I took a deep breath, trying to understand how much pain Dex was in. He had been deceived and though it was not out of malice or ill intentions, I kept a very big secret from him. I had to believe that the words he spoke were not the words he believed to be true. I had to keep my emotions settled and at bay but he was making it very difficult. When he decided to attack my character, my truth, and my person I felt my own anger rear its head. I took in a deep breath and clenched my jaw, knowing what was coming next.
“You know what,” Dex said quietly with a dark chuckle. “I don’t even believe I took your virginity. A girl like you would have been looking for a man long before me. There’s no way you hadn’t given it up yet, especially with how easy it was for me to get in your pants.”
That was it, that was the one thing I knew I could not handle. My eyes widened at his words and without thought, I reached up and slapped him across the face. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I felt as if I couldn’t even breathe.
“How dare you,” I whispered. “How dare you question something so sacred and important. Go to hell, Dex.”
With those words, I ran up both sets of stairs and through my front door, slamming and locking it behind me. My whole body was shaking and as soon as the door was there to separate me from Dex, I completely lost it. I didn’t care that Brandon and Natalie were sitting in the living room behind me. I didn’t care that the father of my child was standing on the street below the apartment. I let it all go right there. All the emotions I’d felt over the past five years came crashing down around me. Natalie rushed over and grabbed me by the arm, leading me to the couch. My hands were shaking and I was sobbing uncontrollably. Finally letting myself feel everything was overwhelming. I couldn’t breathe or think. My head was spinning and my heart ached in a way it never had before. All I could hear were Dex’s harsh words echoing in my mind.
Natalie smiled kindly as she poured a glass of wine and handed it to me. They waited patiently while I collected myself and caught my breath. I could barely see anything through the tears and I brought the wine to my lips, letting out a deep breath as it soothed my throat. I knew I would have to tell the whole story from the beginning since Brandon knew nothing but I didn’t mind, it would be the first time I had ever spoken about it and I needed to get it out. One thing I could feel comfortable in was knowing that Natalie knew who I was. She knew my character, my actions, my love, and my heart. She would never think, even for a split second, that anything that Dex said was true. Still, telling the whole story was a bit nerve wrecking since I had never even told Natalie. She never asked. She let me have my reasoning, understanding that whatever reason it was, was probably a good one.
“Brandon, I know this is all very confusing for you.” I whimpered. “So, I’ll start from the beginning. Five years ago, I met Dex. It was Christmas Eve and the liquor was flowing, the jokes were hilarious, and we really found a connection. When Natalie left, we had sex. It was the first time for me and I didn’t give it a second thought. The next day, Dex left for his trip and within two months, I found out I was pregnant. Dex is Seth’s father.”
I let the shock move over Brandon’s face as Natalie took his hand. I knew he would have questions but I wanted to get through the whole story so he understood better. Part of me was ashamed for hiding Seth from Dex but the other part of me still stood firmly behind my decision to protect my son.
“I never told Dex because he wasn’t really the settling down type,” I explained. “When I met him, he was deep into the company: building it, growing it, and carrying on Natalie’s father’s work. He was a playboy, not because he was a jerk but because he was settled into his own life. When he came back for the wedding, I saw immediately that he was still in that place.”
I put my hands in my lap and clasped them together to stop the shaking. I didn’t want to sit here and bash Dex but he did what he did and said what he said. If I was going to tell the story I needed to tell all of it and not just what I thought they would want to hear. I knew I played a part in this and would continue to do so for the rest of my life, but what Dex said was unnecessary and hurtful.
“I thought for a second, a split second when he took me and Seth to the pumpkin farm, that maybe his ideas about the future were changing. He was so good with Seth and he really acted like he wanted more but by the end of the day, he was gone. He didn’t call, text, or anything,” I said. “Today when he showed up, it was the first time I saw him since that day. Seth has been asking about him for weeks and I didn’t know what to tell him. Downstairs he asked me who Seth’s father was, so I told him.”
