Hip Check

by Deirdre Martin

  “You’re reacting viscerally. You need to hear me out,” said Esa, taking a plate from her hand as she strained on tippy toes to put it back on a high shelf.

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Yes, you do, because when it comes down to it, she’s my niece and I can do as I please.”

  Instant stress headache. “So why even have this conversation, then, if you’re going to do want you want, anyway?” Which, by the way, nice to see you’re back to being a douchebag.

  “Because your understanding and approval in this matter is important to me,” Esa said quietly.

  Michelle’s fingers loosened around the butter knife in her hand. “I appreciate that.” She slid it into the cutlery drawer, dazzled by the shine of the silverware. You could never accuse Mrs. Guittierez of slacking off when it came to her polishing duties, that was for sure.

  “Should I make some coffee?” Esa asked.

  “Chamomile tea’ll be fine for me, thanks. I’m trying not to drink coffee anymore after six p.m. It keeps me up.”

  “All the worrying about your father,” Esa deduced.

  “Yeah.”

  “How’s he doing?” Esa asked politely.

  “Well,” Michelle answered. His doctors had all remarked on how fast he’d recuperated. Michelle knew that deep down, he really didn’t need her there anymore, but he wanted her there. He enjoyed the attention, and her brother still brought up the timing between Christmas and their father’s heart attack whenever he could, just to ensure she stayed guilty—as if she needed his help with that.

  “Is he taking care of himself?” Esa’s voice remained polite.

  “Yes. My brother and I have been helping him revamp his diet, and he’s been going to the cardiac rehab center, gradually building up his strength.”

  “If he’s doing so well, then . . .?” The end of the question hung in the air.

  “Soon,” Michelle snapped.

  “I hope so.” Esa looked back over his shoulder at her on his way to make the coffee and put up the electric kettle. “Nell misses having you live here full-time very, very much.”

  * * *

  Mugs in hand, they sat down at the kitchen table. One of the things Michelle had figured out over the past three months was that it made things much easier if she and Esa didn’t sit together on the couch. They sat together with Nell, because Michelle would never completely change direction and not spend time with them; plus, it would confuse and upset Nell too much. But in situations like this, when they were on their own and things needed to be discussed, the kitchen table was better.

  Michelle opened the conversation. “So. This insane idea of yours of bringing Nell on your road trip.”

  “It’s not insane at all.” Esa coolly sipped his coffee. That’s definitely one of the irksome things about him, thought Michelle, who’d been compiling a list in her head. He looked cool even when he did mundane things like sip coffee. King Cool.

  “So—?”

  Esa’s eyebrows knit together in an annoyed V. “You’re smirking, Michelle, which means you’re not going to take one word I’m saying seriously.”

  “I am. Cross my heart.”

  Esa remained skeptical. “First, it’ll give us a chance to bond.”

  “What, over postgame brewskies?”

  Esa stared at her.

  “Sorry,” Michelle muttered, ducking her head sheepishly. “Go on.”

  “She’ll think it’s cool, going on the road with me.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “It’ll be like being surrounded by a cool pack of uncles.”

  “And what’s she supposed to do when her uncles are practicing or actually playing?”

  “Lou Capesi said he’d watch her. They get along well.”

  Michelle stared at him, hard, lifting her mug to her lips. “Are you lying?”

  “No! This has all been carefully thought and planned out.”

  Michelle frowned. “Go on.”

  “As you know, we don’t do much during the day. We watch TV, rest.”

  “Oh, that’ll thrill her.” She pictured Nell alone in a hotel room while various Blades were passed out in their hotel rooms, snoring. Actually, as long as Nell had a book in hand, she had no problem being alone. But Michelle doubted she’d like it very much when she was supposed to be on a special trip.

  “We can take turns taking her to the movies, or museums, or shopping,” continued Esa. “Or she can just hang out with us. You know how much she loves Ulfie. God knows why. We can bring games: chess, things like that. She’ll have her laptop with her. She can Skype with you and with Selma.”

