by Teresa Roman
“I’m telling you from personal experience that having a parent abandon you hurts. A lot.”
He shook his head then lowered it into his open palms. My heart hurt for him. “I wish I knew what the right thing to do was. I thought I was protecting Leah, but oh my God, you should have heard her voice on the phone last week. She’s so sad. And on top of that, I screwed things up between us and ran you off. I swear I’m such a fuck up.”
I put my hand on his back. “No, you’re not.”
“When you mentioned me having a house full of kids one day I was still so bitter about everything that went down between Kristi and I that I couldn’t bring myself to tell you about Leah. I realized I mislead you, but I planned on telling you about her at some point, I swear I did.” He shook his head. “I could never think of the right words to say, though. And then all this time passed, and I knew you’d be mad at me for not being honest, so I kept chickening out of telling you the truth. I’m sorry I lied, and I’m sorry I ruined things between us.”
“You didn’t ruin things.”
He lifted his head and looked at me. “I didn’t?”
I told myself I wasn’t being an idiot. His story made sense. I understood why he’d deceived me. This was something we could put behind us. It had to be, because now that my anger had dissipated, I missed him terribly. “I should’ve given you a chance to explain all this before breaking up with you.”
“And I should’ve told you the truth sooner.”
“Yeah, you should’ve, but I guess I understand why you didn’t.”
“So that means you forgive me?” Alex asked, his expression hopeful.
I nodded.
He shook his head. “I thought I lost you, Vanessa. I’ve been going crazy all week.”
I moved closer to him, putting my hand on the nape of his neck. The look in his eyes tore at me. I was scared to death of forgiving him, but I couldn’t bring myself to walk away. “I’ve been going crazy too. I felt … empty without you.”
As soon as those words were out, his lips were on mine. It felt like a bolt of lightning ran through me. Alex deepened the kiss, pulling me closer. I ran my hands through his hair. I wanted to touch every inch of his body, and I wanted him to do the same to mine. In the space of a few minutes, I’d felt closer to him than I ever had. I was overcome with emotions. My problems with Ryan were different than the ones Alex had with his ex-wife, but I knew how it felt to be hurt by the person you once loved, the person you’d given your heart to. Just like Alex did. I wanted to make things better for him, and I wanted him to do the same for me. Together we could heal each other.
“Oh God, Vanessa, you have no idea what you’re doing to me,” he whispered in my ear.
I just kept kissing him, my lips traveling the length of his neck. I reached for the hem of his shirt and lifted it. He finished the job, yanking it over his head in one swift motion. I ran my hands over his sculpted chest and felt his heart drumming under my fingertips.
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes.” I kissed him again.
He lifted me in his arms in one swift motion and carried me down the hall and into his bedroom. He slammed the door shut behind us before laying me down on his bed and making me feel things I hadn’t in a very long time.
After, as I lay in Alex’s arms, he apologized again.
“I’m really sorry that I lied to you, Vanessa. I promise it won’t happen again.”
“I believe you.”
Alex eased me off his chest and turned on his side, propping his head up with his arm so he could look down at me. “You know what else I’m sorry for?” I shook my head, and he continued. “That someone hurt you so much that you don’t trust yourself anymore.”
I wondered how he knew. It was like he had reached inside my head and read my thoughts. “My bullshit radar sucks.”
“Which was part of the reason why you were so angry with me?” he asked tucking a few stray hairs behind my ear.
I nodded.
“I could promise you that I’m different, but that would just be words,” he said. “Instead, I’m going to show you. Every single day for as long as you let me. And if I somehow screw up and say or do something stupid, then I promise I’ll fix it. You just have to give me the chance.”
I smiled. “I will. Or at least I’ll try to. I’ll remind myself that you’re the same Alex you were back in high school. It’s been a long time, but you haven’t changed.” I might’ve doubted that at first, but after what he’d just told me about Leah and the way he struggled to do the right thing by her no matter how much it hurt him, I realized it was true. He was a good man. One of a kind.
“I’d like to think I’m a little better looking than I was back then,” Alex teased.
I ran my hands over his muscled chest and shoulders. “Why? Because of all this?”
He smiled. “You noticed?”
“Well, I’m not blind,” I said. “But just so you know, I’d like you even if you didn’t look like an underwear model.”
“You think I look like an underwear model?”
Before I could answer, he pressed his lips on mine. He lowered himself on top of me. I felt him stiffen and realized that he wanted me again. The thought excited me. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer, ready for him, but this time Alex took his time, touching me and teasing me with his lips and his tongue before making love to me again.
“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” he asked after, looking down at me in such an intimate way it made my face heat and my heart quicken.
“You’ve mentioned it a time or two.” I didn’t really see myself that way and hadn’t since Jacob was born. Before I became a mother, guys had regularly stared at or hit on me, but having a baby strapped to your chest in a carrier changed things. Not that I cared. Being a mother was more important to me than attracting attention. And my troubles with Ryan had me so turned off by men in general that I didn’t think I’d ever care again whether or not one of them found me attractive.
