by Lauren Dane
“Then do something about it!”
“Says you. You first. We’ll talk about this when you’re done with your call. Go in the other room so I don’t have to listen to you debase yourself and beg forgiveness.”
* * *
ZOE OPENED THE DOOR, and they all threw themselves to the couches right as Natalie’s phone started ringing.
Natalie looked at it a moment as Paddy’s face flashed on the screen and heaved herself up from the couch. “I need to take this.” She answered as she headed out to the covered porch, closing the door behind her. “Hello.”
He sucked in a breath on the other end. “I’ve missed your voice so much.”
She tried not to cry because she’d missed him, too, and there he was. And then because she wasn’t sure if it meant enough.
“I’m calling for a few reasons. I’m not even sure which is worse or better or which to go over first. But I’m sorry. We’ll start with that. I’m so sorry I said all that and reacted that way. I... Never mind, I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you tried to stay, and I pushed you away like a dick. I know it hurt you. I’m so sorry. Are you still there?”
“Yeah.” She heard the tears in her voice and was too upset to even be embarrassed. “I’m sorry the way I handled this thing with Bob hurt you. I trusted you to stand in front of you after you said all that other stuff so we could work it out.” She blew out a breath. “Even before that, I trusted you so much that I was raw with you. Trusted you so I could be open and free. To let you hold me down and order me to do all manner of things. And it was good because I didn’t always have to be in charge and you...you cherished that. Took that and didn’t make it a job, though you certainly saw it as a responsibility. You made me feel beautiful. You made me feel safe because I could be as dirty as I wanted to be with you, and you didn’t think I was a skank, or a whore, or that I was fucking anything up.”
Her tears came freely by that point, rolling down her cheeks as she looked out over the backyard.
“I spent years holding myself together, and then after we parted the first time, I made myself into an adult. With an education, which meant control over my life and my future. And a job that I loved. My house. My friends. I have all this money, and I can use it to help other people. What I had with you was a safe place. Like the library had been when I was a kid. Like school had been. You took that, and where you had been kind and respectful, you were dismissive and hurtful. I just... I tried to stay, and when you told me to leave and turned your back, I just couldn’t stay. I should have. I’m sorry, too.”
“I yelled at you about trust, and I’m the one who didn’t trust you enough to be careful with you.” His voice broke, and he cleared his throat. “Can we work this through? I love you, Nat. I want to be with you. I want us to be together. Please give me a chance to prove myself.”
Before she could speak, he interrupted. “Wait. Before you answer, let me tell you the other reason I called. It’s your dad. I was so pissed at him for hurting you that after you left...I thought you’d stay over. I’m a shit for sending you out into the night the way I did. Anyway, I called him.”
She put a hand over her eyes. Part of her was undeniably touched that he’d do that. The other part was horrified because she knew whatever he had to say next wasn’t good.
“I called him and he was such a smarmy bastard. He doesn’t care about you at all. Or hell, anyone. And he hinted at me paying him off.”
“Oh, my God, please tell me you didn’t give him money!”
“Hell, no. But he gave another interview.”
She sat because her legs wouldn’t hold her up. Her face burned with shame. Damn Bob for making her feel this way. She’d sworn to never let him do this to her again and here she was. “Tell me.”
And he did. He read it aloud to her and she listened to her father tear down her life. After repeated references to his own piousness and his being clean, her father referred to Zoe and Jenny in hateful terms. He’d inferred that Tuesday was her lover out for her money. Said she’d been a wild drug addict in college and how she was a lazy, spoiled, trust-fund brat who played at being a librarian to make herself feel better.
“My God.” Her father had used the very things that made her life special, and he used that to cut at her. And he did it in front of people.
“I’m so sorry. I fucked things up by calling him. I just hated that he hurt you. That he seemed to do it like breathing. I was stupid and I thought I could make him stop. Appeal to his sense of shame at least, if not his fear that someone was onto him. This is his revenge for that. What a self-righteous ass he is. That you’re as amazing as you are despite him is a testament to your strength.”
