Saving Toby

by Suzanne McKenna Link

  I entered the house and heard voices out back. Before I even opened the slider, I could smell the heady scent of pot.

  Ray and Toby were slouched in chairs at the outdoor table. The burning ember of rolled hemp flared brightly as Toby took a hit. Gritty eyed, both of them looked up at me as the door squealed open in its track.

  Toby looked disturbing. Dangerous and wild. He eyed me as he flicked ashes on the deck, his scrubby face an unreadable mask surrounded by his random mess of wavy hair. Unnerved, I remained silent, waiting for him to say something first.

  “You don’t need to be here anymore.” He exhaled a mouthful of smoke. “Julia’s gone, and you’ve made it pretty clear you’d rather be in California. So just turn around and go back there.” With a finger, he motioned a circle and pointed to the door.

  I hadn’t expected a warm welcome, but his words stung.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I told him.

  Ray took the joint from Toby’s fingers and got up. I was glad when he dropped off the deck and disappeared around to the side of the house. Toby, too, got up and stepped off the deck onto the grass.

  I was unsure about how to cross the distance that separated us. He’d never drunk much or smoked, at all, around me. Despite it all, I felt the need to protect him. I moved closer and pressed a hand against his back. The stench of pungent smoke and alcohol hovered over him.

  Before I could say anything, in a voice that was suddenly small, Toby said, “You know the last thing Julia said to me? She said she was tired.” His lips trembled, but then he scrunched up his face. “I was so awful. She didn’t want to deal with me anymore.”

  Desperate, I grabbed his hand and made him look at me.

  “Your mother was a frail, sickly woman. She had to fight to stay alive. She probably was tired—tired of trying to be brave and keep a smile on her face. Toby, she was not tired of you!”

  He shook his head. “She told me I didn’t try hard enough—that I had no plan for my future. I know she was only trying to get me to do better, to want more, but I fought her. I was tired, too. Tired of tiptoeing around her and always having to take care of her. I hated everything about her that night. And I destroyed her.” He put his head back and let out a long, ragged sigh. “You’re right to get the hell out of here and forget about me. You took a smart, easy out, Claude. You ran.”

  I grasped onto both his hands. “Look at me,” I insisted. “I’m not running away. I’d never do that. I love you.”

  With cool eyes, he pulled his hands from mine. “You picked the wrong guy to fall in love with. I never said it back to you because I can’t feel it. I don’t know how.”

  “But you do love me,” I persisted.

  Angling his chin defiantly, he said, “No. I don’t.”

  I stepped back. A physical slap would have stung less.

  “Are you trying to hurt me?”

  “No, but it’s unavoidable. You believe everything’s going to be fine, but you don’t have any experience with this. As soon as you tear off to school, it won’t matter how you feel right now,” he said. “Things change. We won’t last. Might as well cut ourselves loose now.”

  I felt my temper flare. “Oh, so you’re the expert?”

  “I know more than you about relationships,” he shrugged. “We got caught up, and it was good while it lasted. Let’s just admit it, Claude. We both know you don’t belong with me. I’ll never be enough for you.”

  I stamped my foot. “Who are you to decide where I belong, and what’s enough for me? You’re acting a hell of a lot like my father!”

  His eyes narrowed. “At least your father has always had my number—a broken guy from a bad family who’ll never amount to anything. His worst nightmare.”

  “My father doesn’t know you. If you give him some time—”

  “I don’t need his fucking approval,” he growled.

  “You don’t need it, but maybe you should want it. When I told him what happened with Devlin, he was actually worried about you."

  “You told him!” Toby’s mouth dropped open and his nostrils flared. “How could you fucking do that? Christ, you really are daddy’s little girl,” he said with a venomous sneer.

  I swallowed hard and held myself in check. “Since Devlin’s about to be arrested, I didn’t see the need to keep it secret!”

  His eyes grew wide. “A warrant was issued?”

  I nodded. “Yes. Didn’t you know?”

  “I thought I had more time. Shit!”

  “Whatever you’re worried about, my father can help you.”

