Finding Julia

by Desiree Holt

  And everything else was forgotten.

  Chapter 18

  “I noticed how neatly you avoided my question last night.”

  They were in the kitchen. Julia sat at the raised counter, drinking coffee, and thinking about how pleasantly sore she was in so many places. Luke buttered toast for them.

  “What question was that?” she asked carefully.

  “Don’t play games, Julia.” He looked up, his eyes dark. “The one about where we go from here.”

  He wouldn’t be put off. She knew that. And in her heart she didn’t want him to be. Not after last night. She’d dipped her toe into the shallow end of the pool again and immediately found herself over her head. A good reason why she should have gone home.

  There were just so many problems to work out, problems she couldn’t share with him. How would Andy and Beth react to a new man in her life? What about Courtney, who seemed thrown for a loop by everything these days? And who bore the stamp of Luke with her eyes and her full mouth, both a dead giveaway. One look at her and it would be over.

  And then of course there was Mr. Nasty, Rod McGuire. She’d about come to the conclusion, with Claire’s prompting, that she could face him down. But at what cost to Luke? He was here, in Rod’s town, in a new position. Could Rod really screw that up for him? She knew what Claire would say—It’s Luke’s choice. You have to let him make it. And what if Rod decided to confront Andy and Beth before she had a chance to tell them in her own words? But now, sitting here with Luke, she recalled the last time she’d seen Rod.

  “I’m still watching you, Julia.” They’d happened to find themselves at the same art show one time and he made it a point to tell her.

  “Charles is long gone and the twins are adults,” she’d told him, jutting out her chin. “They’re earning their own money and so am I. You can shut off the financial spigot any time you want.”

  “Cocky, aren’t you.” His eyes glittered with dislike. “I promised Charles you’d never have peace after what you put him through.” His voice was harsh, like metal grating on metal. “I intend to keep my word.”

  “To what end?” She’d been proud of herself, not giving any indication of how much he rattled her.

  “To carry out the wishes of a dying man. A man you destroyed. You weren’t worth half of him.”

  “You can do what you want.” She was disgusted with the whole thing and tired of his games. “My ‘situation,’ as you call it, isn’t so unusual or scandalous anymore, Rod. Do whatever you want. We’ll survive.”

  He’d eyed her from head to toe. “You took your moment of happiness, Julia, for what it was worth. That’s as much as you’ll ever get.”

  But when he’d walked away from her, instead of the usual sick feeling a confrontation left her with, she’d felt strangely freed. Instead of wilting, she’d faced him down. That was the first real moment she’d had hope for herself. And for Luke, if fate every brought them together again. But again, that meant telling him everything, in a way that he’d understand. Trying to explain how difficult her position had been, that she’d been threatened on so many fronts and at the time didn’t have the strength to stand up for herself. At least she could tell him she’d tried to find him, if that would help.

  “I didn’t think that was such a hard question,” Luke said testily when she was silent for so long. He handed her a plate of toast. “Did I mistake last night for something else?”

  “No.” She was emphatic. Despite the devil waiting to destroy her, there was no question about what last night was. “You didn’t make a mistake at all.” She picked up a piece of toast, nibbling at it for something to do. “I just have to figure out how to do this.”

  “Are you worried about your kids?” he asked, his shrewd eyes on her. “I’d think they’d be glad for you to have a little happiness after so long.”

  “For one thing, I’ve never brought another man into the house, or even dated one,” she told him. “This would be a whole new experience for them. Exactly how do I explain you to them? Hi kids, here’s the man I slept with fourteen years ago and gave my heart to?”

  “Did you?” he asked, his voice low. “Give your heart to me?”

  “Yes,” she whispered, and in an instant, his arms were around her and he was kissing her forehead.

  “Then we’ll work this out.” He sat down on the bar stool next to her. “This doesn’t have to be complicated, you know. I’m someone you did business with a long time ago. Now I find myself in the same city as you, I asked you to bid on our account and we went to dinner to renew our acquaintance. What’s wrong with that?”

