"About your college applications."
"I've already sent them off," she said, wanting to hurry up and get out of the door. She was meeting Evie and Brad for dinner tonight, and their reservation was in twenty minutes. It would take that long to walk to the restaurant. "There's nothing to talk about."
Her dad folded his arms, and she knew they were serious. "You need to rethink this plan of yours. Classical music is not a profession. It isn't reliable enough."
"It's my dream, dad, does that really mean nothing to you? How happy I am?"
He sighed, as though her happiness really was some kind of irritant. "You might be happy when you're studying, but will you be happy living paycheck to paycheck not knowing whether the next one will come? You want something stable, with security, and to play music on the side. Music is a hobby, not a career. Not unless you're the very best."
She snorted at that, shaking her head. "Thanks for the confidence vote, dad. And please don't tell me what I want. I don't just live to want what you want, believe it or not. I'm going to miss my reservation. See you later."
"To meet your boyfriend?" mom called after her.
"I don't have a boyfriend." It stung to say, because it was the truth. "I'm going to meet Evie and Brad."
Jasmine had made a decision yesterday, after being so miserable for the past two weeks that she was struggling to get out of bed in the morning. She had to tell them. She trusted them with her life, and this was something that was affecting her life so much she couldn't concentrate on her work, on school. Even playing the harp had stopped being the perfect distraction.
She missed Sebastian so much it was a constant ache. The wedding hadn't been a nice weekend away and a way to properly say goodbye to each other, it had been a taste of perfection, and having that dragged away left a gaping hole in her chest she had no idea how to fix.
There were still so many months of the school year left, and she had to spend day after day sat in his classroom, seeing his own regretful stare when he met her eyes, and it made it impossible not to feel miserable.
She hadn't told Evie and Brad that was why she wanted to meet them tonight, she didn't want the pressure of being asked what it was she had to say as soon as she turned up.
They knew something was wrong, though. Multiple times a day they asked her what was up, if she was okay, that maybe she needed to speak to someone.
She lied, which only made it hurt more. She'd never lied to her best friends before.
And that was why she eventually decided she had to tell them. Because she needed help, and they were the best people to give it.
They were already at the restaurant, eating the free basket of bread whilst they waited for her. She slipped into her seat and apologized, grabbing a menu. "My parents accosted me to tell me that I wasn't that good at the harp and I needed to follow some realistic dreams. Have you been here long?"
"Only a few minutes," Evie assured her, sipping on a drink. "Don't worry about it. Is that's what had you down the past few weeks? College?"
"Eh, not exactly." She wasn't ready quite yet. She needed to settle herself into the idea again, now she was in front of them, and work through the script she'd tried to come up with. "Have you decided what you're ordering?"
"I'm thinking of having the seafood chowder," Brad said, eyes still scanning the menu. "They have so much good stuff, though."
"I've been here before, it's really nice," Jasmine said, a small smile on her lips. She had to do this. It was right.
But she was putting Sebastian in just the tiniest bit of danger by risking it. She trusted her friends, to the end of the earth and back, but they still could technically tell someone, and that meant it was a risk.
"On a hot date with your fake boyfriend?" Evie raised her brows.
"We only did hot dates with his family." Jasmine laughed. "But actually yeah, it was one of those times that we came here."
"I'm having the lasagna. Which risotto are having?"
"The seafood."
"You're so predictable," Brad joked.
Jasmine sighed. "Trust me, after this evening is through you're not going to be saying that anymore."
Both her friends lowered their menus to stare. "Are we here to bare secrets?" Evie asked, gaze turning hungry. Everyone was a sucker for gossip.
The waitress had arrived before Jasmine could reply, though, and she ordered her drink and they all ordered their meals. She severely regretted that she wasn't old enough to drink yet.
When the waitress had left, her friends turned to stare once more. "So, spill the beans."
Jasmine cringed, fiddling with her napkin and unraveling it from the pretty shape it had been in. "Well, it's about Sebastian." She took a deep breath, but the words just refused to come out.
Evie frowned. "You can tell us. What's happening? Is something wrong?"
Jasmine pressed her hands to her face and refused to look at them when she said it. "He's Mr. Lane. Mr. Lane is Sebastian."
There was a moment's stunned silence before Brad let out a low whistle. "History Mr. Lane? You're serious?"
"Way too serious."
"So that's what's been getting you down," Evie said, as Jasmine finally pulled her hands away from her face and tried to gauge a reaction from her friends. They both just looked shocked, but there was no disgust. There wasn't any reason there should have been, really. They knew how old he was and hadn't had an issue with it, the fact he was their teacher made no difference now.
"I don't know what to do," she said, hating the tears that were already gathering in her eyes. She'd already cried enough for a lifetime over this. "I really like him. So much, you can't even imagine, and it can never happen. He wants to be a principal, for fuck's sake, he can't have a stain on his record like he'd get for sleeping with a student."
They both frowned at her, and Evie reached out and took her hand, which had gone back to playing with the napkin. "You'll work something out. I mean, does he like you, too? He obviously knows about your age and everything."
