Soulshift

by Arizona Tape

  Just the thought of doing that was bringing me out in a cold sweat. I hated the idea of breaking her heart. But then again, if I was able to think about Devon the way I was, then maybe things were already over between Sian and I. A pang of regret travelled through me. But that was all. Regret. No loss. No loneliness. No desperation to keep her. Which was sad. We'd shared so much together, and I did love her, just not enough.

  "You should go to temple," Marian said. I knew I was in Tate's body, but thinking the word 'Mother' around this woman just wasn't possible. But was that my take on her? Or was it something residual left over from Tate? Would I ever really know? Now there was a question.

  "Temple?" I asked, panic rising within me. I couldn't go to temple. I was a vampire. Vampires and temples didn't mix. Shit. Shit. Shit. How was I going to get out of this one?

  Maybe I should pretend to faint again, that seemed like a good way to get Devon's attention too. But no, I couldn't just faint any time I didn't want to face something. That wasn't the way a mature adult acted.

  Okay, so genuine reasons not to go to temple...hmmm...

  "Yes, temple, Tate. To beg the forgiveness you so desperately need from the ancestors." She almost spat the words, and I wondered what Tate had done to deserve her own mother's animosity. Or why her father wasn't chiming in. I could sense him in the room.

  "Ancestors?" I asked weakly. Where the hell had I ended up?

  "Of all that is-"

  "Marian," a man's deep, and somewhat tired voice chided. "The Ancestors wouldn't be pleased."

  "Sorry, Herald." Hmm. That was odd. Why was she speaking so formally to her own husband? Surely there should be some affection there. Or was this how those people were? All formality and stiffness. But no, Devon wasn't like that, and I was pretty sure he was the same kind as Tate and her parents. He must be. They didn't seem to be the kind of people who'd accept cross-species mating.

  Huh, there went my brain with the mating again. Maybe there was something in that? Maybe I wasn't supposed to have a One. Maybe I was supposed to be one of the odd people who did have a mate of a different species. That'd be just my luck. My parents wouldn't be happy if I took someone of a different type home. They'd had a hard enough time with me taking Sian home. Nothing to do with her being a woman, that was widely accepted in vampire society. My Mother had even told me about a same-sex relationship she'd had before she'd met my Father, and given the era they'd lived in, it could easily have ended with her being burned at the stake, or racked, or anything that involved a lot of pain.

  No. My parents problem with Sian was her bloodlines. She wasn't noble, she wasn't even middle class. If you asked me, it was all a load of codswallop anyway. It meant nothing to anyone but the older vampires. They were far too set in their ways.

  As were Tate's parents by the sound of it.

  "Tatiana, are you listening to me?" Marian's voice cut through me as she shrieked Tate's full name. It really was awful.

  "Sorry, I must have hit my head."

  Devon frowned at me. Oops, had he noticed that something wasn't quite right with me?

  "Always with the excuses." The other woman shook her head and I scowled, making Devon's frown deepen. Oh piss it. Clearly I wasn't reacting like Tate would, which was really no good at all. How would I convince them I was her, if I was failing at such small matters. Saying that, did I want to convince Devon? I wasn't so sure. There was more than a small part of me that wanted him to ask me if I was someone other than his fiancée. Not that he'd have anyway of knowing that was the question to ask.

  What a mess.

  "Erm...I..." I was lost for words apparently.

  Damn it, Ayra.

  Now wasn't the time. I was never at a loss for what to say around my own parents. Probably because they really didn't give a shit what I said or did. Great parenting there. I'd long ago promised that my own children would have a very different upbringing.

  "Just go to temple." Marian sighed, pushing a hand over her face and sighing in disappointment. Poor Tate. I wouldn't blame her if she wanted to stay in my body forever to escape this. I glanced at Devon from the corner of my eye. Hmm. Maybe that didn't sound all that bad.

  "I'll come with you," Devon said, his eyes softening towards me. No, towards Tate. This man had it bad. Really bad. And somehow, that made tears prick in the corner of my eyes. How could I ever live up to the woman he'd loved for years. It could even be a decade if the way Tate's parents were with him. Though that would have made Tate fourteen, maybe that was a little young.

