by Lauren Dane
That question made him physically recoil. “I would never hit her. Fuck you for even asking me that question, Damien. I love her. Why aren’t you asking what she did to me?”
“Really? Paddy, are you serious with that?”
“I’ve never in my life worked as hard to gain someone’s trust as I did with her. I was patient. I put her first. Always. And she comes to me and shows me this bullshit interview her dad sold to the tabs. She knew for a whole day before she told me. She talked to Ezra about it first. And then when I was yelling at Ez, she took his side.”
“So it’s over, then? I’m confused because I saw your reaction to her last night. I saw you fucking light up when she came in. I saw the way you touched her, the way you spoke to her. Your entire being changes when you talk about her, when you’re with her. I’ve watched you fuck through dozens of women you didn’t even remember the next day. Natalie is different.”
“I’m not denying she’s different, and who’s saying it’s over? We had a fight. I told her we’d deal with it when I got off tour. It’s only three weeks at this point. I was harsher than I should have been, but I said we weren’t breaking up. I figured she’d sleep it off, and we’d probably make up today. I didn’t actually expect her to go. When I get back home, we’ll work it through. I need some time. I’m going to take a shower. We’ll head over to the venue in a bit.”
“I just hope it’s not too late.”
Why was everyone making such a big deal out of a dumb fight? Yes, he’d been a dick, but wasn’t he allowed a button or two? “What the hell, D? Too late? Why are you talking like this is something more than it is? It was an argument. She and I have argued before. You and Mary fight. That doesn’t mean it’s over. People fight. Hell, Mom and Dad fight like whoa sometimes.”
“Ezra’s hurt. You said some shit to him. But he’s your brother. You two have that relationship. But whatever you said to him, you said it in front of her. He refused to say what it was, but he said you did some damage. He’s smart that way. Don’t let your ego overrule your common sense.” Damien went to the door. “Text me when you’re ready. I’m going to have to cajole my wife into not maiming you. She’s pretty fond of Natalie.”
“I’m fucking fond of Natalie. God. You guys are acting like I did something horrible. It was a fight. She’ll get over it. Let her lick her wounds. I’ll lick mine. Everything will be fine.”
Even as he said it, he ached. Having her with him the night before had been so good. It had been right to be together.
Until he’d been slapped in the face with that old feeling of not being the guy people relied on. Which was stupid, he knew. She hadn’t meant it that way. But it hurt nonetheless. He indeed needed to lick his wounds and then once he did, he’d do what he intended to do all along and fix things with her.
* * *
WHEN HE DIDN’T call her that day, or the next, or the day after, she realized she’d made the right choice to go. As much as she hated it.
She’d gotten used to him in her life. He’d filled the spaces she hadn’t noticed were empty.
But now she did. She felt every place Paddy had been in. She’d become so used to texting him and sending him little stories about her day that she had to leave her phone home because she kept picking it up and realizing they were over once more.
Tuesday left little treats on her pillow. A pair of earrings, a pretty new mug for her tea, chocolates, a huge bag of bubble gum.
It got her through. That and a lot of writing in her journal and listening to The National and PJ Harvey while she cried.
Tuesday came home on a Saturday, and she took one look at Natalie and sighed. “You, pack a bag, we’re going to Zoe and Jenny’s for the weekend.”
“Ugh. God, no. You’ll all want to go out and do sporty shit, and it’s cold. Plus, I’ll have to get the pity face all weekend long.”
“Pack a bag, Nats. You’ve wallowed and I’ve allowed it because that’s what you needed. Your week is up. Now you need to get the hell out of this house, brush your hair and do something with people who love you.”
Tuesday gave her a look that told Natalie there would be no peace until she assented.
“And shower first.”
On the drive up, Tuesday refused to let her listen to anything sad. “No. You’re done with that. Look, I don’t necessarily think you have to adopt an it’s totally over mind-set. But you have to figure out how to move forward. Wallowing doesn’t do that. You’re bogged down and depressed.”
“I love him. I wish I could just turn it off. But I can’t.”
“So call him. You said yourself he told you he wasn’t breaking up with you.”
“I know. But he hasn’t even checked in. He shut me out, Tuesday. He punished me for sharing with him. His silence is making clear he’s done.”
“I talked to Ezra.”
“Well, see? That’s a conversation we can have instead of this one.”
Tuesday rolled her eyes. “About you and Paddy, actually. Damien says Paddy is breaking down. He’s drinking hard. He goes back to the hotel every night and holes up in his room.”
“Alone?” Even as she said it, Natalie knew it was a dumb accusation.
“Whatever Paddy’s sins are—and I agree what he said to you was shitty and hurtful, and he needs to grovel and grovel some more to make up for it—I am absolutely convinced cheating isn’t on the list. As are you, so stop. The man is an idiot, yes, but he loves you. Anyway, Damien told Ezra that Paddy has convinced himself you two are just fighting, not broken up.”
“I hate that I’m worried about him. I’m the worst. The. Worst.”
