My Friend is an Alien (niklas and friends)

by Niklas Edlund

  Toben was studying it as closely as he could from the ground. "You might not have to. Reinforce the floor, attach a couple of anti-grav stabilizers — nothing really obvious. It'll still LOOK like a treehouse. I should be able to do it for you in less than a day. And the next time, it'd be able to put up with four of us bouncing around and tearing each other's clothes off — if that's what you want it to do."

  Davy's face turned a bit red again. "Well, yeah, I guess that's one purpose for it."

  The group started to walk back to the Caulfield residence. At one point Toben whispered a question to Jahv that Davy couldn't quite hear, and Jahv replied, almost as quietly, "Well, probably for the same reason ours do, but I think it'd be rude to ask about it." That made Toben giggle, and Davy wonder if they were talking about what he suspected they were talking about. He didn't have any time to speculate on it, though, because Keyro came running out of the house, looking more than a little panicked. "There you guys are! You'd better come see this news report right now!"

  The group dashed into the house. Keyro had set the transmission receiver on the dining room table. Arion was standing in front of the viewscreen, and looked as furious as any of the others had seen him since their return to Earth. "Why would the news be of any interest to us?" asked Toben.

  "Watch." said Keyro. "I've been watching the GalactiNet News — GNN. I've got it set up to translate into English."

  "That should be interesting." Toben had had to absorb the language from Jahv right after the destruction of his spacecraft, which had contained a translator field the same as the space station Garboris where he'd first met the others. It was an easy enough language as far as he was concerned, but a little silly-sounding in some respects.

  Most GNN broadcasts were aired in a sort of cobbled-together Standard that took aspects from about ten major languages in the galaxy, but the broadcast always contained a translation option for any sufficiently advanced receiving equipment. Certainly the equipment Toben had brought with him qualified, but it hadn't been set up for English, either. Toben's opinion of Keyro's apparent engineering skills went up a few notches.

  Anybody would've recognized this as a newscast. It showed an individual seated at a desk, with multiple computer graphics around him/her/it/whatever accentuating the news. The individual seated behind the desk was relatively humanoid, bright yellow, with five eye stalks coming out of the top of its head. "Repeating our top stories," said the translation, giving the voice a distinctly female tone, "Botaran fugitive Pol, son of Keis, etc., has been sentenced to fifty years imprisonment. Renegade Botaran Magistrate Varek has been sentenced to life imprisonment. The bulk of his crew will undergo re-education. However, before being taken away, in his final comments, Pol stated that he had captured the notorious runaways Jahv and Keyro, sons of disbarred techno-scientist Amshat, and that they were broken free by exiled Prince Arion of Korras, and another runaway Botaran youngster named Toben. Presumably the entire group is presently residing on a world listed as off-limits by galactic treaty. Its location remains classified by authorities."

  "That miserable, low-down, stinking piece of Botaran fr'zeez!" swore Arion. "Going to prison for the next five decades, but has to get his final shot in."

  "And the authorities WILL be interested." said Jahv. "They won't cut his sentence, but they will want to do something about it."

  "But guys — I mean — can they?" asked Davy. "Like the news said, this is an off-limits world. They'd have to break their own laws to come here!"

  "Hey, look!" cried Keyro. Attention returned to the newscast. Davy could almost see Jahv and Keyro turn paler versions of their normal skin colors. There were two adult Botarans on the screen. "Is that —?" began Davy, not sure if he could ask the question.

  "Our parents." said Jahv, very quietly.

  The man, Amshat, spoke. "We have asked the Governing Council for special dispensation to travel to this off-limits world ourselves, and bring our children to justice personally. We will be in touch with the family of this Toben youngster, to see if they want him retrieved as well. Our children will be brought in conformity to Botaran society. We will see justice done."

  "Yeah, and get your business license back, and your sense of honor." grumbled Jahv.

  "Do you think they'll get permission?" asked Davy.

  "Probably." said Jahv. "This is like trying to make good for your own misdeeds. By our society's standards, our parents are just as responsible for us running away as we are. If they can bring us back, it'll make them look good, and I'm sure that's all they really care about."