  “Hmm.”

  “Is that all you can say? ‘Hmm’?”

  Michelle rubbed at her left eye, which was throbbing a little, she was so tired.

  “I’m not going to lie, Esa: I have serious misgivings about this.”

  “Yes, I can see that. What do you think is going to happen?”

  Michelle tried to ignore the pain taking slow bites from the back of her head. “You let her go off with Ulf and he loses her. Or you lose her. Or someone tries to steal her. Or something.”

  “Michelle.” Esa’s voice was so soft she had to look away, the tenderness in it now creating pain in her heart. “She’s going to have a pack of bodyguards who like to hit people with sticks. I know how to take care of her. You know that. We’ll have adjoining hotel rooms like we did in London. I’ll tuck her in every night.”

  “What, at eleven o’clock? What if she doesn’t want to go to the game with Lou?”

  “She will. Trust me.”

  “I don’t like that evil little smile you’re trying to suppress.”

  “I’m not trying to suppress anything!”

  “Yeah, right.”

  “Isn’t this what you’ve been hoping would happen ever since Nell came to live with me?” asked Esa as he searched her face, heartfelt. “That the connection between us would deepen somehow? I think taking her with me could help.”

  Not much I can say to that, Michelle thought. She wasn’t sure this would help them get closer, but if that was what he believed, it was important she demonstrate some faith in him.

  “Okay,” she said reluctantly. “You’ve made your case.”

  Esa grinned. “Very good.”

  “But she has to check in with me every day.”

  “She already does that.”

  Michelle blushed. “Yeah, well . . .” Silence and tension. She cleared her throat. “I should go.”

  “You didn’t drink any of your tea,” Esa observed.

  “Not really thirsty,” Michelle mumbled.

  “Tomorrow—”

  “Your day, all day.”

  “That’s what I thought. Just checking.”

  Michelle got up and walked behind him to rinse out her cup and put it in the dishwasher. For some reason, she kept waiting for him to rise, too, but he didn’t. He just sat at the table, coffee mug in hand, thinking about God knows what. Michelle took a few steps toward him, wondering if she should touch his shoulder as she said good night. She thought about that shoulder. How muscular it was, and what it was like kissing the skin when they were making love and it was hot. The wonderfulness of leaning her head on that shoulder. She started to take another step, raising her hand, then thought better of it. She’d told him not to touch her. She had no right to turn around and then do the same thing. Hypocrite, she thought.

  “’night,” she said.

  “Good night,” Esa replied distractedly. He didn’t even turn to look at her as she walked past him. Michelle wondered where his mind was. Perhaps, she thought ruefully, it was still lost in all that silence and tension.

  44

  Day two on the road with Nell, and so far, so good, Esa thought to himself as he went to collect her from her hotel room, where she was supposedly teaching Ulf to play chess. He wished he could’ve stuck around to witness that. Instead, he was on his way back from icing his ankle. It had felt a little tight at practice t
his morning, and he couldn’t afford to ignore it before the game against Anaheim tonight. The last thing he needed was a nagging injury.

  Nell looked stunned when he’d asked if she wanted to go on the Blades West Coast trip with him. First question: “Is Michelle coming?” Second question: “Will Stanley be there?” After striking out twice, Esa uttered the magic but bitter words: “Uncle Ulf will be there, of course.” Suddenly Nell was excited about spending a week with the Blades.

  Lou had taken the news that Nell would be hanging out with him better than expected. Just when it seemed like Lou would never stop screaming in Italian, Esa told him it was Ulfie’s idea, just to change the subject and perhaps get Lou to make a joke. It didn’t work. “You just wait,” Lou had sputtered, pointing a sausage-sized finger in Esa’s face. “You just wait.” Esa had no idea what he meant.

  It still wounded Esa a little that Ulf continued to be such a draw for Nell. Esa knew he’d gotten much, much better when it came to relating to his niece. But there were still all these words inside him, bunched up tight like a fist, that he longed to say to her. He still felt, sometimes, like he was outside his body watching himself talk to her. You made her smile with that question about her friend Selma . . . that was good . . . He was constantly grading himself.

