Finding Julia

by Desiree Holt

  The waiter bowed, his face a trained, impersonal mask, and left to get their drinks.

  “You remembered.” Her face heated.

  “Of course.” The deep timbre of his throat vibrated straight through her.

  “But d-doubles?” she stammered.

  “They last longer.” Luke laughed. “Just sip slowly.”

  “It’s a good thing you ordered some kind of food. I barely ate anything at lunch.”

  Another knock on the door and the waiter entered with their drinks and the cheese platter. Placing them carefully on the table, he bowed again and left the room.

  “To you,” Luke said, raising his glass in a toast.

  Julia saw his eyes watching her intently. “Thank you. To you, too.” She took a swallow of the smooth liqueur, hoping to still the trembling in her hands. She was so nervous she had to put her drink down on the table before she spilled it.

  “You’re still wearing the charm.” He smiled. “You have no idea what that means to me.”

  Automatically she touched it. All these years it had been her only link to him, a talisman that gave her strength on her worst days. “I never take it off.”

  “I’m going to take that as a very good sign.” Luke watched her with his hot, penetrating gaze. “I asked Claire if it would be a problem in case you didn’t make it home tonight. She assured me it wasn’t.” He winked at her. “I think your friend enjoys a good fairy tale.”

  “Luke!” She felt the blood leave her face and shook her head. “No. I can’t do that.” She started to push back from the table. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here. This is a big mistake.”

  “A mistake?” His hand reached for hers, gripped it, and his eyes bored into hers. “I can’t accept that.”

  “Please.” She tried to pull her hand away. “You don’t understand. Among other things, I have a daughter to think of. She’ll ask more questions than I want to answer.”

  “Got it covered. Claire’s definitely taking her out to eat—someplace she’s hot to go to—and back to her house for the night. Apparently, this is some kind of special treat for your daughter. Claire said they’d have a girls’ makeup night?” He looked at Julia for confirmation.

  Julia bit her lip. “Courtney does idolize Claire lately. It’s a big change in her attitude for which I am eternally grateful. So, yes, this will be extra special for her. B-But—”

  “Julia.” His voice held her as if glued in place. “Whatever it is, don’t run away from it. We have so much unfinished business. Please. Just sit down.”

  She slowly lowered herself to the chair again, picked up her drink, then swallowed some of it. “Well.” She took a moment to settle the butterflies. “Maybe Claire can pick up where Beth left off and keep it toned down from four layers to two.”

  “Sounds like she’s going through typical teenage rebellion,” he commented. “I faced similar challenges with my boys, only theirs didn’t include makeup.” He paused. “I was surprised to hear that you and your husband reconciled.” His voice was even. Uninflected. But beneath it a wave of emotion was cresting.

  “How did you know about that?” His comment took her by surprise. She could only imagine what he thought.

  “Claire kept me pretty well informed.” He gave her a serious look. “You were never out of my mind. Just because I didn’t see you, didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about you.” He reached across the table to touch her hand again. “And you? Did you ever spare a thought for me?”

  A thought? If he only knew all the nights she’d lain in bed aching for him.

  “Charles was sick for a long time,” she waffled. “When he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and given only months to live, I felt I owed it to the children to give them a family structure for as long as possible.”

  “Even one that was a lie?” His words burned into her.

  “I did what I needed to.” She raised her eyes to his. “Can’t you understand that?”

  “And afterwards?” he pushed.

  “Afterwards there were still the twins to raise. And then Courtney.”

  “Of course.” He said it so tonelessly she couldn’t stand it.

  “I never forgot about you for one single minute,” she blurted, then wished the words back. She was opening a door that needed to stay closed.

  “Good. I was hoping that was the case.” His voice was sharp with pain. “I went to sleep with your face in my mind every night.”

  Dangerous subject. Julia fiddled with a cracker and a slice of cheese. “How are your boys?”

  “Changing the subject?” He took a healthy sip of his drink. “Okay. I’ll play. For now. They’re doing okay. Jared is twenty-five and Mark is thirty. Our relationships are still badly strained.” He shook his head. “Just like I told you so long ago, their mother did a good job of painting me the bad guy there.”

  Julia didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t fair for him to shoulder all the blame, in a situation where he was the victim.

  “Don’t look so upset,” he told her. “It’s okay. I mean that.”

  “Do you see them?”

  He fiddled with the silverware, occupying his hands as he chose his words with obvious care. “Now and then. They both live in Boston. Jared’s a software specialist, has a great job, and is a dedicated ladies’ man. Mark is a cop, married, with two children.”

  “So you’re a grandpa.” She grinned at him. “You don’t look old enough. Do you at least get to see the grandchildren?”

  “I fly into Boston about one weekend a month and do a fast family visit. I think that’s as much as any of us can handle.” He shook his head. “I kept a shaky marriage together for the sake of the kids, as they say in dime novels, and ended up somewhat estranged from them anyway. I guess I flunked parenthood big time.”

