Losing Lola (Mercy's Angels Book 5)

by Kirsty Dallas

  “The bad man you worked for,” she whispered, “that was different?”

  “Yeah, Mouse, that was different. He dealt with guns, but he didn’t stand for women and children being hurt like that,” I snorted. “Kind of hypocritical because those guns he sold no doubt killed numerous of women and children. I’m not a good guy, Lola. I’ve done shit I’m not proud of, I’ve killed and the blood on these hands will never disappear. This is what I do, it’s what I’m good at. That fucker who hurt you, he’s not going to see a second of prison time, baby, because I’m going to bury him.”

  Lola didn’t move, and I wondered what she would think of my declaration. Would she be disgusted by who and what I was...a killer? The simple, accepting nod she gave me took me by surprise.

  “You’re okay with that?”

  Lola nodded again, gathering our dirty clothes into her arms. “I’m okay with that.”

  Before she walked past me, I stopped her with a gentle hand on her shoulder, looking at her so hard I hoped to dig into her brain and see what she was really thinking.

  “Really, Drew, I’m okay. I don’t want him in prison, either, because one day he’ll get out. He’ll always be there, in my head, taunting me. If he’s breathing, he’s hurting me. I trust you to do this right, though. I can’t lose you, and if I do, I’ll be really pissed.”

  With that, she walked out of the steaming bathroom, and I shook my head. My girl was more a warrior than a mouse, and hell if that didn’t make my stubborn cock hard again.

  CHAPTER 28

  LOLA

  I slept like the dead last night. Maybe it was the sedate peacefulness of the forested area we were in, maybe it was the delicious dinner Grandma Catalina had fed us, or maybe it was having Drew in my bed, which Gabbie didn’t comment on, thank God. Whatever it was, I was grateful for it. Sleep had been an evil bitch that seemed to come and go as she pleased. It had gotten better since talking with David, but I hadn’t slept with such a deep peacefulness as I did last night for as long as I can remember.

  At the moment Grandma Catalina had a full house, two couples, one with a baby, and they were currently gathered around the large table that dominated the dining room for breakfast. Sheer yellow curtains covered enormous windows, allowing the sun to filter through as a warm and welcoming glow. And yet, even with that warm welcome, I stood frozen between the large double doors that led inside. Throwing me into a room full of strangers was about as stressful a situation as my social intricacies could handle.

  Watching Gabbie’s grandmother fuss so easily with the guests made me jealous. God, how I wished I could slide so effortlessly into that roll, someone who could find words and conversation so easily. As Grandma Catalina leaned down to coo at the cute baby, her ruddy gaze found mine.

  “Ahhhh, hermosa chica. Come, come, have something to eat.”

  She took my hand and guided me to the empty seat at one end of the table, then quickly placed a plate and cutlery before me. I’d tried to wait for Gabbie and Drew, but they were out exploring and had been gone for over an hour, and I was starving. When the smell of bacon reached my nose, I’d pretty much floated through the garden and Catalina’s back door.

  Before I knew it, my plate was piled high and a hot cup of coffee sat to one side. Grandma Catalina disappeared into the kitchen, and I ate in awkward silence as the guests to my left chatted and laughed like old friends. One of the women turned my way, but the warm smile on her face disappeared when her gaze lowered to my chest. Glancing down I noticed some of my scars were showing. Pulling on the frilly white shirt I had opted to wear, instead of the baggy t-shirts I usually donned, I made sure it was in place and my scars were covered. The woman’s smile was back in place when my flushed gaze met hers.

  “Hi, I’m Josie. This is my husband Corey, and that’s Corey’s brother James, and his wife Nina and their baby, Harry.”

  Putting on my best smile, I gave them all a nod in greeting. Keeping my butt firmly planted on the chair was proving difficult; my comfort zone screamed at me from across the backyard in the way of a breakfast bar with no strangers sitting at it. I should probably introduce myself except that would no doubt lead to small talk, which definitely wasn’t my thing. So, I kept quiet and all too soon I was fidgeting and mindlessly rearranging my knife, fork, and spoon.