  The newscast continued, back to the original commentator. "In a separate statement, the Royal Family of Korras stated, 'Arion's departure from this world was part of an agreement to end hostilities between ourselves and the Soluans. If they cannot keep track of him, that is not our concern. We expect the Soluans to continue to live up to the end of their agreement, which only calls for the absence of the young Prince from his homeworld. As for Arion himself, we wish him well, wherever he is."

  "Looks like I'm off the hook, but what are we going to do about you guys?" asked Arion.

  "Still depends on them getting permission." said Toben.

  "The public statement of Amshat was recorded earlier," said the commentator, "and we have an update. The Governing Council has granted permission for Amshat and his wife, Tiri, to travel to this unnamed world in an attempt to retrieve their renegade children. We will update this story as events warrant…"

  Keyro shut off the news broadcast. "Great. That means they could get here anytime!"

  "It'll take them at least ten hours to prep the shuttle, five more to get here." said Jahv. "You know Dad — he does EVERYthing methodically."

  "Yeah, you're right." said Keyro. "That gives us until tomorrow morning."

  "To do what?" asked Davy. "Look, guys, you know where this is heading — right to that Procyon place you told us about. You don't want to go there! We beat this once, we can do it again!"

  Jahv shook his head. "Our capture by Pol and trial by Varek was a completely illegal operation. This isn't. It's a different matter entirely. I don't know how we can get out of this one."

  "I can't see as why they'd even want you back." said Toben. "I mean, no offense, but none of us are exactly typical Botarans. We just don't fit in."

  "They don't care if we fit on or not." said Keyro grimly. "They just want us back for the sake of their own reputations."

  Jahv was suddenly, inexplicably, smiling. "Toben — you just gave me an idea."

  "Huh?" exlaimed Toben. "I gave YOU an idea? It doesn't generally work that way. And what was the idea?"

  "An idea to get out of this entire mess." grinned Jahv. "But Davy, we'll need your help — and we'll need to talk to your parents, as well."

  The group tracked down Davy's parents, who had been elsewhere in the house, and explained the entire situation, and their plan. Jahv explained that it was likely to get a little messy, and possibly even a bit offensive to some people's sensibilities, but he felt it was really their only chance, and if it worked, would solve the problem permanently.

  "Anything you do can't possibly be as offensive as these people thinking it's all right to round up children and lock them away for trying to get away from such an unpleasant situation," said Mrs. Caulfield.

  "Kids, I'm behind you 100 % on this," said Mr. Caulfield. "But I hope you'll excuse me if I don't participate directly."

  "Not a problem, sir." said Jahv. "It'd be better if we handled this on our own as much as possible anyway."

  "I just thought of something," said Davy. "What's to keep them from just — transmatting you up to their ship or whatever?"

  Jahv shook his head. "Our parents are total sticklers for procedure. And there are procedures for everything, even something as extreme as this. And it includes a direct meeting with us to deliver the charges, and stuff like that. Mostly it's to gather evidence as much as anything, but they're not going to just grab us and run."
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  * * *

  It was a long and generally sleepless night for the children. Toben, Jahv, and Keyro took shifts preparing for the next day even as they kept watching GNN for further news details along with Davy. Sure enough, right about fifteen hours after the initial announcement, it was announced that Amshat and Tiri had taken off for the "unknown world" to retrieve their children about three hours prior. It was not long after dawn. The kids figured they had about two hours to get fully prepared.

  About an hour and a half later, Arion reported that he was detecting an incoming craft, visually cloaked, just having come out of hyperspace and heading for Earth orbit. Minutes later, near the Caulfield home, two adult Botarans appeared in the traditional burst of light and sound.

  The male stood roughly six feet tall (not counting antennae), had well-groomed white hair, orange skin, and was wearing a silver space suit. As was the female, who was a little over five and a half feet tall, also well-groomed, and had pale blue skin, even lighter than Toben's. His name was Amshat, hers was Tiri.

  "What does the Infopad say about this world again?" asked Amshat, in the static-like language native to Botarans.

