Sweet Nothings

by Daria Doshrelli

  Tad’s eyes landed on Claire and he took back every conclusion he had just drawn about true love’s song. It must be because Nadie was a woman. Yes, that was it. Claire didn’t have a romantic thread in her being and yet she had also managed to break the siren’s spell over him. Clearly her—he couldn’t exactly call it femininity. Those eyes of hers were studying the trees again. Women were immune to sirens, and their voice countered the siren’s voice, and that was all it was. He decided to think about something else.

  “Why did the siren wait so long to start singing, I wonder?” Tad asked himself, though he spoke out loud.

  “Well, her victim did walk right up to her, perfectly willing to let her devour him,” Claire said.

  “Or maybe the princess fought back,” Tad replied. That would be very romantic.

  Claire gave him one of her looks. “Highly improbable.”

  “True love has nothing to do with probabilities,” was his reply. “And that means you need to get back to work finding a way to separate the two. The princess is clearly bound to the siren and when her true love approached, she tried to break free but could not.”

  Avery stretched his clawed-up neck this way and that. “All I know is, she’s perfect.”

  “You were under her spell,” Claire said.

  “True love’s pull,” Tad answered.

  “And yet his kiss did not break her curse,” Claire shot back.

  Tad and Claire stared each other down. One of these days he was going to win an argument with her.

  “So I take it you really are Lady Love’s servant?”

  Nadie’s question was directed at Tad, which gave him a respectable excuse to lose the staring competition with Claire. “I am.”

  “She’s perfect,” Nadie said, mimicking her brother. Her rosy cheeks glowed with amusement. “I always thought you’d fall for a mergirl, but this isn’t too far off.”

  “The captain’s in love?” Iakapov said.

  Diddle screwed up his face. “With a siren?”

  Silence descended over the group as the men exchanged looks. Hoops and haws rang out. Slaps on the back ensued for Avery, whose face took on a blank expression.

  “You did say you’d never fall in love,” Grimtrunkle said.

  “Sailing the seas looking for loot?” Nadie’s cheeky look had Avery scowling. “I never bought it for a moment. No murders, no real pirating at all, just a bunch of cons. Have you been looking for your true love all these years?”

  The pirates laughed as Avery’s face paled. Prince Henry observed him studiously.

  Tad pruned up his lips at the hoots and howls. There was nothing at all absurd or unusual about sailing around the world in search of true love. But he couldn’t expect a band of rogues to understand that. Or Claire.

  Claire gave Avery a dubious look. The crew continued to make jabs at their captain’s expense while he crossed his arms and looked straight ahead, refusing to confirm, deny or even acknowledge the amusement of the situation.

  But the one called Grimtrunkle was staring at Tad. “Lady Love’s servant, eh? Then that means Prince Henry and Nadie...”

  Nadie’s smile transformed from amused to contemplative to glowing.

  A rush of crimson flooded Avery’s face. “Now you listen here, little sis. Just because I went and got myself a siren doesn’t mean…”

  And just like that siblings began squabbling again. Worse than the pigeons, and Tad wasn’t going to stand there all day trying to reason with them. Claire had disappeared.

  What a disaster. Not that Claire being gone was any loss, but Avery had kissed the princess and she was still a fiend. And Avery was clearly not a murderer, despite the rumors Claire had repeated. Just when the pirate captain was beginning to show a little promise as a true love. What had gone wrong?

  Avery and Nadie’s argument over who was going to keep the other from being carried off or devoured by their true love was enough to set Tad’s nerves on edge. Enough of other peoples’ happily ever afters, he decided. It was time he got back to working on his own.

  He magicked himself to the beach on the other side of the island, as far away from pirates and princesses as possible. His boots squished into the sand as he strolled, hands in his pockets, listening to the tide swish and gurgle along the rocky shore.

  The sparkles in the waters on the other side of the island must have been the lost treasure. Probably he would have to get the pigeons to help haul it back to Lumares. If he managed to solve this case.

