Playing the Field

by Foster, Zoe

  He sighed. ‘Sorry, sorry. Just trying to normalise things.’

  As we waited to cross the street, I looked at him standing there, trying his best to play it tough when I knew that inside he surely had to be just as unsettled as I was.

  ‘Oh! I made you something.’ Cam thrust the tray at me and pulled out a CD in a plastic sleeve from his back pocket. He held it out, smiling, proud as punch.

  ‘What’s this?’ I said, a bemused look on my face.

  In all the time I’d known him, Cam had always promised me this mix and that compilation, but had never actually delivered. Now, I tried to hide my astonishment and be gracious.

  ‘I made it for you this morning when I got home. Just, y’know, some nice music that I think you’d like. Some Cinematic Orchestra, some Sweetback, some of the less suicidal Bon Iver stuff … ’

  I held the CD in my hand, smiling so hard it hurt my cheeks, enjoying every second of how vulnerable and shy the King of Smartarse had suddenly become.

  ‘Uh, Cam? This is a mixtape. You made me a mixtape?’

  ‘First of all, it’s obviously a mixCD, not a mixtape, and second, it’s not like I, you know, sat there thinking of your eyes and your hair and your lips and your smile and how amazing last night was when I was making it or anything …’

  There were no cars blocking us from crossing the street, but we stood rooted to our spot. He looked at me, hands jammed in his pockets, waiting for my reaction. Despite having had less than four minutes’ sleep, he was still very handsome. His big brown eyes were a little rough around the rims, but the feeling behind them was luminescent.

  I stood there looking at him, amazed and flattered that he was both so thoughtful and so honest about his feelings. My heart was having a severe identity crisis. Until yesterday, its papers were signed by one Josh Fox. Now, within the space of twelve hours, a yellow Post-it had been stuck over Josh’s name, with one suggestive little word: Cam?

  I thought about all the times Col and Ingrid had said that Cam and I were the perfect grotty little couple, and all the times I’d rejected the notion, saying he was more like a brother or a best mate – we had too much fun together for it ever to be romantic. But maybe that was the whole point – relationships were meant to be fun.

  I smiled at him. ‘Thanks, Cam. That’s very special. No one has ever made me a mixCD before. Thank you.’

  ‘The last track is a secret track, but you’ll understand why I put it on there when you hear it.’

  He reached out and plucked his coffee from the tray, leaving my chai unbalanced and alone. How fitting.

  ‘So, lunch? Maybe?’

  ‘Cam, I … I don’t know. I’ve got to see Josh at some point …’

  I looked down as I said Josh’s name.

  ‘Of course. Maybe just call Tess instead of calling him direct.’

  ‘Not funny, Cam.’

  He started walking across the road, smiling cheekily back at me. I followed him, walking slowly, wondering why the idea of Tess and Josh still seared through me, even with all of these new Cam developments. Bit rich, really. I needed to see Josh. I needed to see him and I needed to sort this out once and for all. It wasn’t fair for me to do this to him.

  My phone buzzed. Ohmygod. It was going to be Josh. And it was going to be A Sign. I pulled out my phone and looked at the text.

  It was Col.

  Home 2night? We need 2 talk.

  Well, she sounded to be in a terrific mood. There’d almost definitely be cupcakes and balloons awaiting my arrival … Pah, I’d write back to her later; I had some thinking to do.

  ROUND 51

  Mixtapes vs Mix-ups

  I dropped my keys again. Stooping to pick them up, I realised I was stomach-turningly, three-swallows-per-second nervous. I was terrified Josh would be able to tell I had kissed another man, that there would be something different about me somehow. I’d felt the same way when I’d faced Mum the morning after I’d lost my virginity; I was convinced she’d be able to tell just by looking at me.

  I reasoned for the zillionth time that the Tess stuff was the bigger issue here and that, really, this talk was going to happen anyway. Whether or not I’d sucked face with Cam in the back of a cab. And then accidentally started feeling things for him that were entirely foreign and really, really strange. Especially when the secret song on his mixtape was ‘Hold You In My Arms’ by Ray LaMontagne. He knew how much I loved that song.

