Zero Sum

by B. Justin Shier

  You found me, my child. You dug me out and loosened my chains. You asked me for help. You begged for my services. An unusual feat, yes, but you do what you need to survive, no matter what the taste, no matter what the cost. You are like her in that way, aren’t you, my child?

  “Stop,” I pleaded.

  And isn’t it wonderful when we prevail? Isn’t it so—exciting?

  I gagged and bowled over onto my knees. The mage in black was sliding across the slick grass, inching towards the vibrating gate. I saw the terror etched in his face. Saw how he struggled to just survive. Saw when he noticed me hiding in the leaves. Saw how he pleaded for mercy with his eyes. And I remembered, I remembered how I had laughed at him. And the despair on his face as that last tuft gave way…the sight of his flesh converted to bloody mulch…the screams…the satisfaction…

  Of a good day’s work. That is exactly what I am talking about, my child.

  I felt sick. Stars above, Rei and I had laughed about it. We had even called him Mr. Pudding. I bowled over into the dirt and puked ‘til there was nothing left. My eyes felt like they were coming out, but I kept on heaving until I couldn’t breathe. Forced to gasp for air, I slammed my hands into the ground again and again.

  “Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!” I screamed. “How the fuck did I get into this mess? I didn’t want to kill Tyrone. I didn’t want to fight the tall man. I didn’t want to do any of those things last night. I just wanted to go to college, find a job, and be left in peace.”

  Please, my child, we picked the fight with Tyrone. We chose to attack the tall magus. And last night…why did we not use a smokescreen? Why not that fruit juice trick? You say you didn’t want to? Your behavior argues otherwise.

  “I’m not like that coldhearted bitch. I feel. She doesn’t. I care. She doesn’t. Fuck that shit! This is a side effect of the partnering. I’m a human being. I’m not some fucking monster!”

  I stumbled to my feet and pressed on.

  Funny, but I thought we formed the weft-link after we slaughtered that pig, Tyrone. I apologize, my child, time flows somewhat differently for me. Perhaps I am mistaken…

  Wave after wave of emotion crashed over me. Guilt. Shame. Disgust. I couldn’t bear it anymore. The rain was coating my eyes, soaking my clothes, and chilling me to the core, but it wasn’t enough to block it all out. I could still feel. It still hurt.

  “No more,” I rasped. “No more.”

  Pitiful, the voice grumbled.

  I ran with reckless speed. I couldn’t see more than a foot ahead of myself. Branches slashed me. The brush tore at my robe. I didn’t care. I pressed forward. Urged my muscles to pump harder. I ignored the fuzzy whiteness filling my vision—and I finally ran out of luck. I struck the waiting rock at full-speed. I didn’t even see it coming. It cracked hard into my shin and sent my body forward over the waiting ledge, down into the darkened pit of a ravine.

  And then everything stopped. I was floating free, cheating gravity and time. In that moment of overwhelming terror, all the guilt, all the confusion, all the doubts, all the shame, they all washed away in one brilliant flashflood of dread. Control was gone. Responsibility was gone. Only the nothingness of the cold moment remained.

  My child, what are you doing?

  Wind rushed past my ears.

  Rain plastered my body.

  Wake up!

  My Sight erupted in silver radiance. A cold stabbing chill raked across my flesh. I ignored it. I ignored “us.” Why deal with something so complicated, when I could focus on something so clear and uncompromising: I was about to die. All the pain was about to stop.

  “Dieter!” a voice echoed through the rain.

  I wanted to stay there, floating in mid-air, free from reality. Alone. Quiet. This way was better.

  “Dieter!”

  I reached out to the silver embrace of the void—and the mother of all impacts crumpled my right side. My body hurtled in a new trajectory, and the jagged embrace of death melted away from my Sight. I landed with a thud, the air already out of my lungs. Continuing the roll, my ear cracked into something hard. Stars filled my vision. A burst of pain overwhelmed my senses. As I rolled to a stop on my back, the images came rushing back. The guilt. The shame. The despair.

  I clutched my face and screamed.

