by Teresa Roman
“Um, is my dad there?”
“Your dad?”
I was about to tell whoever it was that they’d got the wrong number when the girl on the other end of the line said, “Yeah, my dad, Alex.”
I couldn’t find any words.
“Hello,” the girl said.
I managed to choke out. “Just a minute.”
Alex had just returned from the bathroom. In a daze, I stood up and handed him the phone.
“Who is it?” he mouthed.
“It’s … it’s your daughter.” The one you told me you didn’t have.
I couldn’t decipher his expression. He took the phone and pressed it to his ear, then he turned his back to me. Not that it mattered. I had no intention of standing there and listening in on his conversation. Instead, I headed down the hallway and into my bedroom, closing the door behind myself.
I sat on my bed, hoping Alex was smart enough to just leave without trying to explain why he’d lied to me. But after a few minutes, he knocked on my door.
“Go away,” I said, fuming.
He opened the door, and I cursed myself for not locking it. “It’s not what you think,” he said, walking over to me.
“What I think is that you’re a liar.” I stared up at him, picturing his daughter with Alex’s beautiful blue eyes, and tried to imagine why he would deny her. What kind of person would do something like that? “You told me more than once that you didn’t have any children.”
“No, I didn’t,” Alex insisted.
He hadn’t come right out and said those specific words, but he had to know that’s what I assumed giving everything else he’d said. “You told me that you didn’t think you could have a child. Clearly that was a lie.”
“I didn’t lie. Leah isn’t my daughter. At least not technically.”
“So, her name is Leah?”
He nodded. “Yes.”
“Is she your stepdaughter?”
He shook his head.
“If she’s not your daughter, then why did she refer to you as her dad?”
“Because that’s what she thinks I am.”
“What are you not telling me?” I asked, my building frustration causing my voice to rise.
He stared at me for a moment before answering. “Kristi cheated on me. Leah isn’t my daughter, at least not biologically. I only found out a few months ago while we were in the middle of our divorce.”
My first instinct was to reach for his hand and comfort him. But as bad as I felt for him, that didn’t excuse his lie. “Biology aside, she’s still your daughter,” I said. “We’ve been dating for a few weeks, not to mention all the time we spent together before that, and you haven’t said a word about her.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “This situation is so hard for me to talk about.”
I shook my head and took a few steps backward. “I don’t think I can do this, Alex. Relationships require trust. You didn’t trust me enough to tell me about Leah, and now that I found out about her, I feel like I can’t trust you.”
“I was going to tell you eventually.”
I wanted to believe him, but how could I? Tears formed in the corners of my eyes. I fought them back. I did not want Alex to see me cry.
This was ridiculous, we’d only been dating a few weeks. Why was I so broken up over some lie? I reminded myself that when I’d agreed to give us a chance, I’d asked him not to lie to me, and he’d promised he wouldn’t. But he had anyway. I couldn’t trust him. If he could lie about something major like whether or not he had children, then he could lie about anything. I did not need that in my life.
Alex just stood there pleading with his eyes.
“I want you to leave.”
“Vanessa, please don’t do this. I’m sorry, I really am. I know I should’ve told you sooner, but—”
“There’s nothing left to say.” I crossed my arms. “I can’t be with someone I don’t trust.”
“Vanessa—”
“I asked you to leave.”
He must’ve heard the anger in my voice because, after staring at me for a moment, he finally said, “I’ll go. But it’s not over. It can’t be. You have to give me another chance.”
Alex turned and walked away. After I heard the front door shut behind him, I let out the breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding. I wiped my eyes with the back of my trembling hands. I didn’t want the kids to see that I was upset when they returned home later.
While I waited for Marla to come back, I thought about how I was going to explain to the kids that Alex wasn’t Mommy’s boyfriend anymore. The thought made me sick to my stomach. Jacob and Lydia really liked him. They’d already been through so much emotional turmoil in their lives. Those years of hearing their mom and dad argue were bad enough, then they’d had to grieve the death of their father, and now, just as they’d welcomed someone new into their lives, I was going to have to turn things upside down for them, again. I wished I’d never introduced them to Alex. I wished I hadn’t let him talk me into giving him a chance. I was right when I’d told Marla I didn’t know what I was doing when it came to men. Somehow, I always chose wrong. I’d only given Alex a chance because things were supposed to be different with him.
I busied myself with cleaning the house to keep my mind off Alex. Two hours later, Marla returned. Her kids and mine ran into the house, buzzing with excitement thanks to the sugar from all the soda and candy they’d had at the theater.
“Thank you for taking them to the movies,” I said to Marla after she followed them inside.
“No need to thank me. We had a good time. Right, guys?”
“Yeah,” all five of them shouted together.
“How was the movie?” I asked.
“It was really good,” Jacob said.
I turned to Lydia. “Did you like it too?”
“Yeah.”
I smiled. It was rare that they both enjoyed the same things these days. I glanced at the clock. It was close to five. “Do you guys want me to make spaghetti for dinner? Or are you still too full of candy and popcorn?”
