Zero Sum

by B. Justin Shier

  “I guess I owe you an apology,” I muttered.

  “Oh?” Rei raised an eyebrow. “Allow me to don my boots. I wish to wear them as you lick them.”

  “Sorry. S&M isn’t on the menu.” I fortified Jules’ position with pillows and walked over to my pack. I pulled out the sleeve of photos, and tossed them in her lap. “Merry Christmas.”

  Rei rolled her eyes as she undid the rubber band. “I doubt you could afford anything that would…“ Rei’s face went as blank as a sheet of paper. She swept a strand of hair behind her ear and flipped to the next one. Her jaw grew taught. A full minute passed before she cleared her throat. She gestured at ten dark brown strips attached by a paperclip. “Are these what you call negatives?”

  I nodded.

  “They are used to make more, yes?”

  “Correct. You always need to get the negatives back too if you don’t want more copies made.”

  “Yes. I have watched North by Northwest as well.” The tension in Rei’s shoulders eased. “Did you examine them?”

  “Heck no,” I managed. It was like swallowing an apple backwards.

  “Excuse me?” Rei frowned and flipped through the photos once again. “Not even once?”

  I shook my head no. (In a futile attempt at self-preservation, my throat had gone as dry as a desert.)

  Rei thumbed her chin. “This one captures my essence.” She pulled one of the slender pieces of celluloid from the stack. The photo was of her, buck-naked, about to introduce the camera lens to her fist. “You may retain this as your reward.” Rei’s eyes narrowed. “But no duplications.”

  Shit like this was not allowed to happen.

  I shook my head like she’d offered me lima beans.

  Rei looked taken aback. She cocked her head sideways.

  “Dieter, are you a gay?”

  I bit my lip. It was a fair question. Rei wasn’t like a lot of pretty girls. She knew exactly where she stood. (On the top of the heap, her left heel digging into the pummeled mush that was Womankind.) And she managed her looks with the shrewd acumen of an accountant. They were her products, her wares, and she had no doubt they would sell.

  I took a deep breath. It was enough to make a male terrified.

  It was also a major turnoff.

  “Stars above, Rei, this is kinda awkward.”

  “Awkward does not concern me.” Rei gave my words a dismissive wave. “Be less of a coward with your thoughts.”

  Okay. Fine. You can be one hell of a bitch, I kinda want to stake you, and…

  “You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”

  Not that Rei would care. It was like saying that water was wet, the sky trended blue, and the sun rose in the East every morning.

  Rei blinked.

  “But if you lust for me, why do you not desire this photo?” She glanced down at it, turned it upside down, and frowned. “This confuses me. Is the focus poor?” She shoved it in my face.

  “The focus is fine!” I near shouted. I crossed my arms and looked away. “It’s more complicated than that.”

  Back in Vegas, there were guys who could get girls to do anything—and I mean anything. A bit of food. Another hit. That’s all it took for most of them. But some were even worse. They took what they wanted by force. They took what they wanted because they could. It creeped me out. It was worse than treating a girl like a thing, and frankly, it soiled the whole affair. I’d only get satisfaction from the embers.

  “I tire of waiting, Dieter. I have made you a gracious offer. Why do you insist on refusing it?”

  “Isn’t it obvious?” I stammered. “I want something real.”

  Rei’s haughty expression vanished. It looked like she’d been struck.

  “Oh.”

  Her lips pressed tight, she gave me a strained smile.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” Rei’s hands found the ground, and she rolled up onto her toes. She extracted her favorite hoodie from her backpack and tugged it on. A familiar looking box cutter tumbled from the front pouch. She snatched it up and replaced it. “I shall recompense you with a proper purse. How many hours did this foray consume?”

  I frowned. I was missing something.

  “But I didn’t ask for money.”

  “And I didn’t ask for charity.” I watched as Rei rooted around in her bag for her purse. I’d upset her somehow. Perhaps refusing a gift was considered taboo?

  “I want something else.”

  Rei turned her entire backpack upside down. A dozen bizarre trinkets topped out.

  “What more is there than funds? I fail to see what else I can offer.”

