Her eyes cut to Smoke and then down to the floor. “Are you hungry? I could fix you a plate.”
“What in the hell is going on with you and Smoke?” I ask, not bothering to answer her question.
Her eyes cut to Smoke and quickly back to me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lisa.”
Looking over at her, I do my best to glare her into submission. “I may have lost my husband, but I didn’t lose my eyes. You’ve been looking at him for the last hour, but every time he looks your way, you turn your head. Even though Round is gone, I’m still your mother-in-law, and I want to know what the hell is going on.”
It feels good to be able to focus on something other than Round’s death, even if that something is a squabble between Smoke and Gidget. Hell, I’d rather focus on the war between Good and Evil than think about going home to a cold bed that will never again be warm.
“You’ll always be my mother-in-law,” she states in a tight voice as she reaches out and grabs my hand. “Nothing will ever change that.”
“And you’ll always be my daughter,” I say, running my hand over my aching heart. “I don’t even need the in-law part.”
One side of her lip tips up. “You know I love you, right?”
“Just like you know I love you,” I return, giving her hand a squeeze.
Her gaze finds Smoke’s once again, and she lets out a frustrated sigh. “I’ve been terrible to Smoke, and I have no idea how to fix it.”
I’m sure she’s wrong. Gidget is a lot of things to Smoke, but terrible is not one of them. Great, wonderful, and fucking outstanding are some of the words I would choose.
“What did you do?” I ask, knowing that it can’t be as bad as she thinks.
“He lost his dad, and I’ve been more worried about myself than taking care of him.” She looks my way, tears pooling in her eyes. “I’ve been so caught up in my own pain that I haven’t been there for him. Hell, the day it happened, I completely lost it. He ended up staying awake half the night taking care of me because I kept waking up screaming.”
A part, a really fucking huge part, of me is jealous. I wish I had someone to comfort me that night or any of the nights since. Granted, Parker stayed with me the first two nights and Cam the next, but I did my best not to let either of them see me cry. Tonight will be my first time alone in the house. It took some begging to get a night to myself, and I only got everyone to agree to it after explaining I need a little time alone. To be honest, I need a little time to cry and not have to worry that someone is listening at the door.
“Did Smoke complain?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
She shakes her head, looking down to the floor. “He never said a word. I wouldn’t have even known about the nightmares happening if Trace hadn’t mentioned my screams the next morning.”
I pull in a deep breath and try to think of the right thing to say. “Did you ever think that taking care of you could be the one thing stopping Smoke from falling apart? Just maybe, being there for you is keeping him from losing his shit.”
Her eyes jerk to me. “But Round was his dad, not mine.”
“And if Round could hear you say that shit, he’d be putting you over his knee and showing you just how much of a dad he was to you.” Releasing her hand, I cup her tear-stained cheeks. “My man had two beautiful daughters. One lost her life to drugs, and the other spends her life trying to do the same.”
I have to calm my racing heart as thoughts of Cherry fill my mind. Ever since Round died, Smoke has done everything he can to get in touch with her. Of course, the last number we had has been disconnected, but he didn’t let that stop him. He called every person he knew that could have ever ran around with his sister. When that didn’t work, he sent some of the brothers out to hunt her down. They found her, but she wasn’t willing to come back with them. According to what little I overheard, her words went something like: Since I haven’t seen the bastard in the last ten years, I see no reason to go look at his body now.
Shaking off thoughts of Cherry, I focus on Gidget. “With both those beautiful girls lost to him, he felt pretty damn lucky to be able to call you his daughter.”
“Believe me, the honor was mine,” she whispers, a sob finally breaking free from somewhere deep inside her.
I pull her into my arms, running my hand slowly up and down her back. “I think it was an honor for both of you.”
She isn’t able to respond because Smoke is pulling her out of my arms. He has her off her feet a second later, whispering something in her ear. When he looks at me, I see just how close he is to losing it, so I keep my fake smile in place.