She wanted to ask if he believed any of the things her father had said. Swallowed it back because she would not give in to that particular shame. “How does this hurt you? Do I need to issue a response of some sort?”
“I was an asshole for saying that. It doesn’t hurt me. I’m a freaking guitarist in a rock-and-roll band. I’m supposed to be wild. No one is going to care if your best friends are lesbians or if you were wild at college. It’s not an issue. Not to me. That marketing thing was something you did for me, and that you pushed past your comfort zone to help my career when I asked made me feel worthy. I appreciated that you did it, and I still do. But the Bob thing only matters because it hurt you.”
“I’m sorry, Paddy. Sorry he did this. Sorry about the fight.”
“I just wanted to feel worthy,” he said quietly and she had to swallow back emotion.
She truly understood why he’d been so upset in the hotel room. He was hers to protect, too, and she’d hurt him even if she hadn’t meant to. “Paddy, you are worthy. Not knowing about a button doesn’t mean I didn’t push it and hurt you. I’m sorry for that. Sorry to have caused you sadness.”
She let out a breath.
“I have to go tell them. I’m here at Zoe and Jenny’s place.”
“Okay. Are we...are we going to be all right?”
“I can’t lie, this whole thing has messed with my head, but I don’t want to let go. When you come back to Hood River, call me. You know my number. We’ll go from there.”
“I will. I’ll leave you credentials for the Rose Garden shows if you want to come out. If not, I’ll call you in ten days when I get back. I love you, Nat.”
“I love you, too.” But love wasn’t always enough.
* * *
VAUGHAN LOOKED UP from his tablet when Paddy came back into the room. “So?”
“She cried.” He slumped into a chair, tossing his phone to the table. “You don’t know this, but she doesn’t cry like that.”
“About her dad?”
“Well, it stems from him originally. He fucked her up, gave her all these hot buttons. But this is on me. I was so fucking careless with her. My reaction, stuff I said, hurt her.”
“You didn’t use them on purpose to hurt her.”
“Sure I did. I meant to hurt her like you do in a normal fight. I didn’t think.” He slapped his head. “I didn’t fucking think about how what I said would make her feel beyond wanting her to know I was upset she’d let Ezra fix this thing instead of me. So she left, and I just let myself think we’d both lick our wounds and come back to each other. And I may have lost her because of it.”
“So don’t lose her. Look, Paddy, I’ve known you my whole life, right? I’ve never seen you fail at anything. In fact, this is the first, nonmusic thing I’ve ever seen you struggle over. Don’t give up because it’s hard. I’m telling you this from the other side of that mistake.”
Vaughan was right. He was used to things working out easily for him. He knew he was charming and used it all the time to ease his way through life. His mom often joked that charm was his superpower.
But it had left him lazy sometimes. He’d let charm become a shortcut. And it had blinded him while the woman he loved had been suffering. He’d gotten so wrapped up in
his sense of hurt that it was Ezra who’d helped her first and not him. All that time Paddy’d felt buoyed by her respect and the ways she shared herself with more, more and more. At last it wasn’t just Ezra who’d been the reliable one. That had made Paddy feel ten feet tall, and he’d let that blind him.
But her apology, the way she’d taken responsibility for hurting him, for being willing to work it out, meant he simply had to up his game and earn back her trust.
Paddy put that aside to think on a bit and turned his attention away from his own troubles to his brother’s. “So tell me about this thing with Kelly. Are you going to let her go? Forever and for real?”
“I need to figure out if I really still love her, or if it’s one of those I don’t want you, but I don’t want anyone else to have you things. That’s what Mary said.”
“Who is this dude?”
“His daughter goes to school with the girls. Kelly’s on the PTSA with him.”
Damn.
“Man. So a nice guy. How long have they been together?”
“Yes. I’ve even met him. They started dating last year. I’m trying to get my head around it.”
