If I Can't Have You

by Federica Bosco

  Kiss me, please kiss me.

  ‘Come on, I’ll take you home, it looks like rain.’

  I opened my eyes slowly, as if I’d been waiting for a bomb that hadn’t gone off.

  He hadn’t kissed me!

  Why?

  Was it the onion soup? But he had eaten it too!

  Because I’d hardly spoken to him? Maybe I just couldn’t get a word in!

  He obviously didn’t like me then! He had taken me out because he promised, because he was kind and helpful to everyone and doubtless he had a beautiful girlfriend who was going to marry and he would tell me all about her on the doorstep.

  I was furious.

  On the way back, I refused to hold onto him out of spite, clinging to the handles under my seat instead and risking being thrown off at every turn. When we got home he kissed me on the cheek and watched me through the door.

  I turned around, gave him a tight little smile and slammed the door with

  all my strength. Did it make him feel good to trick a stupid little girl in love? Or was that his idea of a date; dinner, a walk and then home?

  But the worst was yet to come. As usual, I had left my phone on the bed and the missed calls from Nina could no longer be counted. Had she guessed?

  There was a message from her too, that said,

  ‘Why is it that when I have something important to announce to the people I love most, they disappear???? I wanted to show you the ring Carl gave me, but you obviously have better things to do!!!!

  The ring.

  So he’d decided to make an idiot of himself that very evening, had he? I was about to call her back, but then I worried that my phone call would coincide with Patrick getting home, and make her suspicious. But if I avoided her it would look like I had something to hide…

  I called her.

  ‘Where have you been, I called you like a million times!’

  ‘At ballet, where I always am, you could have come and looked for me if it was important!’ I replied, praying that she hadn’t.

  ‘I was going to, but then I tried calling my brother and he didn’t answer me either, so I thought since no one could be bothered to talk to me I might as well go to bed!’

  ‘How could I have known Carl would just give you the ring on a random Wednesday night? I thought he’d give it to you on Christmas Day!’

  I realised too late that I had said too much.

  ‘What do you mean you thought he’d give it me at Christmas? Did you know he was going to give me a ring? ‘

  ‘No! I mean.if he was going to give you a ring, you’d have thought he would do it at Christmas. That’s what I meant…’

  Silence.

  ‘Mia, don’t bullshit me.’

  ‘I’m not bullshitting you,’ I wheedled

  ‘You knew!’

  ‘I didn’t, I swear!’

  ‘Mia!!’

  ‘Oh Nina, he needed some advice, I’m your best friend and he just wanted to make sure you would like it.’

  ‘So you chose it?’

  ‘No, he did everything.’

  I avoided adding that I had thought it was a stupid idea, as I didn’t think that would help.

  I heard her sigh of disappointment.

  ‘Nina. It’s nothing. I would ask my boyfriend’s best friend for advice if I was going to buy something so important.’

  And overpriced, I added to myself.

  ‘So you’ve already seen it.’

  ‘I didn’t see it on you though, just in the box, so it’s sort of like I haven’t seen it.’

  ‘Will you pretend to be surprised when I show you tomorrow morning?’

  ‘I promise. I’ll even faint if you want.’

  ‘Oh, Patrick has just come in! I’m going to go and show him, let’s hope he hasn’t already seen it as well!’

  Patrick …

  For five minutes I hadn’t thought about him and his bloody nerve. Leaving me standing there like a fool with my eyes closed, waiting for a Prince’s kiss, and probably laughing at me all the time! I would make him sorry, I didn’t know how yet, but I would find a way to get back at him if it was the last thing I did.

  There were yet more problems waiting for me at school the next day. I had been so preoccupied with the audition that I had mixed up the deadlines for handing in important coursework, and I now had essays in history and English plus a biology report all due in the next few days. I was out of time.

  Nina was hypnotised by the ring on her finger and remained completely oblivious to my dilemma. Add to that the fact that I had not been kissed, and my life pretty much sucked.