“I’m never too full for spaghetti,” Jacob said.
“Me neither,” his sister agreed. “I can help you make it if you want me to.”
She was always asking to do things with me in the kitchen. But six was a little too young to be chopping onions or filling heavy pots full of water. “It’s okay. I got it under control. Why don’t you and Jacob go play with Abby and her brothers? I’ll call you when dinner is ready.”
The kids took off down the hallway. I started pulling out all the ingredients I needed for dinner. “You’re staying for dinner, right?” I asked, looking over my shoulder at Marla.
“Sure.” She took a seat at the table. “So how’d things go with Alex?”
“Not good. It’s over between us.”
Marla’s eyes widened. “What? How come?”
“He’s a liar. And I’m not interested in dating someone I can’t trust.”
“Good grief.” She ran a hand through her hair. “You were supposed to be telling me about the mind-blowing sex you and Alex had for the first time. Not that you guys broke up. What exactly did he lie about?”
“He told me more than once that he doesn’t have any children. But he actually does.” I bit my lip. Just thinking about it made me boil over with anger. “A daughter named Leah.”
Marla’s jaw dropped. “How did you find out?”
I told her about Alex asking me to answer his phone while he was in the bathroom.
“I bet he wishes he never told you to do that.”
“I’m glad he did because, if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have found out the truth.”
“Did he tell you why he lied? He’s got to have a reason.”
“His ex-wife cheated on him, so Leah is not biologically his. Apparently he only found out a few months ago, which is why he didn’t tell me. He said it was too hard for him to talk about.”
“That makes sense.”
“I’ve dated half a dozen men since my divorce,” she said, “and they’ve all been jerks. Alex is different. You shouldn’t throw away what the two of you have without giving him another chance.”
“You’re supposed to be on my side. Not Alex’s.”
“I’m not taking his side. I’m just telling you not to be so quick to pass judgment.”
The sound of footsteps coming down the hallway stopped our conversation short. Jacob led the way into the living room with Lydia and Marla’s kids trailing behind him. He turned on the TV.
“Is it okay if we play Super Smash Bros for a while?”
“Sure,” I said, thankful for the interruption. Talking about Alex was only making me feel worse. I was so angry and hurt that I didn’t even want to think about him.
17
Alex waited until Monday to call. Maybe he thought giving me some time would help me to calm down. But time hadn’t changed anything. The sound of his voice on the other end of the phone made me boil over again.
“Why are you calling? I told you it was over.”
“We need to talk. You have to give me a chance to explain.”
“I already did.”
“There’s a lot more to this story.”
“Then go ahead. I’m listening.”
“Not over the phone. It has to be in person.”
“No, that’s not happening.” I hung up before he could respond. One look into those blue eyes of his and I’d be done. He’d come up with some excuse for his lies, and I’d forgive him because, no matter how angry I was, I had feelings for him that I couldn’t just turn off no matter how badly I wanted to. That’s what had happened with Ryan. He’d thrown so many red flags at me while we’d dated, but every time I got close to walking away, he’d plead with me to stay. I could not make a mistake like that again, especially now that there was more than my heart at stake. I had to think about Jacob and Lydia. And there was also Alex’s daughter Leah to consider.
For the next few hours, my anger and pain fueled me, helping me get through hours of sifting through emails and returning calls. But when the time came for me to pick up the kids from school, I was mentally and physically drained, even though the day was barely half over. I made the kids frozen pizza and chicken nuggets for dinner rather than cooking them a real meal. By the end of the week, I finally realized something. I wasn’t angry anymore. My heart just plain hurt. I struggled to keep from crying. There was an emptiness inside of me, and nothing I did helped to fill it.
To make things worse, that awful voice inside my head returned, telling me I deserved the heartache. I’d promised Ryan that if he passed before me, I wouldn’t be with anyone else. Although, back then, I never really imagined that Ryan would die at such a young age.
But despite that voice, I found myself thinking about Alex more often than I wanted. I missed our morning workouts and the conversations that came with them. But more than anything, I missed the way his lips felt on mine. Every time I realized where my mind had taken me, I shook my head, willing all thoughts of Alex out of my mind. I didn’t need them, and I didn’t need him.
It would have been infinitely easier to put Alex behind me if it weren’t for his daily calls. Every time the screen of my phone lit up with his number, I had to fight with myself not to answer. It didn’t help that Marla kept bugging me about giving him a chance.
“I can’t be in a relationship without trust,” I told her for the hundredth time.
“I swear you’re the most stubborn person I know,” she said.
A week passed before I woke up one morning and realized that I wasn’t going to be able to put Alex behind me without hearing the part of story he hadn’t had a chance to tell me before I’d kicked him out of my house. Marla had gotten to me and time had given me some perspective. Maybe I was being too hard on Alex. I missed him more than I wanted to. No matter how hard I’d tried, I couldn’t get him out of my head. I got out of bed and texted Marla.
Any chance you can watch Jacob and Lydia for a bit?
If this means that you’re finally listening to me about talking to Alex, then Yes!!!