  I shook the thoughts of Cam out of my head. They were inappropriate. I was here to speak to my boyfriend, who I loved; after all, it was only days ago that I was in tears over his conduct with his ex-girlfriend.

  I knocked gently on his door. I had to go to his place because he was waiting for a delivery of some computer software or something, he said. It was far from neutral territory, but I was hardly in a position to start throwing my weight around; I’d done enough of that in the cab last night. Josh opened the door and it was as though I was seeing a long-lost friend. At once, the tears I didn’t even know I was holding in gushed forth.

  ‘Oh, Jeanie, baby, come here.’

  He came out onto the step and embraced me in a heart-warming, soul-melting hug, pulling me in tight, letting me cry and sob and sniff without saying a word, just holding me and stroking the hair that snaked down my back. Finally, I wiped my nose and eyes and pulled away. He looked a little perplexed, unsure of what had just happened but more than willing to try to understand. He was all big blue eyes and concern and comfort.

  ‘Shall we go inside?’

  I nodded, wiping my eyes and sniffing every two seconds. He would have no idea why I was so upset. The last time he had seen me I was crying, sure, but they were angry, banging-head-against-the-wall tears caused by rage at Tess and his lying about her. These were obviously another brand of salty eye water.

  I walked into his living room and sat down on the sofa.

  ‘Would you like a tea? White with half, right?’

  I nodded and smiled. ‘Yes, please.’ I loved that he took the trouble to remember little things like that. I looked around the apartment. It smelled of artificial lemons – the kind that are mixed in with skin-burning chemical agents – and, as usual, was clean and tidy. How was it that Josh and Cam were the same age, and that I got along with each of them so well, and yet they were polar opposites?

  I wondered what would come of today’s talk. I was feeling confused as to what outcome I wanted. Had my mind been clouded by Cam’s eleventh-hour affections, or did I genuinely want to break up with Josh? And would it be fair to break up with Josh, citing Tess as the problem, when clearly Cam revealing his feelings to me, and me revealing my tonsils to Cam, had a role to play too? In fact, confused was a gross understatement.

  I tried to transport my head back to when I’d left this apartment a few days ago, to capture those feelings, but all I felt was guilt. When I thought of Tess and her twisted plans, some of the feeling came back, but not enough to make me remember how to conduct – or even to open – this conversation. I decided Josh could get the ball rolling. Ironically, he thought he was the wrongdoer in the room, and I could sense he had prepared for quite A Talk.

  Finally done making the tea, he came over and sat in the lounge chair to my right, placing both mugs neatly on coasters on the coffee table.

  ‘So, um, how’s work?’

  ‘Fine, fine,’ I said, a little too quickly.

  He exhaled, positioning himself so that he completely faced me: legs, arms, head, everything.

  ‘Jean, I want to apologise again. Thinking back, I see how many times Tess upset you during our time together, and I see now that I wasn’t nearly the boyfriend I should’ve been. I should’ve been telling her to stay away from you. I should have been protecting you. But I didn’t. I let you down. Everything I love about you – all of the things that make you so great, so real – Tess started to destroy. This whole stupid football world has started to change who you are, through no fault of your own, and that is the last th
ing, the last thing, I want.’

  He looked at me, eyes searching for some kind of response, but I could offer none. I needed to see where he was going with this before I said anything.

  ‘And … just back on Tess again for a moment. Well, if I’m completely honest, I guess on some level I was protecting myself from Tess’s father, because I know what he’s like, and what she is capable of making him do, and, you know, I was hoping they might re-sign me, so I didn’t want to rock the boat … And look, Jean, I … I have to come clean, I have to.’ He took in a huge breath, shaking his head as he did. I was rooted to my chair, mind tripping over itself trying to imagine what he might say next. ‘I … well, you may know that in the past Tess and I were on and off, always putting each other through hell, and, well, I was largely responsible for that. I wasn’t a saint and I did a lot of things I regret. I’ve changed now – you’ve made me want to be a good man, a better man, but I am to blame for why Tess is the way she is. Well, partly to blame, anyway; she was always a bit … unstable. But I guess on some level I felt that breaking up with her was unfair, in the sense that I had done some things that were unfair, and made her insecure and extremely territorial. And, of course, meeting you, which was completely unexpected, just compounded how bad I felt leaving her. So, I kind of … you could say I maintained some form of friendship with her, if only to lessen the guilt I felt about what I’d done.’ His head was hanging low, but he lifted his eyes to peer cautiously into mine. He was clearly terrified of my reaction.

