Losing Hope

by Michelle Windsor

  I shook my head, “No, we can’t. I can’t. It’s just too much. This isn’t going to work. I need to go.”

  I went to walk out of the room and he grabbed my arm. “Where are you going?”

  “I’m leaving. I’m done. I don’t want to be married to you. I can’t be married to you anymore. I feel like I’m going to suffocate.” I stormed out of the kitchen and out the front door. Tears falling from my eyes. He is the love of my life. The greatest man I’ve ever known, but he can’t know. He must never know the truth.

  *

  “I love you,” I whisper to the air. “I miss you each and every day.”

  That was two years, eleven months and twenty-five days ago. That’s how long I’ve been working to end this.

  Turning off the phone, I slip it back in its compartment and take my day phone out of the drawer, turning it on and sitting it down while I put on my shorts and tee shirt. Crawling back into bed I pick up the phone to see eleven missed calls and a few tests. Turning off the light, and getting comfortable I go through the texts. Nothing important, just Kelly from my day job, wanting to get together this weekend for drinks. I turned on my alarm and went to sleep. Well tried to sleep. I don’t do much of that these days.

  *

  The ringing of the phone stirs me. I’m standing by the front door watching, but not participating. I see myself run down the stairs and down the hall to the kitchen. I am drawn to the me I see before me. I have long red hair. As I disappear through the doorway the ringing stops.

  “Hello,” I say out of breath. “Yes this is she. Wait who are you?” I laugh, “Steven is this a joke?”

  I watch as my smile slowly leaves my face. I watch as the tears build up in my eyes. I watch as my body starts to shake. I watch as I drop the phone turning to the sink to vomit. I want to rush over and hold myself but I am riveted to the spot by the doorway. After I rinse my mouth out I pick up the phone.

  “Yes, I understand. I’ll be there tonight. Thank you.” My voice sounds like a robot.

  I can feel every emotion, fear, sadness, anger. Watching myself look around the kitchen I know, I know this is over. This life, my life. After eight years of marriage to the perfect man my life is over. Victoria Holmes is gone. I watched as the anger came out. Screaming I started throwing things. It didn’t make me feel any better but I was mad, pissed and terrified. I can feel it, like it happened yesterday.

  I heard the front door open and I turned to see Steven. My heart hurt knowing I would only ever see him again in my dreams. I love him completely and he is no longer my life.

  *

  I woke up, sitting straight up in bed, my heart slamming in my chest. I run into my closet, pulling up the carpet in the back corner. Picking up my wedding band, I slip it on my finger and grab the picture that lays upside down. My hands shaking and my eyes blurred from the tears. Tracing his face, I whisper, “I love you so much. I’m so sorry.”

  When I finish with my pity party, I slip my ring off my finger and put the only two pieces of my love back under the carpet for safe keeping. I’m not going to get any more sleep so I just stay up and get ready for my day job. It’s time again to become Sue Costello.

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