  And when he got a look at Courtney for the first time, what then? She needed time to figure this out. To plan how she would tell him everything. She didn’t even want to think how enraged he would be when she told him about Rod. And as Claire had pointed out so many times, rightfully so. What a stupid idiot she’d been.

  “Julia.” He took one of her hands in his. “Beth and Andy are out on their own. They’re young adults. I can’t see them as a problem.”

  “Maybe. But Courtney is another matter altogether.” Especially once he got a good look at her.

  “Let’s try this.” He brushed his knuckles against her cheek. “Go home. Change clothes. Go to work. I’ll call you at your office on Monday and ask you out to dinner for next Friday night. That puts enough space between last night and our next…date. How’s that?”

  “You make it sound so easy.” She gave him a tremulous smile. If only.

  “It will be easy. This is our dance but you have to let me lead. Okay?”

  “Please give me a little space to think about this,” she begged.

  For a moment, his face tightened with suppressed emotion. Then he forced a smile. “All right.” He kissed her again, this time molding his mouth to hers, his tongue hot and searching. When he sat back he said, “You’ve got the weekend to mull it over. But I’m giving you fair warning. I’m not letting you get away this time.” He brushed his knuckles lightly over her cheek. “It’s still there, Julia. We’re both single adults. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I’m going to find a way to make it happen.”

  Her heart skipped and stuttered. “Oh, Luke. If only that could happen.”

  He hugged her, hard. “It could, if you’d just say yes.”

  She shook her head. It wasn’t that simple. “There are…complications.” Suddenly she needed to get away. Catch her breath. Think without his mesmerizing presence surrounding her. “I have to go, Luke. I’ll catch a cab.” She picked up her purse and suit jacket.

  “Julia, wait. What’s wrong?” He reached for her but she eluded him, nearly racing for the door.

  “Please. Just…I need to leave.”

  With that, she shot out the door and raced down the hall to the elevator. He followed her into the hall, hurrying after her. Grabbing her arm, he managed to pull her to a stop.

  “Julia, we’re still having dinner next Friday night. If you don’t call me with a time and place, I’m showing up on your doorstep, so you’d better be ready.”

  “Luke, listen…”

  He gripped both arms, his eyes boring into hers like twin lasers. “Whatever the problem is, we’ll fix it. But there’s no way I’m letting you walk out of my life a second time. Count on it.”

  Oh, if only that could be true.

  “Friday night,” he repeated, his words underscored with determination.

  The last thing she saw as the elevator doors closed with Luke in the hallway, the expression on his face a combination of love and resolution.

  Please let it be all right. Please.

  * * * *

  Miranda started to ask her a question when she walked into the house. One look at Julia’s face and she just said, “We’re having chicken for dinner,” and walked back into the kitchen.

  In the shower, every moment of the previous night replayed itself in Julia’s mind. Her body
stirred just remembering the touch of Luke’s hands, the passion of his kisses, the incredible sense of him inside her, filling her. Over the past fourteen years, the magic had only increased. She could no more have walked away at the Connell Wilson offices than she could have jumped out a window. The tug, the lure, were still as strong.

  At least she’d avoided a showdown with Rod for the moment. Harry’s House had been an excellent choice of restaurants with its private, secluded rooms. But if she continued to see Luke she knew it would happen sooner rather than later. One thing at a time, she told herself. She turned off the shower and tried to make her brain work as she dried herself off. She knew what she needed to do for things to go forward with Luke and for that she had to have a plan.

  As sure as she knew her name, she was certain he would not be put off. His intentions were crystal clear. He was not a man deterred by flimsy excuses. And once he got a good look at Courtney, he’d have even more questions and would be even more determined. Their daughter had Luke’s dark brown eyes and his distinctive eyebrows. She wondered what other physical traits of the Buchanan family her daughter also carried. She could just imagine the shock when he saw the daughter he didn’t even know he had.

