Trying to Stay Saved

by E. N. Joy

  “You finished?” Barnita asked calmly.

  With her lips pinned tightly together, Paige stood silently.

  “The same way you just laid it out there, I guess I owe you the same courtesy. So here it goes.” Barnita threw her arms up, and then let them drop. “You wanna know what kind of woman I am?” She walked in close to Paige. “I’m the kind of woman who takes in her husband’s whore’s son. I’m the kind of woman who stood by her man affair after affair, and then when he knocked up one of his concubines, I wrapped the little bastard in a blanket and took him home from the hospital like I’d just pushed him out myself.”

  Paige thought she could just fall out on the floor right then and there, and it wouldn’t have had anything to do with low sugar this time.

  “I’m the one who was young, dumb, and stupid enough to allow my husband to convince me to legally adopt his whore’s son, change his diapers, feed him, and clothe him.” Barnita paused when her voice cracked, bound and determined not to break down in front of Paige. No, she was not about to give Paige the pleasure of knowing how much it had hurt her back then . . . how much it was hurting her now. “It was some type of private, closed adoption that Blake’s father managed to work out through an attorney. My name is even listed on the birth certificate as his mother. Go figure. But I didn’t care about no adoption. Blakey was mine as far as I was concerned. I came so close to taking him just to spite that no-good daddy of his. I wanted to pay him back so bad it wasn’t funny.”

  In spite of Barnita’s attempts, Paige could see the hurt and pain written all over this woman’s face. “So that’s why you’re doing this? To get back at your late husband?”

  Barnita folded her arms and turned away from Paige. She couldn’t face her. She couldn’t face the words of truth Paige had just spoken. “Think what you want about me, Miss Thing.” She whizzed the words over her shoulder at Paige. “I was a darn good woman to do all those things. But I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to. I was doing it because I loved him; I loved my husband and would have done anything for that man.”

  Although Paige couldn’t see her face, she could tell Barnita was crying.

  “But then I just couldn’t take it no more.” Barnita began reminiscing back. “That day—the day I left—it wasn’t planned. It was just a regular day. I’d gone about my regular duties that day. Prepared breakfast. Cleaned the house. Did laundry. Fixed lunch. And it was while I was fixing lunch that I realized, ‘Barnita, you can’t do this anymore, girlfriend.’” Barnita sharply turned to face Paige. “I couldn’t do it anymore.” Her eyes were full of tears. “And I remember right then and there deciding that I didn’t have to do it anymore, so I left.” Barnita shook her head as tears finally won the battle and burst forth, her nose running. “I bet you think I just took my baby girl ’cause she was mine out of my womb, but that ain’t true. I loved Blakey like he was my own.”

  “Blakey?” Paige stated.

  “Yeah, that’s what I called him.” She smiled. “I got to name him, you know. I gave him that name; Blake.” Her smile grew wider. “Called him Blakey, and he loved it.” Her smile faded. “The day I left, Blakey was sleeping. I went to his room to give him a kiss good-bye, but when I put my hand on the doorknob I stopped. I couldn’t go in that room. I knew if I went in there I’d take him with me. And that wasn’t right. He was his daddy’s blood, not mine. And although I loved him like he was my own flesh and blood, I couldn’t take that boy from his daddy.” She pointed a stern finger at Paige. “And I don’t care what you or anybody else thinks. I loved that boy and took care of him like he was my own. I never treated him any differently than I did Sharlita.”

  Strangely enough, Paige believed her.

  “Besides, I couldn’t take him with me even if he had been my flesh and blood. A boy needs a man to raise him. And no matter what his daddy did to me, he had good in him. More good than bad. I knew he’d raise that boy to be something special. So when I was standing in the grocery store line and saw his picture on the cover of that magazine, you don’t know how much I rejoiced. Standing right there in the grocery store I acted a fool. Sharlita thought she was going to have to commit me to a crazy house. ’Cause see, she didn’t know nothing about it. I might not have carried Blakey outta that house with me that day, but I carried a heap of shame. And it was that shame that had prevented me from telling Sharlita the truth—until that day in the store anyway.

