Hip Check

by Deirdre Martin

  “I know you’re worried about my dad,” said Michelle with a slight quaver in her voice. “And I am, too. But he’s gonna be okay.” She knew Nell, so she braced herself for what was coming.

  “But what if he isn’t?” she asked, her eyes filling with tears.

  “If he isn’t,” Michelle answered, pausing to compose herself, “we’ll worry about it then. But right now, we have to believe he’s going to be okay.”

  Nell burrowed close to Michelle, wrapping her arms around her waist, resting her head against her chest. “I don’t see why we can’t all go back to New York. I don’t see why Uncle Esa and I have to stay.”

  “I don’t, either,” said Esa. Nell’s head shot up, eyes full of hope. “Sorry, Nell,” he apologized glumly. “Dumb joke.”

  Michelle felt guilty; she knew the last thing he wanted to do was have dinner with his folks tonight without her there. But neither of them had a choice: he couldn’t leave, and she sure as hell couldn’t stay. Her father had suffered a heart attack. It was even possible he was being prepped right now for his surgery. Triple bypass. Michelle was overcome with images of him: smoking cigarettes and cigars, eating cookies, and all those endless trays of goddamn lasagna they made down at the firehouse. Goddamnit.

  “Michelle?”

  She looked down at Nell, her image clear and bright, then wavy, then finally blurry as she realized she’d started to cry. “Oh.” Michelle swiped at her eyes. “Sorry, sweetie.”

  “You’re afraid he’s going to die,” Nell whispered. “I know you are.”

  “I’m not afraid he’s going to die, Nell,” Michelle lied calmly. “I just wish I was there right now.”

  “Me, too.”

  Michelle hugged her tighter. “Plus, I have crazy brain right now. My brain is bouncing all over the place.”

  “Maybe Zak can make you feel better.”

  Michelle smiled. “Maybe.”

  “I’ll go get him.”

  Nell scrambled off the bed to fetch the oversized, stuffed polar bear she’d chosen at Hamley’s, leaving Michelle and Esa alone for a moment.

  “God, I wish I was going to be there to see you get that thing through customs,” Michelle sniffled.

  “We’ll ship it ahead. I really think we should go back with you. Nell’s not going to care about a thing, now that you’re not here.”

  “That’s not true. She was really looking forward to seeing Leslie.”

  “I dunno . . .”

  “You just want to avoid seeing your parents,” Michelle accused playfully.

  “That’s not true!”

  “Yes, it is!”

  “No, it isn’t.”

  Michelle closed her eyes as the mattress dipped from the weight of Esa sitting beside her. “I want to go back because I want to be there with you,” he said softly, taking her in his arms.

  Michelle buried her face in his neck, and began to cry. “I’m so afraid he’s going to die, Esa.”

  “I know.” He began rocking her gently. “But he’s a tough old bastard, eh? You’ve said so yourself.”

  “Yeah, but sometimes it’s hard not to jump immediately to the worst thing, you know?”

  “Because of your mom?”

  “I hadn’t even thought of that, but it makes sense.” She swiped away a tear with the back of her palm. “He’s never taken care of himself.” She lifted her head, meeting Esa’s eyes. “You don’t want to know how many firefighters die of heart attacks, both on the job and after they’ve retired,” she said bitterly. “They all think they’re goddamn immortal.” She rested her head on Esa’s shoulder. “Christ, I can’t believe I have to sit through a six hour plane flight before even getting a cab to get to the hospital.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want us to come back with you? My parents can see Nell at Easter. This is more important.”

  “I’ll be fine.” She lifted her head again, studying Esa’s face. She and her brother used to play a game where they’d stare at each other for ten seconds, then start drawing furiously. The one who drew the best picture from memory was the winner, and the winner was nearly always Michelle, because she had an eye for detail. Were she to draw Esa right now, she’d sketch his blue eyes, and razor sharp cheekbones, but she’d also sketch the tiny, nearly invisible freckle touching the top left of his lip. She’d draw the small white scar across the bridge of his nose that made her think of pince-nez, and she’d draw the slight droop of his right eyelid, which happened when he was tired. But most of all, she’d try to capture the way he was gazing at her: with a passionate intensity that wasn’t in the least bit sexual. He’s in love with me, she realized.