  “No, more,” I pleaded. “Make it stop! Please, just make it go away.” I slammed my fists into the turf. Tore my palms to pieces against the streambed’s jagged rocks. It didn’t matter. I wanted the pain. I needed the pain.

  My Sight registered the blow before it came—a beautiful crimson brushstroke that would erupt across my skull. It was sharp and without restraint. A molar snapped from its root. Blood spattered out my mouth. My senses scrambled, I gasped and choked and wretched. And now I was getting lifted by the collar of my shirt. Getting dragged across the ground. My eyes didn’t work. The world was spinning like crazy. My back slammed into something rough, and the hand on my collar pressed into me. The air was crushed out of my chest. I spat blood and whimpered. I’d been running at full-sprint. Now I was suffocating. I needed to breathe, but the hand pressing in against me was like an iron vice. The seconds pressed on, and the raw fear overtook me. I wanted air. I wanted air more than anything.

  That simple urge trumped all the rest. I clenched my battered fists, summoned what little reserves I had, and struck back blindly. The first punch missed short, brushing past nostrils. I corrected with my right and connected square with the temple. I followed with another left. A right. Another left. The sick wet impacts confirmed my aim, but the air continued to flow out of me. I got more desperate. I reached out my fingers wide and clawed at the throat. I tore into the flesh like an animal. My left hand found shoulder. I held it for leverage and smacked the face again and again. I felt the nose give way, felt the blood spray, and with the last of my air, I screamed. It was guttural. Not even human sounding. My hand brushed some hair. I would tear it out. I would tear it out until it screamed too. I would tear it out until its pain matched my own. I would tear every last strand of this long, smooth…

  I froze, my hand still clenching a clump of it.

  I opened my eyes, and my body slumped.

  An unrecognizable slab of meat stood before me. The skin was pulverized. The nose was crushed. The scalp was bleeding, a flap of skin hung from its torn open throat, and bluish blood oozed from the scratches in its neck. In the middle of all that hell sat two pale blue eyes. What was left of its mouth spit a tablespoon of blood.

  “Dieter, it has been my experience that those who truly wish for all the pain to go away put up much less of a fight.”

  With her free hand, Rei Acerba Bathory reset her broken nose. She relaxed the pressure crushing my sternum, and my lungs began to work. Minutes passed with the rain falling steadily. I hung from Rei’s arm like a rag doll, and the life began to crawl back into me. With it came the haunting memories of those I’d killed, the terrible images that had driven me into the woods. I let the pain wash over me, let the guilt drown me, and through it all, I felt her hand holding me, felt her blue eyes appraising me. When I could finally bear it, I looked up at her. Rei’s face had fast-forwarded many hours. Black and blue bruises coated her skin, but the many wounds had already closed.

  Seemingly satisfied, she released me and walked off.

  I struggled to stand under my own power.

  “Let’s go back,” she said hoarsely.

  I nodded, and we began the slow walk back to campus. Rei walked ahead, head down, hands shoved into her sopping grey robe. Thirty minutes must have passed, and she never said a word.

  “Rei!” I shouted.

  Her body stilled ahead of me.

  “I was about to impale myself, wasn’t I?”

  Her sopping body stayed as still as stone.

  “I sensed it coming. It was like a million tiny blades raking across my body. I felt them on me when I fell…and I…I didn’t care.” I bit my lip. “If you hadn’t…If you hadn’t…” My voice t
railed off as the waves of shame rolled over me.

  Rei didn’t respond. She just made a gesture towards campus.

  I didn’t try talking again. It hurt too bad to even think about it. I focused on my footing. The storm had turned the ground into a sloppy mess, and I followed in the path of Rei’s footsteps, trusting her sense of direction. An hour later we broke through the tree line. The dim lights of Elliot burned ahead of us. Rei stopped walking and stared up into the heavy sheets of rain. Her black hair rested behind her like a cape. A tuft of it was missing above her ear. The sight of it stabbed at me again. A reminder of what I’d nearly done.

  “Can you make it back from here?” she asked. Her voice still sounded hoarse. “I…still have bruises. They will think that we mixed blood. And we aren’t to be near, besides.”

