What Could Have

by D. C. Stone

  She tried to picture how she’d react in the same situation and winced. Betrayal wasn’t a nice sensation.

  She batted those thoughts aside and focused on meeting with an old friend. One who was married. He couldn’t be anything more than that.

  Their relationship briefly crossed the line with the phone call last week, but she had to stand firm on not allowing that to happen again. Lucas had a child with his wife. And Anna’s husband had been so supportive when she needed him. She loved her husband; he was her best friend. With Lucas, there was no future, just like there had been none all those years ago.

  Blowing out a breath, she turned and smiled at the maître-d before following him to the back of the restaurant. As she walked behind him, she tried like hell to calm her erratic beating heart, steady her suddenly shaky legs, and fix her dimming vision. Her pulse pounded in her ears and galloped up her throat. What would he think? What would he say? How would they embrace?

  Turning a corner, her gaze lifted and like a switch, her entire world ceased.

  Lucas sat at a small, intimate table, as if he didn’t have a care in the world. His dark eyes scanned the restaurant, a bottle of beer barely touching his lips. He looked so relaxed, yet primed for anything. Her breath caught. He was still so damn beautiful.

  His dark, smoldering good looks had enhanced by age. Black hair sat short on his head, and the military short cut enhanced his strong jaw and masculine features. His whiskey eyes glanced up to hers, and she found herself falling, once again, into his trance.

  Immediately, he removed the bottle from his mouth and set it on the table. His lush lips curved into a wicked smile, one exclusively found on Lucas. He got up, and her breath hitched again.

  He stood tall, larger than she remembered, his chest stretching his white dress shirt across its expanse before narrowing down to slim hips. He wore dark grey slacks that clung to all the right places. He looked edible, fantastic, and every bit of a sexy male.

  The host stepped aside as they reached the table. Lucas walked toward her, his hand outstretched for hers. As if everything moved in slow motion, she watched her own hand lift and set into his. He gave a gentle tug and before she knew it, her body pressed to his, her arms wrapped around wide shoulders, and his hands at her back.

  Her head turned into his neck. All she wanted was to say hello, to take in his scent she remembered from years earlier. Pine, masculine, wonderful.

  Her nose brushed along his skin and he let out a slight rumble. “Careful, Anna…”

  She went stiff realizing what she had done and attempted to pull back, but his grip tightened.

  “Not so fast. Ten years and you aren’t getting away that easy.” His arms stayed locked around her. Low music danced in sweet notes through the air. The murmuring of patrons blended with the soft clap of silver on china. Lucas’ chest rose and fell against hers, soothing her until she relaxed. Her muscles softened, and her body molded to his. “That’s better. I’ve missed you, Belle.”

  She groaned at the name, and on cue, he released her. He stepped back with a large smile. From afar, he looked beautiful. Up close, she took him in, and her mind operating almost in a fuzzy, slow frame-by-frame movie. New lines had bracketed around his eyes, a few grey hairs sprinkled in his hair, but other than those small changes, he was still remarkable, rare, and full of dark Italian-American splendor.

  “Don’t you start on me with that, Luc.” She took her seat, and he followed suit. She couldn’t stop staring at him, couldn’t take her eyes away. He boldly returned her regard, and under his scrutiny, all of her old insecurities bounced back. She fidgeted with her hair, tugged on her dress, and wiped beneath her eye.

  “Stop. You look great. Amazing, actually. Little Annabelle is all grown up, I always wondered what you’d look like.”

  Embarrassed, she brushed a hand through her hair and tore her gaze away. “And I see you haven’t lost any of your charm. Still the ladies’ man, Luc?”

  He chuckled, the sound smoky and sensual. She shivered. “Not at all. A one-woman man now.”

  How she hated to be reminded. He wasn’t hers. She never had a claim on him, and in fact, another man belonged to her. That thought alone was enough to pull her out of her spell of desire.

  She turned her attention back to Luc, smoothed her face into a professional mask, and began to catch up with her old best friend.