“Go take care of her,” I say, jerking my head to the hallway.
“You gonna be okay on your own?” he asks, but I can tell the last thing he wants to do is stand here and talk.
I wave my hand around the room. “I couldn’t be alone even if I wanted to.”
Lifting his chin to me, he turns and heads to the hallway. I watch them disappear from sight with one thought on my mind. I had just lied to Smoke for the very first time in my life. The sad truth is I have never been more alone in my entire life.
Chapter Six
Lettie takes the seat Gidget was just sitting in and tips her beer to her lips. She drinks it to the bottom, sets it on the table, then looks at me and grimaces. The anger in her face is so pronounced that I can’t help but laugh. The feeling of laughter is so unnatural it sends a wave of guilt right to my heart.
Laying a palm to my chest, I run small circles over my broken heart in an attempt to push the pain away. “Who pissed in your Cheerios?”
“Round,” she says, leaning back to place her head against the back of the couch. “I’m madder than hell at him right now.”
I blow out a relieved breath, glad someone else is feeling the same thing. I know it’s wrong to be angry at him. He didn’t leave me on purpose, but I’d still tear him a new asshole if he were here with me today. I’d only do so after holding him so close that it would take the jaws of life to pry us apart.
“I’m pissed, too, but I keep reminding myself this wasn’t his decision. Then I get pissed at God and start feeling guilty, so I go back to being angry at Round.” I confide in her with a shrug of my shoulders. “It’s a vicious and confusing circle.”
“I know I’m not Hoss’s one true love,” she says, changing the subject so quickly it takes a second for me to catch up.
I shrug again, unwilling to agree, even if what she says is true. “He does love you.”
Hoss made Lettie his old lady about fifteen years ago. It came as a shock to everyone but me. I had seen the heated glances pass between them too many times not to realize something was going on long before it became public knowledge. In fact, I believe it was going on long before their children got together.
Trix took it surprisingly well, considering how close she had been to her mother. Boz was okay with it, too, at first. He only voiced his objections after Lettie announced she was moving to the Satan’s Revenge clubhouse with Hoss. Then, he let everyone know how fucking pissed he was that his mom was moving away. He got over it, though. It just took a little time and a lot of loving from his woman.
“Yeah, he does,” she says, staring across the room at her old man. “I love him, too, but I’m smart enough to know the love he feels for me is only a fraction of the love he felt for Patty.”
I have no idea how to reply, so I just stay quiet. Everyone knows how much Hoss loved Trix’s mom. We also know a love like that only comes along once in a lifetime. Still, the love Lettie and he shares is a beautiful thing to see.
“I’m okay with that because I once loved someone with all my heart, too,” she states, her voice raspy with unshed tears. “The man I loved died when he took the Grim Bastards’ gavel. It was like, the minute he put on the president’s patch, he became someone else. So, by the time we buried his body, I had already long past grieved his soul.”
I’m so shocked that I reach out and grab her hand, holding it securely in mine. “I’m so sorry, honey.”
Lettie never talks about Boz’s father, not even when she’s had a few too many. It’s like she’s built a wall around his memory and is afraid the mention of his name will cause it to come tumbling down.
Her eyes are locked on mine, taking in every inch of my face. “I can’t say I know how you feel. If anyone does, they’re lying through their teeth. We all grieve differently. The only thing the same is we all feel pain. How much depends on the person. I’m guessing, for you, that pain is immeasurable right now.”
“It is,” I whisper, reaching up to press my fist against the ache in my chest.
“I don’t know if that pain will ever go away,” she states, squeezing my hand. “Even after all the women Boz’s dad slept with and all the other shit he pulled, it never went away for me. I do know that it will lessen with time. It will be more of an ache instead of a burning agony.”
“I hope you're right,” I reply, wondering if I will ever get to the point where the pain of Round’s loss is bearable.