  “A story.”

  Rei turned and glared at me.

  “I’m serious. I want a story. A childhood one would be best.” I smiled. “And it’s gotta be something you’ve never told anyone before.”

  “You wish for intelligence…” Rei gave me a predatory smile. She looked both hurt and pleased. “A wise request, Dieter. But my family’s secrets are not mine to sell.”

  “Stars above, woman, I didn’t ask for theirs.”

  “This is idiocy.” Cradling her empty backpack, Rei plopped down on the carpet in a huff.

  “You could always give me back the photos,” I said with a grin.

  “One story and I am free of this?”

  “Yep.”

  “But it shall be a most boring story.”

  With all the hair covering her face, I couldn’t see much other than her pout.

  “This is the part where you start telling it.”

  Rei examined the ceiling.

  Rei examined the floor.

  Rei stuck her hands in her hoodie.

  Rei shifted from side to side.

  “Cold feet?” I asked.

  “The temperature of my feet has nothing to do with this. I shall tell something, but be prepared to be most un-entertained.

  I put my chin on my hands. “Preparations complete.”

  Rei let loose a tiny growl. “Bator’s Ghost, I hate you—but I fulfill my oaths. When I was but a child, I discovered that there were rabbits lurking in the bushes near the northern pastures. I began to covet these rabbits greatly. I imagined that their fur was soft. I imagined that their muzzles were wet and tickly. But these rabbits fled when I approached, and no manner of wooing would win them.”

  Scowling, Rei looked off into the distance.

  “What?”

  “This story is stupid.”

  “It is not stupid. Stop wussing out.”

  Rei gave me a look that indicated a strong desire to rest my head on a curbside and stomp on it. Through gritted fangs she continued. “Outmaneuvered by these rabbits, I devised a contraption to ensnare them. The mechanism involved ten meters of twine, appropriated from the kitchens, attached to a tree branch bent under twenty five pounds of tension.”

  “Twenty five pounds of tension?” Visions of catapulting bunnies danced through my head. “Did it work?”

  “Of course it worked, you twit. I followed Field Manual 66-67 to the letter. On the second day, the twine noose cinched around a female cottontail’s forepaws and restrained her for retrieval later that evening.”

  “Please tell me you named her Snuggles.”

  “Naming her was unnecessary. When I returned to the snare site that evening, I found a long-eared owl feasting on her innards.”

  “Oh.” I near choked. “Sorry, Rei. That’s terrible.”

  Rei was plucking at the seam of her tights. She gave a shrug and continued. “That the rabbit died did not trouble me so. Predation is the way of things. This rabbit was given a fair challenge and she failed it.” Rei yanked out an offending thread and flicked it away. “What unsettled me was that this creature was filled with milk. I noted it on the owl’s beak as it devoured her.”

  It took a few moments for me to process that.

  “You mean the rabbit was raising babies when she died?”

  “Kittens, Dieter. Young rabbits are ref
erred to as kittens. And, yes, this is what I assumed as well.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I was uncomfortable with the idea of letting this she-rabbit’s young starve. It felt…wasteful. So after the owl had his fill, I approached the rabbit’s carcass and fixed her scent with my nares.” Rei rolled another piece of thread between her fingertips. She pondered it before flicking it away. “While father had forbid me to purchase pets, he had spoken nary a word on the topic of adoption. Thus, the concept of raising the rabbit’s young became quite tempting. I planned to trace her scent back to her nest and then claim them as my own.”

  I scratched my chin. I was growing more and more confident that this was the origin story of Bunnicula.

  “I was most talented at tracking, Dieter. I believed the task would be easy. But this rabbit was most cunning. She masked her route by performing a series of overlapping circles, which dove in and out of a heavy patch of sharp bramble. Rei chuckled. “The tracks crossed so many times I became dizzy.”

  “That’s one well-designed rabbit.”

  “It was not by some design.”

  “Sure it was. It was hard-coded into her brain. Obsessive compulsive disorder isn’t there by accident.”

