by J. E. Parker
She still got her revenge in the end.
“What happened after that?” Anthony asked, unable to remain silent any longer. I was honestly surprised he’d lasted that long. God knows he’d been intermittently growling like a pissed off junkyard dog for the last few minutes. “If you tell me you had to leave again and were forced to live on the street, I swear to fucking Christ, I will drive to Alabama tonight and murder that bitch with my bare damn hands!”
I whipped around so fast my head spun.
Eyes bulging, I looked at Anthony. “Excuse me?”
Clenching his hands into fists, he crossed his arms over his chest and bowed his head. “Shelby,” his voice was strained, “I haven’t ever been this pissed off.” Shoulders shaking, he looked up at me with hard eyes. “Not once in my life have I laid my hands on a female but—”
I held my hands up, cutting him off. “Don’t, Tony.” Shaking my head reverently back and forth, I continued, “don’t finish that sentence.”
His brows furrowed. “What?” He took a step closer. “Baby, you can’t tell me that you still care about her, that you—”
I once again cut him off. “No,” I hurriedly replied. “I don’t care about her, but you’re too good of a man to say what you were about to.” I shook my head. “You would never hurt a woman. Not even one as evil as her.”
His face softened. “That sounds an awful lot like you’re beginning to trust me, sunshine.”
I shrugged my right shoulder. “Partially.”
He stepped forward. Wrapping a lock of my hair around his finger, he examined the golden strand. “Partially, huh?” I nodded. “Explain that, sweetheart.”
I slid my arms around his waist and rested my chin on his chest. Our eyes met. “I trust you with my safety”—I paused to press a kiss to his shirt covered sternum—“and I trust you with my body”—another kiss—“but I’m having a heck of a time convincing myself to trust you with my heart.”
His hands cupped my jaw, and he tilted my face up. Dipping his head, he touched the tip of his nose to mine. “We’re going to have to work on that, gorgeous.” His right hand slid from my jaw to my chest where it came to rest over my rapidly beating heart. “Because this right here,” his eyes bored into mine, “is what I want more than anything.”
I want you to have it. I just don’t know how to give it to you.
“Tony.” My voice shook. “You scare me.”
“Yeah.” His lips hovered over mine. “And why is that?”
Push him back, my mind screamed. He’s getting too close.
I remained silent. My head and heart were going in different directions. It was ripping me apart and confusing the hell out of me. I didn’t know what to do, what to say.
Anthony, however, refused to let his question go unanswered. “Talk to me, Shelby.” I slammed my eyes shut. I couldn’t— “Open up to me, baby. Let me know what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.”
Much as I tried, I couldn’t disobey him. Not right then. “I already told you. You make me want things I can’t have.”
“Things like what?”
Things like a father for my son and a husband for myself.
Forcing a smile, I pulled away from him and took a step back. “Doesn’t matter.” I winked at him and tried to add a dose of attitude to my tone. “Now, are you ready to listen to everything else I have to say? Or are you going to keep interrupting me?”
To my dismay, he didn’t smile.
“Depends. How much uglier does it get?”
His words were like a one-two punch to my chest. Reeling, I clenched my jaw and gritted my teeth. My rage skyrocketed. If he thought that part of my past was ugly, what would he think about the rest? Because trust me, the things that I hadn’t told him yet were far worse than what I’d gone through while living with Mama.
Balling my hands into fists, I moved towards him. “Sugar, if you think what I just told you is ugly then maybe it’s best I keep my mouth shut about the rest.” My mind felt muddled; my brain foggy. “Lord knows I wouldn’t want you to see me even worse than you already do!”
I was being irrational. I knew that. Still, I couldn’t control the hurt welling up inside of me. After Anthony spilled his guts to me at the restaurant, I’d decided to tell him everything. I wanted him to know about my past; wanted him to see the real me because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide it much longer. When he looked at me I felt like he could see more than anyone else; Maddie included.
But I realized opening up was all just a big mistake.
