Trying to Stay Saved

by E. N. Joy

  “Say it’s all been just a bad nightmare.” Unique slammed her cup down, gobs of chocolate spilling onto the table, some even spilling on Unique’s hands, scorching her. But she seemed so unfazed, like the blisters that would form would be far less painful than the things she had endured in life. “Pretend I’m just getting up from a bad nightmare.” Unique squeezed her eyes closed tightly.

  Lorain didn’t know if it was so that she could have complete darkness, providing a canvas to paint the picture she wanted to see. Or if it was to lock in the tears that wanted to burst out. If it had been the latter, she failed.

  “I wish I could, Unique,” Lorain said. “I wish with every ounce of my being this wasn’t our reality, but it is. I’m so sorry for the decisions I made, for the choices I made. But I can’t take them back. If I could, I would. But right now, all I can say is that I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry.”

  There was more silence.

  “I’m so mad at you.” Unique said the words through clenched teeth. “I’ve hated you ever since I could remember. My hate for you is what kept the hurt away, kept me from not caring anymore. And now I’m madder than ever because I want to keep hating you.”

  “I don’t blame you for being mad, for being hurt, angry, feeling hate, or whatever else you’ve thought about me all these years,” Lorain said.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Baby, you can ask me anything you want,” Lorain said sincerely. “I want you to know that. And I want you to know that I promise you that I will answer any and everything openly and honestly.”

  “Why? Why didn’t you want to keep me?”

  Lorain swallowed. She knew that question was coming eventually. She’d expected it the night she told Unique that she was her mother, but at the time, all Unique wanted was proof. The night Lorain shared the truth with Unique, she’d gone to her computer room to retrieve the folder that held all the proof. She’d removed the documents that related to Unique only and placed the folder in the top drawer of her desk. She gave the documents pertaining to Unique to the young woman in order for her to take them with her. She didn’t really need them anymore; she knew the story by heart. She was careful not to display to Unique any of the documents that had to do with Broady. One thing at a time. But after scanning the papers, reading about how she’d been left for dead in a trash can, that’s when Unique had gone totally ballistic. She never really gave Lorain a chance to say much of anything besides “I’m sorry.” So Lorain knew eventually the questions would come. As the two sat at the table sipping warm cocoa, they were joined by the questions.

  Openly and honestly, Lorain reminded herself of the promise she had just made to Unique. It was the very first promise she’d made to her daughter. She had to keep her promises, so she told Unique why; why, not that she didn’t want to keep her, but why she didn’t. Lorain proceeded to explain to Unique how an older man had taken advantage of her. How she was so young, so scared, and how she hid her pregnancy. She had to relive the horrific experience with each word she spoke, but Unique deserved to hear it. She deserved to know.

  By the time Lorain finished her story, both woman were in a tight embrace, crying a river. Each tear carrying away years of pain, losing it forever in a flowing stream of forgiveness. Of course there was still some pain and definitely still some bitterness on Unique’s part. But after talking for almost three hours, both women concluded that it would take some time to build a healthy relationship. Right now, they just wanted to work on their relationship before Unique told her boys and Lorain told her mother. Besides, presently, Eleanor was dealing with so much herself.

  Lorain walked Unique to the door. Before saying good-bye, she wanted to hug her again. Tight. She didn’t want to let her go for a really long time. But she knew that was too much too soon. Earlier, Unique embracing her had been because she was caught up in Lorain’s emotions as a friend, not as a mother. But Lorain would pray that one day soon she’d receive that loving hug that only a daughter can give her mother.

  “So I’ll see you in church tomorrow?” Unique asked.

  “Actually, I’m probably going to have to stay here with my mother. It all depends.”

  “Guess I didn’t have to waste my time coming over here then, trying to avoid that awkward moment in church tomorrow.”

  “No, but I’m glad you did,” Lorain smiled.

  “Well, I better get going. I told my sister I’d only be a minute, and here it is almost six o’clock in the morning. She probably done called the police and reported the car stolen. She funny acting like that sometimes.”