  She popped two acetaminophen to dull the headache bullying its way up from behind her eyes. Then she dressed quickly, brushed her hair, and made do with blush and lip gloss for makeup. No clients today so she didn’t need a full-court press. She just needed to get herself together before facing Claire.

  Claire!

  Now there was one person she could barely keep anything from. The woman would take one look at her and pry everything out of her. She swallowed a strangled laugh as she imagined Claire marching into Charles’s hospital room and, heart attack or not, giving him a scathing piece of her mind. Well, she could use some of that brashness now to help her stiffen her spine.

  “See you later,” she called to Miranda as she hurried out to her car.

  * * * *

  “Well?” Claire was on the phone but hung up as soon as Julia walked into the office.

  “Well, what?” Julia deliberately kept her face blank.

  “Come on, give.” Claire grinned. “Was it wonderful?”

  Julia dropped into the chair in front of Claire’s desk, ran her fingers through her hair, and leaned her head back. “Yes. It was beyond wonderful.”

  Claire leaned forward. “Then what’s the problem? Why do you look so stressed? I thought you’d tell me you’d died and gone to heaven.”

  “Almost.” She closed her eyes, willing herself under control.

  “What’s that supposed to mean? My God, Charles is long out of the picture, you’ve lived like a nun since his death, and Andy and Beth are out on their own. There might even be hope for Courtney. Why isn’t it time for Julia?”

  “I don’t want to discuss it right now, okay?” Julia sat up, rotating her neck to relieve the tension.

  “No, not okay. If I weren’t married and that man walked back into my life, I’d chain him to the bed. God, Julia. What is wrong with you?”

  More than I can tell you, she wanted to say. She’d have to lay everything out for Luke before they could move forward and all that was still tumbling around in her brain.

  “There are just…complications.” The same excuse she’d used with Luke

  “Honey, I know the whole story, remember? There’s nothing that can’t be uncomplicated.”

  “Claire,” she began.

  “Julia.” Claire’s voice softened. “Please tell me you aren’t giving Charles the power to reach out from the grave and ruin your life.”

  Julia shook her head. “It’s not that, I promise you. I’m just so afraid of what will happen if—when—Luke finds out about Courtney. Will he hate me for not tracking him down?”

  “You tried,” Claire pointed out.

  “I could have tried harder,” she protested.

  “Give Luke some credit, okay? He still loves you. A lot. Will this be a challenge? Of course. But I have faith the two of you can weather it.”

  “How was Courtney?” Julia segued into a new topic.

  “Okay, change the subject.” Claire sighed. “But just for now. Courtney was fine. She behaved politely, showed me what Beth told her about makeup, and actually looked decent when I dropped her off at school today.”

  “Thank you so much. It was wonderful of you to do that.”

  “If I’m so wonderful, then pay attention to what I’m telling you.”

  “I will. Soon,” she hedged and stood up. “I want to check my messages and then we can debrief yesterday’s presentation, okay?”

  Claire simply sat there, studying her for a long time before she spoke. “Fine. But I’m not through taking to you about this. You’ve got something very good here. I won’t let you lose it again because you’re afraid. It’s time to put those fears aside and grab on to the life you’ve missed out on all these years.”

  * * * *

  Luke closed the door to his office, telling Ellen, his secretary, he didn’t want to be disturbed for a while. He had a meeting in an hour and he needed to straighten out his head before he got to it.

  What the hell had been wrong with Julia this morning? Last night he’d thought what they felt for each other had slammed back at them stronger than ever. Missing her and wanting her for so long, and finally he could touch her again and hold her in his arms. When his lips touched hers, the electricity between them could have lit up the room. Maybe even had.