  “While I was telling Sharlita why the tears of joy were pouring down my face, the tears of joy turned into tears of anger. It was like I was having to relive the entire thing over again. Me in the middle of cooking dinner and Blakey’s daddy calling and telling me there was an emergency and I had to come up to the hospital. I thought something was wrong with him. I thought something was wrong with my man. The entire drive to the hospital I kept praying to God, ‘Please don’t take my husband away from me.’” A gloomy, sickening look came across Barnita’s face. “But he took him anyway. That man was so wrapped up in his firstborn, his first and only son, that I didn’t even exist anymore.” She smiled. “But I really couldn’t blame him, though. Blakey had that ‘something’ about him even as a baby.” She looked over at Paige. “You know that something I’m talking about? It’s probably why you married him in the first place.”

  Paige smiled, although her mind was filled with so many questions. “So why hurt Blake? Because that’s all you’re doing with this lawsuit, hurting him. His father is six feet under now; it’s not going to hurt him.”

  Barnita shrugged. “Maybe so. But at the time I was just so . . . I just kept seeing Blake’s picture on that magazine, and eventually, all I could see in his eyes was the sin of his father. I couldn’t see past the sin of adultery that turned our lives upside down. Mine anyway. Blake and his dad were happy. And I was happy seeing them happy. But then there came a time when I needed to feed off of my own happiness. That time came the day I left ’em.”

  Exhaling, Paige couldn’t believe all Barnita had just shared with her. But what truly baffled her was why she’d shared it with her. “You do know that all I have to do is go out there and tell Blake what you just told me and this whole lawsuit thing could possibly go away. I mean, yeah, you legally adopted him, and you were his father’s wife, whom he never legally divorced, but . . .”

  “Yeah, I know,” Barnita acknowledged. “And there’s no way I’d want all that dragged out in the open.” She chuckled. “I actually never thought the lawsuit would hold water anyway. But now seeming it did, I’m still not worried about it. Because I know you are going to go out there and do anything but tell your husband the truth.” Barnita looked into Paige’s eyes. “See, I know you. I used to be you. You love that man out there far too much to ever do or say anything that would hurt him. Because just like I needed for Blake’s daddy to be happy, you need for Blake to be happy. Whether that man is happy or not defines your life right now. Am I right about it?”

  Paige remained silent. Barnita was right. The last thing Paige was going to do was to run out there and tell Blake news that would destroy the man he was. It would tear him apart to know of the sin, the manipulation, the lies his father committed. After all, his father was the man whom he looked up to and admired. The man who made him persevere in life. Finding out that his father, his mother—his life—wasn’t who or what they claimed to be would rock Blake’s world. And Paige knew what that would mean for her.

  “Well, I guess I better go out there and sign them papers. I got a whole new life ahead of me,” Barnita stated.

  “Yeah, you finally got your own happiness, but I guess it still ain’t your own after all, huh?”

  “Touché,” Barnita stated before she moved toward the door.

  “Wait!” Paige stopped her. There was still one thing she needed to know. “Did-did—I mean, besides cheating on you—did Blake’s father ever hurt you in any other way?”

  Barnita thought for a moment with a confused look on her face. “What do you mean . . . Oh, you
mean like hit me or anything?”

  Paige nodded.

  Barnita laughed out loud. “Heck, no. That man wouldn’t hurt a fly. He was big and gentle.” She smiled as if reminiscing on his touch. Then she turned serious. “Blakey ain’t putting his hands on you, is he?”

  Now Paige feigned a laugh. “Oh, no,” she lied. “I was just wondering, you know, if that was something I had to worry about in the future. You know they are doing studies that show violence can be inherited, passed down in the genes or something.” Paige was lying through her teeth while at the same time asking God to forgive her.

  “Harrumph. If you say so.” Barnita didn’t believe her. “I ain’t never heard about that study. But if it’s true, if that type of thing can be passed down, then you better leave Blakey now, because that mother of his was a beast.” And on that note, Barnita exited the bathroom, leaving Paige alone with a million thoughts two-stepping through her mind.