  An incredible sadness gripped Julia. For a brief moment, she was ready to tell him about Courtney, but she forced herself to hold back. She didn’t know if he even wanted another child. What if it made him felt trapped, buried beneath an unwanted obligation? What if he hated her for keeping the secret for so many years? If he decided he never wanted to see her again, then telling him would be a big mistake.

  “That must be some heavy thinking you’re doing,” Luke said, breaking her train of thought. “You’re making your forehead look permanently wrinkled.”

  “A fast forward of my life in review.” She nibbled her lower lip then blurted out, “Do you have a woman in your life? Wait.” How did she even have the right to ask him that? “Forget I said that. It’s none of my business.”

  “It’s all of your business. And the answer is no. Who could ever replace you?” He paused. “And what about you, Julia? Anyone in your life?”

  No one except you, she wanted to say but she just shook her head. “What have you been doing with yourself all this time?”

  He shrugged. “Oh, moving here and there. Trying some different things.”

  Did she dare tell him she’d tried so many times to find him?

  “But I know Bright Ideas has done very well.” He grinned. “I’ve kept up with you, as you can tell.”

  The thought he’d followed her career warmed her. “Yes. It has.”

  They just sat and looked at each other a long moment. Then Luke reached across the table for her hand. “I don’t want to discuss pleasantries, Julia. Am I interested in your life? Absolutely. But you know what I want right now?”

  “What?” She whispered the word.

  “To spend the night with you. That’s what I want. Right now. Tonight.”

  Common sense told her to pull her hand back, pull herself back, tell him this was impossible and she needed to go home. How could she do this without telling him all her secrets first? What if he was angry? Outraged? Didn’t understand her reasons for everything? Thought she should have tried harder to find him? But his touch still set her nerve endings dancing, bringing back erotic memories and fanning the banked f
lames of desire. Fourteen years and the intensity of her need for him ignited in only seconds.

  “Say something, Julia.” He grinned ruefully. “Even if it’s just to tell me to go away.”

  “There are things… My life…” She wet her lips with her tongue. “Things you don’t know.”

  “Whatever it is can wait. It’s taken so long for us to get here again. Tell me you don’t want me right now,” he prodded. “Say it, we’ll finish our drinks, and I’ll drive you home.”

  “I can’t do that,” she whispered, as every bit of rational thought fled from her brain. “I have to be honest. I want your arms around me right now. I want you to hold me and never let me go.”

  “Julia...”

  She wet her lips. “There are too many complications.”

  Luke stared at her for a long time. “Everyone’s life is complicated. Right now, what’s important is tonight. The rest we’ll deal with later.”

  “Later.” She repeated the word, hoping there would be a later.

  He rose from his chair and she thought he was going to reach for her. Instead, he walked to the door and pressed a tiny button in the framing. Then he came to her and pulled her from her chair. Kissing her lightly, he reached for her coat.

  “Let’s get the check and get out of here. What I’m hungry for is something other than food.”

  Chapter 16

  A light rain fell as Luke maneuvered carefully through the streets. Julia paid little attention to where they were going, wrapped heavily in her own thoughts. If this was a mistake, then so be it. She’d been a good and committed wife during the balance of Charles’s illness, a condition that made him even more difficult to deal with. But she’d gritted her teeth and handled it with as much grace as she could muster. Andy and Beth had turned into amazing young adults. She continued to try her best with Courtney, although at the moment she felt like a terrible failure in that department.

  But tonight was going to be for her. Whatever happened next would happen.

  She roused herself from her reverie when they turned into the garage of a new all-suites hotel.

  “My temporary home,” he explained, helping her from the car and leading her to the elevator. “I haven’t taken the time yet to look for something more permanent. Most of my time’s been occupied with learning about the company and getting ready for this name change and a new product line.”

  They said little as the car ascended smoothly.

  Her heart thudded with mixed anxiety and anticipation. Fourteen years had passed since she last felt Luke’s hands on her body, his mouth on hers, his hard erection entering her and joining their bodies. The images took possession of her brain and buried any reasonable objections she could think of.

  Luke put his arm around her and leaned his cheek against her hair, sensing her anxiety and offering her reassurance. Then the doors slid open and they walked silently down the thickly carpeted hall to a door Luke unlocked.

  “A little ostentatious.” He ushered her into a large suite furnished in what Julia could only call stark opulence.

  “How nice.” She spoke softly as she walked into the living room. “Certainly not your average hotel suite.” A wall of windows opened to a spectacular view of downtown San Antonio. Couches in butter-soft leather were grouped for conversation, and against one wall, a fireplace was surrounded by an entertainment center.

  “But no television.” That surprised her since Luke was a huge sports fan. Where did he watch his games?

  “In the bedroom and the guest room. Also in the den. I often work at home on the weekends.”

  “There’s a den, too? And another bedroom?” She was amazed. The so-called suite was beyond any accommodation of this type she’d ever seen.

  “The place was built for corporations requiring a residential facility available twenty-four seven.” He waved his hand at the space. “A little much for me, but Connell Wilson has a permanent lease on it and at least it’s comfortable.

  “It’s certainly luxurious.” She was making idle conversation, hugging her coat to her chest, stalling to give her nerves time to settle.