  He could almost taste that kiss now, thinking about it. So many years, so much misery since he’d left her at the airport that snowy day. He’d called and called to talk to her, but she never took his calls and never returned them. Claire was always his lifeline, keeping him informed. But even she couldn’t tell him why Julia wouldn’t at least speak to him or what was happening that was so wrong.

  He’d known there was something, just by her tone of voice. But it was hard to fight what he didn’t know. For one impulsive moment, he’d been tempted to get on a plane, fly to San Antonio, and confront Julia; but he was afraid he’d only worsen whatever the hell was going on.

  He’d have certainly understood if Charles’s heart attack had created problems for her. He was, after all, still the father of her children. Jealousy stabbed at him. He wanted to be the father of her children, but the opportunity for that was long past. Now he’d settle for just being her husband. That is, if he could ever get her to realize what they had went far beyond the little time they’d spent together. If he could just get her to talk to him. One minute this morning she’d been fine, then an invisible door had suddenly closed.

  Yesterday he’d sensed an ally in Claire. He’d have to explore that possibility. He’d have to do something because Julia was well and truly spooked. Feeling despair settle over him, he turned and opened the folder for his meeting.

  * * * *

  Julia managed to avoid the confrontation with Claire for the moment by pleading a headache at the end of the day. And that was no cheap lie. But she knew her friend wouldn’t be put off much longer.

  She’d come home from the office, made a pretense of eating with Courtney, then gone to her room, put on her favorite robe, and lay down on the bed. She needed to think but her head still hurt from the day’s tension.

  “Mom?” There was a soft tap on the bedroom door.

  “Yes?” Julia roused herself.

  “Hi.” The door swung open and Beth hurried over to hug her. “Are you okay? I called earlier and Miranda said you didn’t seem yourself. I thought I’d stop by and check it out for myself.” She looked at her mother carefully, searching for telltale signs of whatever was wrong.

  “I’m fine, sweetie. Truly. But I’m glad you came over. You know I always love seeing you.”

  “You don’t look so fine.” Beth eyed her mother critically. “Are you coming down with something? You don’t take half enough care of yourself.”

  She
took one of Beth’s hands in both of hers. “I’m fine. Truly.”

  Beth narrowed her eyes. “Is it Courtney?” She smiled, flashing a dimple. “Do I need to take her over my knee again?”

  “Courtney is still…Courtney. But at least thanks to you she’s dressing better and doesn’t look like she’s wearing an entire makeup counter when she goes out.” She shook her head. “Where do thirteen-year-old girls get their ideas, anyway? You were never like that.”

  Beth laughed. “I was the perfect child, remember?” She hugged Julia. “I’m calling you Monday. If I don’t like the way you sound, I’m taking you out to dinner for some Mom therapy.”

  Monday was apparently the day everyone was going to call her.

  “Mom?” Beth’s voice held an edge of concern. “What’s wrong? You just turned white as a sheet. Okay. That does it. Monday for sure I’m calling the doctor and making an appointment for you.”

  “No, don’t. Please.” Julia let out a long, slow breath. “I’m fine. Just tired. You’re right. I need to eat better and get more sleep.” She forced a smile. “And I promise to do that.”

  “You know, Mom, it wouldn’t kill you to go out on a date now and then.”

  “Date?” She wanted to laugh hysterically. “Honey, I’m doing just fine. I have the business and Claire and you guys.”

  Beth frowned. “But—”

  Julia reached out her fingers and pressed them to Beth’s lips. “It’s okay, baby. I’m fine. I’ll do a better job of eating and sleeping. I promise.”

  If only, she thought, everything else was that simple.

  “Anyway, it’s Friday night.” She made herself dredge up a smile. “What are you doing at your mother’s on a Friday night? I can’t believe that’s what your social life is reduced to.”

  Beth laughed. “Actually, I’m meeting some friends at La Marguerita but not until much later. They went to a movie first but I’d already seen it.” She hugged her mother. “I’m going now, but I’m keeping my eye on you.”

  Julia could only hope her daughter wouldn’t be looking too closely.