  My eyes instantly pooled with more liquid. It was true; Tess wasn’t lying. She was crazy, but she wasn’t a liar. All this time he had been in contact with her, fuelling her mad thoughts of them getting back together … Hang on, were they mad thoughts?

  ‘Did … did you do that with the thought that maybe you two would get back together?’

  He shook his head, exhaling a seemingly inexhaustible supply of air.

  ‘Jesus, no. Jean, I love you. I have no wish to be back with Tess. What I have with her is more like … being a carer. She needs help, she really does, and I didn’t want her doing anything stupid, largely – selfishly – because I felt I might be to blame. So I didn’t shut her out of my life.’

  I gulped. Everything he said was so heartfelt, so honest, so hard to dispute. I didn’t like that they were still in touch, but I believed him when he said there was nothing going on that I needed to worry about. I actually felt sorry for Tess more than anything. Because whether he knew it or not, Josh was still dangling a carrot in front of her by being her friend, or ‘carer’, or whatever he wanted to label it.

  ‘Jean?’

  I sniffed, picking up my tea and warming my hands with it.

  ‘I understand, Josh. I can see why you did it.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘No and.’

  ‘No and?’

  ‘Well, I mean, you lied to me about the extent of your contact.’ As I said these words, a small guilt bomb marked ‘Cam’ exploded in my head, forcing me to change tack. ‘But I trust you, and there’s nothing really else to say.’

  ‘Hang on, so what are you saying?’

  I sipped the tea. It was scalding hot and I recoiled. Josh leaned over and gently took the mug from me, placing it back on the table. I had no idea what to do next. My own guilt was making it impossible for me to breathe, let alone be legitimately angry with him, even though Tess hadn’t been lying when she’d bullied me all those times, and I felt like a fool for believing Josh. I looked at him now. He couldn’t be sitting any closer if he tried, despite being on another piece of furniture. I took a deep breath.

  ‘Josh, I think I need some space to think about all this.’

  There. I hadn’t lied, I had just omitted. And he would have to understand, after what he’d just told me, that I would need some space. I had a head full of directions and no map.

  To my surprise, he let out a massive sigh of relief and grinned.

  ‘Space? Space I can do. Oh, Jeanie, I was so sure you were going to call it all off. I was convinced, and I was so hoping you would be understanding, even though I know I did wrong. But there was no cruelty or deceit intended, and there is absolutely nothing going on with Tess and me. I couldn’t be less attracted to her. That’s over – no more. She’s gone. It’s you, Jean. All you from now on. And you have some space, by all means. But, just so we’re clear, y’know, I don’t need any. I’ll just wait until you’re ready.’

  I blinked a few times, trying to comprehend what had just happened. He was totally cool with a break, and I would just call him when I was ready? This was unprecedented. I felt worse with everything he said. It was as though he knew I’d done something wrong and was now ensuring he did everything in his power to be the World’s Best Boyfriend. (Now comes with English Breakfast Tea-making skills!)

  This was crazy. I had to get out of here. The world had flipped upside down.

  ROUND 52

  Infatuation vs Deception

  As Ingrid seemed to have forgotten she actually owned a shop, I’d taken the liberty of setting up my jewellery stand without her approval. I decided to just see what she said next time she came in, which, judging by current patterns, would be sometime around the third millennium.

  I knew what she’d been doing, of course: faffing about with Justin. It was hard for me to understand how such a successful, together woman could just lose herself in a relationship like this, especially when he was still dicking her around with the whole ‘I’ll get divorced soon, baby’ line. And yet there she was, going away to Melbourne with him on his business trips, staying in hotels with him, coming into the shop later and later, and taking long lunches. If she were my employee and not my boss, I’d fire her arse.