  She broke eye contact, shaking her head with a small smile. Too much all at once.

  “Michelle? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” she repeated. Out of nowhere, tears threatened again, and she laughed. “Actually, I’m a mess. One minute I want to cry my eyes out, the next I could just laugh . . . I think I’ve finally lost it, Esa.”

  “It’s a reaction to stress.”

  “I know,” Michelle agreed sadly, squeezing his hand. “I remember at my mom’s wake, going to use the ladies room at the funeral home. I opened the door, and there in the lounge area were three of my mom’s friends laughing so hard there were tears running down their faces. I remember feeling just furious: how dare they laugh when my mother was dead?

  “Now I realize they were just trying to cope. You need to be able to let go in these types of situations or you lose your mind.”

  “All the more reason for me and Nell to come back with you,” Esa insisted.

  “Why’s that?”

  Esa frowned. “Who’s going to help you cope? Your brother? The one who suddenly had to work on Christmas Day? C’mon, Michelle. I’m not stupid.”

  “No, you’re not,” Michelle agreed. “And it’s starting to become inconvenient.”

  Esa laughed, helping to lighten her mood. Light was where she wanted to try to keep it. That meant trying to steer off the topic of her brother.

  “Where’s Zak?” Michelle called out to Nell. “My brain is getting pretty bouncy out here!”

  “Coming!”

  Nell appeared, her body almost obscured by the giant stuffed animal. She released him on the other side of the bed next to Michelle with a small pant. “He weighs a ton!”

  “Well, he’s a polar bear,” Esa pointed out.

  “A facsimile of one, you mean.” Nell manipulated one of the bear’s paws so it slowly stroked Michelle’s arm. “See, he’s trying to make you feel better. Is it helping?”

  Michelle smiled. “It is. Thanks.”

  “You can take him back to New York with you, if you’d like. Maybe your dad would like to have him in hospital with him!”

  “I’m sure he’d love it, Nell, but I doubt the nurses would let him keep it. Hospital rooms are very small.”

  “Oh.”

  Zak’s paw continued stroking Michelle’s arm. “Can I visit your dad in hospital?” Nell asked very quietly.

  “Of course,” Michelle whispered, eyes flooding. One look at Esa and the next thing she knew she was practically doubled over on the bed, laughing, or maybe it was crying, she couldn’t tell. Zak’s paw on her forearm stopped moving, and Nell’s eyes were big as twin planets. “It’s okay,” Michelle assured her, trying to get hold of herself after a series of false starts. “Don’t look so worried. Sometimes people laugh a lot when they have crazy brain and they’re worried, and then they feel silly about being worried and don’t know what to think. That’s what’s happening.”

  Nell looked thoughtful. “If anything did happen to your dad, you’d still have me, and Uncle Esa.”

  “That’s right,” Michelle agreed, feeling pain trying to punch its way out from deep inside her. “And Zak. But I’m pretty sure things are going to be fine.”

  * * *

  Michelle was more wired than ever as she walked into New York Hospital Queens. Thanks to a nice tailwind, the flight
from New York to London had taken five hours rather than six. She’d thought that perhaps her mind would stop racing on the flight home, but no such luck. Instead, she kept checking her phone, doing a blow-by-blow account in her head of what was probably going on with her dad: He’s probably being prepped for surgery now. He’s probably in surgery now. He should be out of surgery now, unless there were complications. She hated that she hadn’t been there to talk to the doctors before and after the surgery was done, but she was sure Jamie would fill her in, or if not him, then Uncle Micky. Jamie sounded like he didn’t know whether he was coming or going when he’d phoned her in London, which wasn’t surprising. Michelle was just glad her brother hadn’t been pulling a shift when her dad started having chest pains. If her father had been home on his own, he’d have dismissed it as a pulled muscle and lit a cigar. The thought of what might have happened made Michelle nauseous.