  “Oh, God, tell me what to do?” she prayed, but closed her mind to any answers He might have given her. In all honesty, she’d already made up her mind what to do. She’d already made up her mind not to go into that conference room and stop Blake from signing those documents. Doing so would mean having to tell him the truth about his father, about his real mother. She feared their marriage wouldn’t be able to survive the breaking of that dam. So she opted to keep quiet and do what Barnita had done and was about to do again: live off of Blake’s happiness.

  When Paige returned to the conference room, she made eye contact with no one. The scribbling of the signatures onto the legal document that would transfer most of Blake’s life savings over to Barnita sounded like nails scratched down a chalkboard to Paige. She cringed in torment in her seat, but still she said nothing. If Blake had been willing to let go of the money for the sake of their marriage, then why couldn’t she? Paige was doing this for the sake of their marriage as well. Just as long as Paige could keep that thought at the forefront of her mind, everything would be okay.

  “The funds will be transferred by the close of business today, tomorrow at the latest,” Randall told Ms. Turner before he escorted Paige and Blake out of the conference room.

  Paige couldn’t help but look back at Barnita and Sharlita sharing a hug. Over her daughter’s shoulder Barnita gave Paige a wink, as if the two of them shared some secret bond now, some special connection.

  Not being able to get out of that conference room soon enough, Paige was grateful that she would never see the likes of Barnita again. But as she rode down the elevator arm in arm with Blake, her head resting against his shoulder, she remembered that there was one last question she had not asked Barnita, and that question was, who, in fact, was Blake’s biological mother.

  She looked up at Blake as he just happened to look down at her and smiled. She smiled back. And it was then that Paige realized she didn’t need to know who his real mother was. None of that mattered now. All that mattered was that they were happy, and like Barnita had called it, Paige would do and say any and everything to make Blake happy. But it was what she wouldn’t say, what she would never tell him, that she intended to do to keep them happy.

  Chapter Thirty-nine

  “Justice!” Sadie exclaimed happily as she made her way through the adults all the way to Justice, who stood behind his mother and father. “I’m so glad you made it.” Sadie really was glad that Justice had arrived, so her greeting was genuine. But she was also making a big scene about him being there in order to simmer down the brewing storm. The tension among the adults may have been invisible, yet it could be felt.

  “Me too,” Justice stated with a shy grin and just enough pimples to show that he was heading toward the finishing stages of puberty.

  “Mom, Dad,” Sadie said to her parents, “this is Justice. Justice, this is my mom and dad, Mr. and Mrs. Tyson.” Sadie looked at Mother Doreen. “Oh, yeah, and this is my Aunti Doreen I be telling you about.” Next, Sadie looked at Justice’s parents. “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Klein. This is my mom, dad, and my—”

  “Oh, I know exactly who Justice’s father is,” Mother Doreen said, giving Bishop Klein the look. “And I think it’s a shame that this man used his son to help him do his dirty work.”

  “Aunti, what are you talking about?” Sadie was really confused as she stood next to Justice.

  “This bishop has been snooping around the church trying to get the dirt on Pastor Frey and this family,” Mother Doreen stated. “And it looks like he used his son here to get close to Sadie so he could do the same.”

  A hurt look came across Sadie’s face as she inched away from Justice.

  “’Reen,” Bethany stated, seeing the disappointment in her daughter’s eyes. “That can’t be true.”

  Mother Doreen hadn’t mentioned the incident involving Bishop to Bethany because she felt it was church business. So Bethany was doubtful of her sister’s accusations. But now that Bishop Klein had stepped foot into their home and was using his son to infiltrate the family’s affairs, it was anybody’s business who Sister Doreen felt it should be.

  “Well, there is some truth to it,” Pastor Frey stepped in. “I can vouch for that much.”

  “Oh, please,” Bishop Klein stated. “I’d never use my son to do my dirty work.”