  “But not homelike,” he told her in a quiet voice. “Right now I’m not too interested in discussing accommodations, though.”

  Standing behind her, he reached around and undid the buttons on her coat, slipping it off her shoulders. Almost casually, he turned her to face him. “God, Julia, I have missed you so much.”

  “I… I’ve missed you, too, Luke.” God, had she.

  He cupped her face with his hands, his eyes searching hers. “I have so much I want to say to you, so many questions to ask.” He rubbed his thumb gently over her lower lip.

  There went the butterfly wings in her stomach again. She knew where this was going and she was far from ready for that discussion. Maybe she’d never be ready.

  “Can’t we just enjoy tonight? Can’t this be enough?” She didn’t know if she was strong enough to take him into her life, to deal with the complexities of this relationship and the inevitable fallout, especially with Courtney hovering over everything like the Sword of Damocles.

  “No, Julia. Not anymore.” His face was inches from hers. “I let you walk out of my life once. I can’t do it again. I want a lot more than this one night.”

  “You do?” She could hardly breathe.

  “Yes. I want it all. But if one night is as much as you can give me right now, I’ll start there.” The tips of his fingers brushed her cheek.

  Her skin tingled beneath the feathery caress and her heart now pounded so thunderously she thought it would burst from her chest. She trembled, as much from trepidation as from desire.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong here, Julia,” he persisted, his lips almost touching hers. “I only know that right now I have to have you, have to make up for the lost years.”

  His nearness was overpowering her, drowning her, making her forget about everything else. The rush of need and desire that consumed her melted her body.

  “All right,” she whispered. She’d worry about tomorrow later.

  His mouth came down on hers, fierce and hard, claiming it. Claiming her. When she opened her lips for him he tangled his tongue with hers. And just like that the yesterdays began to fade away. She was transported back to the cabin in the snow, bathed in the heat of the fireplace. For a minute, she even thought she smelled the heady scent of pine.

  “I love you.” He spoke the words into her open mouth. “I never stopped.”

  She hesitated for just the briefest second, and then the words escaped from her mouth with a life of their own. “I love you, too, Luke.” And she did. Body and soul. Why try to deny it?

  He took a step back from her, his hands still holding her face. “I have a great bedroom,” he said. “You ought to see it, you know.”

  “Of course.” How could she say no when he looked at her like that?

  He took her hand and led her to a door at one end of the living room. It opened into the largest bedroom Julia had ever seen. To one side was another wall of windows facing downtown, the lights of the city twinkling like a myriad of candles against the black night sky. Across from the bed, which looked large enough for a family of four, was a brick fireplace. Luke picked up a small remote control from the nightstand, pressed a button on it, and the fireplace leaped into flame.

  “You have no idea how much you still turn me on.” He began unfastening and removing her clothes, letting them drop one piece at a time, his gaze hungry on her as more and more of her was revealed.

  “Luke?” She stilled his hand, suddenly both shy and nervous.

  “Hmm?”

  “I’m… I’m not a kid anymore.” And her body showed every one of the past fourteen years, at least to her.

  “Thank God. Neither am I.” He chuckled. “Wait. Haven’t we had this conversation before?”

  She remembered their first time in the hotel, her nervousness then. “I’m…” She wasn�
��t sure quite how to say it. “I don’t look like I did last time we were together.”

  “Nor do I. But to me, you’re more beautiful than ever.” He stopped her when she tried to turn away from him. “No. Please let me look at you. Your image has been in my mind all these years.”

  He held her by the arms, his gaze roaming over her body, taking in every inch of the ripe, mature curves, the fullness of her breasts, the slight swell of her tummy. In his eyes, she could see he was awed by what he saw and it humbled her.

  “You are more than I ever thought to ask for.” His voice was not quite steady.

  He ran the tip of a finger over the upper swell of her breasts, tracing the frothy lace of her bra. Thumbs brushed her nipples, igniting the fire smoldering in her veins.

  Julia wet her lips nervously, suddenly self-conscious under his probing stare. She knew the changes in her body that marked the years. And she was not just older, she was long out of practice. For years, sex hadn’t even been a factor in her life.

  “I’m almost middle-aged, Luke.” A blush of embarrassment crept up her cheeks. She tried hard to sound matter of fact. “Not the younger woman you took to bed so long ago. And I haven’t… I mean, I didn’t…”

  God, she was making a mess out of this.

  “Stop.” Luke kissed her eyelids, her cheeks, the corners of her mouth. “You are exactly the woman I want.” He chuckled. “And I understand sex is like riding a bicycle. You never forget.”

  In an instant, he was out of his own clothes. She looked at his body, aware that the years had been good to him. Grey spattered the crisp hair dusting his chest, but it was just as rich and tantalizing. He was thicker with age, but not heavier, and the thickness was more appealing than the younger, thinner Luke. And his erection. Oh, yes. There was definitely nothing wrong with that.

  It rose, full and proud, from the nest of curls at his groin. It was still thick and swollen, still with the darkened head, the cock of a much younger man. Immediately her pussy responded, the scent of her musk so strong she could smell it herself.