  “Well, then, I guess you better get going. One New Day member on television getting dragged off to jail is enough.” Lorain was referring to Paige.

  “Yeah, you know . . .” Unique began. She paused. Lorain sensed she was stalling for some reason. She was. “Before I leave, I just want to know one more thing; something we didn’t talk about . . . something you didn’t even mention.”

  “Sure,” Lorain said. “You can ask me anything.”

  “Where’s my father?” Unique just came out and asked.

  Wow. Lorain wasn’t expecting that. She’d been far too focused on just her and Unique. She hadn’t even thought to bring Broady up in the equation. But a few hours ago, she’d told Unique that she wanted an open and honest relationship with her as they attempted to form a mother-daughter bond. No secrets and no lies. So she fixed her lips to tell Unique the truth about her father. “He’s dead,” Lorain said sadly. “He’s dead.”

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Paige opened the door, and before she could even greet her best friend, Tamarra fell into her arms.

  “She’s in heaven,” Tamarra cried. “She’s in heaven. She didn’t kill herself, Paige. She’s in heaven.”

  Paige was confused, but could see that her friend was emotional, so she just held her until Tamarra could calm down long enough to tell Paige who and what she was talking about. “It’s okay, honey. It’s okay.”

  “I know it’s okay. She’s in heaven. Raygene is in heaven.” Tamarra was just one big pile of mush; happy mush-tears of joy and relief. After a few more moments, she was able to regain her composure.

  “Can I get you some water or something to eat or anything?” Paige offered.

  “No, I’m too much in awe to drink or eat anything right at this second,” Tamarra stated as she headed for her regular spot on Paige’s couch. “Hallelujah!” Tamarra shouted out of nowhere. Then came a “Praise God!” Followed by an “I love you, Lord.” Then finally a, “Thank you, Jesus!”

  Paige, dressed in a chocolate-brown pants suit, walked over and sat down next to her best friend. She waited a few seconds to see if Tamarra was going to have any more sudden outbursts unto the Lord. Once she saw that she wasn’t, curiosity caused her to speak. “You wanna tell me what’s going on now?” Paige asked. “I wanna shout with you.”

  Tamarra looked at Paige and burst out laughing. “Oh, I’m so sorry. You have no idea what I’m even talking about.” Tamarra cleared her throat. “You know how my brother’s daughter died?” Tamarra asked Paige. She then caught herself and made the correction. “I mean, you know how my daughter died.” A proud smile spread across her face like jelly being spread on toast.

  It had taken Tamarra years to claim her only child, Raygene, and Paige knew this. Tamarra had shared it with her after returning from Raygene’s funeral. And even though she was leaving New Day for good, she’d shared it with the pastor as well. And she didn’t even feel as though she was sharing a secret at that point. Some things aren’t secrets; some things are just skeletons . . . bones the devil likes to dangle over a person’s head like puppet strings, controlling their life on Earth. No longer was Satan Tamarra’s puppet master, and Paige couldn’t be more proud of her.

  The fact that Tamarra could finally claim Raygene as her daughter was a significant hurdle she’d jumped over. She’d been so ashamed of having given birth to the girl after she was raped repeatedly
by her own blood brother. She’d been even more ashamed that when the girl showed up on her doorstep a few months ago, begging for a relationship with her, that Tamarra had turned her away. Then to receive a report that the girl had died in an accident—an accident later deemed suicide—had been devastating. So to see Tamarra rejoicing while saying Raygene’s name at the same time, God had done something big. Real Big.

  “Raygene, yes I know. What about Raygene?” Paige inquired.

  “It wasn’t suicide, Paige. She didn’t kill herself. My baby didn’t crash her car and kill herself because of me.” That’s another burden Tamarra was able to let go of; the fact that a small part of her felt partially to blame for Raygene wanting to kill herself. Being rejected by her own mother couldn’t have been easy. Being the product of rape couldn’t have been easy.