  Unfortunately, there was no real way of me finding out, not without seeming like a complete idiot. Especially as I clearly hadn't banged my head this time. Which Devon must’ve know, given his earlier look.

  He rose to his feet, and I admired the way his legs looked as he did. And frowned again. He was dressed so formally, up to the point of wearing a crisp white shirt, though thankfully without a tie. Did he need to go to work after lunch? Or had he come straight from work? I wasn't sure. It didn't make any sense.

  Devon held out his hand, and I took it, tingles travelling down my arm as our skin connected. Was it my reaction? Or was it Tate's? I doubted this was the kind of thing I could just Google to find out. Or find a book about.

  I sighed. That meant I had to find out what was going on with Tate and I the hard way then.

  "I'll take Tate home after we've visited the temple. Thank you for having us," Devon answered formally, making a small bow in the direction of Tate's parents, and the young boy who'd stayed surprisingly silent throughout the entire exchange. The kid looked up from his plate, but instead of looking at me, he looked at Devon first.

  "Bye, Devon."

  "I'll see you later, little man." The affection in Devon's voice spoke volumes. The relationship there was incredibly different from that with Marian and Herald. That was good to know.

  The boy jumped to his feet and moved towards us, surprising me by wrapping his arms around my waist.

  "Bye, Tate." He was warm. As was his voice, and I felt a pang of envy. This was what I wanted from life. A family. Warmth. Love. And Tate had it. Maybe not with all of them, but with her brother at least. Maybe one day I'd get that with children of my own.

  "Bye," I responded, already panicking slightly by not knowing his name. Those name tags would come in useful here too. It really should be a rule: In case of body swapping, please wear.

  Devon placed a firm hand on my back, and I pulled away from Tate's brother. I might not know him, but I was still sad to leave him behind. He steered me towards the door, and I couldn’t say that I was sorry to leave. There was definitely too much tension in the room for my liking.

  It wasn't until Devon was opening the car door for me, I realised we weren't where he'd said we were going.

  "This isn't temple," I pointed out. Unless temple was away from the house. But somehow, I didn't think so.

  Wait, what kind of idiot was I?

  I couldn't go into a temple regardless. Why was I reminding him about it? There'd be a lot of questions to answer if my skin started to burn, or whatever it was happened to vampires when we entered holy ground.

  Actually...why didn't I know? That was just weird, surely?

  "You hate temple," he responded with a slight laugh.

  "I've never told you that." I pouted, before realising that was another thing I probably shouldn't have said. I was cocking up all over the place tonight it seemed.

  "You didn't have to, honey. I see it in your face every time your parents say the word."

  Oh. So she really did hate temple. Good for her. Who needed religion anyway? Lots of people really. I had nothing against it really. It even kind of made sense in an abstract way.

  At a loss for what else to say, I slipped into the car, noticing the high quality feel of the insides. Yes, they definitely had some money to their names. Or at least, access to it.

  We set off down the winding roads. So Tate's parents lived in the country. Then again, maybe Tat
e and Devon did too. I hadn't seen outside of their home yet. Well I had, but the zoo didn't count.

  I watched as the fields passed by the window. It was beautiful, so much better than the walled up world I lived in.

  If we did end up stuck in the wrong bodies, I could do far worse than living in such a beautiful place. Which is when the world began to dim, and a sharp pain, accompanied by darkness set in.

  Aww, damn. I didn't get to spend alone time with Devon this time.

  Chapter 10

  The pain faded, though it wasn't as bad as it had been before. Interesting. Maybe it would fade completely over time? But then, did I really want to be swapping constantly throughout my life? It would just lead to a whole host of issues.

  If I didn't know who I was going to spend my time with from day to day, then I didn't know how I was going to do all the things I wanted to with my life. Marriage, kids, my career...surely Tate would feel the same too. I didn't see how she couldn’t when she was with someone as amazing as Devon. And they were already engaged, so clearly the marriage thing was in the cards already.

