Finding Julia

by Desiree Holt

  “You may be asking for more than you know,” she warned.

  He opened the restaurant door for her. “I can handle it.”

  “We’ll see.”

  He held her hand until they were seated in a booth against the window wall, releasing it only with obvious reluctance. “I’m afraid if I let you go, you might disappear.”

  Julia picked up the coffee the waitress brought to give herself something to do with her hands. “When we have our ‘talk,’ you might wish you had.”

  “Does this mean you’re finally going to lay everything out on the table? Tell me what’s so terrible it’s kept us apart?”

  She placed the cup slowly back in the saucer, careful not to slosh any of the hot liquid, and tried to decide where to begin. But then two people walked into the restaurant and she froze. Beth and Courtney were laughing at something, giggling as if they were both thirteen. Julia felt the blood drain from her face. Of all the places Beth could have taken her sister, why did it have to be here? The very thing she’d fought so hard to prevent, the knowledge she’d sacrificed her life to keep hidden, was going to come out and in a way she couldn’t control.

  “Julia?” She heard the concern in Luke’s voice. “What’s wrong? You look like you’re about to pass out.”

  “Oh, God.” She bent her head low over her coffee cup, hoping her daughters would take a booth at the far side of the restaurant.

  “What?” He reached across the table and closed his fingers around her wrist. “What’s going on here?”

  “I-I…”

  But she never got the chance to get any more words out.

  “Mom?” Beth was suddenly beside them, astonishment plain on her face. “Mom, what are you doing here?”

  “Why are you here with a man?” Courtney’s tone was harsh and defensive. “On a Saturday? Who is he?”

  Julia finally found her voice. “Beth, Courtney. I’d like you to meet…a friend of mine. Luke Buchanan.”

  She twisted her hands together in her lap to keep them from trembling and looked across the table at Luke. He stared at Courtney with an expression of half shock and half anger, his face taut, a muscle twitching in his jaw.

  “Um, Luke? These are my daughters, Beth and Courtney.” Oh God, everything was going to hell in a handbasket.

  The girls and Luke just continued staring at each other, no one saying a word.

  “Hello.” Beth’s voice held the strangest sound.

  Courtney said nothing.

  “Mr. Buchanan is with Connell Wilson.” Julia tried to make her voice as bright as possible. “A new client. We were just discussing the new campaign Bright Ideas is rolling out for them.”

  Luke couldn’t seem to drag his eyes away from Courtney. “Hello, girls. Nice to meet you.”

  An uncomfortable silence draped itself over them.

  “Well, we’re just going to have some breakfast,” Beth interjected as the silence dragged on. “I’ve been raving about the peach pancakes.”

  Courtney turned away. “Let’s eat. I’m hungry.”

  “Mom?” Beth turned back to her. “Are you going home from here? I’ll see you there.”

  “Yes. Fine, honey. Enjoy your meal.”

  Luke’s gaze followed them as they walked away and slid into a corner booth. When he turned to Julia, the look in his eyes made her want to crawl under the table.

  “Exactly how old is Courtney?”

  Julia wet her lips with her tongue and wished she could transport herself to another planet.

  “Julia?” Luke’s voice was insistent. “Did you hear me? How old is your daughter?”

  “Th-Thirteen.”

  “Interesting. Were you ever planning to tell me, or were you just going to shut me out of her life forever?”

  “How did—”

  “There’s no way you could know this, but she looks exactly like my mother did at that age.” The rage in his voice was barely controlled, but underneath it was a lot of pain.

  Nausea rose up in her throat. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, unable to look at him anymore.

  “Sorry doesn’t begin to cut it.” He shoved away his coffee cup. “Look, I don’t intend to make a scene in public so we’re going to get up and walk out of here quietly. Wave to your daughters. Then we’re going back to my place, where you’re going to give me some answers.”

  But all her good intentions, her carefully crafted courage fled in the face of his all-consuming anger. “I can’t.” She could barely speak. “Not now. Not now.”