“I promise, it will fade a bit as the years pass.” Still looking at me, she tilts her head to the side. “You look exhausted. Why don’t you go to Round’s room and get some rest?”
I move just a hair closer and whisper, “I want to go home. I need to go home, Lettie. There hasn’t been a moment’s peace in the last four days. Someone has been by my side every second of the day. I need to be alone in my home so I can have a chance to deal with this myself.”
Her eyes pinch nearly shut as she asks, “Why don’t you go home then?”
“I’m afraid that, if I try to leave, someone will follow me. I made all the kids and grandkids promise to give me a little time to myself tonight, but I’m afraid they’ll back out of that promise as soon as I try to leave.”
Her eyes quickly scan the room and come back to me. “My purse is in Boz’s room. Let me grab my keys out of it, and you can take my car. I’ll drop yours off at the house before Hoss and I head home tonight.”
I pick up the leather pouch that holds a piece of each brother’s cut, along with my purse that someone set beside the couch, stand up with her, and follow her through the common room. “Are you sure?”
“Of course, I am,” she replies, heading straight to Boz’s room. “You’ve been one of my best friends for the last twenty years or more. If you want peace and quiet, that is what you’re gonna get.”
“Thank you,” I say, taking the keys from her after she fishes them out of her purse.
We’re quiet as we walk to the back of the clubhouse and sneak out the kitchen door. As she leads me to where her car is parked, I point to where mine is sitting near a row of bikes in the front.
“Hoss says we’re not gonna stay too late. Still, you’ll probably be asleep by the time I drop off your car. So, just put my keys under the driver’s side mat, and I’ll do the same with yours,” she says while pulling me into her arms and giving me a tight hug. “I better hear from you in a day or two.”
“You will,” I reply, hugging her back every bit as tight.
I quickly get in the car and start the engine, wanting to get out of sight before anyone has a chance to stop me. As I drive through the gate, I get a feeling this may be the last time I ever visit the Grim Bastards’ clubhouse. Why should I without Round by my side?
Chapter Seven
After pulling in my driveway, I cut the engine off and toss the keys under the mat. Grabbing my purse and the leather pouch, I open the door. Just as I’m about to climb out of the car, my phone rings. I’m tempted to ignore it, but then someone will probably show up.
Stepping out and shutting the car door behind me, I pull my phone out of my purse and see Trix’s face on the screen. “Hey, darlin’.”
“I didn’t get to tell you goodbye,” she says, sounding near tears. “When we came out of Boz’s office, you were just gone.”
“I was tired,” I explain, hoping she will let it drop.
“Oh,” she mumbles and takes a deep breath. “How about I come over tomorrow and we can share a pot of coffee or even a bottle of Jack?”
I want to shout that she needs to give me some time by myself, but I try to keep my voice gentle instead. “How about we meet up Wednesday and head to Lucky Bamboo? I haven’t had Chinese in ages.”
“That’s three days away,” she says, sounding like I’m trying to make plans for next year and not a few days from now.
Closing my eyes, I draw in a deep breath and try to ignore the pain ripping through my heart. “I need a little time to myself, Trix. Imagine if it was Boz we buried today. Wouldn’t you want some time alone to replay all the good memories in your head? As stupid as it sounds, I want to stare at his picture and run my hand over his clothes. I may even light one of his cigarettes, just to smell his scent again.”
“That doesn’t sound silly at all,” she whispers, followed by a broken sob.
“Just give me ‘til Wednesday. By then, I’ll try to have my shit pulled together,” I say, barely holding back a sob of my own.
“I can do that,” she replies, tears clouding her voice. “I’ll spread the word, so you won’t have any visitors until then.”
“Thank you,” I reply, letting out a relieved breath.
Trix won’t be able to stop the brothers from coming, but she can stop the old ladies. Well, not Gidget, but the other ones will stay away if she tells them to. Gidget won’t listen, and she knows she doesn’t have to. She’s welcome here, even if I don’t want any company. This is her home, just like it’s Smoke’s and their children’s home, too.