  “I can’t believe you started before me,” Drew growled in my ear, making me jump.

  Before I could question if he really was disappointed, he gifted me a wink and slipped into the chair by my side. Gabbie sat in the chair directly opposite me with a big, bright smile. Regardless of the fact she was a deadly soldier, she still looked every bit of femininity with her hair was pulled into a high ponytail, her flawless face makeup free and a pinch of lip gloss on her full lips. Tugging once again at the bohemian style shirt I had thrown on this morning, I felt small and insignificant sitting with her. The slight wave to my hair gave it a forever windblown look, and my pale skin only accentuated the freckles across my nose. For the first time in a long time looking plain made me feel miserable. Internally cursing my choice in clothing I could lie and say I didn’t know why I had opted for the sheer top and denim shorts over my spindly frame, but I knew exactly what I was thinking as I dressed. I was seeking the attention of a certain scarred, handsome, muscle bound Goliath. Never had I dressed with the intention of catching a man’s eye, always preferring to disappear while in plain sight.

  I glanced at Drew and found his watchful gaze on me. The hunger in his eyes filled my stomach with the frenzied flutter of wings. Taking my hand, he pressed a possessive kiss to my knuckles before lowering it to his thigh where he continued to hold it under his much bigger palm. I smiled at the gesture, and he winked again, which only made my smile stretch wider.

  “I like this,” he whispered in my ear, one finger gently flicking the lace on my sleeve before turning to his breakfast. I tried to be coy and humble, but it was futile. My grin was so wide it bordered on painful. Compliments from Drew were like a warm hug to my heart.

  Gabbie fussed over baby Harry and talked easily with the guests, making up for my nervousness and Drew’s gruff surliness. I might know the man behind that brusque façade he wore so well, but the other people sitting at the table seemed to go to great pains to look anywhere but at Drew. It didn’t appear to bother Drew, and yet I felt a spark of irritation. He was a good man who left the military because he wasn’t able to save everyone. If only they knew him like I did.

  After the awkward breakfast, Drew slipped away to make a phone call to Dillon while Gabbie took the opportunity to spend some time with her grandmother. I found myself in the back garden that separated the main house from the converted barn. While it was slowly creeping through spring, a few of the flowers still blossomed with bright colors, and it was a smell that brought a pain to my heart. It reminded me of Rebecca’s floral shop in Claymont, Bouquets. I missed working there. I missed the beautiful flowers that embraced my day with soft perfumes, spiking my senses with their individual scents and exotic petals.

  Thinking Grandma Catalina wouldn’t mind if I took just one, I grabbed the stem of a rose, and even though I was being careful not to catch a thorn, I of course did and was immediately rewarded with a sharp pain in my finger. Pulling my hand away, I watched the bead of blood pool on my skin. The world around me began to disappear, black spots invaded my vision, and suddenly, I wasn’t in the garden anymore.

  Pain, so much pain I thought I might die from it. An agonizing, ripping sensation erupted from between my thighs, and I tried to scream. Oh god, how I tried. But all that came out was a silent cry while my mind did the screaming for me. Disbelief warred with fear so thick it consumed me and threatened to take me from this nightmare. I both welcomed and dreaded passing out. While it might take me away from this hell, it would also leave me completely vulnerable. Like I wasn’t already defenseless; the pull on my wrists as I tried to escape the intrusion reminded me I was bound to the bed and would not be leaving any time so
on. I was captured, tied down like an animal, and completely unable to fight back and protect myself. Suddenly, all the fight left my body, and I sagged into the mattress that moved in time with his thrusts. Then his hideous face was right before mine, eyes so dark and filled with a manic excitement that was completely fathomless. He grinned as he breathed heavily through the assault, and while those evil eyes and that monster smile should have captured my attention, it was the blood on his cheek that stole my gaze. I knew it wasn’t his blood, it was mine. He was covered in it, bathed in it. He was breaking me, just like he promised, and I couldn’t fight back.

  “Mine,” he growled.

  The word brought my attention back to him and that terrifying gaze. Although he was taking something from me that would ultimately leave me completely shattered, I was not his.