  She grabbed her purse and pushed herself out of the booth. Luke dropped some bills on the table and followed her but she managed to stay ahead of him. By the time he ran out of the restaurant, she was already pulling out of the parking lot, praying he didn’t follow her back to the house.

  * * * *

  “Who is he?” Courtney demanded.

  She and Beth walked in the door loaded for bear, each in her own way, Courtney ferocious and angry, Beth confused and uncertain.

  “He’s a…client,” Julia said, waiting for the tea to brew. Soothing tea, her answer to everything.

  “Baloney. You’re lying to me. Something else is going on. You were so nervous I thought you were going to throw up.” Courtney’s smile was anything but pleasant. “You sounded like me when I’m trying to get away with something.

  “Courtney’s right.” Beth frowned. “We’ve never seen you with a man all these years. Besides, I don’t ever remember you having breakfast on a Saturday with a client. Not once. And he didn’t look at you like he was a client. So what gives? And why is he such a big secret?”

  Julia stirred sweetener into her tea with an unsteady motion, carried it to the kitchen table, and placed it carefully in front of her as she sat down. How to do this? Where to start? Well, Claire had warned her and she’d waited too long to listen.

  “Courtney, I’d like to talk to Beth alone for a few minutes, if you don’t mind?”

  What Julia called her daughter’s black look descended on her face. “What’s so weird you can’t tell me? Some dark, terrible secret only Beth is old enough to know?” She folded her arms defiantly across her chest and refused to move.

  Beth looked at her mother, then back at Courtney. “Go on upstairs, kiddo. I promise whatever it is, either I’ll tell you or Mom will. Go on.”

  “No.” Courtney glowered. The only word for it. “I’m not moving. I have as much right as you to get some answers.”

  Beth wrapped an arm around her sister’s stiff body. “You absolutely do. But can you just give Mom and me a few minutes? You have my word I’ll make sure you know everything.”

  “So why can’t I know it now?” Courtney whined. “I’m not a baby anymore.”

  “No, you’re not. And because you are turning into a mature young lady, a sister I’m proud of, you’re going to do this one thing for me. Right?”

  Finally, Courtney uncrossed her arms. “Fine. Fine, fine, fine.” She stomped out of the room.

  Julia flinched.

  Beth sat down in the chair next to her. “Okay, truth or consequences, Mom. I’m over twenty-one, on my own, and whether you want to hear it or not, I’ve had sex already.”

  Julia looked at her with a pained expression. “I can’t say I’m surprised but you didn’t actually have to tell me.”

  Beth put her hand on her mother’s arm. “I’m telling you only because it gave me the experience to know immediately the atmosphere between you and Luke Buchanan was definitely not of a business nature. I don’t want any details, and to tell you the truth, I’m glad to find out my mother might be finally coming out of the deep freeze.” She smiled. “You’ve kept yourself in a very unhealthy place since Dad passed away. It’s time to move forward.”

  “Would that be so bad if I did?” Julia asked anxiously. “Does it bother you?”

  “No.” Beth shook her head. “What bothers me first is you think you have to hide it
for some unknown reason.”

  Julia started to answer her but Beth held up a hand.

  “Not finished here. I’m going to stick my neck out and guess the reason you’re scrunched up in a ball is the fact my sister bears a striking resemblance to the man you were with. Am I right?”

  Julia felt a pressure on her chest so great she thought her heart would stop beating. She lifted her cup with shaking hands, nearly spilling the tea, and took a sip, trying to give herself time to organize her thoughts. She opened her mouth to answer Beth but nothing would come out. Everything she wanted to say stuck in her throat, and even her favorite tea couldn’t loosen the log jam.

  “Mom? Please answer me. You’re scaring me.”

  Julia looked at her daughter, concern in her eyes and a hint of panic. Her inner voice was shouting to her to get on with it. That it was way past time. She took another sip of the tea and dredged up some measure of calm.