  "Earth to Ayra," Sian sing-songed, waving a hand in front of my face.

  "Sorry, Sian." And I genuinely was. Though maybe I was more sorry about how I was feeling. I pushed the thought away, it wasn't the time to examine it.

  Sian reached out to touch my cheek, and without consciously thinking about it, I flinched away, guilt already assailing me over how Devon would feel if he knew. Devon who didn't even know I was different to Tate. Argh. What a mess. This whole thing was a mess.

  "Ayra?" She sounded heartbroken already, and I sighed. "What's going on?" Tears sparkled in her dark eyes and I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  "I need to talk to you," I whispered. I didn't really want to. But I needed to share this with someone. And that someone being Sian made sense. I knew Tate had been in my body at least twice while Sian had been there. Three times if I counted the weird dream-state like thing that I was sure was a body swap.

  "Alright, but let's go inside, I need to take my shoes off." She gave a weak smile, and I could see how much it was hurting her. I bit my lip, hoping to chase away the tears that were threatening to form in my own eyes.

  I rubbed my hand across them, a smear of black make-up staining my skin. Ah fuck. I'd forgotten I was wearing the stupid Gothic get up. I should get it off before talking to Sian. She'd never take me seriously otherwise.

  Then again, maybe I was just trying to stall the awkward conversation I knew we had to have.

  I fished in the pocket hidden in my skirt, and pulled out my flat key. That, and my debit card, were the only things I'd taken with me today. I didn't need anything else when I was with Marcus anyway. Sian had his number if she needed it, and no one else actually mattered. I could get back to them after I got home.

  Oh no. I'd missed the festival.

  Well that sucked. I'd been looking forward to that ever since the one last year.

  I slipped the key into the latch, trying to refocus my mind on what it should be. Sian, basically. And the very awkward conversation we were going to have.

  "I just need to wipe my face," I muttered, already making my way towards the bathroom. I was pretty sure I left a sleep shirt in there earlier too. I could swap my corset and actually get comfortable. Hmm, that was annoying. I'd been wearing Tate's comfortable, but smart, sweater and jeans all afternoon, I shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable from her wearing my corset. It was like all the pain with none of the fun.

  I emerged a few moments later with a clear face and much comfier boobs. That was a start then. Sian was already sat on our faded blue sofa, and I made my way over to sit beside her, but I didn't touch.

  "You wanted to talk?" she asked after a moment. Her voice cracked. Yep. I somehow doubted we were going for dinner tonight after all.

  "I think I've been leaving my body," I blurted out.

  Sian laughed bitterly. "What?"

  "I've been half-living someone else's life, and I'm pretty sure she's been half-living mine."

  Sian sat there in silence for a few moments, and I worried the bottom of my shirt.

  "While we were having the picnic?" she asked tentatively.

  "Yes," I responded, surprised. That was...unexpected. I'd kind of thought she'd take longer to convince.

  "And when we were drinking blood." She sounded more certain this time. I flinched at the thought. Eurgh. Blood.

  "Yes. And today."

  "Huh."

  We sat in silence, each moment pregnant with something, though I couldn't work out what.

  "Say something, please?" I begged. I couldn't take the waiting. The not knowing how she was feeling. I didn't want to break her heart, but what I was doing now wasn't fair to anyone involved. If I carried on, the guilt would eat me alive.

  "What does it mean? For us?"

  "I don't know, how do you feel when I'm Tate? Or Tate is me? I don't know, how does this even work?" I was rambling.

  Way to go, Ayra.

  "Tate?"

  Hmm. I wasn’t sure I liked how she said the other woman's name. The slight lift at the end, and the hint of a smile on her lips telling me far more than any words could.

  "Yes, that's the name. The woman I've been swapping with."

  "Oh. She seems nice."

  Oh Sian. You're as gone as I am over Devon, aren't you?

  A little part of me was sad that she could feel that way, but a bigger part was relieved. It was like knowing I was right all along.