  Rei shook her head. “I have witnessed a doe starve for her fawn. I have seen a tribe of otters fall for one. I have sat in a hunting blind as a pack of wolves mourned ten nights over the corpse of their omega. Design would have erased such things. What I am telling you of is the defeat of instinct.”

  I frowned. “Huh?”

  “Love.” She whispered the word like a tightly held secret. Smiling, she plucked another black thread, lifted it above her head, and let it flutter back to the ground. “I am aware that humans believe they are the sole owners of this curse, but all creatures love, Dieter. Love is our one shared madness, our one shared burden. All creatures are driven against sense by it, and even the lowest ant will die madly for her queen. Imagine the precious calories that went into this pathetic rabbit’s tedious little efforts. She hadn’t a need for flimsy words. She showed her love with paw prints.”

  I couldn’t think of what to say. Rei had never spoken like this before.

  Her eyes still on me, she plucked out another thread. A hole opened in the seam. She didn’t seem to notice. “I discovered her nest on the fourth night, and only one of the kittens was left alive. It was a male. The runt. The rest had huddled about him. Their own deaths had preserved him.”

  The sole survivor of a litter…creepy.

  “Did you raise him?”

  “In a sense.” A cold glaze danced over Rei’s eyes. She looked as alien as the moon. “I lifted him to my cheek. I’d been correct in my assumptions: his fur was soft and warm, his muzzle was wet and tickly, but his body also shook from a terrible fever. He probably only had a few hours left to live.” Rei wrapped her arms around her legs. “I’d seen such a scenario on an excellent television show, Lassie, so I rushed him to the nearest fire. On Lassie, the added heat revived the child, but this kitten’s heart began to whisper bad things. His limbs only grew colder as I rubbed them.” Rei glanced out the window. Flakes of snow were melting to form a glaze against the glass. Only the tick of a clock dared to fill the empty time. “His mind contained no knowledge. He knew nothing of his fate. Even as he swirled toward his end, he looked most pleased with my nuzzling.”

  “What did you do?”

  Rei gave me a rosy smile. “I showed him my love.”

  I blinked. “You what?”

  Rei gestured to the door. “The lieutenant is stumbling down the hall.”

  “Hold the phone, Rei!”

  “Hush. I have told a most excellent story—and this is my favorite part of this program.” The infomercial had taken a turn for the worst. A tribe of muscle heads was demonstrating some weird elliptical trainer with rubber bands that attached to their thighs. “Can you believe how juicy those hamstrings are?”

  “They’re full of artificial flavorings—and you can’t leave me hanging like this, Bathory. That’s not how stories work!”

  “Organically grown Americans are quite rare. Almost as rare as Americans that can enjoy a journey without the promise of a carefully orchestrated, yet wholly artificial terminus crafted to strike their likings. Not all of life is about mountain climbing, Dieter.”

  “But—”

  “You were riveted, were you not?”

  “I demand closure.”

  “Then next time I shall drag you up upon the tallest of peaks…but you had best not complain of sore knees on the way down.”

  Next time? “Oh, shove it, Rei.” I nudged Jules awake. “Blackmail time, paparazzo.”

  Jules knocked off her blanket. “About fockin’ time!” (I couldn’t help but think that Jules had shrugged off all that sleep a wee-bit too quick.)

  Indifferent, Rei gestured to the TV. “I am wondering: why do so many of these extended commercials proffer exercise equipment so early in the morning? Would not pillows and blankets sell better?”

  “Haven’t a clue,” Jules said powering up the camera’s strobe, “I don’t bother with TV.”

  Rei looked thunderstruck. “But, Druid, it is most entertaining! You should sample the comedies in which families sit on couches. Oh, and the fat people shows!” She smiled. “The fat people shows are most excellent.”

  Jules adjusted her spectacles. “Bathory, if I thought every channel was the Food Network, I’d probably agree with ya.”

  “There are gardening shows on the PBS. You can observe tomatoes and other growing things too.”

  Before Jules could unload hell’s fury on Rei, the front door clicked open. In a daze, Dante stumbled into the room. Lipstick stained both his cheeks. Tiny nibbles festooned his earlobes. A tie was dangling from his jacket like spilled entrails.