Didn’t matter how beautiful the words he spoke were, the truth was, someone like Anthony could never love someone like me. For a moment, I’d allowed myself to hope, allowed myself to believe that he could, but I was wrong.
So. Fricken. Wrong!
All he’d ever see when he looked at me was ugliness.
Didn’t matter how many times I tried to scrub it away, my filth would always remain, shining bright and clear for the whole world to see.
Run, my mind whispered. Run away now.
Heartbreaking, I shook my head and ripped my gaze from him. “You know what?” I took a step back. “Never mind,” I hissed, waving my hand in a dismissive gesture. Moving across the room, I picked up my purse from the sofa. “I can’t do this.”
Straightening my shoulders, I held my chin high and walked to the door.
The moment my fingers wrapped around the knob, Anthony’s hands landed on my hips. He spun me around so quickly, my purse flew out of my hand and skidded across the hardwood floor before coming to a stop against the living room wall.
My back slammed into the wall, and all the air left my lungs in one quick swoosh.
An arm circled my lower back, and a hand landed on the back of my neck.
“What did I tell you about running from me?” Anthony’s nostrils flared.
I shoved him. “Let me go.” Tears blinded my vision.
Anthony shook his head. “No,” he growled. “I’m not letting you walk away from me.”
My anger flared, and I pushed him harder. He didn’t budge. I may have been strong for a woman, but I wasn’t that strong. “I’m not going to ask you again, Tony! Let me the fuck go!”
His jaw clenched. “I will never let you go.”
I froze; memories triggered by Anthony’s words bombarded me. “I will never let you go, Shelby Ray,” the monster’s voice whispered in my head. “You will always be mine.”
My arms fell limply at my sides. Gaze becoming unfocused, I felt the panic begin to rise; felt the blackness begin to stir. Heart racing, my fingers and hands tingled.
Push the darkness back. Fight it.
The monster isn’t here, Shelby. You’re safe.
“Shelby,” Anthony’s voice held an edge of worry, a trace of panic. “Look at me.”
No.
I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to handle seeing the disgust in his eyes. Much as I hated it, he was about to get a good look at the real me; the hideous part of me that I could no longer hide.
My chest rose and fell erratically; my head spun.
“Back,” my voice shook, “u-up.” A lone tear slipped free.
Hands latched onto my jaw. Anthony tilted my head back. “sunshine,” he said in a firm tone, “look at me.” Another tear. I wasn’t sunshine. I was darkness. “Open your eyes.” Terror loomed. His large hands slid to my cheeks; calloused palms cradled my face. His touch was soft, loving. “I need you to open your eyes and focus on my face.”
More tears.
I couldn’t open my eyes. If I did, the panic would overwhelm me.
Anthony pressed his body into mine. Dropping his hands, he wrapped his arms around my back and pulled me closer. My breasts met his upper stomach, and my hands landed on his chest. I felt his heartbeat through my palms.
The calm beat anchored me, gave me comfort.
Anthony’s forehead rested against mine.
His warm breath ghosted over my face, and his sc
ent filled my nose seconds before his soft lips met my clammy cheek.
“You’re safe, Shelby.” His hands massaged small circles on my lower back. “I’m right here, baby. I won’t let anything or anyone hurt you.” The ache deep in my chest grew. “Just breathe for me.”
I inhaled.
“Good girl.” Another kiss, this time an inch lower. “Now do it again.”
I took another breath.
“Let it out.”
I exhaled.
He gently swayed my body from side to side. “There is no danger, gorgeous. It’s just you and me.” His warmth bled into me; the panic began to recede. “Let me see those pretty blue eyes, Shelby.”
My eyes slowly fluttered open.
One of Anthony’s hands slid into my hair. “There’s my girl.” His long, adept fingers massaged my scalp. I shivered in response “You listened,” his raised his brows, “it’s a fucking miracle.”
