Even with so many people around me, I feel lonely, so lonely my chest aches. It’s the same feeling I’ve had for the last four days, ever since the paramedics carried my husband out of our home. It’s a kind of loneliness that I know will never go away.
“Everyone, shut the fuck up,” Boz orders as he climbs on top of the bar so everyone can see him.
The entire club quiets as they stare up at him. “Today, we buried a member of our family. He was a brother to us all, but also a father to our VP and grandfather to our brother, Park.”
One by one, the brothers look to Smoke, Park, and finally me. “We can’t forget he was a husband to Lisa and also a grandfather to Trace, Marley, and Kayson. Being the man he was, he had a lot of love to give so he also has a whole slew of other kids running around the clubhouse that called him Grandpa, including my own.”
Unable to sit still while the entire club looks at me, I stand and take a step away from the couch. I lower my gaze to the floor, unable to take the pity in everyone’s eyes as they look in my direction. A second later, Smoke is at my side with his arms wrapped around my shoulders. I lean into him, just like I used to with his dad. A sob bubbles its way up my throat when Park steps up to my other side and grabs my hand.
“Round was a great brother. More than that, Carter Roundtree was one hell of a friend. He’d been by my side since the day I took the gavel. He taught me to lead by example, never take anything at face value, and always put the club first. It’s because of Round that the Grim Bastards are where we are today.
“I raise my drink to him today, knowing wherever he is, he’s watching,” Boz says, lifting his beer in the air. “Loyalty to the Bastards, one and all. We fight together, starve together, bleed together, and fall together. We are privileged, for we are Grim Bastards, until the day we die and beyond,” he shouts, modifying the pledge every member gives the day he earns his cut.
Staring up at the ceiling as if he can see Round looking down at him, Boz says, “Love you, brother.”
With that, he jumps down from the bar and walks straight to me. “My dad was a piece of shit.”
His words draw my eyes up, finding him only inches from my face. He looks at me as if he needs a response so I give him one. “Yeah, he was.”
What else could I say? His dad was a piece of shit. I could say he wasn’t, but Boz would know I’m lying. I could also tell him how sorry I am that a man as good as he is got stuck with a stupid fucker for a father, but I doubt that is what he wants to hear.
“When I was little, I used to pretend Round was my dad,” he says, his voice just above a whisper. “As I got older, I just kept on pretending.”
The tears I’ve been barely holding at bay come rushing forward as I step away from Smoke and Parker and wrap my arms around Boz. “He thought of you as a son, too. He told me all the time how proud he was of you.”
“My last name may be Creed, but in my heart, I’m a Roundtree,” he whispers, gives me a tight hug, and steps back.
He blinks back unshed tears and lifts his chin to Smoke. He does the same to Parker before turning away and heading toward his old lady. As soon as he reaches Trix, he grabs her hand and pulls her to the hallway. I watch them go, hoping that Trix can take away his pain. I rub my aching chest, knowing no one will ever be able to take away mine.
Chapter Three
As soon as Boz and Trix are gone, I turn to Smoke and Parker. “I’m gonna go grab a seat and take a load off.”
Smoke’s hand snakes out to gently push my rapidly graying hair behind my ear. “You want some company?”
“Nah,” I reply, knowing I will have all the company I need with people stopping by to tell me how sorry they are for my loss. “You go talk to your brothers.”
“We’ll go talk to the brothers if you’ll agree to eat,” he replies with a lift of his brow that makes him look even more like his dad.
“I will, but not just yet,” I say with a nod, hoping I’ll be able to hold it down.
He nods back, lowering his head to place a kiss against my forehead. “Okay, but let me know if you need anything.”
“Okay,” I reply, knowing the only thing I need I will never have again.
Smoke turns away and walks to the bar, but Parker stays by my side, walking me across the room. He leads me straight to the back, right to the couch Round and I used to spend so many hours on together, talking and laughing.
“Y’all, give my grandma a little space.” Motioning the people to move, he jerks his head in the opposite direction.
The couch is empty a second later, brothers nodding their heads as they walk by me. Parker pulls me around, placing me on my ass right at the corner of the couch. He looks around the room, making sure everyone knows to stay back, bends forward, and places a kiss on my cheek.
“If you need me, I won’t be far,” he whispers against the top of my head. “Love you, Grandma.”
I look up with my first honest smile in days. “I love you, too, Parker.”
He looks me over once more before turning away and walking across the clubhouse. He hasn’t even made it to the bar before Cam is plopping down beside me. He sets a beer on the table and jerks his chin in my direction.
“Grandpa always said a cold beer could fix just about anything,” he says, a cocky grin on his face.
I place the scraps of leather and pouch in my lap, grab the beer, pop the top, and take a long draw off the bottle. “Round was right.”
“Is it okay if I come spend the night next Friday? It’s Big Blue Madness. Doesn’t seem right not to watch it at y’all’s house,” Cam says with a shrug.
Cam, like Round, is a big University of Kentucky Wildcat basketball fan. Considering they both live in Tennessee, I never quite understood the fascination. I do understand it is something they shared, and losing that link is hurting the boy sitting next to me.