  He knocked lightly at her door. “Nell?”

  “Coming!” she trilled.

  The little girl who opened the door had long hair on the right side of her head and short hair above her ear on the left side.

  “What. The. Hell?”

  He slid past Nell into the hotel room to find Ulf sitting cross-legged on the floor with a pair of scissors in his lap. His Nordic locks were gone, replaced by a mutant Dutch-boy cut.

  “What the fuck did you do to Nell’s hair?” Esa yelled.

  “We’re playing haircutter,” said Ulf.

  “It’s fun,” said Nell. “First Uncle Ulf let me cut his hair, because—”

  “Has Uncle Ulf let you see yourself in the mirror?!”

  Nell shrank back. “Don’t yell at me!”

  “I will yell at you, because I know you know better!” He pointed to the mirror above the dresser. “C’mere. Come.”

  Nell looked afraid of him as she crept toward the mirror. She took one look at herself and started to cry.

  “See, you big Swedish moron!” Esa yelled at Ulf.

  “You came in before I got a chance to finish!”

  “Thank Christ for that!”

  He turned back to look at Nell.

  “I look like a mong!” she howled.

  This isn’t happening, thought Esa. This. Is. Not. Happening. “First of all, you don’t look like a mong. Second of all, you’re not supposed to use that word. Third, calm down. We can fix this.”

  “I hate you!” Nell screamed at Ulf. She fled to Esa’s room, slamming the connecting door.

  “Great. Just great.” Esa walked over to Ulf and picked up the scissors. “I should shove these into your brain. Seriously. What the fuck, Ulfie?”

  “I thought it would be fun.”

  “What the hell do you know about cutting hair?!” Esa turned over the scissors in his hands. “Are these actual haircutting shears? What the hell are you doing with haircutting shears?”

  “I use them to trim my split ends.”

  “I can’t fucking believe this. Seriously. Pop your head in there, apologize, and then get out of here while I figure out what to do. I’m not kidding.”

  “Sure, Esa. I’m sorry.”

  Esa perched on the edge of the bed. The next thing he heard was Nell screaming, “Get out!” at the top of her lungs. Holy shit, he thought. Where was the polite little British child now? He had a hysterical maniac on his hands. He whipped out his cell to call Michelle, and was just about to hit her number when he stopped. If he was serious about getting closer to Nell, this was something he needed to figure out on his own.

  He walked into his room. Nell was stretched out on his bed, crying into his pillow. “Go away,” she said, not lifting her head.

  “I’m not going away.” He sat down beside her. “We need to talk.”

  “I don’t want to.” She started to cry harder. “You’re just going to yell at me.”

  Esa put his hand on her shoulder. “I’m not going to yell at you. I promise. I was just shocked. Turn over and look at me.”

  The sight of her swollen, red rimmed eyes tore at him. He went to reach for a tissue but she was already wiping the moisture away with the palms of her hands.

  “Look,” he began. “I know you’re upset. But we can fix this.”

  “How?”

  Think fast, asshole. “We’ll talk to the concierge and get the name of the best hairstylist in town. Then we’ll go there, and we’ll have them cut your hair just like Michelle’s. How’s that?”

  “Michelle’s is nice and pretty,” Nell said with a snuffle.

  “That’s right, and now yours will be, too.” Esa smiled. “See? Problem solved.”

  Nell smiled timidly as she sat up. “Am I in big trouble?”

  “No. Not unless you do something this silly again.”

  “Thank you, Uncle Esa,” Nell said quietly.

  The words trapped deep inside him were slowly climbing their way up to his mouth, determined to be heard. He took a deep breath and started. “Listen, Nell. I need to talk to you about a few things. Don’t worry,” he said quickly. “Like I said, you’re not in trouble or anything like that.

