Love Hate

by Ruth Houston

  * * *

  I didn't see Tristan for the rest of the day. I wasn't really sure where he went but I didn't really care. As long as I had a break from him for a while I was alright.

  "You need to talk to him," Georgia had insisted when I had confided in her, Jade and Harry about the classroom incident at lunch.

  "You need to hear him out," agreed Harry.

  "You need to punch his lights out," Jade added darkly.

  I looked at her, surprised. "I like that idea," I said.

  "Jade! Stop giving her ideas," hissed Harry. "Can't you see that she's in a very emotionally-unstable position right now?"

  "What? It's what I would do! That guy got Ashley pregnant and now he's trying to string Amber along! It's not fair on Amber. She should hurt him before she gets hurt herself… er… again," Jade finished lamely.

  I laughed in a slightly bitter way as Georgia and Harry death-glared Jade. "I think I'll just see what happens."

  Jade snorted and muttered something under her breath that sounded like, "I'd still punch the loser."

  Georgia shot her a dirty look before turning to me with a smile. "I think that's great. Really wise."

  I smiled.

  So, now I was sitting at home, staring at the wall opposite my bed blankly, my thoughts going nowhere.

  What should I do?

  Call Tristan.

  Maybe I should call Georgia… Get together with her or something.

  No, don't call Georgia. She's had enough of your whining-ass for today. Call Tristan

  Or Jade, maybe. She's always good. After all, she's against Tristan, unlike some people.

  Don't be so immature. You aren't against Tristan! So bloody-well CALL HIM!

  Oh, shut up.

  So now you're listening to me?

  Lucas.

  What?

  I'll get together with Lucas.

  The idea came to me so suddenly, yet I knew it was what I wanted to do. Mentally brushing away my inner voice's protests, I rose from my bed and cross my room to my computer.

  I signed into Instant Messenger and my stomach jolted when I saw his name on the computer screen. I double clicked on him and wrote:

  Amber … You Make My Heart Smile says:

  Hey. How are you?

  Lucas says:

  Hey… I'm good. Surprised to hear from u though.

  Amber … You Make My Heart Smile says:

  Yeah, I guess that's fair. We haven't spoken for ages.

  Lucas says:

  Yeah…

  Amber … You Make My Heart Smile says:

  So, anyway, I was wonderin if u wanted to catch up.

  Lucas says:

  Really?

  Amber … You Make My Heart Smile says:

  Yeah. It'll be good. Hangin out as friends.

  Lucas says:

  Friends. Uh, OK, sounds good.

  Amber … You Make My Heart Smile says:

  Meet you at the park in twenty minutes?

  Lucas says:

  See you there.

  I logged off the computer with a smile. At least I would be getting out of the house and it would be good to see Lucas again. Hopefully it wouldn't be awkward because of the circumstances of our last talk.

  Shrugging those thoughts aside, I rose to my feet, grabbed my jacked and pulled it on as I jogged downstairs. I called out a farewell to whoever was in the house and pulled the door open.

  My heart stopped.

  I was staring straight into Tristan's face.

  "Amber!" Tristan cried, clearly as surprised as I was.

  "Tristan?" I managed to choke out.

  "I was going to knock… but you beat me to the chase," Tristan said, smiling weakly.

  I grunted and stepped past him, closing the door behind me.

  "Where are you going?" Tristan asked as he followed me down the front steps and onto the front path.

  "I'm meeting Lucas at the park," I replied shortly as I hurried down the path, eager to get away from Tristan as soon as possible.

  "Wait, what?" Tristan's hand closed on mine and he pulled me around to face him for the second time that day. "Why are you meeting Lucas?"

  I stared up at Tristan, shocked by the jealousy I found in his tone, his expression and even his normally-guarded eyes. Then a feeling of anger overtook that of surprise.

  "You've got to be kidding me," I said, yanking my hand from his. "You're jealous that I'm meeting Lucas?!"

  "So what if I am?" Tristan asked. "You're not going out with him again, are you?"