  “Yeah. He’ll help me right into a fucking cell.”

  Toby turned then, dismissing me as he shouted over his shoulder, “Ray!”

  At that moment, the way he was behaving, I wanted to do exactly what he was telling me and leave him, but I knew I couldn’t. Fear divides, Mrs. Faye’s words came to me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held myself against his rigid frame.

  “I won’t give up on you,” I said, fighting to hold onto him as he struggled to push me away.

  “Claudia, you need to leave. Go home. Right now.”

  “No. I want to stay with you.”

  Making an irritated noise in the back of his throat, he peeled me off him and stepped away. “Can’t you understand? I don’t want to be loved.”

  “I don’t care what you say. I’m still going to take care of you.”

  “I don’t want your charity.”

  “My charity?” I repeated numbly. “My love isn’t charity.”

  “Whatever the fuck it is, I don’t want it.” He clenched his fists and raised them up between us. “I don’t want you, I don’t want love. I don’t want any of it!” The scary, feral glint in his eyes and the cutting words challenged my determination, but I stood my ground.

  “Are you going to hit me, too?” I stepped closer, presenting myself, open to his strike.

  Standing stock still, he glared at me, and finally lowered his fists. “No. Just get out of here. I don’t feel like playing nice anymore.”

  “Is that what you’ve been doing with me? Playing nice with me?”

  “You’re not going to like who I really am.”

  “I know who you really are.”

  He gritted his teeth. “No, you haven’t seen the real me yet. I drink and I fight. I fuck around.”

  “You aren’t like that anymore.”

  “I still am. Will always be.”

  “You’ve been drinking, that’s all—”

  “That’s not all I’ve done.” His eyes bore into me as he shook his head. “I was with Ray’s mother last night.”

  “I know. She said—”

  “I fucked her.”

  His words whipped the air from my lungs, and a burn blazed the back of my throat. “You’re … you’re lying,” I stammered, unable to accept what he said.

  “Believe whatever you want,” he muttered.

  I thought back to the front stoop—the bare legs sticking out from a short black robe and the smeared makeup. I stayed with him, she’d said. I stared at Toby, waiting for him to fidget or blink. Anything that would tell me he was making it up. But he didn’t. Something sour churned in my stomach and began to creep up my throat.

  “But why? How … how could you do that … to me?” I cried.

  He shrugged, indifferent. “I was hammered. She was there.”

  His cool attitude was the last nail in the coffin. An awful funnel of energy twisted and turned inside me like a tornado. Stepping forward, I slapped him across the face, as hard as I could. My hand stung, and the ruddy imprint of it stood out even on his unshaven face. He closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. When he opened them, he nodded, almost seeming satisfied by my response.

  Horrified that I’d just struck him, the steam left me, and my arms dropped limply at my sides. I stood there, weak, like a balloon losing air. Soon, I felt hot tears roll down my face. The loss, all the stress and the hurt piled on me like an unbearable weight,
and I felt as if I would crumble to the ground at his feet.

  Instead of falling down, I started to laugh. Tears burst from my eyes as I struggled to breathe through my hysterical laughter. Like a lunatic, I was unable to stop it.

  Without another word, Toby turned and strode towards the back of the house. As I watched him leave me, the laughter slowly ebbed in my throat until it died.

  The night was darkening, and the only light came from a naked, yellow bulb over the sliding glass doors. At the door, Toby barked out, “Ray!” once more and disappeared inside.

  Feeling drained and so very, very tired, I dragged myself to my car. Looking back at the house, I could see Ray and Toby having a heated conversation by the front door. Toby’s eyes lanced me once before he turned away. I climbed in the car and started the engine. By that point, I was grateful to be ignored.

  A set of headlights was coming slowly up the road behind me. I could not bear to stay one second longer, and so I floored the gas pedal and pulled out in front of it, racing forward and away.

  I drove to the beach and got out of my car. The water was my sanctuary. The air was cooler at the bay, and the water was like glass, serene and gently lapping against the sand. I didn’t get too far out onto the beach when I fell to my knees. My throat was parched and achy. I didn’t think I had any moisture left in my body, but tears still managed to fill my eyes.