I wanted to roll my eyes, wanted to smack his hard chest playfully, but I couldn’t do either of those things. Still gripped by lingering—albeit fading—fear, I could do nothing but stare up at him, the man who’d kept me from sinking into the blackness that served as my own personal hell.
No one had been able to do that before.
Not even Maddie.
“Just keep breathing.” A thumb caressed my lower lip. “I’m right here.” Lifting my hand to his mouth, he pressed a kiss to my knuckles. “And I’m never going to leave you.”
My lead-filled legs shook as fatigue set in. All the fight that I’d possessed minutes earlier had disappeared. Suddenly, I was too weak to stand. “Tony,” my voice was merely a whisper, “I need to sit.”
Not able to take a single step, I started to drop to the floor.
“You are not sitting on the damn floor,” Anthony hissed, slipping an arm under my legs and another under my back.
Picking me up, he carried me to his bedroom where he deposited me on the left side of his big bed. Eyelids heavy, I felt like I was a second away from passing out. The panic had zapped every ounce of energy from my body, exhausting me.
“Hold on, baby.” Anthony walked to the opposite side of the room where he turned off the ceiling light. The room was encased in darkness.
I sucked in a breath.
He flicked on the small lamp beside the bed. The light spilled across half the room, bathing the area around me in soft, white light. “I’m so tired,” I said with a sigh, my eyes fluttering closed on their own accord.
Anthony’s fingers encircled my ankle. He pulled off one of my sandals, followed by the next. His hands then flew to my shorts. After unbuttoning and unzipping them, he slid them down my legs. “Tony…”
“Shhhh, baby. I just want you to be comfortable. I swear I won’t touch you unless you ask me to.” He placed two fingers under my chin and turned my face to his. My eyes were still closed, but I felt his stare boring into me. “I meant what I said, Shelby. I will never hurt you.”
My eyes slid open, and my gaze crashed into his. “I know.”
Placing one knee on the bed, he hovered over me. “But somebody else did hurt you, didn’t they, sunshine?” His head dipped towards me, and he placed his face in the crook of my neck. My arms encircled his strong, broad back; his muscles twitched beneath my hands. “Who hurt you, baby?” A light kiss tickled the base of my throat. “Tell me their name.”
I didn’t allow myself to take a breath before answering. Needing to say it, needing to set the truth free, I whispered, “Damien.” Anthony’s entire body stilled. “His name is Damien.”
21
Anthony
The sun was beginning to rise.
I hadn’t slept all night, not a single wink.
Holding Shelby tight in my arms, I’d done nothing but stare at her.
I’d counted her breaths, memorized the beat of her heart, and continuously run my fingers through her silky hair. And I did all of this while simultaneously plotting the death of a man named Damien.
I needed more information about who he was and how I could find him. I’d been on the verge of pushing Shelby to tell me more the night before but thought better of it. After watching her suffer through a panic attack, I knew I couldn’t force her.
She’d tell me when she was ready.
I only hoped she was ready sooner rather than later.
After hearing how she’d grown up and what her mother had done to her just so she could score free dope, I was on the verge of snapping a few necks. I’d never been a violent person, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could end Shelby’s mother’s life without batting an eye.
The woman didn’t deserve to live after what she’d done.
Selling her own daughter for drugs on top of all the other stuff she’d already made her suffer through? Mother or not, she needed to be put in the ground.
And Damien—I still didn’t know who he was or what he’d done, but I was going to find out, and when I did, I’d likely need to dig a hole big enough to bury two bodies.
Knowing that someone had hurt Shelby made my blood run cold. How anybody could cause her harm, I didn’t know. She was beyond beautiful, had a heart of gold, and was an amazing mother. Even after all the stuff she’d endured, she was still standing when most people would’ve fallen apart long ago. Despite what life had thrown at her, she’d laced up her boots, dug in her heels and fought to keep going.
My girl was mighty. Fierce.
I was so damn proud of her.
“Tony,” Shelby’s groggy voice cut through my thoughts, “you awake, sugar?”