"He likes me too. That's what makes it worse. We'd be so perfect together, you have no idea how good we are, but the circumstances just make it impossible. It's just ridiculously depressing, I don't know how to cope with knowing that it's right there in front of me and I can't have it."
"You'll be together at the end of the year, right?" Brad asked, trying to lift the mood a bit.
"It's so far away. And I don't know, he was hurt really badly by his ex-fiancé and I know he's scared to be in a relationship again." Jasmine wiped her eyes where a couple of stray tears had escaped. "No, I know we'll be together when I graduate, I just don't know how it'll be. I mean, he was getting married. He's ready to settle down with a wife and kids and I want to do college and work. Our personalities are perfect, but what if we're not compatible in other ways? It's all just too overwhelming. I never even thought about having these problems before."
Evie squeezed Jasmine's hand, and she could see the tears shining in Evie's eyes. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea. I thought it was just some weird little chemistry thing where you didn't want to fuck because you'd lied about age."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys earlier, it's just so hard to talk about."
"It's better to talk about it, though," Brad assured her, taking her other hand and giving it a squeeze.
And she did feel better, having it all out in the open. Keeping the secret had probably been contributing to her bad mood more than she realized. "Thanks guys. I just, it's been making me so sad recently. It's still seven months until graduation, and that feels like a lifetime away. And... his dad's going to die soon and I want to be there for him, but I know I can't be."
Jasmine had told them about the failed wedding, but had failed to mention sleeping with Sebastian and truly admitting to herself how deeply she'd fallen for him. She recalled that with them now, over their Italian.
"It's unbelievably unlucky," Brad admitted when they were scanning the dessert menu. "But you'll
get through it. If you're meant for each other, then it'll work out, even if it's hard to go through this bit alone."
"And school is going to get really intense soon, you'll be so distracted that the months will pass in no time."
Jasmine nodded. "Actually yeah, I guess that's true. Sebastian said he was going to help me with getting my FAFSA changed so that my parents won't have to sign it for me to get help with college money. Maybe that'll mean I at least get to spend a little bit of time with him."
"That's really good of him," Evie said. "Do you talk at all out of school? Like text? Or Skype?"
"We figured it'd be best to stay as far away from each other as possible, so we don't get lulled into a false sense of security with it all."
"Probably for the best," Brad agreed. "It's not worth the risk. If you ever did get caught and he got fired, I don't think you'd come back from that."
Jasmine knew that too, which was why even at her lowest points she'd refused to give in and message him, just to have some company. She'd stared at her phone long into some of the nights, typed out drafts she'd never send, but she didn't give in.
She wanted Sebastian to be right there, waiting for her, when the year was over. She didn't want to have done something that might have possibly sabotaged it.
They all had massive ice creams sundaes, and Jasmine moaned as she ate the last spoonful. "So much better than the cheap ice cream I've been buying in abundance recently."
Evie laughed, setting down her own spoon. "This was actually really nice. We should go out to eat and stuff more often. I feel like we hardly see each other out of school except to get drunk at parties."
Brad chuckled. "I do like a good party, and the occasional shopping trip, but yeah, this was nice. Maybe without so many secrets next time, though," he teased.
"Trust me, I'm hoping that I don't have any new secrets to drop any time soon," Jasmine said. "I'm so done with stress, and I know it's only going to get worse with school. Hopefully Evie's right and it'll just pass by super quickly."
They paid the bill three ways and left together. They all walked in different directions, so Evie and Brad crowded her with a big hug in the parking lot of the restaurant.
"It'll all work out," Evie promised.
"And we'll always be here for you until the end of the year, when you're feeling down. Just give us a ring."
Jasmine hugged them back, tight. "I will, thanks guys. You're the best."
Twenty-Two
Jasmine
The last month had passed slowly, but it had passed. When Jasmine was feeling down she could turn to her friends, and they did a great job of cheering her up. The stress hadn't piled on at school yet, that would be coming after Christmas. Now it was late November, and the Christmas holidays were coming up.
When Sebastian called, after radio silence since the wedding, Jasmine knew what he was going to say.
She answered the phone with a clenched stomach and water in her eyes. "Hello?"
"Hey." His voice was thick with tears, and they streamed down her own face. "My dad passed a few minutes ago. I thought you'd want to know."
"I'm so sorry," she whispered down the receiver, trying to pull herself together. She knew how much Sebastian must be hurting, and that tore at her heartstrings. "Is there anything I can do?"
He hesitated, long, before sighing. "I just want to see you. Can you come round? To my apartment? I can pick you up, on my way back from the hospital."
Jasmine accepted in a heartbeat. "Of course, I'll look for your car from my window."
She sat at her window after having changed out of her pajamas into some jeans and a big fluffy hoody. She had a quick look around her room to see if there was anything in there she could take with her, to cheer him up, and found nothing. She was going in there completely blind, having never had to really cheer anyone up in her life. Not like this, anyway.
She'd dealt with petty things: Evie breaking up with her boyfriend of two months, Brad losing his third soccer game in a row.