  “I have a story to tell you, Bethie. It’s complex and there are parts of it you aren’t going to like at all. I just want you to remember no matter what I say and no matter what happened, your father loved you very much. And I have always loved you. Each of you. My children have always come first with me.”

  “I know, Mom. You’re a great mother.” Beth leaned forward. “And nothing’s ever going to change how much we love you, okay? So whatever it is, just…say it. Unless you murdered someone, I don’t think there’s anything we can’t get through.” Her lips curved in a weak smile. “And depending on who it is, maybe we could even handle murder.”

  “Hold on to that thought, will you? Let me fix myself another cup of tea first, and then I’ll tell you everything. And you have to promise not to say anything until I’m finished. After that I’ll answer whatever questions you ask.”

  It took her two more cups of tea and a glass of wine to get the entire story out, the pain as she dredged it up consuming her. She spared herself nothing, doing her best to paint herself as the villain in the breakup of her marriage, to leave her children a good memory of their father.

  Beth sat quietly, getting up only once to fix a cup of coffee from the new Keurig machine, and then to pour some wine for herself. When Julia was finished, an eerie quiet spread through the kitchen, almost as if someone had died.

  “I know I can’t expect you to understand,” Julia began, but Beth interrupted her.

  “Now there’s where you’re wrong.” She got up from her chair and went to stand at the sink, looking out the window to the view in the huge back yard. “Andy and I were just little kids when Daddy passed away, but even little kids know when their father can’t connect with them, when he thinks they’re a nuisance. When he…doesn’t know how to love. We’ve talked about it a lot over the years and wanted to ask you if there was something we’d done wrong, but you seemed intent on putting him on a pedestal and we were afraid to say anything.”

  “Oh, sweetheart, no.” Julia went to stand by her daughter. “You and your brother were—and are—terrific kids. The best. I just wanted you to have memories to cherish.”

  Beth made a sound half snort and half cry. “You have no idea what our memories of him are. We always hoped after he died you’d meet someone who could really love all of us.”

  “Beth…”

  “I’m not through. We have friends whose parents got divorced, or in a couple of cases one parent died. They always seemed to move on, have full, rich lives. Meet other people. Find good relationships. We never knew why you chose not to do this.” She turned to face Julia. “If you and Daddy were practically divorced when you met Mr. Buchanan, why did you walk away from him? And if you felt you owed it to Daddy to nurse him those last few months, why didn’t you call him after…after the funeral?”

  Pain lanced through Julia. Why, indeed.

  “There were…reasons,” was the only thing she could find to say.

  Beth shook her head. “Not good enough. If there were reasons, tell me about them. Tell us. Didn’t you think Courtney deserved to know who her real father was? Maybe to have him as an influence in her life when she was growing up?”

  “Yes, didn’t you?”

  The words were almost a shout. Julia and Beth turned to see Courtney standing at the entrance to the kitchen, the expression on her face an emotional cocktail of so much pain, Julia rushed to her to put her arms around her.

  “You heard?”

  “Of course I heard. I sat on the stairs listening. How else am I supposed to find out anything?” She pushed her mother away. “Don’t. Don’t touch me. How could you? How could you never tell me there was a father somewhere who might have loved me? Wanted to be with me? Just…wanted me?”

  “Courtney. Honey.” Julia tried to reach for her again but the girl stepped away.

  “Stay away from me. My whole life has been a lie. I thought my grandparents—no, Charles’s parents—hated me because of something I’d done. But it wasn’t me. It was you. They hated you, and punished me because of it.”

  Beth rushed to her sister, grabbed one of her hands. “Trust me, Court. You would never have wanted to suffer through those damned visits the way Andy and I did. It was worse than the tortures of the damned.” She brushed a stray hair form her face. “Thank God we finally reached a point where we all agreed it could stop.”

  “But I had no one,” Courtney cried. “No one at all.”

  “Ssh, ssh.” Beth tried to hug her. “There’s always been Andy and me. And Mom. Look at her, kiddo. See how much she’s hurting? She loves you more than you can imagine.”