  Grateful for the distraction from a head full of Josh and Cam, I had spent last night creating a jewellery stand. It was made from thin gold and silver wire, and was cross-hatched with collapsible support on both sides of the base. I’d come up with a ‘logo’ from my name, which I’d had printed onto black, in gold type. It was small, subtle, lower-case, discreet. I was very happy with it. At least something in my life was working right now, I thought.

  I couldn’t wait for a customer to see my designs, but as the rain was coming down on a diagonal slant, I’d be waiting a while. I thought of going next door to get Cam and show him, but I was uneasy at the thought of seeing him again. Instead, I sat down at the counter and rested my head in my hand. Whether anything came of that kiss or not, things would never be the same between us again. Just the idea of him made my insides go a little woozy, as though my arteries and veins had given up on blood and oxygen, and started carting around rum instead. I was nervous about what the universe had in store for me; clearly she had an entirely perverted sense of humour.

  I heard my phone chime in with a text message. I wondered if it might be Josh, even though he’d assured me yesterday that he wouldn’t contact me and would wait for me to make the first move … and here I was with a gooey little smile, listening to a mixtape made by Cam.

  When I got out my phone, there were two animated envelopes awaiting me; the first was from Cam.

  Stop thinking about me so much, I can hear it from in here.

  I broke into a huge smile. God, he knew all the right things to do and say, didn’t he? Little shit.

  The second message was from a number I didn’t recognise.

  Hun, call me asap when u get this. Morg xo

  My hands flew to my mouth and I gasped. Shit! I just remembered that I’d seen her and Phil the Pig the night I was with Cam! When I was drunk and falling all over a guy who wasn’t my boyfriend. Uh-oh. And Phil and Josh were quite tight, too. Oh, shit. And here I was thinking my filthy little indiscretion would be safely tucked inside the cab driver’s shirt pocket, never to be released.

  I looked around: no customers, no sign of Ingrid. I dialled Morgan’s number.

  ‘All Year Tan, this is Morgan. HowmayIhelpyooo?’

  ‘Hey, Morgan. It’s Jean.
’

  ‘Jean! Oh my God, have I got some goss for you. Wait a tick, hun.’

  I heard her muffle the phone receiver and talk a customer through the pre-spray-tanning requirements before coming back to our conversation.

  ‘So, how did you pull up yesterday? You were pretty smashed Thursday night, darl, weren’t you?’

  I tried to giggle with her, but was too curious and scared to make a good go of it.

  ‘Hahaha, yeah. I’ve felt better, that’s for sure …’

  ‘So anyway, get this. Phil was doing his nut over that guy you were with when we ran into you, right, as in like, where he knew him from? But he figured it out and you’ll never guess!’

  I gulped. Please let her say he knows him from the shop.

  ‘He’s that guy Tess has been seeing!’

  I blinked, as though lubricating my eyes would help me to understand what Morgan had just said.

  ‘I mean, you know Tess and I fell out but, God, I can’t seem to avoid the silly cow. Anyway, so yeah, Phil has met him with Tess once before, at some cafe down at St Marks, and then I think I saw them at that club where her sister works, the Nursery? Back when we were still friends and she didn’t carve me up to other people behind my back. Can you believe she was actually telling people we dilute our lotion? I mean, everyone knows Summer Tan are the ones who dilute. Honestly, I don’t know how Melinda is still friends with her… ’

  I wished my brain had a record button. I needed to hear that again. And again. And again. Because it wasn’t making sense. None of it made sense.

  ‘Anyway, thought you should know, ’cos I didn’t know if you knew, and I know the troubles you’re having with Tess and the whole Josh thing – well, everyone does, but that’s the Bulls for you, no one’s business is private. Speaking of which, Melinda and Ryan are, like, so over, and apparently Cassie and Camel are too, since Melinda went and told Camel that his baby was actually not even his, even though she doesn’t have any proof whatsoever, which I think is a bitchy move if ever there was one, but she swears it’s true, and I guess if you look at Flynn, you can kind of see —’