“Of course, you can.” I say, grabbing his hand to give it a squeeze. “You know you don’t have to ask.”
Someone sits on the arm of the couch, drawing my attention away from Cam. When I turn my head, I see Addy sitting there, smiling down at the boy she loves like a son.
“Brew wants you to help him carry in some kegs from the storage room,” she says to Cam as she bends down to pull me into a quick hug.
“Okay,” Cam replies, jumping up from his seat. “You gonna sit with Grandma?”
Addy pushes herself up and walks around my legs to take the seat Cam just left. “Yeah, I sure am.”
Cam leans down to kiss the top of my head and rushes to Brew’s side. Brew slings his arm around his shoulders and pulls him toward the storage room behind the bar. I watch as they talk, smiling as I witness the affection between them.
“You’ve got a good kid there,” I say, repeating words I have said to her a million times.
“He’s all Alex,” she replies with a sad smile. “Thank God, he didn’t get even a drop of Blake’s ugliness, not the kind that was easily seen or the kind that was hidden deeply in his cold, black heart.”
Reaching up, I place a hand against my heart, attempting to take the pain away. “I only met your sister once, and I was lucky enough never to lay eyes on her husband. But when I look at Cam, all I see is a perfect mixture of you and Brew. It’s like that boy absorbed everything good that you both had to offer.”
“I never told you about what Blake did to me,” Addy whispers, leaning against me to place her head on my shoulder. “I didn’t want you to look at me any differently.”
I have to hold in a gasp as pain crushes into my chest. “Addy, I would…”
She cuts me off by grabbing my hand and giving it a tight squeeze. “Over the last few days, I let myself think about the past. While I was thinking, I realized Round probably told you about Blake a long time ago.”
Yes, he did, but I refuse to either confirm or deny it. Round promised me to never breathe a word of Addy’s brother-in-law’s repeated rapes. My old man may be
gone now, but that doesn’t mean the promise will be broken.
“I also realized that you never treated me any differently, didn’t even look at me with pity in your eyes.” She continues to whisper, cuddling closer to me. “So, I got to thinking that maybe you understood a little better than the other women.”
I can hear her question, even though it was not asked. “I was never raped, but my sister was. It was a boy that she had a crush on. I remember her being so excited when he asked her out. But what I remember the most was how devastated she was when she got home after the date.”
I don’t go into detail, because it’s not my story to tell. Luckily, Addy seems to understand and doesn’t ask any questions. Instead, we both sit quietly for a minute, lost in the past.
“I always thought Brew was the one who saved me from Blake,” she says with a slight shake of her head. “Listening to the preacher talk today, I realized it was Round that finally got me to put all that shit behind me.”
She gives my hand a tight squeeze. “Don’t get me wrong, Brew made sure Blake would never touch me again. I never had to be afraid of him hurting me, but Round gave me the strength to let the pain go, and now, even the memory of Blake doesn’t hurt. Round helped me become whole again.”
“Huh?” I mumble, unable to put together a proper question.
“Round told me he had seen a lot of bad shit go down in prison. He said he watched more than one man walk out of the prison doors, leaving an important part of himself behind the walls.” She draws in a deep breath and pulls back enough to look at me. “He said the only ones that survived were the men that left that shit behind them and left the guilt to the ones that deserved it, the fuckers that forced themselves on them.”
Another pain crashes against my heart as my brain finally processes her words. “That happened to Round.”
Squeezing my hand again, she shakes her head. “I don’t think so, but I have a feeling he was talking about some of the brothers.”
As the pain eases, I look around the room. Studying the brothers that have been inside, I try to figure out who she is talking about. When I can’t, I realize it’s not my place to know. I also realize my old man was there for the ones who needed him to be.
“I miss him.” The words leave my lips before I even realize they are being said.
Cuddling back against me, Addy lets out a sigh. “Me too, and I’m pretty sure we’re gonna keep missing him until the day we die.”
Chapter Four
As Addy gets up and walks away, I let out a relieved breath. One down, a million more to go. There’s no doubt in my mind that every person in the clubhouse will come over to me tonight. I just hope that not every conversation is as intense as that one.
Hopefully, soon, they will just leave me alone. I know that sounds terrible. It’s not that I don’t love all of them and love what they are trying to do for me, but I can’t take much more. Talking about Round does make me feel better, but it also makes the pain worse at times. Hearing everyone agree about what a great man he was just makes me miss him even more.
Pru walks over with a glass of wine in each hand and sits beside me. “I didn’t figure you were in the mood for soda, but not really wanting beer either.”
I take the glass from her and nod to the half empty bottle of beer on the table. “Already had my fill of beer for the night.”
I take a sip of my wine, not wanting to be rude. I quickly set it on the table and hope she doesn’t notice when it isn’t picked up again. I just can’t drink it right now. Nothing tastes good to me, not even a cold beer.
“Do you remember the first time we brought a bottle of wine in this place? I thought sparks were gonna fly from Round’s eyes. He said that old ladies were supposed to drink beer or whiskey, not wine,” she says, swirling the purple liquid in her glass.