  “It was faulty brakes or something like that,” Tamarra continued. “My mom and dad were contacted by the dealership where Raygene had purchased her car. They wanted Raygene to bring the car in, saying that it had been recalled because of the brakes. That’s why the police didn’t see any tire marks or anything to show that she’d made any attempts to stop the car. She couldn’t stop it. She couldn’t.” Tamarra keeled over in tears. She pictured Raygene in her little red car frantically pumping the brakes, trying to stop the car. Wanting to live; not wanting to die.

  “It’s okay now.” Paige comforted Tamarra. “It’s all okay. God has given you and your family clarity now. He has given you peace.” Wrapping her arms around Tamarra, Paige felt guilty. She was jealous. She wanted peace. But then again, maybe in about an hour she’d have that peace. She looked at the clock on her living-room wall. It was eleven o’clock in the morning. She only had one hour. She had to go.

  “You know what?” Tamarra said, wiping the last of her tears. “How about a drink or something to eat? Let’s go celebrate. What do you say we go to the Golden Corral?”

  “Actually, I’m not off work today,” Paige explained, standing up straight and straightening out her suit. “I’m working the late shift because I have to meet Blake at an appointment. I don’t think I had a chance to tell you that he ended up settling with his mother.”

  “Really? You mean he actually gave into that woman?” Tamarra, forgetting about her own situation for the time being, was now focusing on Paige’s.

  “Yeah. It was just becoming too much. Blake didn’t want to keep fighting with m—.” Paige caught herself. “. . . with Mother . . . his mother.”

  “Well, I guess it’s like the Bible says: honor thy mother. Fighting with your mother is not a good thing. You and I both know that.”

  “Yeah, well . . . All this will be over soon. As a matter fact, in about an hour.”

  “Then I guess we’ll have to celebrate another time,” Tamarra stated, “but I just had to come over here in person and share the news with my bestest friend in the whole wide world who I love and trust enough to tell everything to, and who loves and trusts me enough to tell me everything.”

  Paige gave a smile. A weak smile. She hadn’t been telling Tamarra everything. Sure, she’d told her the truth about the whole lawsuit thing, and the details of the arrest, but she’d also lied to her. She’d lied and told her that her arm had gotten hurt in jail; something about a guard twisting her arm too hard while she was being handcuffed. Tamarra had told her she should hire Blake’s attorney to file a brutality suit against the department, but Paige refused.

  There was more guilt. Paige remembered the big fuss she’d made when she felt Tamarra was hiding things from her. I thought we were friends . . . best friends. I thought we could share any and everything with each other, Paige had fussed at Tamarra. And now, here she stood being such a hypocrite.

  What a fraud Paige thought she was. But she justified it by the fact that soon there wouldn’t really be anything to tell. The weight of the world was about to be lifted off Blake’s shoulders. The two would attend another counseling session or two, and then they’d live happily ever after. And all of this couldn’t come soon enough for Paige. So after saying her good-byes to Tamarra, fifteen minutes later, she was out the door, headed toward her happily ever after.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  “Mom, thanks for inviting Justice’s parents over for our celebration dinner tonight,” Sadie said.

  “No problem,” Bethany replied. “Your daddy is coming home today, for good. I’d invite the whole world if I could.”

  “That’s because you’re not the one peeling all these potatoes for mashing,” Mother Doreen shot from the kitchen table as she peeled a ten-pound bag of potatoes.

  “Thank you, Aunti,” Sadie said as she kissed Mother Doreen on the cheek.

  “Anyway, you and Justice have been spending a lot of time on the phone lately. Seems you two are getting close. I figured it was about time I meet his mother and father so we can all discuss some ground rules.”

  “Mom, I told you, Justice’s parents are all religious and everything,” Sadie whined. “Trust and believe they’ve already set the ground rules. Oh, yeah, by the way, Justice says his pops is going to probably invite us to church on Sunday.” Sadie looked at Bethany. “Mom, I know we haven’t been to church since we left Living Word, but I think it would be nice.” Sadie then looked at Mother Doreen. “Aunti, I’d like it too if you would come. I’m sure Pastor Frey won’t mind you making a visit to another church just this one time. He probably won’t even miss you with how heavy he be into his sermons.”