  ‘Earth to Nina, do you read me?’

  ‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it?’ she replied, showing me her hand for the fifteenth time.

  ‘If you show it to me again, I’m going to put it in a bin.’

  ‘It’s so romantic.’

  ‘Yes it is, but how am I going to get all this work done? Do you think they’ll give me an extension? The next one is due in a week, I haven’t even started!’

  ‘I’d help you out, but I’m still finishing mine. I think I know someone who could help, though.’

  ‘Not Carl?’

  ‘No, Patrick!’

  Hearing his name made my blood run cold.

  ‘How can Patrick help?’

  ‘Well, he’s home all week and he did all those subjects, maybe he still has some notes on his computer.’

  I would rather fail and be rejected by the Royal Ballet than ask him for help! But there was also part of me that wanted more than anything to ask him why he didn’t like me.

  ‘You think I could?’

  ‘Sure! I’ll ask him. Why would he say no?’

  That same afternoon I rang the doorbell of the Dewayne house, feeling like a schoolgirl selling door-to-door sweets. Nina’s Mum opened the door, and even though I had been a regular guest at that house for almost all my life, so much so that it almost felt like a second home, when she smiled at me and invited me in, completely unaware of what I wanted to do with her son in his room, I couldn’t help feeling awkward.

  Nina was studying with Carl, which meant we would probably be alone.

  ‘Come in, sweetheart, come in! You’re here for Patrick, aren’t you? Nina told me all about it! I don’t know, they do give you a lot of homework these days, don’t they? Let me take your coat, and I’ve made some shortbread, you like shortbread, don’t you? Do you want a cup of tea?’

  Sometimes Laetitia seemed more Italian than my mother.

  Her husband was a respected cardiac surgeon, a pioneer in transplant research and by the time the children were born they were wealthy enough that he could all but retire, just lending his expertise in difficult cases, while Laetitia didn’t have to work at all, although she did sell home-made cushions on the internet and at craft fairs, more as a hobby than anything else. This meant that both of them had been able to dedicate themselves completely to their home, their children and their hectic social life.

  And they were so nice, too. They never acted like they were better than you just because they were well off.

  Patrick appeared at the top of the stairs and told me to come up. He was so beautiful. I didn’t know if I wanted to kiss him or punch him in the face.

  ‘Nina told me you’re struggling with homework, what can I do for you?’

  Struggling with homework. like I was a kid learning my times tables.

  What can I do for you? What was he, a call centre operator?

  I hated him more every minute and wanted him more every second.

  ‘I’m behind with my coursework and realistically I only have the weekend to work on it. If I don’t get them done I risk failing those subjects and compromising my entry to the Royal Ballet.’

  ‘I’ve dug out my old notes and some past papers, we could start from there. We’ll make it between the two of us, don’t worry.’

  I watched his lips moving as if in slow motion and I imagined him saying, ‘I love you Mia. I’ve misse
d you so much, and wanted you so badly’ and then throwing me onto the bed, kissing me, his hands slipping under my sweater, going down towards my jeans, and …

  ‘Mia, are you listening to me?’

  ‘Of course!’ I replied, blushing violently.

  ‘Okay, so, we’ll share tasks, you do the research and I’ll put it together, yes?’

  ‘Under orders, captain!’ I said, standing to attention. ‘Then I will sweep the bridge and lower the sails! ‘

  He grinned sheepishly.

  ‘I went too fast, didn’t I?’

  ‘A bit.’

  ‘Sorry, that’s probably a navy thing. They want everything done in a split second. Please tell me if I get carried away.

  I wish you would…

  We sat at his desk, a long table resting on two trestles and covered in books and notes.

  ‘I’ve got an exam too, next month,’ he explained, moving some papers to one side, ‘I’ve been taking the opportunity to get in some study while I’m on leave.’

  But you’re helping me?