  Jamie was waiting for her outside the Intensive Care Unit, flipping impatiently through a well-thumbed copy of People magazine. As soon as he spotted her, the magazine was carelessly tossed aside and he was on his feet.

  She hugged her brother, but he was stiff in her arms, a sure sign he was distressed. “How’s he doing?”

  “Good.”

  “Where’s Uncle Micky?” It was seven, early evening. Michelle was surprised he wasn’t there.

  “I told him we had some family stuff to discuss, so he took off.”

  Michelle sat down in one of the chairs, bracing herself. “Family stuff.” That sounded ominous. Her first thought was morbid and melodramatic: her father was on life support. She pulled herself back to the brink of the rational: there’d been a complication that needed to be dealt with. He was seriously incapacitated.

  “Can you at least tell me how the surgery went?”

  Jamie rubbed absently at the two day’s worth of stubble on his chin. “Yeah, of course. He did good.”

  “What exactly does that mean?”

  “There were no complications, Michelle. If he’d ignored the chest pain, he’d probably be dead.”

  “God,” Michelle whispered.

  “So they did the triple bypass. Obviously he’s got to do a total lifestyle makeover: eating better, more exercise. He’s got to stop smoking the cigars.”

  “Yeah, what the hell was that all about?”

  “I don’t know. Thinking he was immortal or something. It was stupid.”

  “You couldn’t talk to him?”

  “You couldn’t?”

  “You live with him, Jamie.”

  “You should have checked in on him more, Michelle,” he retorted.

  Jamie was tremendously stressed, so she let the barb pass.

  “What else?” she coaxed.

  “He’s been lying about going for checkups. That’s why that cough kept getting worse.” Jamie glared at her. “You know, the one you said didn’t exist?”

  Michelle’s hands tightened around the arms of the chair. “Let’s not do this. We’re both tired and overwrought.”

  Jamie tapped his chest. “I was there with him when it happened, Michelle, and you weren’t. So I get to make certain observations.”

  “Fine,” Michelle said tersely. “Observe away.”

  “To put it bluntly, this is your fault.”

  Michelle nearly lunged at him. “What?”

  “You know what. He goes to Saari’s for Christmas and a day later he has a friggin’ heart attack? He was really upset about what’s going on. It’s not a coincidence.”

  Michelle waited until a group of nurses passing by were well out of earshot before raising her voice to her brother. “How dare you blame me for this? Dad was a time bomb.”

  “That went off after he found out you were playing house with the biggest dickwad in the NHL.”

  “This is not my fault, Jamie!”

  “Yeah, it is, and you know it is. If Saari were here right now, I’d punch his face in.”

  “You’re talking out of your ass. As usual.”

  Jamie’s face broke out into an obnoxious smirk. “You think you’re helping Nell? You’re not. Because when he dumps you, that kid is going to be a basket case.”

  Michelle laughed bitterly. “I love the way you and Dad assume he’s going to dump me. Am I really that dull and plain?”

  “He’s using you, you idiot! He doesn’t know how to connect with Nell on his own; he needs you to teach him. Once he figures it out, he’ll end the relationship. And there you’ll be, taking care of Nell and feeling like shit about yourself as he goes back to the whoring jerk he really is.”

  “Did Dad tell you this?”

  “Yeah, and it kills him—so much he had a heart attack, driving himself crazy over it.”

  Michelle stiffened. “That’s not true. Neither of you know him. And as I pointed out to Dad, he was really getting along fine with Esa until he found out about us. Then, all of a sudden, he changed his mind!”

  “Uh, yeah,” replied Jamie, as if the reason were obvious. “Wouldn’t you, if someone was using your kid?”

  “You really think he’d do that to Nell?” Michelle paused, trying to wrap her mind around what her brother was saying. “The logic of this is so twisted, it doesn’t even make sense.”

  “What happened to all that shit you’ve always spouted about being a professional?”

  Michelle clamped a palm to her forehead, counting to five in her head. “I went over all this with Dad. Stuff happens. Did I know it was going to happen? No. Did I want it to happen? Hell, no. But it did, and I’m happy. Why can’t the two of you just be happy for me?”