  Rei started laughing uncontrollably, while Jules firing off her first volley of photos.

  “Lieutenant,” Rei said between gasps for air, “were you attacked by a set of gums?”

  “I—”

  Jules hit him with another flashbulb.

  Dante gave her a bleary-eyed look. His head went sideways, and both his cheeks bulged.

  “Toilet!” Jules ordered.

  Dante went sprinting into our room. The sound of retching soon followed.

  I waited a few minutes before checking on him. The scene was grim. Our hero looked doomed.

  “We leave in an hour,” I whispered.

  Dante let out a groan before making another offering to his porcelain goddess.

  Shutting the door behind him, I traded my loaner suit for a black t-shirt and some blue jeans. I decided to postpone washing up. (The shenanigans going on in that bathroom couldn’t be unseen.) When I returned to the living room, Jules and Rei were back to arguing.

  “But why must you insist on labeling her a predator?” Rei asked with an artful wave of her toothbrush. “It is a symbiotic relationship, Druid. The boy gains experience. The woman, an enjoyable evening.”

  “It still be gross and amoral,” Jules said with a stomp of her red Converse sneakers.

  “But it ‘still be’ consensual, Druid.”

  “Consent doesn’t count when the wee head is doin’ the signin’.”

  “It is harmless,” Rei said with a sigh.

  Jules crossed her arms and scowled. Her PJs somewhat diminished the effect. “Preyin’ on a boy that doesn’t know better? Oh, I see plenty of harm in that, Rei Acerba.” Her eyes narrowed. “Plenty.”

  A knock at the door interrupted their debate.

  I opened it to find Agent Stetson. He had on a fresh set of bandages.

  “Hello, Mr. Resnick, is Madam Fremont in?”

  A towel still around her head, Madam Fremont poked her head out of her room. “That she is—and quite awake thanks to all the ruckus. Your report, Stetson?”

  “Preparations are complete, ma’am. We’re set up by the river.”

  Nodding, the old woman hobbled across the room and deposite
d herself at the table. “Students, your mission takes priority over the defense of Salt Lake. Your party is to travel with Agent Tools as he wished. To avoid the risks I outlined during dinner, your party will take Interstate 70 into the mountains where you will pass through the city of Denver. Your two paths will diverge in a town called Green River. The stretch between Salinas and Green River is the longest in the entire interstate system without a gas station. It is an isolated place, rife for a few young sots looking to make mischief. That’s where you’ll make your move.”

  Jules was busying simultaneously tugging on a sweater and lacing up her high-tops. “But how are we supposta shake Jasper and Francesca?”

  Madam Fremont tented her fingers. “The two are quite keen. They would sniff out a well-formed plot in an instant…but they are also creatures of duty. Know only that a sudden bout of car trouble near the town’s eastern border would do much to further your cause.”

  Rei whispered into my ear, “Dieter, why should we trust her?”

  I nearly jumped out of my skin. She’d snuck up on me again.

  “She seems nice.”

  “Nice?” Rei bristled. “She attempted to murder me.”

  In the other room, Dante started puking again.

  Madam Fremont looked up at Jules. “Would you give the poor boy an antiemetic already? I do believe he’s learned his lesson.”

  “But dontcha think the lesson aught ta be an extra-sticky one?”

  Fremont answered with a scowl.

  Defeated, Jules dug into her giant hemp purse. She took out a bag of herbs and mixed them with the boiling water Ayaan had prepared for tea. The concoction smelled like peanut butter mixed with sawdust. As Jules went off to repair Dante, Agent Stetson took tea and toast with Fremont and Ayaan. Figuring we were going to be leaving soon, I went about picking up Dante’s things. Rei withdrew to the nearest dark corner.

  That didn’t sit well with Madam Fremont.

  “Do sit, shadow dancer. I’m not the one that bites.”

  “I am fine,” Rei replied. (It sounded more like “I would prefer to disembowel you” to my ears.)

  Ayaan poured out a cup of tea in front of the empty chair.

  “Would you refuse my hospitality?”

  Rei’s jaw tensed. “Of course not, reaper filth.” She gave a stiff bow and sat.