  It was the first time I’d actually been in his room. The shelves were filled with trophies and awards of all shapes and sizes, and the walls were plastered with photos of him on his graduation day, enlisting in the Navy, with his friends in Spain, with other girls (argh!), and with his motorbike. All that was missing was a snap of him dressed as a fireman and he’d have the entire calendar. There were girls who would have killed to be in my place.

  Once he had distributed his homework, he let me have the computer and lay down on the bed to consult the notes. I was overcome with embarrassment. I should never have agreed to this. I should have studied with Carl, or with Alex, or even with Paul, anyone but the boy who upset the rhythm of my sleep and sent every sensible thought flying from my head every time I looked at him. I had to think of an excuse and get out of there. Anything would do.

  I stood up just as his mum knocked on the door.

  ‘I brought a cup of tea for Mia,’ she said, almost apologetically. Then turning to me, ‘Nina has categorically denied all entry to her room, she said she needs her privacy.’

  I thought of my mother who would have taken the doors off their hinges to

  stop me from locking myself in.

  ‘We’ll, now she’s engaged.’ Pat said mischievously.

  ‘Did you see the ring?’ Laetitia asked anxiously, evidently wanting to know what we thought.

  ‘Yes, it’s lovely,’ I replied cautiously.

  Pat made a face. ‘It’s too soon,’ he said, shaking his head, ‘She’s too young for something like that. But if you try and tell her, she just gets angry.’

  ‘She was the same with me,’ said Laetitia, ‘She says I’m old and I don’t understand. But it’s her that’s acting old before her time. What do you think Mia? ‘

  ‘I was actually with Carl when he bought it.’ They turned to look at me, dumbfounded. ‘And I told him then it was crazy, but he was the same as Nina - just got annoyed and refused to talk about it.

  ‘Let’s hope they prove us wrong,’ she sighed, ‘You never stop worrying about your children, even when they’re all grown up, eh?’ she said, stroking Pat’s face with a melancholy gesture.

  Then she left and we were alone again. I felt that he was worried about Nina and wanted to talk to me about her, but knowing how close we were, he was clearly unsure if I’d agree to discuss it.

  ‘Don’t worry, Pat,’ I reassured him, ‘Carl’s a nice guy and he genuinely does love Nina. Maybe we should all stop spoiling the party with our worrying and just be happy for her if this is what she wants.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right, totally! I’m just fucking terrified of anything bad happening to her, you know? She’s my little sister…’

  ‘I know, but you’re not Superman and you can’t stop every bad thing from happening. Sometimes you just have to trust the people that you love!’

  Listen to me, talking like an adult!

  ‘I just want so much to be able to protect people I care about. To be there for them and always be ready to step in when they need help, but like you say, I can’t be everywhere at once, and I know people should be free to make their own mistakes, but it’s so hard to see the people you love suffering!’

  ‘You would be a perfect guardian angel.’

  ‘I would be busy with you two!’ he said, then added sadly, ‘Unfortunately I’m never around when I’m needed most.’

  ‘Well, you’ve already got your hands full defending the nation, and I’m always here to look out for her when you’re not around.’ I said, like a good soldier.

  He reached out and stroked my cheek.

  ‘But I was talking about you. I wish...I wish I could be there for you.’

  He slipped his hand into my hair and looked into my eyes for a long, heart-stopping moment before touching his lips to mine and kissing me with a passion so intense and so profound that I suddenly realised he had never believed it could have happened either.

  We slid from the bed to the carpet, kissing and clinging frantically to one another.

  I felt my body explode with the desire to make love with him, I wanted him with all my heart and soul. I devoured his lips and his hands and breathed his hair as he stroked my skin and covered me with kisses, catching our breath from time to time to look into each other’s eyes, excited and incredulous, like two strangers discovering themselves for the first time.

  ‘Mia! You’ll stay for dinner with us, won’t you?’ Laetitia yelled, about ten seconds before entering the room. We just had time to fling ourselves apart, one on the bed and the other at the computer, as if we had never moved from there.