  * * * * *

  Lucas frowned. A change had come over Annabelle. This woman sitting in front of him, with her cool face of impersonal emotions, wasn’t the Annabelle that left him. She wasn’t even the one he spoke to for the past few weeks. No, this woman was the original who hid beneath her sentiments. He understood their reunion was tough on her. Hell, it was tough on him, too.

  He didn’t like how things had been left between them, but tonight wasn’t about the past. He didn’t want to waste a moment of their time together, and he intended to get a few questions answered before the night was over.

  Sixteen

  “Any more wine, mademoiselle?”

  Caught in the middle of laughing, Annabelle glanced up at the waiter before gauging her glass. The bottle, a second one, was halfway gone, and she alone had consumed the majority of it.

  “No, thank you.”

  Lucas shot in, “We’ll take the check, actually, sir. Thank you.”

  She glanced sharply at him, unable to hold in her surprise and disappointment at the evening being cut short.

  “I’m not leaving just yet, Anna. You’ve had a bit to drink and I think a nice walk sounds right. Especially to help clear your head. You won’t get rid of me so easily this time.”

  With that mysterious statement, she frowned, then blinked at his words. Alone with Lucas? She pushed down the bit of excitement that singed through her and instead responded with what he’d expect. “Bossy.”

  He smirked, looking so satisfied. So damn handsomely pleased.

  “Of course,” she said. “I think a walk sounds nice.”

  “Very well. I have a few questions for you, too.”

  The tab was paid, split in half after a lengthy argument, but only once she refused to get up from the chair if he didn’t allow it. She caught a few choice words under his breath, but ignored them as they stepped outside.

  Known for its humidity, even at night, Florida’s weather made no exception tonight. The thick, hot air made it seem as if the air was sucked through a straw, yet a light breeze pushed through, making it tolerable. They headed down the street, next to one another, but not touching. Their silence was uncomfortable, and the sudden quiet said a million things she couldn’t.

  She had too much to drink. Her head was light and fuzzy. Her legs resembled taffy. Her body felt warm, sweet with contentment, hazy with lust she had always felt with Lucas.

  They came around a corner, and spread out before them, lay the beach. White sand reflected under a silver hue with the full moon. The ocean rippled behind, the blue standing out sharply against the illuminating orb in the sky. Stepping up to the sand, she reached out, using Lucas’ arm for balance and removed her heels.

  The first step in the sand felt like home, the home she’d never known.

  “So, Anna, you never answered my question.”

  Her attention was on the beautiful sight before her, and she almost missed what he said. She tried to recall their conversation throughout the evening, but came up short on anything she hadn’t answered.

  “I’m sorry, I must have missed a question. Which one?”

  “Not tonight.” He stopped and turned toward her. She mirrored him and tried to quash the little thrill that always happened when she looked at him. Did he know how handsome he was? Surely he must. “Last week.”

  Her brows drew together. “Wha—”

  “Why didn’t you reach out to me?”

  So damn blunt, that question took her by surprise. Her eyes widened and the hair on the back of her neck lifted. She didn’t want to talk about this. Couldn’t. Why bring the
past up when the evening had been so magical? This night was all they had. Why would he want to dampen the sweet new memories with ones that were so painful? They would never be as close as they once had been. Their significant others wouldn’t approve of it. But she knew resistance against Lucas was, as they said, was futile.

  “I don’t think this is a good idea,” she said.

  “Answer me, Anna.” His face looked hard, thunderous, his mouth set in an unforgiving, hard line. “Give me this one answer I have needed for too damn long.”

  She glanced at his face and studied him. A slight anger covered his beauty. She tried to search for any way out, but came up short. Her heart beat wildly in her chest and the fuzziness from the alcohol cleared with a spark of fear. This wasn’t something she did; confront things with uncomfortable situations. She especially didn’t want to answer in front of him, face-to-face. If that made her a coward, then fine. But any hope at keeping things on a friendly basis, any chance at things being okay, would be lost if this conversation happened.