  Reality crashed down on me like a sack of bricks. For Rei to have been there when I fell…

  “Rei…” My mouth was as dry as a bone. “How much did you hear?”

  She refused to even look at me.

  Stars above. Monster, I’d called Rei a monster.

  “I saw you heading across the field,” she whispered. “I tried to catch up. I wished to apologize for last night. To explain why I…why…” She stopped to clear her throat, the same throat she’d let me tear to pieces in my panic. “Your words were sharp, Dieter—but they were correct. I am nothing but—”

  Her lips were as cold as the rain.

  The small of her back quivered from my touch, and a wave of warmth rushed through me as she stiffened. I opened my eyes to find hers. They were wide with surprise—and glowing with tears. I held her as she sank into my arms. Held her as her lashes pinched off the last of those bitter, salty drops. Held her as her sweet breath tickled my nose. Held her—until I realized she was sucking the blood straight from my mouth.

  Then I tripped backwards and fell on my ass.

  Rei bit her finger and look down at me sheepishly.

  “Sorry,” she managed.

  I stood up and brushed myself off. “Well, I’ll take it as a compliment.”

  Rei, her petite fangs gleaming, let loose a melodic laugh. I looked up at the sky and sighed. The clouds were parting, revealing the pale moon above. I looked back down to see Rei still smiling.

  “You didn’t jump,” she observed.

  “I get stupider by the day.”

  “Indeed,” she said, glancing up at the moon.

  “Ms. Bathory, you’re holding my last pair of jeans hostage. I plan to claim them.”

  “An ambitious fool to boot…” She took my hand in her clumsy fingers. “Allow me to guide you to your quarry.”

  The two of us set off in the direction of her cabin, enjoying the crunch of the gravel beneath our feet.

  Chapter 2

  BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

  Cumo eyed me suspiciously.

  The shaggy white dog gave the obligatory sniff before squeezing between us. I let go of Rei’s hand to give the giant soggy mess a pet.

  “Your hand is unbelievably warm,” Rei said, feeling her empty palm.

  “Hadn’t noticed,” I said, teeth clattering.

  Rei looked at me in outrage.

  “Dieter Resnick! Why did you say nothing? You could develop hypothermia!”

  I smiled back at her. Rei was probably a little hazy on the concept of shivering. “Don’t worry about it.” Kneeling down, I drew some mana from the ley. “Check this out. I’ve been working on a new spell. It’s like the combustion one, but with much less starting mana.”

  “No!” Rei yelped, slapping my hand away from the dirt. I guess Rei wasn’t too keen on my combustion spell. The first time I used it, the spell had killed someone and blown apart half a building. “Do not worry yourself, Dieter. I have a fireplace, which I never use. Let us light some wood. That will be most enjoyable!”

  I kicked some gravel. “Rei, I really am getting better. Jules has been helping me with the control. That napalm spell took three simultaneous transmutations.”

  I looked up to find Rei wasn’t there anymore. That sneak. Grumbling to myself, I stepped inside her cabin, slipped off my muddy boots, and hung up my sopping robe. I guess Rei was right. Compared to everyone else on campus, my grasp of magic was pathetic. I watched as a puddle collected beneath me. I could have done that cast…

  Rei stepped out of her bathroom with a leaning-tower-of-towel wrapped around her head. “Dried clothes await you in the bathroom. Get changed before you become ill. I shall start the fire.”

  Dejected, I shuffled to the bathroom. This wasn’t the way I wanted the night to go. I wanted to…well actually, come to think of it, I didn’t know what I wanted. A date? I mean, come on. Rei and I weren’t exactly a matching pair… Actually, we were a pair of sorts, a weft-pair. But dating material? Not so much. And now I’d gone and kissed her. Stars above. That was my first real kiss…and the first time anyone ever drank my blood…and…

  I stared at my swollen head in the mirror. What a weird combo.

  I slid out of my sopping wet clothes and noted the two towels hanging on the rack. There’d only been one this morning…a wave of embarrassment rushed over me. I’d forgotten to wash it out after I’d used it. Now she probably thought I was a slob.