  ‘Of course she’ll stay, we’ll need to carry on after dinner or we’ll never make it!’ said Patrick with a peremptory and almost annoyed air.

  I shrugged as if to say that he was the boss.

  ‘Well, don’t study too much, you need to take a sometimes break too!’

  She went out and closed the door and we burst out laughing.

  ‘That was close!’ I said.

  He pulled me to him on the bed.

  ‘Come on, we have to study!’ I protested weakly.

  ‘You heard what she said, we have to take a break.’ He said, starting to kiss me again.

  I couldn’t tell if I was going insane with joy or just freaking out at how weird it all was. Patrick and I, kissing in his room was so absurd that I could hardly believe it was happening! But at the same time, it felt like I had always been in his arms, that I had known those lips and that body forever, as if we had been together in another life, another age, another time.

  ‘Pat,’ I said, taking his face in his hands, ‘Why didn’t you kiss me last night? ‘

  ‘I didn’t want to rush you into anything…’ he said, tracing his fingers along my neck and my shoulder.

  I had to laugh. Rush me? I had been waiting for thirteen years!

  ‘Pat.’ I said again, enjoying the way his name felt on my tongue. ‘You’ll probably laugh when I say this, but I have waited all my life for this moment. I’m crazy about you!’

  He hugged me tightly and kissed my hair.

  ‘That’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me, and I would never laugh at you!’

  ‘But you’re older than me, and all the girls like you.’

  ‘Actually, I’m only two years and five months older than you, and not all the girls like me. Anyway, the only one that interests me is you.’

  ‘But when did you start to like me?’

  ‘When we started talking on the phone, and suddenly I realised that you’d become this wonderful, funny, fascinating woman. I couldn’t stop thinking about you…’

  ‘I have a confession to make,’ I said, laughing, ‘You remember that time you had to rescue me in the middle of the night because if I got a puncture? I had ridden all the way to the Pump and Tap to see you!’

  ‘I thought you were getting a book?’

  ‘No, I wanted to see who
your girlfriend was!’

  ‘Christine? She wasn’t my girlfriend! ‘

  ‘I didn’t know that.’

  ‘You’re crazy! You could have frozen to death, or been attacked by some weirdo!’

  ‘I didn’t care. I just wanted to see you!’

  ‘Baby, come here,’ he hugged me again, ‘You’re so sweet, I just want to take care of you.’

  We stayed like that, holding each other, listening to the calm rhythm as we breathed as one. There was no need for words.

  When we went down to dinner I felt different. I still felt Patrick’s arms around me, holding me in an imaginary embrace. When he was near me I felt protected and safe and I was no longer afraid of anything. With him by my side, everything would go well: school, the audition, my relationship with Mum. And that feeling of peace and security was like a drug. I never wanted to be without that sense of well-being that his presence gave me. The knowledge that he would be leaving me in a few days already distressed me.

  Dinner passed pleasantly, with only the arrival of Nina giving us cause to worry. She was the only one who might pick up on the fact that things had changed, even though we were acting the same as always. Luckily, she was still under the spell of the ring and didn’t pay much attention to anything else.

  I asked Patrick to take me home after dinner. I needed to be alone and get my thoughts together. That afternoon had changed the entire course of my life and I was as bewildered and disoriented as if I had been hit by a hurricane. He drove me back in the car so I didn’t have to go out in the cold, and when we arrived home, he took my chin in his hands and kissed me. His mouth and his hands already felt familiar to me, and I wanted more, as if to make up for lost time.

  Parting from him that night was painful. All my priorities had been suddenly turned upside down and now everything revolved around him. The idea of going to rehearsals with Claire when I could have been with him seemed unthinkable. I was no longer myself.

  ‘Sleep well, baby,’ he whispered, ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  Tomorrow seemed like an eternity.

  He kissed me again and when I started to leave he held me back by the pocket of my jeans. I kissed him again and forced myself to get out of the car. I already wanted to tell him that I loved him.