the library, though the irony didn’t escape me that they would have seen more of the island than I. It gave me a pang that Inoa stepped so easily back into the role of playing hostess for her brother, but that was how it should be.

  Akamai went with them, performing the laborious three-step translation from Nahanaun to Dasnarian, which Harlan then relayed to Ursula in Common Tongue. I tried not to feel guilty about it and poured that energy into studying the N’andana texts. I was missing something about the root of this magic and what the promised treasure could be. Though Tane had backed down, I hated to leave Nakoa with anything for the chief to use as an opening. If only I could find the key to being able to read the language, it would possibly answer so many riddles. How magic propagated. Why the barrier went up in the first place. How to manage it in the future.

  “It seems I’m meeting you on your territory this time.”

  Startled by Ursula’s voice, I looked up to see her standing across the table from me.

  “Your Majesty! I apolo—”

  “Oh, shut up with that, Dafne. Or, I suppose I should say, Queen Dafne Nakoa KauPo.”

  I groaned and scrubbed my face with my hands. “Please don’t.”

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Surprisingly good, actually. I seem to heal quickly these days. All the island sunshine, perhaps.”

  She studied me a moment. “Can I sit?”

  “Sorry! Of course. Or we could go somewhere—”

  “This is good. Quiet. Private.” She sat, adjusting her sword as she did. “The dagger goes well on that knife belt—is it Jepp’s?”

  “Yes. She gave it to me just before she left. It wasn’t her fault, Your Majesty, that she left me here. She had no choice.”

  Ursula didn’t answer immediately, pursing her lips in thought. “If you call me ‘Your Majesty’ one more time, I might run you through. Since when are we not friends?”

  I gaped at her, scrambling for a reply. First Nakoa, now her. I couldn’t seem to get anything right. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

  “And stop acting all humble and contrite!” she snapped.

  “Stop interrupting me!”

  Unexpectedly, she grinned. “That’s better.”

  I shook my head at her. “It’s just been . . . such a mess. I let you down. I got myself embroiled in this mess. You had to come rescue me and I still know nothing more about what you sent me to find out. I expect you to be angry and disappointed with me.”

  “I did not have to come rescue you. As you pointed out, I should not have. I could have sent someone else to extricate you.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  She looked thoughtful. “Gut instinct? First of all, as I told you before you left Ordnung, I consider you part of my family. You know how I feel about protecting the ones I love. For good or ill, it’s how I’m built. I couldn’t have made myself stay behind again. It nearly killed me to do it once.”

  “Who did you leave in charge, anyway?”

  She smirked. “Groningen.”

  “Oh.” I thought about it. “Good choice.”

  “Yes. He agreed on the contingency that, in my absence, he would be revoking every one of Uorsin’s policies he hated the most. In order.”

  “Goddesses.” I was surprised she’d agreed to that.

  She followed my thought, too, and shrugged. “He’s a savvy king. Any policy or law he hates likely should be abolished—and he’ll save me doing it. It worked out well. I get some distance from being tied to the throne and he gets to destroy his enemy’s legacy.”

  “I should have known you came yourself in part because you wanted adventure.”

  “True. It wasn’t easy to sit tight with tedious details instead of being the one out seeing what was going on. But . . . I also had a feeling that I needed to handle the negotiations myself. Having seen what I have, I’m glad I did.”

  “Because Nakoa is difficult to deal with?”

  She smiled slightly and tipped her head in acknowledgment. “That. Though I know you smoothed the way for me considerably there—thank you. I apologize that I didn’t think to tell you so yesterday.”

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. That I let you down.”

  “That’s the second time you’ve said that.” An illustration on the table caught her eye and she turned it slightly to see it better, then glanced up at me. “You’ve never let me down. If anything, I let you down yesterday by jumping to conclusions and saying some unfair things. I’ll apologize for that, too. I was in a temper
and not at my best.” She grimaced ruefully.

  “Harlan give you a talking-to?”

  “Considering he’s the most loving, gentle man I’ve ever known, he’s sure good at kicking my ass.”

  This is what lovers do for each other.

  “At any rate,” she continued, “I have . . . certain scars that blind me sometimes. I was so worried about you and what you might have been forced into that I failed to see how much you love Nakoa and how much he treasures you.”

  “But . . . But you insisted that the marriage doesn’t exist.”

  “It doesn’t,” she replied in a crisp tone, rapping her knuckles on the table. “You are my subject, my ward, my adopted sister, and my councilor. A foreign king has no right to abduct you and make you his bride without my say-so. I discussed as much with Nakoa before coming here to find you.”

  Which meant translated through Akamai and Harlan. I wanted to bang my forehead on the desk, thinking of the four of them discussing my sex life. This was worse than anything even Jepp had put me through.

  “It’s a bad precedent,” she said, a smile in her voice. “My councilor would have been the first to say so, once upon a time.”

  “You have a point.” She was right. I’d been so muddled, I hadn’t even considered that aspect.

  “So I offered to negotiate your hand in marriage and suggested a number of concessions that would come along with aligning our families.” She watched me, keen-edged silver in her eyes.

  Uh-oh. I swallowed my trepidation. “What did Nakoa say?”

  She folded her arms on the table and leaned in, every inch the predatory hawk Harlan liked to call her. “He thanked me for the generous offer, said that he wished he could accept, for his benefit and for his people’s, but that you and he had discussed it and you planned to return to Ordnung with me.”