  "Why do you even care if I'm going out with anyone?" I found myself shouting, not caring that the next-door-neighbour was peering out from behind her curtains at the scene developing in my front yard. "What's it to you if I date a hundred guys?! How is it any of your business?! You're dating Ashley! You got her pregnant! That should be what you're worried about, not who I'm dating!"

  Tristan watched me silently, his jaw set and his expression unreadable again. "I hope you don't think I wanted this to happen, Amber," he said quietly, his voice laced with anger. "I hope you don't think I wanted her to get pregnant after a drunken one night stand. I hope you don't think that I want to be dating her. I hope you don't think I wouldn't rather be with you!"

  Silence fell after his last sentence, which seemed to hang in the air around us like invisible smog.

  Something stirred in my chest as I stared up at Tristan. Was he telling the truth? Did he really want to be with me? Was it really a one night stand when Tristan was drunk that had caused Ashley to fall pregnant?

  As these thoughts whirled around in my head, Tristan had begun to shift uncomfortably in front of me. Even though his expression was still angry or frustrated, a dull red flush had crept into his cheeks, hinting at the embarrassment he felt for admitting the last sentence.

  My mind seemed torn in two.

  What do I do?

  Kiss him.

  What?!

  Kiss him.

  But he has a girlfriend!

  You heard him. He wants to be with you.

  She's pregnant!

  Oh, right. Don't kiss him.

  Well, there you have it. My mind melded together once again and I looked up at Tristan in silence, still unsure as to how to react.

  "I'm going to go," Tristan said slowly. "You'd better go meet… Lucas."

  I watched as Tristan turned and walked to his car, which was parked in the driveway. Words formed on the end of my tongue, but I couldn't seem to spit them out. I simply stared as he got into his car and drove off down the street.

  Oh, Christ. Why did my life have to be so Goddamn complicated?

  I can't even remember a time when I wasn't confused about my feelings or something.

  Before Tristan came, maybe?

  Tristan…

  * * *

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  I trudged through the park, my eyes on my shuffling feet and my hands shoved deep in my pockets. The perfect scene was running through my mind as I walked…

  Ashley turning up to my house with Tristan... Her admitting that she wasn't pregnant… Tristan picking me up and spinning me around before pulling me towards him…

  "Amber!"

  I looked up, slightly surprised to see Lucas walking towards me, a warm smile lighting up his tanned face and a hand raised in welcome. I managed a smile in return and we came to a stop in front of one another.

  There was a slightly awkward moment where we both seemed unsure of what to do. I compromised by leaning up on my toes, hugging Lucas and pressing a swift kiss on his cheek. I half expected a spark to race up my spine, causing my body to tingle at the contact but it seemed that the attraction I held for Lucas had died on the night of the dance.

  I pulled away from my ex, my smile still held in place. Lucas's cheeks looked a little flushed but, apart from that, he seemed to know that I didn't feel anything in return.

  "So, how have you been?" Lucas asked as we began to walk towards the tree we had met
under.

  I inwardly laughed. If only he knew…

  "Good," I lied, flashing him a smile before flopping down beneath the tree. "You?"

  Lucas sat next to me. "Alright…"

  We sat in silence for a few moments before I said, "We're friends right?"

  Lucas looked slightly taken-aback by the sudden question. He smiled in an unsure way at me for a moment, questions in his eyes, before nodding. "Yeah…"

  "And I can tell you anything and I won't be totally weird 'cause we went out or anything, right?"

  Lucas stiffened slightly but he still said slowly, "Yeah…"

  I fell silent, mulling over how best to put my next statement.

  "Did he hurt you?"

  I looked up at Lucas to see him staring at me in the eye, his expression serious. Worried, even.

  "Did who hurt me?" I asked, frowning slightly.

  "Tristan." Lucas's serious eyes didn't stray from my face.

  I looked down at my hands with a bitter-sounding laugh. "If only you knew, Lucas…"

  "Well, then, tell me."

  I glanced up at him before sighing and looking away, still unsure.