I smile at Pru, remembering the night she is talking about. “Yeah, and you stood up and told him you weren’t like other old ladies and you could drink whatever you wanted.”
“He said he couldn’t argue with that and never mentioned anything about me drinking wine again,” she says, smiling at the memory.
“Oh, he mentioned it, just not when you were around,” I say, shooting her a wink.
Her laughter fills the room. “Well, I need wine tonight for sure. I actually need wine any time Parker and Scarlett are in the same room together.”
Looking around, I see Parker sitting by the bar. He has a beer in one hand and another wrapped around a club whore, but his eyes are trained on Pru’s daughter. Scarlett is sitting at a table with Addy’s daughter. They’re talking to each other, but as always, Scarlett’s eyes are locked on my grandson.
“She’ll be eighteen soon,” I say, looking back at Pru. “There’s nothing you can do to stop it from happening. My advice would be just to sit back and wait. There are only two possible outcomes. They could end up happy, finding the one they were meant for when they were so young, or it could also turn into a shit storm and they’ll move on to someone else.”
“I don’t want her getting hurt,” she states, her voice hard. “I love Parker, but he’s got a lot of notches on his bedpost. I don’t want my daughter to get lost in the mix.”
Anger fills me, causing my heart to skip a beat or two. “Parker is like his dad. He met the love of his life when he was just a kid. He can’t have her just yet, so he is living his life the only way he knows how. But when he finally gets her in his arms, he’ll be every bit as faithful as Smoke is to Gidget.”
“I don’t understand that,” she says, anger flashing in her eyes. “If he loves her, why the hell does he fuck everything with a slit between its legs?”
I have to stop myself from getting pissed that she is talking about Parker in such a way. “My grandson is a Grim Bastard.”
This time, her eyes flash with shame, realizing who she is talking to and who she is talking about. “I know that.”
“Round always said it took a special kind of man to wear a Grim Bastards cut. He said they had to be strong but also had to have a soft heart. I’m thinking it’s that soft heart of Parker’s that loves Scarlett, but it’s that hard edge that has him turning to the club whores.” I give her hand a squeeze. “He’s trying to make himself let her go, trying to give her a chance at something better than just being someone’s old lady.”
She starts to say something, but I cut her off with another squeeze of her hand. “It won’t take Scarlett long to prove to him that being his old lady is better than anything else life has to offer her. When she does, he’s gonna love her in a way that makes her head spin and her heart race. Believe me, I know because that was the way his grandpa loved me.”
Taking another sip of her wine, she looks at me with a sheen of tears in her eyes. “You had an amazing old man, Lisa.”
Her words put an end to our conversation, so I nod. “Yes, I did.”
“What Round has done for Hack and I,” she starts but stumbles over her words. “There are just no words to express how grateful we both feel. I don’t think there are enough words in the English language to say thank you for helping us add another child to our family.”
When one of the prospects got some girl knocked up, the kid came to Round for advice. Neither the prospect nor the girl wanted the baby, but neither was too hype on the idea of having an abortion. He came to me, letting me know what was going on, and asked how it should be handled. In return, I told him about Hack and Pru.
Due to complications when Scarlett was born, Pru can’t have any more children. They also can’t adopt through regular channels because Hack spent a little time in prison. She doesn’t talk about it much, but the few times she has opened up were enough to let me know that having another child was her deepest desire.
My old man went to Hack first, not wanting to mention it to the kid before he knew for sure he had found an answer to the problem. Hack talked to Pru that very same day. Within twenty-four hours, they were all sitt
ing down talking to the club’s lawyers. Four months from now, there will be another baby around the clubhouse, and its last name will be Chambers.
“It’s a boy,” she whispers, another wave of tears filling her eyes. “We found out two days ago.”
“Just what we need, another male in the mix,” I say with a smile, taking my hand from hers and pulling her into a quick hug. “Congratulations.”
“His name is going to be Carter Roundtree Chambers. We want to name him after the man who brought him into our lives,” she says, reaching up to wipe a tear from her eye.
Feeling tears fill my eyes, I choke out a response. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in days.”
Chapter Five
I’ve had a total of ten minutes sitting here by myself, but I know that is coming to an end when I see my daughter-in-law walking in my direction, and I brace for the impact of seeing the pain in her eyes. I swear, it hurts so much I want to scream every time she looks my way. Looking into her eyes, I know my own have to look even worse.
Gidget hasn’t left my side, other than to go home and sleep, since Round died. She has been doing everything she can for me over the last few days. I haven’t had to fix my own plate, wash a dish, or even make my own bed. She’s always there to do it for me before I even realize it needs to be done. Even though I’m thankful, I am looking forward to her not being by my side tomorrow.
“How’re you holding up?” she asks, taking the now empty spot beside me.
“Okay,” I reply with a shrug.
Everyone keeps asking me the same thing. I know they’re just trying to be nice, but it takes every bit of strength I have not to scream. How in the hell do they think I’m doing? I just lost the only man I have ever loved. Every night, for the rest of my life, I’m going to go to bed alone. Even worse, I’m gonna wake up the same way.
Death Of A Bastard Page 2