“Do you remember that time that Leland came home with his foot in a cast and wouldn’t tell any of us what had happened?” she asks, thankfully changing the subject.
I laugh, remembering the day clearly. “Not every boy can say their first broken bone came from checking out a chick while learning to ride a motorcycle. Maybe if the girl hadn’t been standing so close to the telephone pole, he wouldn’t have hit it.”
Round thought that was the funniest shit he had ever seen. It was his third day of practicing with Leland and the first day he let him leave club property. They’d barely made it a mile past the gate when Leland’s attention had turned from his first real bike ride to the pretty brunette in a short skirt walking her dog.
Trix laughs along with me. “He has kept that story secret from his brother and sister, not wanting them to give him shit about it, but I heard him telling James about it this morning.”
“Really?” I ask while opening my front door and locking it behind me.
A chill hits me as soon as I step inside. Then I remember Round talking about switching the air off and the furnace on. Considering I have no idea how to do that, I’ll just have to deal with being cold tonight.
“Yeah, he was telling James that it sucked that Round isn’t gonna be here to teach him how to ride.” With that, her laughter is gone, and the tears are back. “But, he said he was the last one to be taught by his grandpa, and some day, he’d take his place and teach the kids himself.”
Just like Trix, my laughter is gone in an instant. In its place is deep loneliness and excruciating pain. My heart is twisted with agony so strong that I’m forced to lean against the wall to keep from going to my knees. After a few seconds, I’m finally able to draw in a deep breath and push myself away from the wall.
Walking from room to room, I cut off all the lights. “If that’s what Leland wants to do, he’ll make it happen.”
I walk into the bedroom, toss my purse in the chair in the corner, and look around at all of Round’s things. Other than his cut, which he was buried in, everything is still in its place. His wallet is on the dresser where he removed it the night before he died. Some loose change and his cigarettes are sitting beside it. His jeans are still lying by the end of the bed because I couldn’t let them be moved.
When my eyes
land on the picture of the two of us that has set on the dresser for more years than I can remember, tears trickle down my cheeks. I rub my aching chest, just wishing this pain would go away long enough for me to get control of my emotions.
“I know you’re tired, so I’m going to let you go and get some rest,” she says, her voice back to its normal tone. “You just remember I love you.”
“I love you, too, sweetheart,” I reply, hanging up before she can say more. I lay my phone down on the dresser and lift the leather pouch to my nose. I take a deep breath, enjoying the leather smell before laying it beside the picture of Round and me.
As I step to the end of the bed, another pain shoots through my chest. This one is different, not the ache I have been feeling all night long. Not even the brief flash of agony I felt a minute or two ago. This one is so strong it takes my breath away and lasts so long I’m nearly ready to pass out before it starts to ease.
Part of my brain is telling me to call 911, but another part is saying I’m overreacting. I decide to go with the second part and grab the shirt that Round wore the day before he died. It hasn’t been washed and only holds the faintest bit of his scent still, but I still wear it to bed every night and plan to for as long as I can. As soon as it is on, I climb into bed and wrap my arms around Round’s pillow.
My eyes are barely closed when another pain hits my chest. This time, it shoots up and down my arm, too. I know I should be calling someone, but the sight of Round’s smiling face fills my mind, and I decide against it and force my body to relax.
The next pain hits so hard that my mind starts to fade. Fear hits me for just a second before the sound of a familiar motorcycle hits my ears. The roaring of its pipes fills me with such peace that I let the darkness take me with a smile on my face.
Chapter Eight
Parker
Climbing off my bike, I’m surprised to see no lights are on in the house. Grandma’s car is in the drive, so she’s gotta be here. There’s no way she’s asleep already at barely seven o’clock. As I head to the door, I’m even more surprised. Grandma usually swings the door open before I can even step onto the front porch.
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