  I stared out at the water, not really seeing it. Mrs. Faye was gone, and Toby had thrown me away. After sharing so much, I never could have imagined that he could snub and betray me so easily. Had I totally misread him?

  Over and over, Toby’s awful words replayed inside my head, and I wasn’t aware of anything around me until a thick-built figure stopped beside me. With a start, I looked straight up into Devlin’s face.

  He glanced down at me, almost sympathetic. “You okay, Claudia?”

  Fear flashed through me.

  From my kneeling position, I trained my eyes on him and squirmed as far from him as I could. “Don’t touch me.”

  He held up his hands. “Easy. You looked upset. I just wanted to see if you were alright.”

  I contemplated my chances of getting to my feet and running before he could catch me, but he was too close. Banking on him not knowing I was aware of his impending arrest, I decided to behave calmly until I had an opportunity to run.

  “I’m fine. But I’d rather be alone.”

  Instead, he moved closer. My pulse quickened. His eyes turned towards the water, and without looking at me he said, “I’ve never been good with girls. But you were nice to me, and I sort of thought I had a chance with you.” He let out a wistful laugh.

  Staying low and with as little movement as possible, I planted my feet in the sand.

  “It was a real fucking disappointment when you started messing around with Faye. But I’ll give the guy one thing, he certainly gets around.” Devlin turned back to me, and I froze. “I can’t believe he got you and Ray’s old lady.”

  Toby’s infidelity was common knowledge. That awareness made the knot in my stomach twist tighter. The pain forced me to drop back down onto my knees. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I rocked myself, trying to repress the sensation when I felt Devlin’s hand on the back of my neck. My skin prickled.

  “Let go of me!” I tried pulling away from him, but he clamped down roughly and held me immobile. Dread bloomed rapidly in my heart.

  Devlin dropped down next to me, practically ripping my arm from the socket, and pulled me back against him. I opened my mouth to scream, but a meaty hand clamped tightly against my throat making it impossible for any words to pass. Only able to pull in only thin slips of air, I began to gag.

  “I’m sorry. I almost wish I didn’t have to do this to you,” he said. “But this is his fault. I warned him I’d come for you if he tipped off the cops.”

  I jabbed my elbow backwards, connecting briefly with his ribs, but he only applied more pressure. Coiled in his thick, muscled arm, I was helpless. Devlin easily shifted me into the shadows of the old concrete building that housed the rustic beach bathrooms. At the north interior wall, he lurched forward, throwing himself on top of me. His massive body forced me down, slamming me into the compacted sand. All the breath left my lungs, and, for a moment, my mind went blank. Struggling to refill my lungs, I scratched at the thick arm that held me.

  “Bitch,” he howled as I dug my nails into him. Spittle formed on his lips, and his eyes went dark just before he raised his arm. The back of his giant hand clapped my face. The force spun my head round and I tasted blood. Dazed, I could do little to stop his hand as it slid over my chest and moved to the button fly of my jean shorts. He released his hold on my neck to tug at them.

  No, no, no, I screamed in my head. Innately, I understood if I didn’t stop him now, I would be forever ruined. I inhaled a lungful of air and screamed as loudly as I could.

  My voice, dampened by the humid air, was shrill and wild. At the same time, I grabbed handfuls of Devlin’s hair, yanking and ripping at it. With his weight on my legs, his knees digging painfully into my shins, he tried to recapture my arms. I twisted wildly under him, hitting his face.

  My next memory is of a sudden loud grunt, followed by a spray of sand on my face, and I was left striking air. Devlin was gone.

  Shocked and panting, I scrambled to my feet and saw two bodies locked in combat a few feet to my right. Their muffled grunts and angry jeers cut through the quiet night air. Devlin was now fighting off an attacker of his own. Toby was over him. He slammed Devlin’s head with his fists, over and over. It seemed to go on endlessly until finally Devlin stopped moving. Huffing, Toby fell to his knees.

  Unable to move, I stared at them until a shadow came over me. Crouched low, I turned quickly, ready to strike. Ray looked at me, his face shadowed.