  “I know it was hard for you to come live with me. You and I didn’t know each other very well, and I know you love Leslie a lot. Before you came, I didn’t know anything about little kids, especially little girls, and I was scared! I’m still learning. So that’s why it might seem sometimes like I”—he hesitated—“don’t know what to say, or why I might ask stupid questions, or do stupid things.”

  His heart was pounding. “I don’t want you to ever think that just because I’m not as fun or relaxed as Michelle, I don’t love you. I do, very much. I’m just not very good at saying it, and like I told you, I’m still learning. I need you and Michelle to help me. A lot.”

  “I know,” Nell whispered.

  Esa felt tears pushing at the corners of his eyes, and fought them. “I know how badly you miss your mum. I miss her, too. Sometimes I wish we talked about her more, because I think it would help us to feel less sad.” He swallowed, cupping her cheek. “It won’t upset me if you want to talk about her and cry. You don’t have to hold it all inside.”

  Nell’s lower lip trembled as the tears returned. This time, though, she put her arms around Esa’s neck, clinging to him. “I miss her so much.”

  “I know,” Esa said, his voice cracking as he held her tight. “I do, too. I think about her all the time.”

  “Me, too. Sometimes I’m afraid something is going to happen to you or Michelle.”

  “Nothing is going to happen to me or Michelle. I promise.”

  “Sometimes I’m afraid that Michelle will never come back and live with us because her dad will stay sick forever.”

  “Not going to happen,” Esa assured her. “Michelle told me he’s almost all better.”

  Nell pulled back to look at him. “And then will you two love each other again?”

  The words tumbled back down Esa’s throat. He was frozen, probably for too long if the disappointment on Nell’s face was anything to go by. “I don’t know.”

  “I hope you do,” Nell said sadly. “Those were the best days. Now things feel weird.”

  “Weird how?”

  Nell shrugged. “I don’t know. Just weird. It all just feels weird, weird, weird.”

  “Well, Michelle’s been under a lot of stress with her dad,” Esa explained, “and I’ve been under a lot of stress with hockey. So that might be why.” Yes, it was only part of the reason, but it was better than lying to her outright.

  Nell just nodded, returning to hugging him tight. “Uncle Esa?”

  “Mmm?”

 
“I love you.”

  Esa swallowed hard, holding her tighter. “I love you, too, Nell.” He made a promise to himself: for the rest of the week, he was going to be the one spending every day with Nell. If one of her tribe of uncles wanted to tag along, fine. But she belonged with him, and he wanted her there. There was so much lost time to make up for.

  He lightly kissed her temple. “Now let’s go get that haircut.”

  45

  “Oatmeal raisin cookies? These are pretty damn good.”

  Michelle smiled as she and her dad settled down on his couch to watch The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Her dad used to hate watching TV during the day, but he’d gotten in the habit during his convalescence. The last thing she’d expected was that he’d become an “Ellen” addict.

  “Glad you like them.”

  Her father was finally getting used to a heart healthy diet, and had dropped about twenty pounds. The cough was gone and his blood pressure was on its way down. Depending on their schedules, she and Jamie alternated bringing him to rehab. He was feeling great. Michelle, however, was feeling like hell.

  She was exhausted from going back and forth between Queens and Manhattan, and from the daily battles she fought with herself. You and Esa caused his heart attack. That’s ridiculous: he never took care of himself. He doesn’t need you here anymore. If you leave something could happen. Guilt was her predominant emotion. Guilt that her brother had been right, that the warning signs had been there and she’d ignored them. Guilt that she was letting Nell down, that she wasn’t there as much, that the reversion of her and Esa’s relationship to friendship was damaging her in some way.

  It didn’t help that her brother continued to be an asshole. If she heard, “Well, if you listened to me, this might not have happened,” one more time, she was going to punch him in the face.

  Her father reached for another cookie. “When’s the kiddo coming back from the West Coast?”

  “Two days.”

  “You seem a little lost without her,” her father observed.

  “I guess I am. I miss her.”