The Woulda Coulda Shoulda Guide to Canadian Inventions
Page 1
Copyright © 2017 Steve Smith and David T. Smith
All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication, reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system without the prior written consent of the publisher—or in the case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, license from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency—is an infringement of the copyright law.
Doubleday Canada and colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House Canada Limited.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Smith, Steve, 1945-, author
The woulda, coulda, shoulda guide to Canadian inventions / Red Green.
Written by Steve Smith and David T. Smith.
Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 9780385687393 (hardcover).–ISBN 9780385687409 (EPUB)
1. Inventions–Canada–Humor. I. Smith, David T.,
1978-, author II. Title. III. Title: Guide to Canadian
inventions. IV. Title: Canadian inventions.
T23.A1S65 2017 609.71 C2017-902474-4
C2017-902475-2
Cover and text design: Leah Springate
Cover art: (photo) Gretchen Gordon; (wood) optimarc; (graph paper) Fotokor77; (pencil) Gavran333; (flag) Per Bengtsson, all Shutterstock.com
Published in Canada by Doubleday Canada,
a division of Penguin Random House Canada Limited
www.penguinrandomhouse.ca
v4.1
a
This book is dedicated to all the past, present and future inventors. You are the Little Engines that Woulda Coulda Shoulda. The ones with the skinned knuckles and the rusty tools and the strained relationships. The people who can think of twenty different ways to get snow off the barn roof but can’t get anybody to give them insurance coverage. The folks who have tried to find better, faster, easier ways to do things with no regard for personal gain or safety.
You spend your lives in the optimistic pursuit of the next big thing and often end up losing your savings, your spouse and at least one eyebrow. On behalf of the rest of the world, thanks for your optimism and relentless persistence. Now grab a pair of safety goggles and a fire extinguisher and go invent something.
Quando omni flunkus moritati
(When all else fails, play dead)
—Motto of Possum Lodge
CONTENTS
Cover
Also by Red Green
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Epigraph
Foreword
Introduction
Alkaline Battery
AM Radio
Anti-Gravity Suit
Basketball
The BlackBerry
The Greatest (Not Necessarily Canadian) Invention in the World: Candidate #1
Bloody Caesar
Canada Dry Ginger Ale
Canadarm
Carbide Acetylene
Cardiac Pacemaker
The Greatest (Not Necessarily Canadian) Invention in the World: Candidate #2
Caulking Gun
Crispy Crunch
The Cure
Easy-Off Oven Cleaner
Egg Carton
The Greatest (Not Necessarily Canadian) Invention in the World: Candidate #3
Electric Oven
An Experimental Medication
The First Documentary
Five-Pin Bowling
Foghorn
The Greatest (Not Necessarily Canadian) Invention in the World: Candidate #4
Fox 40
Frozen Food
Goalie Mask
Gownless Strap
Green Garbage Bag
The Greatest (Not Necessarily Canadian) Invention in the World: Candidate #5
Hard Cup Jockstrap
Hawaiian Pizza
Ice Hockey
IMAX
Instant Food
Instant Replay
The Greatest (Not Necessarily Canadian) Invention in the World: Candidate #6
Insulin
Jolly Jumper
Kerosene
Lacrosse
The Greatest (Not Necessarily Canadian) Invention in the World: Candidate #7
Magnetic Shoes
Muskol
Pablum
Paint Roller
The Greatest (Not Necessarily Canadian) Invention in the World: Candidate #8
Pie-O-Neer
Poutine
Pulped Wood Paper
Robertson Screw
Sewage Cannon
Snowblower
The Greatest (Not Necessarily Canadian) Invention in the World: Candidate #9
Snowmobile
Solar Panel
Sonar
Standard Time
Superman
The Greatest (Not Necessarily Canadian) Invention in the World: Candidate #10
Synchronized Swimming
The Theory of Nothing
Trivial Pursuit and Balderdash
TV Censorship
UFO Landing Pad
The Greatest (Not Necessarily Canadian) Invention in the World: The Winner
Upholstery Couture
Variable-Pitch Propeller
Walkie-Talkie
The Wonderbra
Could You Be an Inventor?
Image Credits
Acknowledgements
Red Green’s Inspirational Quotes for Inventors: Various places throughout the book
FOREWORD
This book is a bit of a puzzle. It’s not all fact, but it’s not all fiction either. I guess it’s what’s known as “faction.” Many of the inventions featured in here are bona fide, authenticated and factually based innovations. Others come from rumours and stories and urban myths. And rural myths. And myths that have no geographical setting at all.
To avoid confusion and legal action, I’ve identified the real, actual inventions in a certain way. I’m not going to tell you how, but if you can’t figure it out, it’s unlikely that you’d be able to mount a convincing case against me. The other stuff, the inventions I’m more or less guessing about, are marked either differently or not at all. Another thing for you to figure out.