  His wife pulled out a small device from a pouch on her belt. "Galactilogue Planet Tok-7826-Ceta. Native name: Earth. Native scientific name: Terra. One natural satellite. Third planet in a system of nine. Two massive gas giants, two lesser gas giants, five mineral-based worlds. Earth only one with significant life. Overall rating on planet and population is 3 on the Kozik scale."

  Amshat sniffed. "I'd say Kozik was being polite. What else?"

  "Primary lifeform bipedal humanoid." said Tiri. "Population 5.3 billion at last recording."

  "That's in keeping with the court report filed on Pol and Varek." said Amshat. "Any details?"

  "General characteristics of populace: aggressive, divisive, and easily confused. Multiple societal types and languages."

  "How odd." said Amshat. "Anything more?"

  "Nuclear power used for both energy source and weaponry. Limited space exploration capabilities. Manned expeditions to natural satellite. Curious downplay of space exploration since that time. Mostly robotic probes to other worlds. Manned expeditions limited to orbital missions."

  Amshat shook his head. "Idiots."

  "Am — what is that horrible smell?" asked Tiri.

  Amshat looked around, and finally focused on a field across from the Caulfield farm, with several cows contentedly grazing. "I think it's those creatures. Native animal life, domesticated for some purpose."

  "These beings live around animals?" remarked Tiri, shuddering at the concept.

  "See if the Infopad says anything about it." said Amshat. "I would be curious as to why our sons would willingly come to a world such as this."

  Tiri worked the device, then curled her lip in disgust. "According to this, the people of this world keep small animals for — companionship, and use larger ones as — sources of food."

  Amshat's eyes went wide and he looked at his wife. "How thoroughly repugnant. No wonder this planet is off-limits. The sooner we take care of our business here and quit this world the better. Scan for the children."

  Tiri pulled a second device out of the pouch. "I have them. Three Botarans. They're behind that building. Am, are we going to have to deal with the natives?"

  "Not if the boys are behind it, we're not." said Amshat. "I have no intention of addressing the locals in whatever grunts and squeaks pass for their language, let alone set foot in one of their primitive dwellings. These things look to be made of the same sort of material as the ground itself, and they don't seem especially stable. Now come on, let's get the boys."

  "All right, but Am — please — watch your temper."

  Amshat turned briefly towards his wife. "I always have, and look what it got us. Two runaway sons, loss of a business license, and public disgrace. Maybe it's time the boys saw something of my temper."

  Amshat and Tiri carefully walked around the side of the Caulfield home, not knowing that they were being watched by Morik, who was up in a nearby tree and thoroughly camouflaged by it. It helped that the only thing he was wearing, to keep himself fully camouflaged, was a sensor deflector which Toben had pulled out of one of the more intact equipment containers. The device also had a small commlink built in. "Get ready," he whispered. "They're coming around."

  Amshat and Tiri entered the backyard of the Caulfield home, to indeed find their sons sitting quietly on the porch. Their jaws nearly hit the floor, however, when they saw the condition of the boys.

  Jahv was wearing an open shirt with swirls of multiple colors in it that were enough to sear the eyeballs. He also was wearing bright purple shorts with an elastic waistband, and some sort of fabric and rubber footwear the likes of which the two adults had never seen. Keyro was wearing an ill-fitting long-sleeved shirt that was a painfully bright shade of green. This was also all he was wearing, and this was obvious given that he was not seated, but rather standing near a potted plant, shirt raised in the front, and peeing into the plant. Common nudity among Botaran children was one thing. Public relieving was another matter. Toben was outfitted in a sleeveless, tight-fitting shirt, bright pink in color, and baggy trousers of some rough-looking dark blue material. Both the shirt and trousers had multiple holes worn in them.

  All of this was alarming enough, but all three boys were liberally smeared with mud, but were not so covered with it that one could miss the fact that they were also thoroughly painted with a wide range of colors and symbols across their entire bodies. Amshat and Tiri both flinched when they realized the meaning of some of the symbols.

  "By the twin moons of the homeworld." said Amshat under his breath.