Tuesday made one of her get the fuck outta here snorts of dismissal. “Really? I can think of ten people I actually know right off the top of my head who are way worse than you. Your father. Your grandmother. Your mother. The guy at the post office who called me the N word last year. Just to name four. Why are you the worst?”
“Ugh, post-office bigot! Now I’m mad at him all over again. Jerky McJerkFace asshole.”
Tuesday laughed. “You’re like a kitten. So easily distracted. Back to the subject and why you think you’re so terrible.”
“I shouldn’t worry about Paddy. And then I think, well, maybe I should have stayed overnight and tried again that next morning to get things resolved. He told me to go, and I just walked away.”
Tuesday heaved a sigh. “You tried to stay. You made a conscious choice not to leave, but to stay. For him. And he used some words... Sometimes you say stuff, and it hurts, but you can move past it. Other stuff? He pulled all those triggers you have. And he should know that.”
“Why is Ezra getting all this from Damien, anyway? He and Paddy are tight.”
“They’re not talking. He said some nasty stuff to Ezra, too. He sees Ezra as taking your side.”
So Paddy didn’t even have Ezra to lean on? “Ezra is a guiding hand. Even from across the country. He’s all alone.”
Paddy had no one and damn it, she was worried about him. If he and Ezra were fighting, Damien would be put in the middle, and she knew from Mary that she was really angry with Paddy.
Paddy wouldn’t admit it, but Natalie knew him, knew he was lonely, knew, too, that his family filled that need inside him. If he didn’t have that when he was out there on the road, he would have been adrift.
She pulled out her phone.
“What are you doing?”
“Texting Paddy.”
Stop being mad at Ezra and make up with him.
He replied. Really, Nats? Silence for a fucking week and when you finally say something you lecture me? Since you’re obviously so close to him these days, why don’t you tell him to make up with me instead?
Really, Patrick? What exactly are you saying here?
Nothing. Everything. You left.
I tried to stay. You told me to go, and I left with your back turned. You said I ruined everything in your marketing plan. Anyway, it’s done. Ezra loves you and you love him an
d you need him. Call him. Text him. Don’t let another day end with you two not talking.
What about us? You done licking your wounds?
It makes me sad that you see this in those terms.
So gut up, Natalie, and tell me what you feel! How can I know if you don’t tell me? You say nothing for a whole week and I’m supposed to be psychic?
I tried. I came to you. I took time off work and got on a plane and I came to you. I opened myself up, my past, and I showed you that interview. I trusted you, and you accused me of fucking up your marketing plan. You accused me of betraying you by finding out from someone else, as if I could control that even if it did make a difference. How do you think that makes me feel?
I was angry. You should have trusted me to fix that situation with your dad.
I did! I told you, I got on a plane and I came to you. I put my heart in your hands. And you threw a tantrum because what? I couldn’t bend space time and have you tell me instead of Ezra? And I’ve replayed exactly what you said in my head over and over and over again. You need to practice some introspection.
I have to go. It’s showtime.
She didn’t reply for a bit. Have a good show. Talk to your brother. You need each other.
She started to tuck the phone back in her bag when she got one last text. Don’t give up on us.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
AFTER THE SHOW, he took Mary aside. “I know you’re mad at me. But I love you just the same.”
She rolled her eyes but allowed him to kiss her cheek. “You have a lot of making up to do. My being mad at you is the least of your problems.”
“There’s less than two weeks left. I need to finish and go home, and then I can fix it.”
They walked together through a gauntlet of people. Damien in front of Mary, Vaughan on one side and Paddy behind her. She was tired, and the last thing any of them wanted was her getting jostled.
Vaughan flirted as they went, but it was more automatic than genuine. Paddy had noticed his brother had been a little melancholy, but he’d been so wrapped up in his own stuff, he hadn’t reached out. Being without Natalie, the silence that had yawned open where there’d been so much intensity of connection had done his head in.
And the text exchange they’d had right before he’d walked onstage...
Like he had every night since she’d gone, he headed straight back to the hotel. But instead of grabbing a bottle, he took a shower, and after he’d gotten out, he picked up his phone and listened to the series of voice mails from Ezra that he’d been ignoring.
And then he called.
“What?”
“Jesus, Ez, that’s what you’ve got to say?”
“After a week and five voice mails to you that have gone unanswered, you’re lucky that’s all I said. I tried to help. She came to you. I’m sorry you think I should have circumvented her to give you a link when you were on tour on the other side of the damned country.”
“I’m sorry. I’m... Fuck. I’m sorry, Ezra. Having her trust me and rely on me was this badge of honor, I guess. Something I’d worked hard for and earned. It made me proud. I messed up.” All his life, it had been Ezra everyone thought was the responsible one. When his brother kicked, it was that Ezra was so strong. Finally, Paddy had felt responsible. “She made me feel important in a way I never have before.”
“Because she loves you. You fucked up big-time.”
“I’m sorry I said all that stuff to you about trying to do my job.”
“You know I’d never step in between you and her. Asshole. Have you made things right with her? I talked to Tuesday. She told me every night Natalie holes up in her room listening to weepy music, crying and writing in her journal.”