I did this on purpose. (My wife says I do everything on purpose.) I did it partly for fun and partly because I think it’s good to exercise your imagination, but mainly I thought it would give you, the reader, a sense of what it means to be an inventor.
To get the most out of this book and get to the end successfully, you’ll need to stay focused and pay attention to the information you’re getting and, most important, be able to sort the solution from the pollution. Have fun and learn something—and, above all, keep your stick on the ice.
INTRODUCTION
I don’t think the rest of the world completely understands Canadians. We have a reputation for being nice. We’re tolerant, apparently. We don’t whine about everything, we give people the benefit of the doubt, we don’t spend our days looking for an argument, we go along to get along.
I think that’s all more or less true, but it’s not the whole picture.
When a person doesn’t complain, it doesn’t mean they think everything is perfect. When we’re not looking for an argument, it doesn’t mean we agree with everything. When we’re not looking for a fight, it doesn’t mean we won’t fight. When we go along to get along, that’s us extending the hand of friendship.
When you live in a country that’s bigger in size than the U.S. but with only the population of California, you need to get along with everybody or you
’ll run out of friends in a hurry.
The world has been reminded on a few occasions that they shouldn’t mistake our kindness for weakness. Take the World Cup of Hockey, for example.
Along the same lines, just because we don’t brag doesn’t mean we’re not proud. And that’s where this book comes in.
We’re proud of our inventors. And for a country with so few people, our ability to generate so many world-class inventors tells me we must be doing something right. When we see flaws in the world around us, instead of whining about it, we figure out a way to make it better. I like that about us. As you go through this book, think about how all of these inventions, from the paint roller to the cardiac pacemaker, have made life better for all of us.
Give yourself another reason to be proud of Canada. Just don’t tell anybody.
ALKALINE BATTERY
Lewis Urry
Credit 1
Lewis Urry was born in Pontypool, Ontario, in 1927 and was the first guy to be able to make an alkaline battery that could last longer than the zinc-carbon battery everybody was using in their three-pound metal flashlights.
Sometime in the 1950s Lewis came up with the nifty trick of using manganese dioxide, solid zinc and powdered zinc alongside the alkaline, which somehow allowed the battery to last much longer. Attaboy, Lewis. In the 1950s, while you were doing experiments that made you a millionaire, I was playing with my Gilbert chemistry set, making the basement smell like rotten eggs and taking thermometers apart so I could watch the mercury roll around in my hand.
When the alkaline battery patent was granted to Lewis and his team in 1960, that was what I would call a good day. The company, Union Carbide Corporation, later was renamed Energizer. Perhaps you’ve heard of them. Meanwhile, the Gilbert chemistry set folks went under.
At first many Lodge members thought these were Al Kaline batteries. As you know, Al Kaline played right field for the Detroit Tigers. Lodge members were shocked to think that Al Kaline had enough time to invent a battery, but they always say right field is the easiest position. The biggest surprise to them was that they thought that meant he was Canadian. Whenever you hear a Lodge member say stuff like that, you’re reminded of why Google was created.
Al Kaline—Mr. Tiger
—
Maybe the whole world made a big mistake when they demoted batteries from a primary, and sometimes only, source of energy to become either a portable form of electricity or a backup plan for those times when the power goes off because of either a failure in the ability of the power grid to generate electricity or a failure in the ability of the homeowner to pay the electric bill.
If instead of wiring the nation and making us all dependent on ever more costly generated electricity, they had continued to make more and more powerful and efficient batteries that could be charged by the sun, we’d be free and happy and masters of our own destiny and nobody would have to live under high-tension wires that make their fillings hum.
(There’s a whole episode of my show devoted to the idea of turning Possum Lake into a battery. It’s on the Book of Inventions page at redgreen.com. Click on “Battery.”)
AM RADIO
Reginald Fessenden
Reginald Fessenden, who also invented sonar (see this page), is the guy who put out the first-ever AM voice transmission in 1900. My guess is he did it in the morning. Otherwise it would have been a PM voice transmission.
On Christmas Eve, Reggie did a broadcast in which he played “O Holy Night” on the violin and then sang the third verse. And before the applause could die down, he played a recorded song while he read the Jesus-in-the-manger scripture from the gospel according to Luke. If he had given out a phone number, it could have been the first-ever PBS pledge break.
Despite his attempts at creating popular programming, Fessenden was a key player in the development of AM radio from that point until 1920, when it really took off. When Reggie came on board, AM radio was all done with Morse code, but he switched that over to voice, which was much better. “O Holy Night” is not nearly as good in Morse code. I’m sure he had no idea where AM radio would go by the 1950s or he would have called himself Wolfman Reginald.