  From behind me, Toby yelled, “Take her home!” For some reason, he was still with Devlin’s motionless body. I wanted to look back, but I kept my eyes on this new threat. I stood Ray down with my glare, silently warning him to keep his distance. Again, Toby yelled, “Ray, you fucking take her home. Now!”

  “Come on, Claudia. It’s al-al-right,” Ray coaxed, but I wasn’t falling for that. Not again.

  “Don’t touch me!” I hissed.

  “Toby wants me to t-take you home,” he urged.

  “I’m not going anywhere with you,” I snarled. He tried to take my arm, and I punched him in the face.

  Ray moaned as he stumbled backwards, a hand over his eye.

  The beach was quiet once again. All I heard was Toby’s heavy breathing as he came closer.

  “S-s-she won’t let me t-t-ake her,” Ray stuttered.

  Toby was next to me, kneeling down. “Claude, come here,” he reached for me.

  I launched into his arms and buried my face into his neck. In the safety of his embrace, I unraveled and began to weep.

  He pressed my head into his shoulder and stroked my hair. “Shh, it’s okay now, baby. It’s okay.” Putting an arm under my legs, he cradled me against him, and I felt him lift me as he rose to his feet.

  Carrying me, Toby walked to the parking lot and let me down just long enough for me to climb into the passenger seat of the Jeep. He slid in after me. Ray jumped into the driver’s seat and started to drive us up the block, towards my house.

  With an arm around my waist, Toby gently tugged my chin upwards to examine my face.

  “Are you hurt bad?” he asked, his eyes scanning me.

  I twisted my head away from him. “I just want to go home,” I cried.

  Toby pressed his chin to the top of my head. His heart beat in frenzy under my cheek. With my head tucked low, I heard him exchange words with Ray.

  “You got it?” Ray asked.

  “Yeah,” Toby answered.

  At the house, Toby held me tight to his side as we headed up the walkway. Before we even got to the front door, my father came storming out of the house.

  “Dad!” I cried and twisted toward
s him.

  “What the hell did you do to my daughter?” Dad roared, ripping me from Toby’s arms. Shaking and dizzy, I leaned heavily on my father.

  “Dad, no,” I tried to interrupt him, but he wouldn’t listen.

  “When I’m through with you, you’ll be sorry you ever existed,” Dad barked.

  Toby bowed his head and took my father’s blast.

  “You do whatever you need to do. Arrest me now, if you want,” he said, and then reaching into his pocket, pulled out a palm-sized object and handed to my father. “This will make it easier.”

  Toby stood and waited for my father’s reaction, but Dad, apparently taken aback by Toby’s quick surrender, shook his head. “That’s not necessary. I know where you live.”

  Accepting that, Toby turned and walked back to his Jeep. He and Ray drove away. As the taillights on the Jeep disappeared up the road, I looked down at my father’s hand.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  Dad held open his palm for me to see. “A knife.”

  35. Claudia

  Dad put in a call to the precinct to pick up Devlin and drove me to the emergency room at Good Samaritan Hospital. I didn’t initially want to go, but I had several cuts on my face and could feel, as well as see, numerous bruises all over my body. If Toby hadn’t shown up when he had, I would also be having an internal exam. It was too terrifying a thought to dwell on.

  It was a grueling few hours at the hospital. Everything was documented and my statement taken by detectives. I had to relive all that had happened in full detail. While I withdrew under my father’s protective wing, Dad was all over it; he took names and made phone calls, all the while, snapping at the hospital staff as well as his colleagues. He was determined as hell to make Devlin pay for what he’d done.

  We were finishing up with the petite, dark-haired woman detective when Dad’s cell rung. I watched his expression for clues about the call. After a few ‘yeahs’ and ‘uh huhs’, he hung up.

  “Is there news?”

  “Devlin Van Sloot is in custody, but there’s been another … er, development,” my father said, quietly. “A small house fire was called in. At the Faye house.” He held up his hand when I jumped. “The fire was contained, but Toby is being treated for smoke inhalation.”