  "I see," I said instead, trying to buy myself a little bit of time to think. "I don't think I can carry on." The words came out far softer than I intended, but Sian nodded anyway.

  "I understand." She sounded sad, and I longed to reach out and touch her, but didn't. It wasn't the time. And by the end of this conversation, it wasn't going to be my place to comfort her any more either. Oh, that thought wasn't a good one.

  "I don't want to lose you from my life." I believed the words. I really did, and the nodding from Sian told me she felt the same.

  "Maybe we were always meant to be friends."

  "Maybe," I mused. "Things with Devon feel—”

  "Just that bit more right," she finished. "That's the way it feels when you're Tate. Or Tate's you."

  I nodded, tears still threatening. Devon might feel more right, but I'd still been with Sian for four years. She was the first person to break down my walls and make me love. She was the person I'd first moved in with. The first, and only, person I'd slept with.

  She'd been my everything for four years, and now she wasn't. My brain wasn't too sure how to process that.

  "Do you want to see Tate again?" I asked, trying to think everything through. There was no rhythm or reason for our swaps, or at least not that I could tell, which meant my body needed to be in the same place as Sian if she did.

  "Yes," she admitted reluctantly.

  "Can we live together and not..."

  "Yes, I believe so." She reached out for my hand and gave it a squeeze. "I want us to be friends, Ayra. I do care for you. I do love you. But the way I feel when Tate's around..." She looked away, but not quickly enough to hide the guilt in her eyes. At least she was as cut up as I was about this.

  "It's not the same," I supplied. "But I want to be friends too." I squeezed her hand back.

  "So what do we do now?" she asked, looking a little dejected.

  "I'll make up the bed-settee." I rose to my feet, hurrying over to the airing cupboard to pull out the spare sheets.

  "I'm sorry, Ayra."

  "Me too, Sian. Me too."

  Chapter 11

  Something hard poked into my ass, and I pressed myself back into him, the sea breeze smell filling my senses and making the want even more. A warm hand pressed into my stomach, and pulled me back towards into him.

  Hmm. I could get used to this.

  Soft kisses fluttered across my neck and I groaned, unable to help myself. This was what'd been missing from my relations
hip with Sian. Not the morning wake up per say, but the fact that the other person was taking the initiative. They wanted me as much as I wanted them. It's all I'd ever wanted from Sian anyway. She'd reciprocated. Happily so. But not like this.

  I lifted my hand and grabbed on to his hair, pushing his mouth into my skin. Yes, just like that. His hand slipped lower.

  Yes, just a little bit further, Devon. Please. I whimpered.

  Oh, it'd never been like this before. I'd never been with a man before.

  Shit. I'd never been with a man before.

  I froze, which Devon must have sensed because he sighed and rolled onto his back. Oops, that wasn't the reaction I'd intended for. There were so many ways that could have gone and I'd had to ruin it by freezing. Stupid Ayra.

  Then again, should I be sleeping with Devon while he didn't know I was me? If he thought I was Tate, then didn't that mean that technically I was helping him cheat. Or making him cheat.

  Oh no. Why did I have to think that? What did I do now? Other than the connection I felt to him, I hardly knew him, and certainly not as well as I knew Sian. So basically, I had no idea how he'd react to me casually announcing I was masquerading in his fiancée's body.

  Maybe I needed to reach out to Tate? Try and convince her to come clean to Devon? It seemed to have worked between Sian and me after all. But then, how would I do that. No matter how hard I tried, I'd never been able to remember my phone number.

  Yes, pathetic.

  I wasn't even sure why I struggled so much with numbers. But it just escaped me. So calling was out. Hmm. Email? That would all depend if I could find something to write it with.

  Which pretty much meant leaving her a note. Though I wouldn't be able to guarantee she'd get it, or if she'd listen.

  Damn it, I really should have googled. Someone must have had a situation like this before, right? Tate and I couldn't be the only people in the world to be switching bodies with each other? Or were our bodies swapping souls? How should I know really. This whole thing was beyond bizarre.