  “No.” Courtney wrenched herself away. “She only loves herself. And her secrets. So many secrets.” She ran from the room. In a moment, they heard the slam of her bedroom door.

  Julia looked at Beth. “Well, that went well. Not.” She felt as if she were crumbling into a million pieces.

  “Are you going to tell me the last of the deep dark secrets? The reason for all of this?”

  “If you promise not to hate me.” God, she sounded sop pitiful.

  Beth hugged her. “We could never hate you, don’t you know that?” She took her mother’s hand. “Now give.”

  It took every ounce of courage Julia could dredge up to spit out the shameful story. If Beth had ever had any love for her father, Julia was sure this would kill it completely as the litany of events unfolded. Julia stared down at her lap while she spelled out the terms Charles had imposed, afraid to look at her child, afraid of what she’d see in her face.

  “Is that all of it?” Beth asked when she finished.

  “Yes. Every bit. My only excuse is that I was trying to protect everyone. I was in a very vulnerable place and didn’t have the strength to fight. I’ve had a lot of years to regret it.”

  “Okay.”

  Julia finally looked up at her daughter and was stunned at the fury in her eyes. “Please don’t hate me. Bethie. I—”

  “Hate you? Oh, God.” She reached out to give her mother a hug. “How could I hate you? If I hate anyone it’s that bastard you married—I refuse to call him our father—and that smug son of a bitch Rod McGuire. How could they do that to you? To us? To Courtney?”

  “Those letters—”

  “Are nothing more than pieces of paper. Don’t you think we know how much you love us? Besides, you aren’t the first person caught in a situation like this and won’t be the last. I’m just sorry you had to waste so many years with Mr. Buchanan.” She made a rude noise. “I guarantee you he’d have been a lot nicer to us than our so-called father.”

  “I’m so sorry.” Julia fought back tears. “If it’s any consolation, I had already made up my mind to tell him. This morning at breakfast. And then to talk to all of you, but Courtney first. I want you to believe that.”

  “Mom. Oh, Mom.” Beth tugged her from her chair and pulled her into a hug. “Of course I do. I told you. We love you. And together we’ll figure a way to sort this all out.”

  “Luke probably hates
me now,” she whispered. “I deserve it.

  “I promise you he doesn’t. He might be upset. Even a little angry. But hate you? Not from the way he looked at you.”

  “But I’m going to make this right,” Julia promised, her voice stronger. “For everyone. Somehow. In fact—”

  The ringing of the phone interrupted her. And it continued to ring.

  “Are you going to answer it?” Beth asked when Julia didn’t move.

  The ringing stopped at last, only to start up again a moment later.

  “I’ll get it.” Julia reached for the phone.

  “No, let me.” Beth picked up the receiver. “Hello? Yes, she’s right here. Oh, and it was nice meeting you this morning. I hope we get to see you again.” She covered the mouthpiece with her hand. “He doesn’t sound like he’s going to shoot you.” She smiled and handed the phone to her mother.

  Julia swallowed twice before she was sure she could say a word. “Luke?”

  “I think we need to sit down and have a talk.” There was pain in his deep voice.

  Her heart pinched at the knowledge she’d caused it. “Luke, I…”

  Beth was standing next to her, mouthing “Go and see him.”

  “No more running away, Julia,” Luke said in her ear.

  Claire had told her that and apparently she was right.

  Julia swallowed again. “All right. But I need time to talk with Courtney before I do anything else.”

  Silence. Then, “Fine. I agree that’s important. Very important. I’ll pick you up at six for dinner. At your house,” he emphasized. “No more excuses.”

  “Yes. Six o’clock.” But her hand shook when she hung up the telephone.

  “He’s coming here?”

  Julia nodded. “But I have to talk to your sister right now. Can you stay here for a while?”

  “Of course. No problem.” She enfolded Julia in a warm hug. “Mom, I understand a lot more than you think. And so will Andy. Who, by the way, should also be included in this.”