“I’m sorry,” Brandon said. “I didn’t know any of that happened. I wouldn’t have just welcomed him into your home like that.”
“No, Brandon,” I said in a kind voice. “It’s not your fault. You had no idea.”
“So, I’m assuming it didn’t go well,” Natalie said with pain behind her eyes.
“No,” I said, tearing up again. “He said I was a gold digger. He said I was lying about being a virgin, that I was just trying to pin Seth on him because I slept with some dirt bag. I understand why he was angry but he went way too far. I just don’t understand how he could say things like that to me.”
“Oh, God,” Natalie gasped as she threw her arms around me. “I’m so sorry he acted that way. That is not how we were raised. I can go kick his ass for you.”
“Yeah,” Brandon replied. “I mean no offense honey, I know I’m new to the family and all, but your brother could use a swift kick in the ass.”
I chuckled through my tears, just glad that I had a support system. The truth was, I just wanted to be alone and work through this in my head. I squeezed Natalie tight and pulled away, still holding her hands.
“I love you guys,” I said through tear covered laughter. “But really, I just want to rest. I’m tired and I think a good night’s sleep would be the best thing for me at this point.”
“Okay,” Natalie said, hugging me tightly. “If you need anything just text or call. Anytime, I’m serious.”
“I will.” I sniffled. “But really, don’t worry about me. This too will pass. It’s not like I’m not used to Dex breaking my heart at this point.”
In reality, it never got easier. I still wasn’t used to Dex constantly bolting from my life and now, with his hurtful words, I was completely beside myself. Part of me wanted Natalie to stay, part of me really wanted that comfort and love that she provided but I knew if I was going to deal with all of this in my head that I would need to be alone. I was used to working issues out alone, especially with being so shy and not having very many friends. Instead, I learned how to focus my energy and work out my problems on my own. This time though, I knew there would be a lot of questions and even more tears than normal. This wasn’t just some issue with the bills or my mother, this involved my heart as well as my head.
I smiled and walked them to the door, giving them both a big hug before they left. As soon as the door was shut, I could feel the pain surge back into my chest. The silence of the house was deafening and I wished that my son was up to distract me from my pain. I turned and flipped all the lights off since my mother was already in bed. I tiptoed down the hall and to my room, shut the door, and laid my head down on my pillow. Immediately, tears began to flood my eyes again, the reality of the situation hitting me like a ton of bricks. After five years of secrecy, I finally told Dex the truth. I thought if this day ever came I would feel relieved but that wasn’t the case at all. Instead of getting this secret off my shoulders, I expelled it from my chest, leaving a dark empty hole where it had sat for so long.
My thoughts immediately shot back to five years ago when I was sitting next to that cute, charming man. I was carefree, happy, and didn’t think for a moment that things would turn out this way. I would never take it back, I loved Seth so much, but how had everything gotten so screwed up? It was one of the most pleasurable and erotic experiences of my life. It was my first time, something I couldn’t p
ush out of my mind no matter how hard I tried. In reality, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to remember the father of my son as a hurtful angry man, even though it would make him a lot easier for me to hate. But hate wasn’t in me, no matter how much I wanted it to be. As I laid there, I felt like I’d turned everything in a huge mess. The situation was already so screwed up, had I just made it even worse?
When we went to the pumpkin patch, I thought I reserved my feelings but after seeing Dex with Seth and the love we made that night, I flipped myself back into the realm of feelings. I couldn’t even begin to explain the emotions going through me as I watched him freak out in my kitchen and run off. My mother tried to console me, telling me I was reading too much into it, but I wasn’t blind and neither was Dex. He sped off to South America, completely freaked out by what he knew to be true. He didn’t come back to spend Thanksgiving with us, he came back to settle his thoughts and find out the truth. Well, he got the truth but from his response, he was definitely not ready for it.