  He saw the gloom of his thoughts. That would never do. Nan had said that to succeed at this avenger business his vision had to get brighter and brighter. He needed to focus on Roselle, the one pristine part of his new life as the Lady’s slave. And that meant finding her a gift.

  The Lumares treasure was out of the question. As Prince Henry had said, Princess Arabella’s people needed it. Besides all that, Roselle demanded something special, something unique. Tad’s gaze roamed the rock and sand and found more rock and more sand, nothing fit for a queen. He knew what he had to do.

  One deep breath later he was leaping and bounding through the bowels of island, magicking himself here and there in search of a treasure that would dazzle and amaze. His hand reached for a yellow flower shaped like a bell that made a tinkling sound as he approached. The flower hissed and snapped at his finger.

  Roselle wasn’t impressed with magic flowers, anyway.

  A mountain of glittering gems turned out to be the shell of a turtle the size of Tad’s cottage. The turtle’s huge single eye blinked lazily at him just before its stubby foot tried to stomp him into the ground.

  Now that he thought about it, gems weren’t all that romantic.

  The red mushroom with white dots he found on a sunny slope looked promising. He leaned over and sniffed at it. A little winged man glared at him from beneath its bulbous top. Some sort of pixie, maybe, napping in this shady spot.

  Roselle would not wish for a gift infested with vermin.

  Tad winked himself to the same beach as before and flung himself down onto the sand. Despair. Moments later he was back on his feet as a horde of eyes glowed from within a hole in the ground next to his left hand. The things that creeped out of the hole had a long, centipede-like frame and giant pinchers that tried to take hunks out of his boots.

  He kicked the things away and brushed himself off. A whole magical island and not one decent gift?

  The treetops waved at him and it was in a chance gust of salty wind that a gleam caught his eye. Just behind the palms that lined the shore a cluster of leafy vegetation huddled. Tad’s feet dragged as he made his way toward the tees. Probably another disappointment.

  As he drew near he spied a lofty branch with a pile of purple and green fruit hanging just overhead. He magicked himself onto the thick, scratchy branch that threatened to rip his pants.

  He knew he shouldn’t. The tree itself might be a ravenous beast. But it was so sweet-smelling. So shiny.

  Slowly he reached up, took hold of a succulent orb, pulled it very gently from its stem and brought it to his lips. His eyeballs swiveled to the right, then to the left. Nobody was watching. He stuck out his tongue and pressed it against the soft, smooth skin.

  Sweet as honey.

  Tad squeezed it with his forefinger and thumb. A nice thick, bouncy texture assured him that it might not explode as long as he didn’t squish it too hard.

  He slipped the fruit into his trouser pocket and reached for another. Probably Roselle would enjoy a basket of these just as they were but he had better gather as many as he could for making tarts and such. If only he had worn the vest that Claire had condemned he would have much more room to store his treasure. He would just have to come back for more.

  Moisture formed on his brow. Grunts came up from his throat as he stretched his neck and grasped higher and higher in the leafy boughs. His eyes couldn’t decide which pods to pick and his hands did not want to stop plucking them until his fists were full of the walnut-sized
fruits. And his pants seemed to have grown a few sizes as well. He stuffed and stuffed his pockets but they were never full.

  At last the branch overhead was empty and he felt his pockets to see how they bulged.

  There was no bulge at all. Not one. His hand patted around where he knew he had put the objects of his labor. He poked a finger in each pocket and whirled it around.

  Nothing.

  A look at the ground beneath him confirmed the missing fruit had not tumbled away. Maybe this was magical fruit that could not be removed from its place. But why would such a thing even bother to grow?

  Then he felt it—a hand in his left trouser pocket.

  He slapped away a warm, hairy finger and shuddered at the contact. His gaze moved to his right and found two bulbous, brown eyes set in a round face with oversized lips. Purple and green morsels sloshes around inside the mouth that owned the horse lips. Four arms or legs—Tad couldn’t decide which—dangled loosely from its torso.