“What a bunch of dicks we are.”
Vaughan laughed. “Well, you are, anyway. Damien has a gorgeous, pregnant wife who feeds us every day. He managed to get it together. I think we might, too.”
“Countdown is on. In nine days we’ll be in Portland. In twelve, we’ll be done. Use the time to figure it out. Are you going to let your future be guided by your past mistakes and just give up and really move on? Find another woman and let yourself love someone other than Kelly?”
Vaughan made a face just as Paddy thought he would.
“Or you can accept the mistakes you both made in your early twenties and make up for it with a better future because you still love this woman who is the mother of your children.”
“There’s a lot of baggage there. A lot of hurt.”
“And your babies. Don’t mess up her future if you don’t really mean to be the man she needs. Your girls don’t need it, and neither does she.”
“I know. But, dude, I hate the idea of their being parented by anyone else. He’s a good guy, I can’t deny it. But I’m their dad.”
It put his own situation into perspective, at least. He didn’t want another man to take care of what should be his, either.
“Well, do you want another man to be a husband to your woman? You can’t do this just for the kids.”
“I don’t know. I do have to think it through, yes.”
“I guess after the shows, we can think about how to claim our women instead of getting drunk.” Paddy grinned.
“Maybe thinking and drinking. Let’s not go wild.” Vaughan winked.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
“THERE YOU ARE.”
Natalie turned to face Sharon Hurley as she came through the library. “Hi there, Sharon. I’ve got a few things I think you’ll like.”
Sharon linked her arm with Natalie’s. “I’ve missed you. You haven’t been up to the ranch in a few weeks now.”
“I’ve been busy.”
“I know you and Paddy are having difficulties right now.”
Natalie blinked the tears back. “Sharon, I can’t. Not here.”
“Come to the house tonight. Let me make you dinner. Tuesday should come, too.”
“Oh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
Sharon paused, turning to face Natalie. She put her hands on Nat’s shoulders, squeezing gently. “Here’s the thing. I consider you one of mine now. Paddy probably should have warned you about this, but to be honest, he’s never actually brought anyone home before so he didn’t know, either. So, I have a ham, and I’ll be making fried potatoes and corn bread. I’ll see you and Tuesday at six. You’re off at five today, right? You can bring me the books you have set aside, too.” Sharon grabbed a quick hug and dashed out before Natalie could argue.
Sharon had met a lot of people in her life. She came from a big family and in turn ended up having one herself. Her sons’ lives had introduced her to a lot more people outside her normal circle. Most of them had been a pleasant surprise.
Some of them, like the ones who’d circled around Ezra when he was sick, ignited a bone-deep hatred and rage. There’d been a battle for her son’s very life, and she’d had no intention of losing.
So she’d run them all off with Michael’s help. They were united in all things regarding their children. But through all the good and the bad, she’d never met anyone who needed mothering more than Natalie Clayton.
Once she got back home, she dialed Paddy’s number. “Patrick Michael Hurley, I’m going to save your ass so pay attention.”
“Hey, Momma. I’m going to take a guess you’re talking about Natalie. I screwed up, but I’m working on it.”
“I know you did. I’ve only heard the outer edges of this whole thing because your brothers think they can hide things from me to protect you. But I can’t help you if I don’t know the whole story.”
He told her everything, and her heart ached for both of them. “Oh, sweetie. You messed up. But you know what? People mess up. It happens. You’re special, of course, but you’re not perfect.”
“I’m afraid the mistake is too big for her to get over.”
“We all have our hurts. You have yours and even though she didn’t mean it, she pushed your buttons and when you reacted, you pushed hers. But there’s love between you. You’re a handsome boy with more charm than a body has a right to. You love her and you’re clever. Use all that to fix this. On top of all that, you have me.”
“I don’t even know what to say.”
“I raised four of the naughtiest, most unruly, lack-of-common-sense, no-fear-of-danger children into successful men. If I can get through all the hell you boys put us through, I can help you with this.”