  “Never,” I whispered.

  “Drew!” The frantic scream broke through the foggy vision.

  It took me a long time to figure out where I was, the damp grass on my back reminding me of Grandma Catalina’s garden. Then I noticed the smell of forest and flowers, before finally remembering the sting in my finger and the blood . . . so much blood. Forcing my eyes open, I found Gabbie’s panicked face hovering above mine.

  “Oh shit, Lola. Are you okay? Where are you hurt?” she asked.

  Her concern was beyond simple worry; it was flat out fear. But that couldn’t be right. Gabbie never lost control. She never panicked. She was calm and collected, always.

  “Lola?” she demanded just as heavy footsteps pounding the earth drew closer.

  “Fuck, what happened?” Drew asked, his voice just as raw as Gabbie’s.

  “I don’t know. I walked out on the back porch, and she just collapsed.”

  “Mouse?” Drew’s strong hand took mine as his finger searched for the pulse at my wrist. After a moment that big warm hand slipped from my wrist and engulfed mine, and I held it tight in the hope his presence alone would fend off the memory that had crept into my unprepared mind. The vision felt like a raw abrasion, throbbing and painful.

  “It’s okay,” I whispered, though I wasn’t trying to soothe Drew and Gabbie. I was trying to keep myself in the here and now. “I’m okay.”

  I was lifted from the ground, trapped within the safe embrace of Drew’s powerful arms.

  “Did you have a panic attack?” he asked as he carried me towards the barn, Gabbie briskly walking alongside us.

  I wasn’t sure what had happened, but I hated how upset Gabbie and Drew were. “I’m sorry,” I murmured, my body shaking uncontrollably. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  Drew grunted, and Gabbie snorted as she pushed open the front door. Drew carried me into the living area, and I was gently lowered to the cozy couch. When Drew tried to pull away, I grabbed at his hand like a mad woman. This connection was something I needed right now. I felt like glass that had been dropped and cracked, and his hands were the only thing holding me together.

  “It’s okay, Mouse. I’m just grabbing a blanket.”

  Realizing there was no way I was letting go of him, Drew leaned as far over as he could, reaching for a blanket thrown over the back of the neighboring seat. He wrapped it around my shoulders then sat on the coffee table directly in front of me.

  A glass with amber liquid was thrust into his hand, and Drew sniffed it before gifting Gabbie with an arched brow. I watched her shrug and some sort of silent conversation went on between them before Drew huffed and handed me the glass.

  “Drink,” he commanded.

  Obediently, I raised the glass and took a sip which was promptly followed by a coughing fit. Whatever was in the glass, it burned the skin off my throat and filled my chest with warmth.

  “I know you don’t drink alcohol, but it will help. It's scotch,” Gabbie explained.

  “It’s easier if you drink it quickly,” added Drew.

  Raising the glass to my lips again, I tossed the liquid back, more prepared for the burn this time. My chest still heaved its way through another coughing fit, but it didn’t sound like I was coughing up a lung.

  “Good girl.” His praise made me melt into a puddle, and my body sagged into the cushions that surrounded me. “You need a doctor?”

  “No,” I shook my head.

  “You wanna tell me what that was out there?”

  “Memories,” I confessed on a breath.

  Gabbie leaned forward and pressed her lips hard to my forehead. “Mi pobre pequeño guerrero,” she whispered roughly before turning and leaving the barn.

  “What did she say?” I wondered out loud.

  “She called you a warrior.”

  A warrior? Definitely not. Had I been a warrior, I would have escaped Ben that night before he could have hurt me. I wouldn’t have been violated, and I wouldn’t be sitting here on this couch trying to fend off the world with a warm, knitted blanket.

  Drew watched me carefully as silence settled upon us. It wasn’t uncomfortable, and the liquor I had just sucked down made me feel sleepy.

  “You remembered the attack?” Drew broached.

  “Some.”

  “Do you want to call David and talk to him about it?”

  “No.”

  “You wanna talk to me about it?”