  Tad frowned at the thief that was swinging upside-down by two sets of four toes that looked like fingers, its entire body covered in stringy brown hair except for its face, which bore a thick bald skin. What a hideous creature.

  The beast blew a raspberry at him.

  “Why you…” Tad drew in a breath to calm himself. No, he would not hold a conversation with this being. He would easily outsmart it.

  Just then it cackled at him and issued a string of oo-oo’s, ee-ee’s, ack-ack’s and other incomprehensible nothings.

  Tad gave the creature a look to inform it he was not impressed.

  The thing blew kisses at him with its blubbery lips.

  Shadows cast themselves over Tad as he sat there trying to decide how to deal with the bandit. More hairy, brown things swung in from nearby trees. They perched all around and stared at him.

  And the chase began. Tad magicked himself from branch to branch, tree to tree in a frantic scramble for more fruit. Just as he plucked a few pieces, hordes of beasts swooped in and made him drop or squish what he had. He snatched and stuffed, snatched and stuffed. He even tried stuffing his mouth, but a hairy hand stole the fruit from his smooth one just as his lips yawned open. Greedy fingers extracted the meager contents of his pockets.

  A giant, cone-headed serpent guarded one cluster, which Tad discovered just before becoming dinner. None of the hair things had followed him that time. At last he managed to seize two handfuls of fruit and magic himself back to the beach.

  Tad was smiling in triumph over the tree full of screeching hairy beasts when a clacking sound reached his ears. Then a second and a third until the clacking reached a terrifying clatter. He spun around to see the creeping centipede things with bright orange claws clamoring his way. They chased him down the beach until he gathered his wits and magicked himself and the contents of his pockets out of the Aeorus and into the library.

  His feet touched down and his ears met with screeching and squawking.

  Chapter 12

  The disgusting noise echoing through the library was unmistakably the pigeons laughing at something or other.

  Tad found them watching the globe with their little bird backs to him as he approached. Claire must have forgotten to shut it off. There the hairy beasts that had stolen his fruit sat in their trees picking at each other’s backs and putting whatever it was they extracted into their mouths. The image shifted to the beach where Tad saw himself scampering along with a horde of creeping things with claws after him. Sev, Pip, and Nan were just recovering from peals of laughter.

  “Having a good time?” Tad asked.

  “Not as much as you,” Sev said.

  He and Pip burst into fresh howls.

  A mass of honey-colored hair bobbed into view.

  “I suppose you thought it very funny to spy on me,” Tad said.

  “You flatter yourself,” Claire replied with an indifferent wave of her hand. Tad could barely glimpse her eyeballs above the shelf she stood behind. “I have more interesting things to do than watch you. But our friends find you amusing, so I told the globe to show your exploits over and over and…” She bent down and disappeared from view.

  He stood on his tiptoes and craned his neck to see over the bookcase. “What are you up to back there?”

  “Nothing.”

  Tad lifted his chin as he marched over to her. He had to pass by the snickering pigeons, who were so busy cawing that they did not see the glare he directed their way. And then he smiled as he recalled what had happened on the beach. “I see you’ve been decontaminated, eh Pip?” he said and nearly choked on the chuckle threatening to burst from his throat. “I might watch that little episode again in the globe, just to be sure Wigamus really did unload a tailful of roc droppings on your head. Memories, as you say. Put that in your trinket box.”

  Pip stopped laughing and stared out into the depths of the library. “I am shamed.”

  “Nonsense, Pip. Your heroics were…” Nan appeared to be trying to say something comforting but instead her open mouth spat out squawks and howls.

  Sev cast Pip a pitying look.

  Tad walked right past the birds. “More scientific mischief, I suppose?” he said when he found the back of Claire’s head.

  She flashed him a glance and turned her body away, though her eyes remained on the table in front of her. “Four, five, six…” She was doing something with an eyedropper he couldn’t quite see.

