by Tia Lewis
I should have recognized Ken's type the moment I laid my eyes on him. Ken was the kind of guy that gets with a lot of girls and it never really means anything to him. He had a bad heart. He wasn't sick, he was poisoned, and he didn't know. It seemed as though he was out of touch with reality by the way he would make assumptions and detach himself from his cold words. Perhaps he was used to getting his way too often. I realized I didn't owe anything to Ken.
At first, I didn't want to walk away quickly without giving Ken a chance. I was new to the state, I couldn't afford to lose a potential friend. I needed a support system, I needed someone else besides Brooke who would notice if I dropped off the face of the earth. Being in California had made me realize how lonely I was, but this wasn't the right way to find comfort. This wasn't the right way to escape my solitude. I realized I didn't need to feel guilty about walking out on Ken. I knew what I deserved, and it was way more than what Ken had to offer. Ken had hurt my pride, but I wasn't going to allow it to happen any longer. He was the most toxic person I had ever met.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Whatever, I'm out of here."
I stood up, but Ken grabbed my arm, pulling me back toward him. "Alright, drop the act. I know you're not really mad. Let's just go back to my place, and I'll make it up to you." Ken smiled at me, eyeing my body up and down. "I bet I could rip that dress right off of your body with my teeth."
"There's no way I would ever let you touch me, let go," I demanded.
"Come on baby. You were basically begging to suck my dick when you messaged me back. I know you want me. Who could resist me?"
I picked up my glass from the table and threw what was left of my drink on his face.
"You bitch!" He yelled as he let go of my wrist and wiped his eyes.
"I don't know what kind of women let you talk to them like that, but I'm not going to be one of them. Don't ever call me again," I set the drink down on the table and turned around to leave, trying to ignore the room full of shocked faces.
I got into my car, closed the door, sat silent and shaking for a few seconds and then started to cry. What just happened? How could someone be so terrible? How could I have put myself in such an awful position? I thought to myself, trying to regain my composure. I felt completely out of my element; like I was an outsider looking into this crazy, disgusting, chaotic world. Is this what men in LA were like? Is this what dating was like? Had I spent my childhood fantasizing about romance when it didn't even exist?
Like Ken said, it wasn't a date. I would never want that catastrophe to be my first date ever. I sat in the car for a few minutes, calming myself down with positive thoughts. I would have to let Ken be a difficult life lesson and not take it too hard.
I looked down at my phone. I saw a text from Brooke asking how the date was going. I couldn't believe I was about to go home and tell her about how terrible this guy from the internet had just treated me. When I was driving to the restaurant, I was positive I was going to have a good time with him. I thought life was going to reward me for being optimistic, open minded, and approaching a new situation with a good attitude. Why did I have to end up meeting someone disrespectful, inconsiderate, and who had a coke problem?
As I was sitting in my car, I watched the restaurant door swing open quickly. Ken stumbled out of the restaurant with a woman on his arm. She was extremely thin with a skimpy dress and stilettos on. The woman held onto Ken tightly as they walked to his car together. I watched him open the car door and slap her ass hard before he got into the driver's seat. Ken struggled to get out of the parking spot before he sped off.
Wherever they were going, whatever they were doing, I didn't want to be a part of it. I suddenly felt a sense of ease as I watched the car drive off into the distance. I dodged a bullet. At least I could say that I stood up for myself. At least I could say I took the high road and held onto my self-respect. Earlier that day, I was thinking about how I didn't really know what I was looking for, but now I had a good idea of what I wasn't looking for.
The woman who had just left with Ken was probably just like him. She probably wanted the same things as him—wanted to use him just as much as he wanted to use her. She probably wanted to spend the evening getting intoxicated and fucked by some random rich man. He wanted to spend the evening getting intoxicated and fucking some random girl from the bar who didn't ask any questions. There was nothing wrong with that as long as they were both on the same page. So I just needed to find someone that was on the same page as I was.
I went home and tried to forget the whole experience. When Brooke arrived home a couple hours later, I told her all about my horror story. She was just as shocked as I was.
"I hope this doesn't scare you away from online dating forever. I promise there are plenty of guys that are way more respectful than that," Brooke assured me.
"I don't know, that was pretty awful. I don't know if I would ever want to put myself in a situation like that again. We didn't even talk really, he just assumed I was ready to go back to his place as soon as I had a little to drink. It's crazy to think that anyone would actually assume I'd sleep with them that quickly," I sighed. "I'm interested in meeting someone, but I don't know if online dating is for me."
"Don't let that asshole stop you from having a good time. Maybe you shouldn't meet up with someone so quickly next time," Brooke recommended.