  "Look, Amber…" Lucas took my hands in his, catching my gaze and holding it. "I know whatever we have isn't entirely developed at the moment… but I'd like to think that you consider me a close enough friend that you'd let me help you through such an obviously hard time."

  A growing smile slid over my lips and I nodded. "You're right…"

  I took a deep, steadying breath before telling Lucas about everything that had been troubling me since the last time we had spoken. Ashley, the pregnancy, my attraction for Tristan… everything.

  By the end of my confession I was choking back tears. I didn't realise how much talking to someone about everything would help so much.

  Lucas sighed heavily and before I knew what was happening, he had placed an arm around my trembling shoulders and pulled me into his chest. I leant against him and let the tears fall, sobbing and shuddering in his warm embrace.

  While I sobbed into his chest, my tears wetting the front of his shirt, Lucas murmured soft nothings into my hair, his warm breath traveling down the back of my neck. His thumb stroked my forearm comfortingly.

  Finally, I pulled away from his chest slowly, wiping the fallen tears from my cheeks and sniffing. I managed a watery smile for Lucas, in thanks for him listening to my problems and comforting me and he seemed to understand the silent gesture.

  He reached up a hand stroked the side of my face, speaking in a soft voice, "If I were Tristan, I'd never give up a girl like you."

  My eyes widened as Lucas leaned forward, his lips brushing mine. I was too shocked to respond and, as though he took this as permission, he deepened the kiss, pulling me closer toward him.

  This isn't what I want! This isn't right! I don't like him!

  I pulled away suddenly from Lucas and a slightly guilty feeling stirred in my chest as I saw confusion plain in his deep brown eyes. Lucas's were like an open book just waiting to be read, as if begging me to take in his feelings. They were so unlike Tristan's, who guarded his eyes from emotion.

  Tristan…

  It was then that it hit me.

  "Lucas… I – I can't," I stammered.

  Lucas closed his eyes for a moment, sucking in his bottom lip before nodding once and withdrawing his arms. "I know. I'm… I'm sorry."

  I rose to my feet slowly and Lucas jumped to his feet, his expression worried, even pleading.

  "Look, Amber, I'm sorry. Please, can we just try to be friends again? I promise I won't try anything again! Don't go," Lucas pleaded, his eyes begging.

  I shook my head slightly. "I'm not leaving because of this," I said, "I need to go somewhere. I'll call you."

  With that, I turned and hurried off across the park, a hundred thoughts running through my head at a thousand miles per hour.

  * * *

  The next morning I sort out Harry and Georgia as soon as I got to Black Ridge. I spotted them sitting underneath our usual tree and made a beeline for them.

  "I like him," I said as soon as I reached my two best friends. "I like Tristan."

  Georgia hit her forehead with an open palm and Harry sighed, a smile lighting up his face.

  "When did you figure that one out, dumb ass?" cried Georgia, exasperated.

  "What do you mean?" I asked, frowning.

  "We're known you liked Tristan since… uh… the week he moved into your place!" exclaimed Harry, laughing.

  "What?" I cried. "But why didn't you tell me?!"

  Georgia stared at me. "That is, by far, the dumbest question you've ever asked us," she stated. "How are we supposed to tell you your own feelings?"

  "You would have just told us to get lost," Harry said, nodding wisely.

  I thought for a moment before sighing and sinking to the grass with a nod. "You're right…"

  I saw Georgia and Harry stiffen slightly and knew what was coming next…

  "Hey Amber, can I talk to you?"

  I looked up slowly from the grass I had been pulling out of the ground. Tristan stood over me, an unsure half-smile on his lips. I swallowed hard and found myself nodding.

  "We're just going to go get something… to read," Georgia said lamely, leaping to her feet.

  "Why don't you just say 'we're going to go bugger off and give you some privacy now'?" Harry said. "It's not like they don't know why we're really leaving."

  "We get the point, Harry. Now, can we go?" Georgia said.

  "Oh, right." Harry gave me a quick hug, got to his feet and walked off to the school.