Alex kissed me before easing himself down beside me. I reached for his hand, lacing my fingers through his. My mind wandered as I lay there. Eventually my thoughts settled on Alex and his issues with his ex-wife and daughter. Biology or not, Leah was his. He’d raised her, and he obviously loved her. It wasn’t fair that he didn’t get to be a part of her life.
“What are you thinking about?” Alex asked.
“Your daughter.” I looked up at him. “I think you should fight for her. You should ask for joint custody.”
“You don’t know how bad I want to. But I don’t want Leah’s world turned upside down.”
“The truth won’t be easy for her to hear at any age. You can’t keep it from her forever.” I laced my fingers through his. “Besides, it isn’t fair for your ex to keep you away from your daughter. It’s obvious Leah wants you in her life. She wouldn’t be calling you if she didn’t.”
“I’m worried it’s too late. The divorce papers and custody arrangement have already been signed. I can’t undo that.”
“No. But what you can do is get yourself a lawyer. One that will explain to the courts why you agreed to let Kristi have primary custody of Leah in the first place and help you fight to get your rights back.”
Alex shook his head. “The thought of dragging Leah into a messy fight between her mother and me makes me sick. And when she finds out the truth—”
“It’ll hurt. But barely getting to see you has to hurt too,” I said. “It’s not too late to do something about it. The sooner you find a lawyer, the better.”
Alex stared into my eyes. “If I do, will you help me? Will you be by my side? Cause I’m not sure I could go through that alone.”
“Don’t worry.” I pulled him into a kiss. “You won’t have to.”
18
Alex wanted to take me somewhere for lunch, but I’d already been gone far longer than I’d planned on, so somehow I managed to peel myself away from him.
“I wish you could stay longer,” he said as he walked me to the door.
I turned and rested my hand on his chest. “I’ll see you Monday, at the gym.”
He gave me a kiss. Then I turned back around, got into my car, and drove home.
When I arrived, Marla not-so-subtly suggested to the kids that it was such a nice day that they really should go outside and play in the backyard for a bit. As soon as the patio door closed behind them, she spun around.
“So … you’ve been gone for a while.”
“Spill the beans,” Lynette commanded.
I couldn’t stop my smile.
“I take it that means you two made up,” Marla said.
I bit my lower lip, remembering the way Alex’s hands had felt on my body. “Yeah.”
Marla put her hands on her hips. “So, what did Alex say?”
“I’m not sure I should tell. It’s kind of personal.”
“C’mon, it’s not like we’re going to tell him that you told us,” Lynette urged.
“Okay. Fine.” I took a seat on the couch. Marla and Lynette flanked either side of me. “Alex didn’t find out that his ex-wife cheated on him and that Leah wasn’t his biological daughter until they were going through their divorce. He wanted joint custody anyway, but his ex threatened to tell Leah the truth. She said if he agreed to give her primary custody, she’d keep her mouth shut and let him see Leah whenever he wanted. But she’s apparently reneged on the second part of that promise.”
Lynette put her hand to her mouth. “Oh my God.”
“That explains why he didn’t want to talk about Leah,” Marla said.
“I probably shouldn’t say more than that. This whole thing has been really hard on Alex.”
“But you two are back on track, right?” Marla asked. “You can at least tell me that, can’t you?”
“Yes, we are.”
“Thanks to who?” Marla asked, a satisfied smile on her face.
I smiled back. “To you.”
“Well, I’m just glad you’re happy,” Lynette said. “Because if anyone deserves to be, it’s you.”
I gave her a hug. “Thanks for helping watch the kids.”
“It’s no big deal. You know Isabel loves coming over here to play.”
Marla, Lynette, and Isabel hung out for another hour. After they left, I sat back down on the couch in the living room and stared outside at the kids playing in the back yard. Lydia and Jacob were filthy from digging in the dirt. I was glad I hadn’t told them that Alex and I had split up. I guessed a part of me had hoped that it wasn’t for good.
It was such a beautiful day that I decided to fill two glasses with lemonade and bring them outside for the kids. While they played, I sat reading a book, but I was too distracted thinking about Alex to get through more than a few pages.
Alex and I fell back into our usual routine. On Monday, after dropping the kids off at school, I drove to the gym, anxious to get back to exercising after skipping my workouts for a whole week. I didn’t ask Alex any more questions about Leah, and he didn’t mention her either. I figured when he was ready to talk about her, he would. It turned out I didn’t have to wait long.
A few days later, halfway through our workout, he announced, “I hired a lawyer.” His tone was so casual, like he was telling me he’d just bought a new grill for his backyard, but his eyes gave him away.
“You did? That’s great. What did he say?”
“She, actually, her name’s Linda Allen. She thinks I’ve got a good case.”
“Oh, Alex.” I pressed the pause button on the treadmill and slowed my pace. “That’s amazing.”
“I’ve got a huge battle ahead. But I’m ready to fight.”
“So what’s the first step?”
“Linda’s filing a petition for joint custody with the courts in a few days. She’s getting the paperwork ready as we speak.”
I smiled. “I can’t wait to meet your daughter.”
Alex slowed his pace, eventually stopping and hopping off the treadmill. “I can’t wait for you to meet her either. But it might not be for a while. When Kristi finds out what I’m doing, she’s gonna be pissed. I’m kind of nervous about what she’ll do.”