  “Do all scientists mutter under their breath while they work?” he asked.

  No answer.

  “It’s very illogical to talk to yourself.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Romance is far more sensible than science.”

  Still nothing. Claire bent lower over her work.

  Her tone, her refusal to parry his insult, the slant of her eyes. Tad turned a suspicious look and a pointy finger on the square-shaped item on her table with the fabric draped over it. “What’s this?”

  “Nothing special. Nothing that would interest you, anyway.”

  “You’re a terrible liar.” And the thing had begun to purr. “Have you got a wild animal caged up in here?”

  She shrugged.

  “Where did you get it?” Tad gasped as she diverted her eyes to the shelf next to her. “You didn’t.” He stormed over and jerked away the cloth. “Bah! You brought back…” Speechless. “That’s it. I’m telling the Lady to take away your magic.”

  Claire did not look up but slipped the eyedropper into her pocket. “You’re not the boss of magic. Or me.”

  “I am the avenging agent, not you, and…What…? What are you doing now? You keep that cage shut!”

  “Now that I’ve fed him, he wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Claire tossed an impish grin his way. “How else am I to test your theory that creatures who act all cranky and eat people can be cured with breakfast or a magic potion?” She swung open the rickety wooden door and cooed at the beast. “Come here, Popo.”

  “You’ve named it?”

  “Your mother named you, didn’t she?”

  Tad squeaked out an incredulous breath. “If it eats you, I’m telling the Lady I told you so.”

  “First you order me to find an impossible cure. Now you’re upset because I think I finally have…even though you’re not the boss of me.”

  “A cure? Really?”

  “You sound…surprised,” Claire said with a rising intonation and lifted the little roc to her bosom, where it purred all the louder as she scratched under its chin. Three others looked at them through the slats in the wooden cage. “One would think you expected me to fail and that the only reason you gave me this assignment…” She cast him the world’s falsest smile. “…was to keep me out of the way. But if that were the case, which I’m sure it’s not, maybe I should be the one to tell the Lady a thing or two about you.”

  “Fine. Let’s see what you’ve cooked up. Since you know everything about everything, I’m sure a little problem like a princess turned siren will be no puzzle for you at all.”
>
  “You’re just upset that I’m going to be the one who solves this case.”

  “And how will you do that without true love’s kiss or something or other?” Tad silently cursed himself for not using a more eloquent turn of phrase. Sure, he didn’t exactly know how to explain why Avery’s kiss didn’t work or what would, but that didn’t mean Claire had a solution.

  “I know there is a scientific explanation for what you call true love.”

  “And you know that because…?” Tad raised his eyebrows at her.

  “Because using the goggles I have learned something about these creatures. That hole we found at the base of the tree, it wasn’t a serpent’s lair or a den of vipers at all, as you asserted.” A faraway look entered Claire’s eyes. “It was a love nest.”

  “A love nest? Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “Aren’t you the one who’s always spouting poetry? What I mean is that the mother loved these babies, even though the rest of the world hates her species. That discovery led me to the conclusion that there is a biological capacity or lack thereof for whatever substance is responsible for feelings associated with love. After all, the…” She looked sideways and Popo and lowered her voice. “…I saw with the goggles that the fallen one had no love spark left in her, not like these sweet babies we orphaned.” She patted Popo’s head. “And that’s when I knew my original hypothesis was correct.” Her fingertips scratched under Popo’s chin again. “They’re very misunderstood creatures.”

  “He tried to eat your finger and your ear.”

  “But he didn’t mean it.”

  Popo cooed at her and flopped onto his back in her arms.

  “You want me to rub your tummy? Oh, yes you do, you…goo goo goo…”

  Tad planted his face in his palm and turned away from the spectacle. There was no way he was going to believe rocs weren’t evil. Probably it would eat Claire before it grew up, even. He dragged his hand down his face. Nan was looking back and forth between him and Claire. Sev and Pip were whispering in secret again.