I turned over in bed at the sound of my door creaking. I wiped my eyes quickly and sniffled loudly. Through the dark crack in the door, Seth wobbled in, sleepy eyed and rubbing his face. I sat up in bed and picked him up, laying him down next to me. He had bad dreams sometimes and would always come into my room to snuggle next to me. It was one of my favorite parts of the day. Though I hated when he had bad dreams, I knew his need for me wouldn’t last forever. I sat there, staring at his dirty blonde hair and scrunched nose as he drifted back to sleep in the safety of his mother’s arms. He was the only thing in my entire world that mattered and I had almost forgotten that. There were no angry words, no bitter stories, and no terrible fights that could take that fact away.
I would never see Dex again, just to keep Seth safe and happy. It may not feel good to think about but I had to take a stand, a stand that would protect my dear child forever.
Chapter 15: Dex
The white leather of the jet’s seats squeaked under my clasped hand. I stared down at my laptop as I went over numbers for my upcoming meeting. I was on the way back to Caracaras to finish up the contracts for our new resort site. The trip could not have come at a better time. My mind had been in a whirlwind since the pumpkin patch, so I hadn’t gotten a lot of work done. I needed to focus, I worked so hard to get the company back on the map and now that we were right there, I couldn’t afford to have any distractions. I typed some figures into the system and checked myself for errors, realizing I couldn’t even figure out remedial math anymore. My head was too full.
I sighed and pulled my hands over my head, watching the clouds pass by the windows. I was so cruel to Casey. I hadn’t even stopped to think before I spoke. My father would be rolling over in his grave if he knew the kind of reaction I gave her. Standing out in front of her apartment, trying to soak in the understanding that I was a father while looking at Casey’s strong-willed face was too much for me. She spent this whole time lying to everyone about Seth and who his father was, including me. I still hadn’t talked to my sister, though she called me several times. I could feel the anxiety swelling in my stomach just thinking about the fact that I was actually someone’s father. And not just anyone, a sweet, caring, and extremely smart little boy.
Casey was trying so hard to protect her son from a nasty battle, from the cruelty of the world, and from me. She didn’t have enough faith in me to tell me the truth. In a way, I couldn’t blame her. I had never shown her that I would be interested in becoming a father. I ran around her flashing my charming smile and talking about all the things she feared the most for her son. I had been so cruel to her on those steps in Brooklyn. I spewed hateful words at her like it was nothing. I knew she had no interest in my money or my company and I believed her wholeheartedly that she was a virgin when we met. There was no denying Seth was my child and though I said all those horrible things to her, I didn’t believe a word of it, not even for a second. I deserved that slap in the face and probably more. I didn’t blame her a bit for reacting the way that she did. I deserved to be kicked right in the ass for being such a bastard to her.
The stewardess approached with my normal whiskey on the rocks and a warm towel, smiling kindly at me as she set them on the tray and walked away. This was the perfect example of why all of this was so hard for me. Sure, finding out about my son was extremely jolting but it was not rocket science and my mind had already accepted it as fact. What I struggled with was far more selfish and self-centered than that. I was free, free to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it. If I wanted to jet off to somewhere warm and work remotely, I could. If I wanted to go out for drinks in the city, I could. It wasn’t about other women, I had plenty of those in my day, it was about the power to choose what I wanted with only myself in mind. With a child depending on me for support, mentally and emotionally, I could no longer make decisions without considering their repercussions.
The whiskey went down easier than it should have as I pondered my life and my choices. My penthouse was perfectly designed, decorated, and kept up to match my lifestyle. There was nothing out of place and the rooms were exactly the same. Nothing in my life was built to accommodate a family, which had been done purposefully. I knew my responsibilities would not allow me that option for a long time. I had come to terms with that, building my existence around that irrefutable fact. Sure, I was lonely from time to time but in reality, I wanted that loneliness. I wanted an excuse to continue to push myself professionally, always believing that I would have control over when and if I ever decided to settle down. My father didn’t have that choice and he built his business with his family in tow. He was an extremely important part of my life and was the reason I turned out to be the man I am today.