  “You’re right; he probably won’t miss me.” Mother Doreen’s voice was low and sadness was etched across her face. Pastor Frey probably wouldn’t miss her this Sunday like he probably hadn’t missed her the Sunday before that. At first, after she’d left him in the restaurant that day, he tried calling her, but then the calls just stopped. If he really cared, she thought, he would have never given up. A part of her wished she’d taken his calls once she’d seen his number on the caller ID. A part of her wished she hadn’t instructed the rest of the family to ignore them on her behalf.

  Eventually, she surmised, he figured she’d gone on back to Malvonia just as she had threatened to. It had not been her intention, though, to shoot off idle threats. But her sister needing her again had kept her there, but now, everything really did seem like it was back to normal. God was in control. She was no longer needed, and just as soon as she could make the necessary arrangements and preparations, she still planned on going back home. But right now, she had a bag full of potatoes to peel.

  “Anyway, I better go get ready,” Sadie stated. “Daddy’s coming home. For real. Forever. Yesss!” Sadie excitedly ran to her room.

  Mother Doreen watched as Bethany just stood there with a smile on her face looking like she too was ready to burst with excitement.

  “Well, go ahead,” Mother Doreen said to her. “Let out that shout! Let out that praise.”

  Before Mother Doreen knew it, Bethany had begun to turn red and tremble. Her hands balled to fists, and her feet got to stomping. She bent her arms and started flapping like a bird ready to take flight. Face down toward the ground and eyes squinted, she got to moving faster; stomping and flapping, and then came the shouting.

  Mother Doreen jumped up and walked over to Bethany. She spread her arms out as wide as she could as a barrier of protection for Bethany. Deep in the Spirit, Bethany danced, shouted, and praised unto the Lord like never before. She was thankful, she was grateful, she was blessed. That’s what she was telling God. He was wonderful. He was altogether lovely. He was worthy to be praised. That’s what she was telling God.

  The joy of the Lord was finally and permanently etched across Bethany’s face and embedded in her spirit. That’s the look Mother Doreen wanted to see on her sister’s face. The look that let her know for certain her job here was done. Her work was complete, her assignment was complete. It was a new day for Bethany and her family. And it would be a new day for Mother Doreen, literally, as she headed back to Malvonia, Ohio, to New Day Temple of Faith.
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  But first, Mother Doreen had to prepare what would probably be her last big dinner in Kentucky before she headed back. And a big dinner it was. Three hours later, Mother Doreen had taken the last part of the meal out of the oven. Just as soon as she set the homemade buttered rolls on the stove top, the doorbell rang.

  “They’re here!” Sadie could be heard shouting throughout the house. “I’ll get it. They’re here.”

  At first Mother Doreen didn’t know who “they” were, as Bethany hadn’t yet made it back home from the jail with Uriah. Then she realized they wouldn’t have been ringing the doorbell to their own home, so it had to be Justice and his parents. She wiped her hands down her apron, and then removed it. She needed to go give her guests their proper greeting, but when she entered the living room, the guests weren’t exactly who she’d had in mind.

  “Pastor Frey,” Mother Doreen said, surprised. She then looked at the man standing next to him. “Pastor Davidson?” She said this more shocked than anything. “What the—”

  “I’m glad to see you two made it,” Uriah announced, coming up behind the two men, Bethany next to him.

  Bethany had an even more shocked expression on her face than Mother Doreen when she saw Pastor Davidson. “Uriah, wha . . . what’s this about? What is he doing here?” The “he” she was referring to was Pastor Davidson.

  “And since we’re asking questions,” Mother Doreen jumped in, “what’s he doing here?” That “he” was Pastor Frey.

  “I invited them,” Uriah said without shame. “Now can we all go inside, or are we having dinner picnic style out here on the front lawn?”

  Silently, not knowing what to say, everyone parted as Uriah made his way inside.

  “Daddy, you’re home,” Sadie happily exclaimed, embracing her father.

  “For good, this time,” Uriah told her, then he looked into his daughter’s eyes. “And I promise I will never do anything like this again. I really hope you’ll eventually forgive me for everything.”