I ran a fingertip down the side of her face. “Yeah, baby.” Rolling to her back, she opened her eyes and looked up at me. A small smile spread across her sleepy face and my stomach twisted in knots. This is what I want to wake up to every day for the rest of my life. Throat thick with emotion, I choked out, “Morning, gorgeous.”
Rolling to my side, I cupped her face in my hands. I couldn’t resist waiting another second to taste her lips. My head dipped, and our mouths met. Shelby moaned in response and wrapped a hand around my bicep.
Licking along the seam of her lips, I beckoned her to open for me.
She did.
Sliding closer, she pressed her chest into mine. My hand slid from her hip to her lower back. Her tongue slipped into my mouth, and an electric current surged through me.
Jesus Christ.
When she wrapped her little hand around my hard cock, I ripped my mouth from hers. “Shelby,” I said, shaking my head. “Baby, I don’t want you to feel pressured into doing this again. I’ll wait. I don’t—”
She pressed a finger to my lips, silencing me. “I know you won’t pressure me.” Her trust filled eyes stared straight into mine. “It’s why I slept beside you last night. I knew that my body was safe next to yours.” She visibly swallowed, and I felt her hand shake against me. “I know you would never take something that I didn’t offer you. You’re not like that. Not like—”
She abruptly stopped speaking and slammed her eyes shut. Ice ran through my veins. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what she was saying. “Shelby…” I forced myself to stay calm, forced my voice to remain steady. “Is that how you were hurt? Did someone force you—”
My chest tightened, and my throat began to close. I couldn’t have pushed the words out if my life had depended upon it. To think that someone could have possibly hurt her in that way… I couldn’t handle it.
Shelby shoved at my chest. I moved back, knowing that she likely needed space. She sat up on the bed and pulled her knees to her chest. Wrapping her arms around her legs, she stared down at the comforter, a dazed expression covering her face. “I need to tell you a story.”
I moved so that I was sitting directly in front of her. I tried to take her hand in mine, but she shook her head. She didn’t want me to touch her. Not yet. “I want you to tell me everything.” I pushed a strand of hair out of her face. “But before you say anything, I need you to understand s
omething.” She silently waited for me to continue. “It doesn’t matter what you’re about to tell me; I won’t look at you any differently. You are not your past, baby. It doesn’t matter how dark whatever you’ve been through is, you’ll always be my sunshine.” Her eyes filled with unshed tears. “Now, talk, sweetheart.”
Shelby reached over and entwined my fingers with hers. “A couple of weeks after the day I fought with Mama, this guy started hanging around. He was a low-level dealer, sold mostly weed, a little bit of X.” She pinched the bridge of her nose between two fingers. “He, uh, took an interest in me pretty quick. He was older, twenty-two.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “He seemed to like me. He’d come by every night, and we’d sit outside the trailer for hours just talking.” Silence reigned for a minute or so. “I fell in love with him,” she paused, “at least, I fell in love with who I thought he was. But the guy I thought I was in love with didn’t exist.”
“Baby…”
“Shhh,” she replied, pressing a finger to my lips. “Let me finish, sugar.”
I nodded, urging her on. “After a few months, he started getting possessive. He wouldn’t let me leave the trailer unless he was with me. Even when I got a job working at the dry cleaners, he would take me to work, then take me back home.” She started chewing on her thumbnail. “A lot of times he sat out front while I was working.”
I’d seen this sort of behavior she was describing in hundreds of perps while working in SVU. They were always the same: possessive, jealous, abusive.
“The first time he hit me was on my seventeenth birthday.”
My hands clenched into fists.
I was going to find him, and then I was going to kill him. Cop or not, the son of a bitch had hit my woman. Therefore, he was going to die.
“It snowballed from there.” The first tear slid down her face. It was the first time I’d seen her cry. “I tried to leave him; tried to escape, but I had nowhere to go. I didn’t know about shelters and other resources like that. If I’d only known then what I know now...”