  He continued to stare, waiting on her. So damn patient. So damn stubborn.

  “I had to,” she said, as if that was enough.

  He shook his head. “No, that’s not an answer, at least not one that explains anything.”

  She sighed and hated where this was going. It was like a train crash, one you couldn’t look away from. The pain of their past and of choices made would all be out in the open soon. And there was no stopping it. “Have you ever heard of Richard Bach?” she asked and tilted her face toward the sea, trying like hell to wash away the sadness of their past.

  He growled out a breath of frustration. “Don’t you dare…”

  She knew he had. It was just another conversation they had under the stars, hunted by the supposed bad guys, playing war games with capped-off rifles. A lifetime ago.

  Back then, everything was so damn simple, why hadn’t she seen?

  She gazed out over the water. “If you love something…”

  “Dammit, Anna. Don’t you dare.” His voice was gruff and she closed her eyes.

  “Let it go free. If it doesn’t come back…” She inhaled sharply, feeling the tug of tears in her throat. Not now. God, not now.

  “Anna, please,” he groaned.

  “You never had it.” Her voice cracked. “If it comes back, love it forever. There are many different variations on his work, but in the end, it all means the same.”

  “Christ!” He grabbed her shoulders and shook her, forcing her to open her eyes and look at him. “That’s it? That’s the only explanation I get?”

  “It’s all I have,” she choked out. “Luc, if I could change it, I would.”

  “So you regret it? Why the hell didn’t I get a say in this? Don’t you think my input was important in determining our futures?” His dark gaze bore into hers.

  “I think you know the answer to that. You once told me not to regret anything. It’s what makes us who we are today.” Lifting a hand, she sat it on his chest and pressed gently, stepping back and out of reach from his arms. This conversation was too much, his touch unbearable.

  She turned and made her way closer to the ocean. This was so damn painful, worse than when they said goodbye all those years ago. This was their life, the one they would never have. It was gone, never to be had again, and now…they had to move on. If she had to go back, if she knew then what she did now, would she change her decisions, or make the same ones? It was tough to say and almost impossible choosing between two men she loved more than anything else.

  His arm brushed against hers, joining her by her side.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said, needing him to understand. Knowing her words would never be enough.

  He sighed. “It’s not just your fault, Anna. I was a coward. Too much of a pussy to do anything or act on my feelings toward you.”

  They were silent for a while before she felt his tentative touch on her shoulder. She leaned into him, just as she did all those years ago. His arm wrapped more securely around her.

  They stood like that for a long time. The world went on around them, the alcohol in her system fading away. The night grew darker, their lives moved on, and the past buried itself. Healing started. All the while, they both stared out over the sea, lost in their own worlds, side by side.

  Seventeen

  Lucas insisted on walking Annabelle to her hotel room. As they stood outside her door in an empty hall, he didn’t want to say goodbye. Not yet.

  “You want to come in for a bit?” she asked.

  He stared at her, at a loss for words. Scared that he’d say no, especially when it was the right thing, he nodded. “Okay.”

  She pushed open the door and stepped inside. The lights flicked on and he looked around. Just an average hotel suite, the common area stretched out before them while French doors stood off to the side to what he assumed was the bedroom. Don’t go there, man.

  Why not? Why can’t I have what I have wanted for so long?

  Because it’s wrong. She’s not yours anymore.

  He tore his gaze away. The room was so simple, but the situation wasn’t at all. The past and the future combined into something complex. Like trying to explain to a five-year-old what pie was. And he wasn’t talking about the baked good.

  Anna slipped her shoes off. The sight of her standing in her knee-length, black fitted skirt, which hugged her sweet curves, and the crisp white shirt wrinkled from the day’s activities, seemed so right. And dear Lord, her hair…those tresses fell in waves down her back, making her look like the goddess she had always been in his head. His body screamed for him to go to her, take her in his arms, and finish what they started. His mind; however, had other plans.