Yes, that’s what it means.
Ok. I’ll be over in a bit. I made plans with Lynette, so she’s coming too if that’s ok with you.
Of course it is.
I texted Alex next.
Will you be home today? I can come by if you still want to talk.
Yes, I’ll be home, and yes, I still want to talk. Do you remember where I live?
Yes.
I got dressed and went into the kitchen to make breakfast. Just as I finished loading the dishwasher, Marla and Lynette arrived. Marla’s kids were with her ex, but Lynette had brought her daughter. I hadn’t told Jacob and Lydia they were coming over, and the two of them were excited by the surprise visit.
“My mommy’s got a date,” I heard Lydia whisper to Isabel.
I still hadn’t told them that Alex and I had broken up. Every time I’d tried, I couldn’t come up with the right words.
It was May, which in Sacramento meant summer temperatures, so I slipped my feet into a pair of flip-flops.
“Get going, girl.” Marla grabbed my purse, which hung from the doorknob of the coat closet, and handed it to me. “And take as much time as you need.”
“Yes,” Lynette chimed in. “Because I won’t be able to pry Isabel away from Lydia for at least a few hours.”
I loved Marla and Lynette like they were my sisters. “You guys are the best.”
“Jacob, Lydia,” I called out. They lifted their heads to see what I wanted. “I won’t be gone long. You two listen to Marla and Lynette, okay?”
Alex’s house was only a few minutes’ drive from mine. He lived in the Garden of the Gods section of Sacramento, a neighborhood with homes built in the 1950s and streets with names like Adonis Way, Venus Drive, and Daphne Avenue. It was a typical middle-class neighborhood, like mine, but Alex’s home had been remodeled before he’d moved into it, and it had a lot of high-end features that mine didn’t. I parked my car in his driveway and walked up to the front door with my heart pounding in my chest. For a moment, I contemplated turning around and going back home. Instead, I lifted my hand and rang the doorbell. A moment later, Alex answered.
“You came,” he said, running a hand through his messy hair.
I refused to let the somber expression on his face sway me. “You said you wanted to talk, so here I am.” I stepped inside. It was a sunny day, but the shades in his house were down, so it was dark inside. He hadn’t shaved. A five o’clock shadow actually looked good on him. It wasn’t fair that he looked as handsome as ever with almost no effort. Not that it mattered. I wasn’t going to let that sway me.
“You want to sit down?” he asked.
“Sure.” I followed him into the living room and took a seat on the couch. I folded my arms over my chest. He sat beside me.
For a moment, neither of us said anything. Then Alex said, “I’m sorry I lied.” He looked away. “Like I said, this is hard to talk about.”
I waited for him to continue. When he didn’t, I said, “Go on.”
“While Kristi and I were going through our divorce, I asked for joint custody, but Kristi wouldn’t agree. I told her I’d fight for it. That’s when she told me the truth. Leah isn’t mine. Her real dad was some guy she cheated on me with years ago.”
His pained expression tore at my heart. “I’m sorry, Alex.”
“It was devastating, but I told Kristi it didn’t matter, that I still wanted joint custody. So she said if I fought her for it, she’d tell Leah I wasn’t her father. I didn’t want to do that to my little girl. She’s only eleven, and she’s already been through so much, her par
ents fighting all the time then splitting up. Kristi promised that if I agreed to let her have primary custody of Leah, she wouldn’t tell her the truth until we both agreed on the right time and way to do it. She also promised I’d get to see Leah whenever I wanted. But it hasn’t exactly turned out that way.”
“What do you mean?”
“Kristi’s always got some sort of reason why I can’t see Leah. And she’s filling our daughter’s head with all kinds of lies. She’s got Leah convinced she has no idea why I left. Last time I talked to Kristi, she basically said that if I really wanted time with Leah, then I’d forgive her for cheating. She wants things to go back to the way they were before I found out.”
“How can she expect that after everything she’s put you through?”
“Kristi lives in her own personal fantasy world where she can say and do whatever she wants and whoever she hurts will just magically get over it.”
I could relate to that. Ryan had never cheated on me, but he believed he could do no wrong, that just by virtue of being married I should forgive him when he treated me badly.
“What if your ex is lying to you about Leah?” I asked.
Alex shook his head. “She’s not. Believe me, if I had so much as the smallest doubt, I would’ve demanded a DNA test. But I’m not going to put Leah through that for nothing.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Leah looks nothing like me. I’ve always kind of suspected, but I never wanted to admit it to myself. I loved that girl from the second she came into this world, and I always will.”
“You can’t let Kristi get away with what she’s doing, though. It’s not right.”
“Kristi doesn’t make idle threats. If I push too hard, she’ll tell her version of the truth to Leah and break our daughter’s heart just to spite me.”
“And if you don’t, Leah will grow up thinking you’re some deadbeat dad who ran out on her and her mother and doesn’t care to make the time to see his child. That can’t be what you want. Biology or not, you’re Leah’s father in every way that counts.”
“Of course it’s not what I want.”