Sharon paused. “Honey, she needs a momma something fierce. Her grandmother is useless. Her father is worse than useless. Let me tell you, he won’t even see me coming when I get my chance. But Natalie needs to be loved like a mother can love her.”
“You’d do that for me?”
Sharon laughed. “Paddy, I’d brave the fires of hell for you. But this isn’t a sacrifice. I truly do love that girl. She’s got a big heart. And she loves my son. Enough to be flayed open by him and still not tell me to jump in the river instead of showing up here for dinner tonight.”
“Thank you. I feel better.”
“Good. You’re on the home stretch now. Finish this tour and come home to her.”
They said their I-love-yous and hung up.
* * *
TUESDAY ONLY LAUGHED and shoved her out the door and drove them both up to Sharon and Mike’s house.
Course Tuesday didn’t think it was so funny when Ezra showed up. Though he clearly had no idea they’d be at the table, either. When he came into the house, his hair was still wet from the shower, his smile for his mother was open and warm.
Then he’d turned to see them, and he gave his mother a narrowed gaze, but Sharon had pretended not to see it.
Sharon Hurley was the sneakiest person Natalie had ever known. And she managed it with a cheeky smile that dared you not to like her even as she manipulated you exactly where she wanted you to be. It was masterful, and she wanted to be Sharon when she grew up.
Sharon was bold and unapologetic, but she loved her family fiercely. Exactly the kind of woman Natalie yearned to be, though she doubted she’d ever be quite as scary.
Michael just watched his wife, wearing a smile. He knew what she was up to but found it adorable. What would it have been like to have grown up with these two as parents?
“Thank you for bringing all those books.”
Natalie knew Sharon loved historical novels and had recently dipped a toe into historical romance and found herself in love with all the options. So Natalie had brought her a bunch of Lisa Kleypas and Tessa Dare to try.
“Thank you for making chocolate cak
e.”
Sharon laughed. “That chocolate sour cream cake is Michael’s favorite.”
“It’s everyone’s favorite, Mom.” Ezra helped himself to another slice.
“Can’t go wrong with cake,” Natalie agreed.
“That needs to be on a shirt. I’d wear it every day.” Tuesday winked at Sharon, who blushed, laughing.
“My sisters and some of my cousins want to start a reading group. We all live in different places, but we’ll connect via Skype. It’ll be a good way to keep in touch, and we all love reading. I’d appreciate it if you could recommend some books for us.”
“The library has a few different guides for book clubs of all types.”
“That Natalie wrote,” Tuesday added. “What?” she asked at Natalie’s look. “You wouldn’t have said. I’m proud of you.” She looked to Sharon. “They’re great guides.”
Sharon grinned at Tuesday. “I sure do like you, honey. Everyone needs a girlfriend who refuses to let them hide their light under a bushel.”
It was Tuesday’s turn to duck her head.
They talked about what the women in Sharon’s group liked, and Natalie tossed out a few titles off the top of her head that she figured would work—a few her own book club had read over the past year.
She kept waiting for Sharon to bring Paddy up, but she didn’t. Instead, she packed up leftovers and walked them out to the car. Ezra had hugged her and awkwardly patted Tuesday’s shoulder and then mumbled that he had to be somewhere or something and loped off.
“I’m working on a quilt for the baby. I have to go into town to pick up supplies day after tomorrow. Want to meet me for coffee?”
Natalie nodded. Even as she knew this was about Paddy on some level, she also knew Sharon wouldn’t be doing any of this if she hadn’t wanted to.
They made arrangements and headed off.
“I like her.”
“She’s a hoot. I love how she pushes everyone around, and they all look at her with adoration, but there’s fear, too.” If Natalie ever had kids, she could only hope to have them look at her that way when they were adults.
“Oh, there’s not a doubt in my mind that Sharon would cut someone if they hurt her family. I have to respect that. And she makes really good cake.”