  "Hiya pop!" said Jahv, leaping over the back of one of the chairs and parking himself in it,legs spread out.

  "Hi, momster!" yelped Keyro, yanking the front of his shirt down and seating himself in Jahv's lap.

  "So you're these guys' oldsters, huh?" announced Toben. "Funny, I don't see much resemblance."

  "Am — what — I — " Tiri was as close to speechless as her husband had ever seen her. The two approached very warily.

  Jahv, however, was distinctly not speechless, as he chugged down at least half of a bottle of soda, and proceeded to cut loose with a belch that nearly knocked Amshat and Tiri out of their boots, and ruffled Keyro's hair.

  "Hey, good one, Jahvy!" proclaimed Toben, "but I can beat it." said Toben, raising one leg to set it on the table and breaking wind.

  "K'vat, Toben, what'd you eat to cause that!?" said Keyro, plugging his nose.

  "ENOUGH!" roared Amshat. "I can see what's going on here. Very good acting, boys, but not good enough. This is all a put-on to try to delay the inevitable. Somehow, you obviously knew we were coming, and are trying to convince us that you are so far gone that we'd be better off leaving you here, although why in the name of everything Botaran you would WANT to remain here I have no idea. Nor does it matter. We will follow procedure. I will read the charges against you, and then you WILL return to the ship with us and return to face justice, even if we have to lock you in cargo containers to do it!"

  "May I say just one — little — thing, before you proceed?" asked Jahv.

  "If you must." said Amshat.

  "You're gonna have to CATCH us first!" Like a shot, the three boys were on their feet and running off towards the woods.

  Amshat scowled. So did Tiri. "Am — can't we transmat them up?"

  "It's against procedure." said Amshat, shaking his head. "And I WILL teach these boys the value of procedure. But if they want to play games, so be it. Follow me. They need to be caught, we will catch them."

  "In there?" said Tiri, alarmed. "Am, it's some sort of massive native plant growth. There could be disease or animals or anything in there!"

  "The boys were not afraid to enter, and regardless of how they're acting, they're not idiots. Now come on, before we lose them."

  Toben, Jahv, and Keyro had actually slowed their runn
ing pace. "Do those two discuss EVERYthing in advance?" asked Toben.

  "Yes," said Jahv and Keyro simultaneously.

  The boys heard a rustling sound behind them. "Here they come," said Toben. "About darn time!"

  The boys continued to run, making sure to never quite lose sight of the adults. At the last moment, Toben broke off and ran to the right, as planned. "We'll catch him later!" he heard Amshat yell. "Focus on our own offspring."

  "Yeah, you just do that," said Toben, trying not to laugh as he headed for a very specific area.

  Jahv and Keyro reached the mud pool and ran across its most shallow point. They stood in the mud at the very far edge and waited for Amshat and Tiri to break through into the clearing. As expected, the two adults stopped in their tracks. "Do you think THIS will stop us?" yelled Amshat.

  "Seems to have done a pretty good job of it!" yelled Jahv.

  "Boys, be reasonable!" cried Tiri, although honestly, she was losing patience herself at this point.

  "Reasonable!?" yelled Keyro. "And do what? Spend the rest of our childhoods at the Procyon Institute?! No thanks!"

  "Now see here!" roared Amshat.

  And then Jahv and Keyro casually flipped their antennae backwards. This was the Botaran equivalent of raising the second finger, except it was about ten times more insulting. Tiri almost went white with shock and anger, and Amshat started to turn more red than orange. He started to run into the mud even as Jahv and Keyro darted further into the woods, but at the last second a rope shot out of the mud pool, caught around Amshat's legs, and sent the man sprawling into the mud.

  The rope had been pulled by Davy, who came leaping down from a tree, smeared with mud and paint, and wearing only a very shredded T-shirt tied around his waist, carrying a long, pointed stick in his hand. Davy let out a high-pitched shriek intended to resemble a war cry. It sounded more like Arion with indigestion, but the overall effect was not lost on the two adult Botarans, who were shocked at the sudden appearance of one of the natives, who were, if this was any example, a whole lot more primitive and dangerous than any of their probes had indicated.