  I slowly rose to my feet and waited nervously for Tristan to speak. Instead of looking nervous however, Tristan looked extremely happy.

  "It's not mine," he suddenly said, grinning from ear-to-ear.

  I frowned. "What's not…?" My sentence trailed off into nothing as my eyebrows flew up in disbelief. "The… The baby isn't yours?"

  Tristan shook his head, still grinning.

  "Well – Well," I stammered, searching for something to say… something that would express the sheer happiness and relief that had just washed over me. "How did you find out?"

  "I asked Ashley to get a test done and then she burst out crying and ended up telling me that the baby's Derrick Hasserworth's. They hooked up at some party when we started going out," Tristan explained.

  The grin that had slowly begun to spread across my lips suddenly vanished. "Are you saying that she… she knew?"

  "Well… yeah… But it doesn't matter now that she's told me – Amber, where are you going?!"

  But I didn't reply as I was already running up to the school in search for Ashley.

  * * *

  "You bitch!"

  I stood at the end of the hallway, glaring daggers at Ashley's lone profile, where she was stooped over her bag. It was the end of the day and almost everyone had already left the school.

  Ashley straightened from her bag with a frown, but her expression turned worried when she saw me.

  "A – Amber," Ashley stammered as I began to walk towards her.

  Good, let her be scared, I found myself thinking angrily as I came to a stop in front of her.

  "How dare you lie about being pregnant with Tristan's baby? How dare you make him believe that he would have to be a dad when he was only seventeen years old? How dare you do that to him?!" I shouted in her face.

  Instead of looking defensive however, tears suddenly flooded Ashley's eyes and she sunk slowly to the marble floor. In shock, I watched as she rested her head on her knees, her shoulders shaking as she began to cry.

  "Er… Ashley?" I said, unsure of what to do.

  I compromised by simply sitting down beside her.

  "I – I didn't want this t – to happen," Ashley sobbed, raising her head slightly, tears streaming down her cheeks. "When Derrick told me he wasn't g – going to support me through the pregnancy, I just t – turned to Tristan. All… All I wanted was for someone to
c – care." She lost control again, letting out long, shuddering sobs and hiccoughs into her hands.

  I slowly placed a somewhat comforting hand on Ashley's shoulder, my insides twisting in… pity. Don't look at me! I'm just as shocked as you are. I'm feeling pity for the girl I've hated for the past four years?!

  "I'm so… so sorry," Ashley choked out, once again meeting my eyes with hers. I saw pure honesty reflected there and I slowly nodded, letting her know it was OK, even though it really wasn't.

  I sat in the corridor with Ashley, my arm around her trembling shoulders. Under all her bitchiness and spitefulness, all she wanted was to be loved.

  Who could have known?

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Now, I know you're all probably waiting for me to say something like: 'after that whole Oprah moment in the hallway with Ashley, we became really close friends and Tristan and I got together to live happily ever after.'

  Well… that probably would have happened in my dreams.

  No, in reality, Ashley went straight back to being the bitch she was before, as if nothing had ever happened. The slight change was that she didn't talk to me, Tristan or anyone else associated with me during the following two weeks. Instead, she acted as if I didn't even exist.

  What happened between Tristan and I, you ask? Well, turns out that no matter how much I like the guy, I couldn't just jump straight into a relationship with him, not after everything that's happened this year.

  So, things went on as normal as the seniors' graduation and formal loomed nearer.

  * * *

  "Do you think we should sign up for the formal's decorations committee?" Harry asked.

  "No!" I exclaimed firmly, looking up from my freshly painted nails.

  Harry, Georgia and I were all sprawled on my bed spread, painting our nails, flipping through magazines, gossiping and just having a naturally girly time… apart from Harry, who's technically not a girl.

  It was a week before the formal and we had only just gotten back from shopping for mine and Georgia's dresses. Harry was still looking for the pink and purple suit he was determined to have.

  "Why not?" Georgia asked, one eyebrow raised questioningly.