  “Great moves, Dieter. Great moves,” I mumbled. “Soil the fanged lady’s linens.” Another bout of the shivers kept me from moping. I took a quick, searing hot shower to wash off the blood and mud. Drying off, I slid into my last set of clothes. The fresh pair of jeans felt like heaven. Then I took a moment to inspect the damage. My jaw throbbed where Rei had cracked me, and I could feel the gap where a molar once resided. The tooth was long gone. A squirrel had probably made off with it. The loss of a tooth was kinda a bummer, but as I stared into the mirror, I decided I might be better for it. The gap would be a permanent reminder of the selfish ass I’d been tonight.

  When I left the bathroom, I found Rei working the bellows with a cross expression planted on her face. The moist timber she’d selected was obliging her efforts by filling the room with smoke.

  “Um, Rei?”

  “One moment, Dieter, I am igniting the tinder.”

  “But, Rei…”

  “Patience, Dieter.”

  “Rei, you need to open the flue first.”

  Rei paused her pumping. Her frown deepened. “And how do I do that?”

  I reached into the fireplace and undid the latch.

  Intrigued, Rei peered up into chimney pipe. “Ah! I see. This hatch must be opened to vent the fumes. Thank you, Dieter. This is my first attempt.” She returned to aggressively pumping the bellows.

  “You’ve never used a fireplace before?”

  “The need never arose. I do not get cold easily, and back home there are servants to do such tasks for me.”

  “Home? You mean in Chicago?”

  “Indeed.”

  I waited for her to elaborate, but her neutral expression indicated that no further details would be forthcoming.

  “May I?” I asked.

  Rei nodded, and handed me the bellows.

  As I worked the stubborn embers, her eyes widened.

  “You are talented at this task. Were you retained as a chimney sweep as a child?”

  “No,” I said with a laugh. “I worked in a restaurant growing up, but I used to go camping with my dad. He called it ‘desert survival training.’ Anyway, every night we would make a fire to cook on. Otherwise, it was just jerky and cold beans for dinner.”

  I gave Mr. Bellows two more pumps, and with a rush, the temperature hit critical. The smoldering wood ignited, and a satisfying crackling replaced the quiet. I set down the bellows and switched to the poker. Rei went to heat some water on the stove.

  “Your father and mother—do they live in Las Vegas?”

  I finished laying out our boots and socks in front of the flames and sat down. “My father does—if you want to call what he does living.”

  Rei filled the kettle to the brim and set it on the
burner. “I do not understand this. Is your father of the undead?”

  “They exist?”

  “In a sense,” Rei replied.

  “Good to know.”

  Rei cocked her head.

  I picked at a thumbnail. Scratched my head. Sighed. “What I meant is that my father’s an alcoholic. He works late and drinks later. He’s got a bad temper too. Always getting into fights. You see my mother left us when I was young, and I don’t think my father ever got over it. For a while the two of us got on okay, but then the economy collapsed. First came the pay cuts, then he got caught drinking on the job, and then he lost his position as pit boss. He got demoted to dealer. Now he works for guys that he used to manage. All-and-all, it’s pretty humiliating.”

  “And your mother?”

  “She left us when I was a baby. I have no idea why, and if my father does, he sure as hell won’t say. If you bring my mom up, he’ll say she was a ‘lying whore’ and punch something—usually me.”

  “Did you not wish to find her?” Rei asked. “Did you not wonder about her? Wish to sneak a glance?”

  It was my turn to look confused.

  Rei frowned. “Why did you not just track her scent and… Oh, pardon me, Dieter. I had forgotten. Your nose is too dull…”

  I waved the apology away. “Even if I could, I don’t know if I would. Besides, Rei, I don’t even know if she’s alive.” I frowned. The words sounded funny. It occurred to me that I had never once spoken that thought out loud. I’d opened my mouth to ask Rei why she was so interested when the kettle whistled and boiling water splashed all over the stove. Rei had overfilled it. The sizzling flames nearly drowned under the deluge.

  “The tea water is ready,” Rei said, definitively. She fished out two packets of Celestial Seasoning’s chamomile blend.

  “Some things remain the same,” I mused.

  “Sorry?” she asked, bringing over the two warm mugs.