  Get out of here, now.

  “I should go,” he started, knowing without a doubt that this was very wrong. The entire situation. Him staying. Him leaving. Their joke of what they thought was a friendship. All of it.

  She had her back to him, facing the doors that led to a perfect view of the beach. The very beach they stood upon moments earlier. The one where the real goodbye was said.

  “Luc?”

  She turned to face him, resolve and…was that fear?

  “What’s wrong? What is it?”

  She hesitated. “Have you ever been faced with two very real possibilities that could bring you happiness? Two things that will take you to something you love more than anything else, and you fear that no matter which decision you make, you’ll only end up hurting those you love even more? No matter what?”

  He stared at her, his heart breaking at the agony on her face. His chest tightened at her words. He itched to go to her, fisted his pants in his hands to keep from reaching out. “I can’t do this, Anna… We shouldn’t be here.”

  “Kiss me.”

  The air punched from his lungs. Dear Lord, was she reading his mind? That was all he wanted to do all damn night. But it wasn’t right, he couldn’t. “Anna…”

  “Please, Lucas. Just this once.” She took a step toward him. “A memory to keep. A kiss of how it used to be. I just want this one thing. Just this once, when I haven’t asked for much.”

  Bewilderment grabbed him in the gut. He shook his head, and his spine stiffened. Anger rolled through him like an electrical surge. “Haven’t asked for much? Christ! You have and haven’t at the same time.”

  Her questioning look had him continuing. She froze in her steps, but he couldn’t decide if he was relieved or disappointed. “On one hand, you have asked for too damn much, Anna. You took a piece of me with you to Italy all those years ago. You ripped out my heart and left it to heal on its own. And at this point, I don’t even think it ever truly has.”

  She sucked in a harsh breath.

  He crossed to her. Inside, emotions tumbled like a weed in a sand storm, lust, desire, love, anger, and hatred fighting for dominance. He wanted to wring her neck, yet at the same time…

  He reached down and pushed a stray tendril behind her ear. His hands shoo
k. “Yet you never asked for what I wanted you to ask for. You never asked to be mine, Anna. You made the decision on your own. You didn’t give me a choice. Now, we have none. You aren’t mine and I’m not yours. The past needs to stay in the past. We have very different lives.”

  Her crumbling face tore at him. He pulled her into his arms, and goddamn, it felt too right, yet wrong, all at once.

  “Anna,” he crooned and pushed a hand through her hair, held her to him, “I’m so sorry with how things turned out. I wish we could change it, but we can’t. We both have our own lives. We both have set our ways in stone.”

  “I know.” Her voice sounded weak, but her grip was so damn strong.

  “I can’t kiss you, Anna.”

  “I know,” she choked out with a broken garble.

  “I want to.”

  She let out a soft sob that shattered his heart all over again. “I know.”

  He turned his face into her neck and breathed deep. Vanilla, his sweet homecoming, filled his senses. “I shouldn’t.”

  “I know, Luc.” Her head moved slightly in his direction.

  “Anna,” he pleaded and brushed his lips against her cheek. “Tell me to stop.”

  Her head turned until her lips were just out of reach. One slight movement and they’d be connected. It was as if she were giving him the chance to change what they both knew was coming. He didn’t pull away. And she said the same words as so many years ago. “No, Luc. I won’t.”

  His eyes squeezed shut as her sweet words rolled over him. This was his Annabelle. His sweet, sweet girl. “Oh, God…” He cursed and closed the distance, covering her mouth with his.

  Wine, chocolate, and the enticing taste of her all hit him. Her mouth parted under his and he groaned, pushing his way inside. Their tongues wrapped around one another in a mating dance as old as time, in the same sensual rhythm they’d once discovered. This time, though, there were no secrets, they weren’t young and inexperienced. They didn’t have the watchful eyes of the military looking over them. They weren’t in a courtyard trying to hide in the shadows. They were adults. They were here, alone.