Sebastian had lost the man who'd raised him, and he was going to be inconsolable.
Jasmine just hoped that being there would be able to offer some comfort. To lift his mood just a little bit.
The car pulled up ten minutes later, and Jasmine slipped out of the house as quietly as possible. It was nearly midnight, and both her parents were in bed. She didn't want to have to face them, their questions, and the possibility of an argument about her going out right now.
In the car, she could only throw her arms around Sebastian, who sat in the driver's seat with puffy, red eyes and a still shaking body.
He clung onto her, buried his face in her hair and sobbed for a good five minutes. She cried, too, and ran her fingers through his black curls, her heart bleeding for him.
She whispered nothings into his ear, trying not to let him know she was crying. This was about him, not her.
Eventually, he pulled back and swiped at his eyes. She did the same. "I'm sorry, about this, I just need to be with you. I can't spend the night alone, and Blake just wants to be with Sarah and mom wants to go to her friend's house to stay for a couple of nights."
She reached out and squeezed his hand. "I want to be with you."
They rode in silence, just the radio playing quietly in the background, and Jasmine tried desperately to think of how she was going to cheer him up. Distraction was surely the best way. She'd just talk to him, try and stop him thinking about the moment he'd just had to let his father go.
If nothing else, they'd just hold each other.
Inside his apartment, she went to the kitchen and put the kettle on. "I can get you something stronger if you'd prefer," she called back into the lounge, opening the cupboards to find the coffee. Instead, she found a jar of hot chocolate. She took that and opened the fridge for the milk.
"I think that would probably be a bad idea," he replied, voice rough. "I'm not sure I'd be able to stop."
Jasmine continued to rifle through the cupboards and found a bottle of whiskey. She put one shot in each of the hot chocolates. It would be just enough to take the edge off, and she wouldn't let Sebastian go back for more.
She passed him the mug and placed hers on the table, sitting beside him on the couch. He held his mug and stared straight ahead, the liquid too hot to drink straight away. Jasmine took it from his hand, ignoring that it burnt her fingers because he'd been holding the handle, and put it on the coffee table, too.
Then, she curled into his side and held him. Sebastian wrapped his arms around her and buried his head in her hair. "Can we go to bed?" he asked. She knew he didn't mean it sexually. "I just want to put on my pajamas and lay."
"Of course we can." Jasmine picked up the mugs and brought them with her, a lump in her throat as she took in Sebastian's slumped shoulders. He picked her out some pajama bottoms and one of his shirts to wear. Under other circumstances, she would have thought it was sexy, would have been dizzy with the smell of wearing his clothes. Tonight she ignored all of that and slid into bed beside him.
Sebastian sat between her legs, letting her run her fingers through his thick hair whilst he rested his cheek against her stomach. "I've never felt like this before," he whispered, arms hugging her thigh. "I thought that losing Callie was the end of the world when it happened, but this is agony. I can't believe he's really gone, forever."
"Tell me about him," she said. "About your childhood. About your favorite memories."
"It's funny, all my favorite memories of my dad are from more recently. When we were kids he was at work so often, especially since I was the youngest kid. When Lauren was first born my mom was so overwhelmed with having a new kid that he took some time off to help her out. By the time I came along she was well into her stride with looking after babies. He worked longer hours to save money so that we could have holidays and stuff.
"Actually, they're my favorite memories. We'd never go far, really, only within the State, often camping. It would just be the five of
us, though, for a week. We were never a family who fought. You always hear people talking about how they can't spend time in the same room as their families without falling out about something, but that just never happened with us. We all got on so well."
Jasmine listened, a small smile on her face. "That's really nice." She couldn't imagine anything like that. Her parents didn't argue, not really, but they weren't affectionate, either. They were all business, all the time. Sometimes she wondered whether they even knew what love was, or if they were just robots.
"It really was. When Lauren moved away it almost felt like the end of an era. Blake stayed around here for college, and then I moved, too. I'm always going to regret that, going to UCLA. I should have stayed here with my family."
"You said you had a good time there," she reminded him.
"But I missed out on four years with my dad. That's such a long time."
"Your dad will have been happy you were enjoying yourself there, living your own life. I'm sure right now Lauren feels like she regrets moving to Australia, but when it's calmed down, she'll realize it was an experience and she wouldn't be the same without it."
Sebastian rubbed this thumb against her thigh, thinking about this. "You're right, I know, but right now I just wish I'd spent as much time as possible with him. I feel like there are so many things I should have said."
"Your dad knew how much you loved him. Look at all these things you did for him before he died, you guys probably made him feel like the most loved man on Earth."
She felt his smile against her stomach. "Thank you."
Jasmine smiled, too, tears still glistening in her eyes. "It's true."
"I love you, Jasmine."
Her hand stilled, and her heart pounded. "I love you too," she replied without hesitation. "More than anything." And that was true, too.
He sat up and kissed her. It wasn't hard, and it wasn't sexual, but it made her entire body tingle with warmth. "I never want to let you go. These past few months, they've been unbearable, and now my dad's gone I just wanted to make sure that you knew how much I loved you."
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