Could Seth really grow up without a father in his life? I mean sure, he could, there were a million single mothers out there raising their children. But was that best for him? Casey had weathered all of this on her own, every late night, every tear, every financial dumping, and not once did she ever pick up the phone to ask for my help. Yesterday, I would have been angry about that fact but today I realized how strong of a woman she was and how hard that must have been for her to do. Beyond leaving Seth without a father, could I leave Casey to continue pushing through life without a partner? She may have taken it all on her own, but she shouldn’t have to. She should have someone else there weathering those same storms right beside her.
Casey was an incredibly brave woman. She took a secret and buried it deep down in her soul, not telling anyone but her own mother. What was shocking to me was that her mother acted like she had no idea that I was Seth’s father. It almost made me think Casey lied to her as well. Part of me wanted to know what story she built to allow herself the strength to keep going but I knew that it would only make me angrier and more bitter. It still blew my mind that she could have come to me for help at any turn but she was protecting her child so hard that she shouldered everything on her own. That fact alone sent twinges of guilt surging through my stomach. I could have been there for her and I should have been there. Had I not acted like such a rich playboy, she would have felt more comfortable coming to me with the news. I really didn’t know how I would have reacted five years ago but I could have at least made sure they were taken care of.
What would happen if I went back to start building a relationship with my son? Would Casey reject me? Would Seth reject me? If I had a relationship with that little boy, then I couldn’t do it without having one with his mother. She was an extraordinary woman who explemified what it meant to be a mother and a partner. Just the way she looked at me that night after the pumpkin patch proved to me that she was giving into her feelings and showing that she couldn’t help but think of me as her other half. And what did I do? I freaked out and left. No calls, no answers, nothing. I let my mind take over and my emotions run wild, pushing me away from two people who really needed me. At the time, they both really wanted me in their lives. But what about now? I had a hard time believing that, after
everything that happened and everything I said, she would take me into her life with open arms.
I put my empty whiskey glass down and wiped my hands with the warm towel. Everything was so confusing at this point that I didn’t even know how to take it all in. These were the times that I desperately wished my father was close. I wished we could sit here and talk about everything. But, I didn’t need him physically here to tell me what the right thing to do was. He would tell me that I needed to be there for my child and his mother. He would tell me that I made my bed and now it was time to lay in it. My father may have been a hard ass but he was a good man who knew what the definition of responsible really was. Still, sitting here all alone on the jet, I couldn’t help but wonder what my life would have been like had I known from the start. Casey would have been so happy to have me by her side. Seth and I would already have an amazing father-son relationship.
I took in a deep breath, unsure how to handle the emotions that were flowing through my head and chest. All my anger had finally dissipated and I was left with sadness, fear, and guilt. I was sad for missing out on so much time with my son. I felt terrible that I left Casey alone, giving her the impression that I would never want anything to do with a family. But most of all, I was scared. I was scared of not being the man my son needed, I was scared that I wouldn’t live up to my father’s expectations of me as a man. Most of all, I was terrified Casey wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. She obviously hadn’t moved on yet but that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t one day soon.
I pictured Casey in my mind, her beautiful smile radiating as another man walked her through the church, carrying Seth on his shoulders. Eventually, if I stayed away, she would meet another man, probably a really great guy like Brandon and he would take over the family that was meant to be mine. Just thinking about another man taking Casey’s hand and hugging Seth tightly made me feel sick to my stomach. This was the first time that I ever experienced any sort of jealousy and I realized my feelings for Casey went far beyond a strong lustful want. She was the mother of my child, the woman I pined over for five years, and the only person who had ever made me smile and laugh like no one was watching. Nothing else in the world compared to the feeling I had sitting across the table from her and Seth, enjoying Thanksgiving dinner together.
Broken: A Mountain Man's Romance Page 48