  God no. I just wanted to forget it. David said my memories of that night may or may not come back. Foolishly, I had hoped they would never return. He also suggested triggers might recall certain memories.

  “The blood,” I said, rubbing the dull ache in my finger where the thorn had pricked me. “A rose thorn pricked me, and it bled. I think it triggered the memory.”

  “You’ve seen blood, in Thailand,” Drew noted.

  “This time it was my blood.”

  Letting out a long sigh, Drew rubbed his thumb back and forth across my wrist, helping the tension in my body melt away. “How about I put a movie on, and we just hang out in here for a while?”

  “I’d like that.”

  While Drew searched through Gabbie’s small collection for a ‘safe movie,’ I pulled the blanket higher up around my neck. While I wanted to close my eyes and leave the last few moments far behind, I was scared of falling asleep. The only thing worse than remembering, was reliving those moments while trapped in sleep. Drew’s big body filled the space beside me.

  “If I fall asleep, will you wake me if I seem to be having a nightmare?”

  “Of course I will, Mouse. I got you.”

  Pulling me closer to his side, I laid my head on his hard chest and allowed the strong beat of his heart to lull me into an unsettled sleep.

  CHAPTER 29

  DREW

  “I feel like I’m being split in two.” The words were gruff off my lips as I held my cell phone to my ear, my shoulders slumped with defeat.

  “How so?” David asked, his voice calm and steady.

  “I’m not used to feeling so fucking helpless. On one hand I don’t want her out of my sight, on the other hand I want to go find this fucker and rip him to pieces. Slowly.”

  “You’re a man of action, Drew, it would be odd if you didn’t want to be out there in the thick of it. Where you are is where you need to be right now. You’re not just keeping Lola safe, you are helping her heal. Trust the authorities to handle this.”

  Frustration beat at me and the tension thrumming through my body made me feel like a volatile livewire ready to snap at any moment.

  “I can’t protect her from her memories.”

  “Of course you can’t,” David said, matter-of-factly. “Nobody can, but Lola is strong enough to survive those memories, she just needs a rock to lean on when it gets tough. Being that supportive friend is helping her more than you’ll ever probably realize.”

  I almost snorted at the idea of being Lola’s ‘friend’. The word seemed insignificant when compared with what I felt for her.

  “Tell her to call me if she needs me.” David said, and I grunted out a short ‘thanks’ before disconnecting the call.

  Slippi
ng my phone in my back pocket I somehow refrained from putting my fist through the wall. Futility was an emotion I had fast become acquainted with since meeting Lola, but now, I wanted—no, I needed—to make something bleed. I’d even tried to get one of the other team members out here to help Gabbie with protecting Lola, so I could do something proactive to help keep Lola safe. If that meant taking out Ben myself, I’d fucking do it. However, Dillon had been adamant that he didn’t have a spare set of hands. I’m sure that was simply his way of keeping me and my temper contained. I hadn’t told him my plans to take Ben Crane out, but he was a man with a woman; he knew where my head was at.

  The door to my right opened, and I turned to see Gabbie standing in skin tight yoga pants and a barely there tank top. The hard gleam in her eyes told me her mind and temper was sitting in the same place as mine.

  “Go get changed, we need to let off some steam.”

  Silently agreeing, I slipped into the barn. Lola was in the kitchen banging around pots and pans.

  “What’s all the noise about, Mouse?” I murmured, walking up behind her but being careful not to touch her. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to, but I wasn’t sure if the memories that had taken her down this morning were having any lingering effects where men and touch were concerned.

  She spun around and grinned, her smile real and reaching her eyes. “Gabbie showed me we have all the ingredients to bake. I’m going to a make chocolate cake.”

  In her excitement, her arms wrapped around my middle, and she squeezed me tight. I retuned the hug, placing a hand on the back of her head to hold her in place.

  “You should have told me you liked to bake. I’d have made sure you had ingredients at the apartment.”

  We’d been living together for months, and I knew she cooked, but to think I’d been missing out on a chocolate cake . . . damn!

  “Gabbie and I are going on a run, then we might spar out back for a bit. You okay here by yourself for a while?”