“She can’t do anything.”
“She can tell Leah the truth. And then she’ll tell Leah what a horrible person I am. Over and over. Leah lives with Kristi. She spends a lot of time around her. What if she starts believing her mom and doesn’t want to see me?”
I jumped off my treadmill and took Alex’s hand. “That’s not going to happen. If anything, Leah will be pissed at her mother for talking bad about you.”
“Oh God. I hope you’re right.”
“I am right,” I said. “And when this is all over and you finally get to spend time with Leah again, we’ll all go out to celebrate. You, me, and our kids.”
“That sounds amazing. You have no idea how bad I want that to happen.”
“It will.”
He inched closer to me and leaned in, resting his forehead on mine. “Any chance we can cut this workout short and head back to my place?”
My face heated. I bit my lower lip. “I’ll go get my things.”
A few minutes later, I was in my car, racing over to Alex’s house. He’d beat me there and was already unlocking his door by the time I pulled into his driveway. After he closed the door behind us, he pulled me closer and kissed me. I peeled his shirt off first then mine. Bit by bit, our clothes came off, falling to the floor and leaving a trail on the way to his bedroom. My heart thudded in my chest as he lay me down on his bed.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said, looking straight into my eyes.
What I saw in his expression sent my heart racing even more than it had been. I reached for him and wrapped my legs around his back. I wasn’t as good with words as he was, but I knew how to show him what I was feeling.
“What if I call in sick to work today?” he asked later as we lay in each other’s arms.
“I wish, but I’ve got a mountain of work to do today.” I turned to my side to check my phone, which rested on Alex’s bedside table. Time had gone by way faster than I’d wanted it to. “As a matter of fact, I should get going.”
It was next to impossible to get my head back into work after my morning with Alex, but I didn’t have much of a choice. The company I worked for had gone on a hiring spree, and I had a lot to catch up on. As soon as I picked up the kids from school, I went right back to my computer. It was next to the last week of school, and I needed to get as much work done as I could before summer break.
The next two weeks seemed to fly by. On the kids’ last day of school, we celebrated with frozen yogurt. Alex had taken a half day off work to come with us. As I watched the kids pile gummy worms, sprinkles, and whipped cream on their frozen yogurt, he whispered to me, “I can’t wait for Leah to meet Jacob and Lydia. I just know she’ll love them. She’s always complained about being an only child.”
“If she’s anything like you, they’ll love her too.”
“Love who, Mommy?” Lydia asked.
I hadn’t realized she’d been close enough to hear. I glanced at Alex, wondering if it was okay to talk about Leah. He gave me a quick nod.
“I haven’t told you guys this before, but Alex has a daughter. She’s eleven, and her name is Leah.”
Jacob furrowed his brow and looked up at Alex. “Wait, I thought you didn’t have any kids.”
“It’s … sort of complicated,” Alex said.
Thankfully Jacob didn’t press the issue.
“What’s she like?” Lydia asked.
“She’s a little bit shy, just like you. But she’s really smart and kind.”
“Is she already out of school for the summer?” Jacob asked. I could see the wheels turning in his head. He was probably already mentally planning a playdate with her. He loved having someone new to play video games with. He got tired of playing with his sister all the time since she was only six and
beating her wasn’t much of a challenge.
“I think she’s got another week, actually,” Alex replied. There were a handful of different school districts in the Sacramento area, and they all followed their own schedules.
“So if you and my mommy get married, then she’ll be my stepsister, right?” Lydia asked.
I almost choked on the water I was drinking.
“Um, yeah. That’s right,” Alex said.
“Cool. I always wanted a sister.” Lydia scooped a spoonful of frozen yogurt into her mouth.
I glanced at Alex out of the corner of my eye, wondering what he was thinking. We hadn’t been dating long enough to even think about marriage, and he was on the cusp of an epic custody battle. For a moment, I pictured what it would be like. Me, Alex, and our kids spending lazy weekends in Monterey or having fun on the boardwalk in Santa Cruz, during the summer when it was over a hundred degrees in Sacramento. We’d watch as the kids splashed in the water at the shoreline, shrieking as the cold water lapped up their legs. It was a happy thought.
I wanted to press freeze and keep that mental image pinned in my mind like the kids’ drawings I stuck on the refrigerator door with magnets. But what if things didn’t wind up working out? I’d often thought that happiness was meant for other people. While I was married to Ryan, I’d come to accept that. Now that things were different, I couldn’t help but worry that the strange streak of good luck I’d been having for the past few months would one day vanish.
19
On the last Monday in June, the kids started a week of camp at the Sacramento Zoo, and I received a phone call from the last person I expected to hear from. I didn’t usually pick up the phone when I didn’t recognize the number on caller ID, but with the kids in camp, I worried it was a counselor calling to tell me one of them had gotten injured.
“Is Vanessa there?” the man on the other end asked.
“Who’s calling?”
“It’s Rick, Ryan’s brother,” he replied. “I tried calling him, but his phone is disconnected. Can you give me his new number?”