  “So you do admit that you played dirty?” Mother Doreen stated to Bishop. “You laying low just waiting to catch somebody doing wrong? If you were here because you thought there was some wrongdoings going on up at Living Word, Living Waters, then you should have come in the name of Jesus, showed yourself, and nipped it in the bud. Pardon me if I’m overstepping my boundaries, Bishop, but God don’t play, so neither should His vessels.”

  There was complete silence in the room, all eyes glued to Bishop for his comeback.

  Relaxing his shoulders and letting out a gust of air he stated, “She’s right,” in reference to Mother Doreen. “She’s absolutely right.”

  Now Sadie completely inched away from Justice and went to her mother’s side. “Justice, I can’t believe this. You used me.”

  Justice went to open his mouth, but it was Bishop’s voice everyone heard.

  “What I mean, sweetheart,” Bishop said to Sadie, “is that your aunt here is right about me going about this entire thing the wrong way. But what she’s not right about is me using my son’s aid in my efforts. Justice had no idea about my assignment here in Kentucky. He had no idea of the church or the players in the game.”

  “So this was just a game to you?” Now Pastor Frey stepped in. He’d been biting his tongue. He respected his elders and leaders in the ministry, his dedication to Pastor Davidson making this very obvious. But what Pastor Frey was sick and tired of was his leaders playing games. Ministry was not a game, and he was tired of feeling like a pawn.

  “No, Pastor,” Bishop replied. “I take the ministry very seriously, but sometimes, just like everybody else, I do what I want to do, what I think will work, instead of what God knows will work.” Bishop continued. “I apologize for the way I went about handling this situation. You should have been notified that I was coming here and why. You should have been able to prepare and cover yourself with prayer the same way I was. You should not have been a victim of my sneak attack.”

  “Thank you, Bishop. I accept your apology, and I’m glad you see it that way.” Pastor Frey calmed down. “And, uh, like Sister Doreen, I’m sorry if I overstepped my boundaries with the way I just spoke.”

  “I think we both might have overstepped our boundaries to some degree,” Bishop admitted. “Apology accepted.” He then extended his hand to Pastor Frey.

  Pastor Frey looked down at Bishop’s hand, and then shook it.

  “Praise God,” Uriah expressed, throwing his hands in the air. “Now, can we eat? I passed up cold oatmeal for breakfast and spoiled egg salad sandwiches for lunch in order to save room for this meal.”

  There were several chuckles.

  “And, Justice,” Sadie spoke, now inching her way back in his direction, “I�
�m sorry I doubted you.”

  Blushing, Justice stuck his hands in his pocket and replied, “Aw, don’t worry about it. It ain’t nothing. But like your dad here stated, can we eat? The way you talk about your aunt’s cooking, I don’t know how much longer I can just stand here smelling it without getting my grub on.” Justice rubbed his hands together as everyone laughed.

  “Yeah, my aunti is the best cook in the world,” Sadie confirmed.

  “Good, ’cause it’s been a minute since I’ve had a meal where I can throw down.”

  Both Uriah and Bishop cleared their throats. When their children looked over at them, they each nodded at their wives. That’s when both Sadie and Justice realized while complimenting Mother Doreen’s cooking, they weren’t saying too much about their own mothers’ skills in the kitchen.

  “Oh, but my moms can throw down too,” Justice added, receiving a bright smile from his mother. “She makes the best Beanie-Weenies in the world.”

  “Oh, I beg to differ; my moms probably got your moms on that,” Sadie said confidently. “She can make it with her eyes closed.”

  “Okay, okay, that’s enough,” Bethany stated. “I think Mrs. Klein and I get the point.”

  “Yeah,” Mrs. Klein smiled.

  “So like my husband asked,” Bethany said, “can we eat now?”

  “Yes, indeed,” Mrs. Klein stated, “but only if you all agree to have dinner with us next week.”

  “How about we make it a joint effort?” Bethany stated. “A Beanie-Weenie cook-off. Then we’ll really be able to decide who makes the best in the world.”

  “Deal,” Mrs. Klein agreed as she and Bethany shook on it.

  “Now, right this way,” Bethany instructed as she led the hungry mob into the kitchen, not even realizing that the crew was one man short.