  “Because he’s a dick, Michelle, and speaking for myself, if you expect me to be happy about the situation that caused Dad to have a heart attack, then you’re nuts.”

  Michelle wished she could slap her brother. “This was the ‘family stuff’ you wanted to talk to me about? Attacking me for no good reason? Trying to make me feel guilty over something I had nothing to do with?”

  “Keep telling yourself that. In the meantime, I have to ask you a favor.”

  Michelle looked up at the ceiling, laughing mirthlessly. “You’re unbelievable.” She looked back at him. “What?”

  “Don’t you fuckin’ dare upset him and talk about London. I’m serious.”

  “And if he brings it up?”

  “He won’t. Trust me.”

  Michelle’s body felt leaden as she pushed herself up from the chair. “Fine. Whatever. Can I see him now?”

  Jamie shrugged. “Go ahead. I have to go home and try to get some sleep. I’m pulling another overnight.”

  Michelle nodded curtly. What she had to say next wouldn’t come easy, but she knew it was the right thing to do. “I’m glad you were here, Jamie.”

  “Yeah, me, too.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek, the action seeming to soften his attitude toward her somewhat. “He’s probably asleep. Why don’t you just peek in on him and then go home and crash?”

  “Maybe I’ll do that.”

  Michelle waited until he disappeared around the corner before she burst into tears. Maybe her brother was right about her relationship with Esa causing her father’s heart attack, but he was still a jerk for hitting her between the eyes with it before she’d even seen their dad. What did it accomplish, apart from upsetting her more than she already was? It was a typical Jamie move. She put it down to stress. The only other reason she could think of for his cruelty would be his wanting to punish her, but that seemed pretty petty in light of what was going on. It was stress, definitely. She glanced at the swinging doors of the Intensive Care Unit, nausea creeping through her system. She didn’t want to see her dad with tubes in his nose, IVs, and hooked up to a heart rate monitor. He was a firefighter, for chrissakes. He was invincible, despite her always reminding him that that wasn’t the case. She wasn’t sure she could handle it. But she had no choice.

  41

  “I’m nervous.”

  Nell’s confession troubled Esa. The two of them were sitt
ing in the lobby of Claridge’s waiting for his parents to come downstairs for dinner. They’d made plans for six thirty, which meant that his parents would arrive exactly on time.

  He wished Michelle was here. Not just because he missed her, but because if anyone could thaw his parents, it would be her, and if they approved of Michelle, then they’d have to give him credit for picking a great nanny for Nell.

  She’d called him as soon as she got back to the apartment. It was three in the morning in London, but he didn’t care: he wanted to hear how her dad was doing. He’d never say it, but his opinion of her dad had dropped considerably in the span of just a few days. Funny how buddy-buddy he was until he found out things were romantic. Who the hell was he to judge? It also pissed him off that he’d marred Christmas for Michelle. Esa had a feeling that Michelle had painted what her dad had said to her when they talked in broad strokes, that if she told Esa the nitty-gritty of their conversation, his reaction wouldn’t be pretty.

  Michelle had sounded drained and distraught on the phone. Drained he understood; distraught was more puzzling, especially since she’d told him her dad had done really well. It had to be shock; then it dawned on him there might be some grief mixed in there as well. Her dad was alive, but the family had just had a huge reminder of his mortality. And mortality, as he knew from Danika’s abrupt death, could suck big-time.

  He tugged on the end of Nell’s ponytail, the way he’d seen Michelle do. “Don’t be nervous.”

  “But I don’t really know them. And mum always said they were mean.”

  It took Esa a few seconds before he figured out how to respond. “Well, they won’t be mean to you. And if they are, we’ll leave.”

  “I wish Michelle was here.”

  “Me, too.”

  Mention of Michelle cheered Nell. “Can I tell them we’re like a family now?”

  Esa puffed up his cheeks and blew out a breath. “Unfortunately, the answer is no. They wouldn’t understand.”