To me, this is one of those inventions that’s more than a thing. It’s a life changer. At least it was for anyone in my age bracket. How could you possibly go on a picnic or spend a day at the beach or pretend to do your homework without that AM transistor radio pumping out the Top Forty? I even had one that hung from the handlebars of my bike. Of course, that was in the days when people wouldn’t steal your radio. Or your bike. Or the bench it was chained to.
And despite Reggie singing hymns and reciting from the Bible, the real purpose of AM radio was to promote rock ’n’ roll. You weren’t gonna hear no boogie-woogie from the philharmonic or the church choir.
I’m even old enough to remember sitcoms and variety shows on the radio. Our Miss Brooks, Burns and Allen, even Ted Mack’s Amateur Hour could hold your attention without the need for lighting or makeup or special effects. That’s because the producers thought the listeners were smart enough to create the pictures in their own minds. Eventually, they realized that almost everybody’s stupid so they invented television.
—
I say Reg deserves a lot of credit, and I don’t mean this to sound insensitive, but why does AM radio still exist? It sounds crappy, lots of static, mainly people talking and there are a million stations about 1/100th of a dial turn apart.
It seems to me that we have too many kinds of radio anyway—AM, FM, CB, HAM, SAT, etc. Surely it’s time to simplify. Let’s start with HAM and CB, or as they’re called now, the cell phone. They can go. That leaves AM, FM and SAT. Of those, SAT is the only one that covers the whole country at once. You can tune into your favourite satellite station in St. John’s and listen to it continuously as you drive to Vancouver. What you don’t get is any local news or opinion or local flavour of any kind.
That’s where FM comes in, or at least could come in, if it was being done right. FM supplies a strong, clear signal with a full frequency range. No static. No interference. No tinniness. No muffled tones. Music sounds great on it. Dialogue is clear. Last, but not not least, is AM. It has terrible sound and a weak signal.
As my dad used to say when my uncle would come to visit, why is it still here? AM should have been kyboshed about forty years ago, with the invisible hand of Adam Smith flicking it off the menu. So what gives?
Regardless of how crappy the reception is, if you want to hear local news or sports or weather, you’ve got to go to AM. It’s all a management issue, and these guys must be in cahoots. They must have this code that dictates what kind of content goes where. If they have a program with an interesting, informed, energetic host talking about stuff you care about, they put it on AM. If they have a program that features an airhead with a deep voice presenting love ballads, they put it on FM.
So as a listener, you’ve got two options: you can either listen to the AM show that is interesting but really hard to hear, or the FM show that is mind-numbingly boring but comes in clear as a bell.
Oh sure, I guess in the old days you could say that a lot of people didn’t have an FM radio but everybody had an AM radio. Well, that’s just not true anymore. They haven’t built a car without an FM radio since Lada went under. Even garbage trucks have FM radios.
The real reason we still have AM radio is human nature. Very few things in life disappear forever. You may think things come and go, but the truth is once they’re here, they tend to stay, but in a limited capacity. There are still blacksmiths and phone booths and lava lamps and butter churners and television antennas and flavour straws and door-to-door salesmen and Silly Putty. Once we get used to something, we don’t like to ever completely forget about it. We just put it off to the side while we use the newer, better thing. But the old thing is still there, in the garage behind the stack of encyclopedias.
Maybe we don’t want anything to be forgotten because we could be next. That must
be the reason AM radio is still with us. Right now, everything I want to listen to—news, weather, sports, etc.—is on AM radio, but everything that sounds good is on FM. Fortunately for me, my hearing is going, so that’s levelling the playing field a bit. And with AM you get variety. With FM, you get a hundred stations playing three different kinds of music.
If anybody had the guts to take four of those hundred FM stations and give each of ’em an AM-type format—local news, live sports, local weather and car talk—they would be number one with a bullet.
ANTI-GRAVITY SUIT
Wilbur R. Franks
Credit 2
Wilbur R. Franks was born in Weston, Ontario, on March 4, 1901. He graduated from the University of Toronto and went over to the Banting Institute, still on campus, to be a cancer researcher. During his experiments he noticed that when he was spinning test tubes, they would often crack from the strong centrifugal force, and Wilbur wasn’t the kind of guy to take cracked test tubes lightly. Or anything lightly. He fixed the problem by first sticking the test tubes in larger, liquid-filled bottles. It worked.
This got Wilbur thinking about how being surrounded with water reduced outside forces like gravity. He was aware that when airplane pilots are under high g-forces, they would often black out, which was inconvenient. Wilbur figured that at least partially surrounding them in liquid could prevent bad things from happening, so in 1940 he came out with the Franks Flying Suit, which was made of rubber and water-filled pads. It worked great and was used regularly by pilots in World War II.
Eventually the design got even better and became the anti-gravity suit worn by astronauts and cosmonauts around—and above—the world.
These suits should not be confused with Eddie’s Ralphing Suit, worn in case of vomiting at stag parties. It didn’t prevent anything, but it was easy to clean.