His stomach hurt just thinking about it. “She texted me today. Told me to make up with you. That I needed you.” And she’d been right. Ezra was his compass in many ways. “She accused me of saying she fucked up my marketing plan.”
“You did. Well, you accused her of fucking up the marketing plan because the tabloids were making her out to be a dope-addled skank, and if that story got legs, it would mess everything up. You said her need to control everything screwed things up.”
“I didn’t.”
“You did. I yelled at you to shut up over and over, but you refused to listen. That’s when she hung up and tried to get you to listen to her. Then you accused her of taking my side. I don’t even know what came over you, Paddy, but you did some damage. You’re lucky she loves you. You can make this right. Don’t leave it undone.”
She’d been away from him, alone as she had to process all the stuff he’d said. Yes, she’d hurt him, but he’d hurt her, too. He’d hurt her worse because he had thought it was a dumb fight they’d make up from, and she’d been thinking he’d broken things off.
Now that he had time to think on it, she had stayed. Even in the middle of a fight—and he knew how much she hated to fight—she’d given up the control of leaving. She’d stayed to work it out, and he’d pushed her away.
There was a knock on the door. “Hang on a sec,” he told Ezra and opened to find Vaughan there holding his iPad.
“Paddy, what did you do?”
He took it from Vaughan, who followed him inside.
Ezra swore softly. “Jesus, Paddy, I just got an email from Jeremy.”
“I’m reading it now. I was only trying to help.”
Bob Clayton had done another interview, and this one was worse than the first because it included the phone call Paddy had made and the fact that he’d been slurring his words. The piece also contained references to her job as a silly-rich-girl hobby and had less than flattering things to say about her friends.
All in all, this would devastate her.
“You need to call her and tell her. If you want, I can go over there.”
“I need to call Jeremy first. He’s worked up. Then I’ll deal with Natalie.” Paddy paused. “We okay?”
Ezra sighed. “It’d take a lot more than you being a dumbass to chase me off. We all make mistakes, Paddy. Lord knows I have. Call her. Make this right.”
“I’m heading into the last of a tour. I’ll be back in Portland in ten days for our last dates. Hopefully, I can convince her to come to the Rose Garden show. But I’ll call her. I promise.” And he had to hope she’d forgive him.
Vaughan sat, tossing his feet up on the coffee table. “You are so in trouble. I thought I was the one who blew the best thing to ever happen to him. Guess you can sit at my table in the cafeteria in hell. Or maybe you can do what I didn’t and own your shit. Make this right. She’s worth it.”
Paddy shoved a hand through his hair. “Yeah, yeah. You’re next in line after Natalie. We’re going to talk about your moping around. Let me put out these other fires. Don’t go anywhere.”
He dialed Jeremy.
“I take it you saw that interview. Did you call this guy?”
“I did. He made Natalie unhappy. I wanted to fly down to California and punch him. So really, a call was a far better outcome.”
“Jesus. Okay, well, it’s not the end of the world. The tour is nearly done. The album is doing fantastic. He’s trying to shake you down for money to shut up. Don’t give it to him. This guy will never go away. He’s eaten through his own money, and he’s living with his mother now in Washington. Let her carry his dead weight.” Jeremy paused. “I hear through the grapevine that you and Natalie broke up. Over this? She’s good for you, this dumb crap notwithstanding.”
“She thinks we’re broken up. I’m on it next. I’ll see if I can’t adjust her reality more toward my way of thinking.”
“Good luck with that. If you need to say anything else to Bob Clayton, route it through me, and I’ll decide if it’s worth saying through an attorney. You got me?”
“Yeah, yeah.” He hung up and took a deep breath.
He headed toward the minibar, and Vaughan stood up, blocking his way. “This is what got you in trouble to start with. It feels easier to dea
l with it this way, but you need all your wits to make this right, and you don’t have that many to start with. Do you love this girl? Really love her?”
Paddy nodded. He didn’t even need to pause.
“Then you need to put your pride and your ego aside. You said some harsh-ass stuff to her. And from what you’ve told me and what I know of her, the stuff you said was bound to have really done some damage. You pushed buttons, man. You gotta be careful. Because once something is really broken, you can’t fix it. Not with another baby like Kelly and I failed at, not with diamonds or promises to slow down or go on a trip. You have to be truly willing to own it and get on your knees and beg her to forgive you and mean it. Because you might think you’re over it. And you might find plenty of pretty thighs to get between and think you’ve forgotten. But you’re going to look up in a few years, and there’ll be an empty spot only she can fill. And it’ll be too late.”
“Aw, man.” Paddy hugged his brother quickly. “You have time to fix this. I know Kelly still has feelings for you.”
Six years before, Vaughan and his wife had hit a rough patch and ended up divorcing. They’d been so young. Too young to get married. Definitely too young to have kids, and Vaughan had made big mistakes, and Kelly had stayed long enough after she should have left, that their end was bitter.
“She’s engaged. She told me when I dropped the girls off before we left for the tour.”