"Yeah, maybe that was a little reckless. I don't know, perhaps I'm too open to suggestions. He seemed nice, it was down the street, and I was attracted to him at first. I'm usually not attracted to people that often so I thought it was a sign."
"There are plenty of guys that are genuinely interested in having a conversation and getting to know someone. I bet you'll find someone sooner than you think."
Brooke might have been right, but I was feeling exhausted by my "dinner" with Ken. There was nothing about that experience that made me want to go back online and keep looking. I kept flashing back to Ken's face. "Come on baby. You were basically begging to suck my dick when you messaged me back. I know you want me. Who could resist me?" I couldn't help but keep replaying his words over and over in my head. At least whoever I met next would never be as terrible as Ken. No one could be as bad him.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. How was your date?" I asked Brooke.
"I'm almost hesitant to tell you about my night after hearing about your disaster."
"You can't be serious! I need the distraction now more than ever!"
"Only if you're sure?"
"Now you have to tell me! Spill it!"
"Ok. My date Patrick told me to meet him at a restaurant in West Hollywood. Patrick looked super-hot in his pictures and when we FaceTimed. He's 5'10" and Brazilian. I looked the restaurant up on Yelp before I went and couldn't believe it was actually a five-star restaurant. So I wanted to go all out, I got my hair done, my nails were done, and bought a new pair of shoes. I was looking really cute, I wore that tight blue dress you gave me for Christmas last year, do you remember? Yeah, I was looking fantastic. When I walked into the restaurant, he was waiting for me. He was even more gorgeous in person, and he had amazing manners. We had a fantastic dinner, and the conversation flowed," Brooke gushed.
"No way!"
"Yeah, I guess it turned out pretty well after all. And he was a true gentleman. I know it sounds crazy, but I actually had a really good time. We have plans to go out again next week. I hate to say it, but I'm actually really excited," she shrugged and kept smiling.
"Wow, I'm glad you had a good time and that it turned out so well."
"Thanks, Anna. If only Ken had been a decent guy instead of his actual shitty self, maybe you would have had a better time," Brooke joked.
If only. Even though Brooke's story was surprising, I admired how easily she went with the flow. I hoped I would be able to go with the flow like she had. Brooke had an amazing way of letting things happen naturally. She never forced something she wanted, she would just trust it would happen no matter what. She truste
d herself no matter what direction her life took her, I hoped to be a little more like Brooke in that sense.
After spending a day away from Tinder, I started to get pretty curious about who was messaging me in the meantime. I opened up the app, scrolling through the surprising amount of messages that I had received over the last day. I felt my stomach sink when I saw Ken's profile pop up on my old messages. There was a green dot next to his name, showing that he was currently online. I immediately blocked his profile and kept scrolling. I felt bad for whatever girl he tricked into meeting him next.
There were a few nice messages from attractive men, but no one who stood out in particular. After meeting up with Ken, I knew I didn't want to meet up with just anyone. It had to be someone special. It was going to have to be someone that really stood out among everyone else. He would have to catch my eye and really seem different from the rest. I wasn't going to be foolish this time. I was going to take Brooke's advice and get to know them before even considering arranging a meetup.
I wasn't going to let Ken ruin my perception of online dating. There were so many different kinds of people in LA, there had to be handsome men with good manners. Maybe I just needed to look a little harder. Maybe I just really needed to pay attention to what they were interested in and what their priorities were. Ken seemed to only pay attention to my looks when we briefly spoke. He didn't seem interested in getting to know me, asking me about myself, or even having a conversation in general. If someone didn't seem interested in having a conversation from here on, I wasn't going to give them the time of day.
I wanted a true gentleman, the kind in fairytales. A true gentleman only gives for the sake of giving, never expecting anything in return. A true gentleman appreciates your intelligence, engages in meaningful conversation, and respects everyone around him. A true gentleman would never assume a woman wants to sleep with him after one drink or jump to a second woman the moment the first walks out the door. A true gentleman would be the exact opposite of Ken. With all of the men in LA, there had to be at least one gentleman, and I was going to find him.
I started to feel more hopeful as I scrolled through the dating app once again. I was feeling rather cautious, but I wanted to still be open to the possibilities that were ahead of me. I scrolled down a page of faces in my area until I saw him. I immediately stopped and clicked on his profile. Wow, I thought to myself, the corners of my mouth lifting up into a smile, he's perfect. I was instantly attracted to him. He had dark brown hair, green eyes, perfect white teeth, tanned skin, and a bright smile. He didn't list much on his profile other than he was from London, went to Stanford School of Medicine, and liked to cook. Although he seemed to be highly educated, there seemed to be a bit of a bad boy side to him, as well. He had one or two pictures where he was lounging on the beach or in an infinity pool. He had toned arms and tattoos on his biceps. I was completely drawn to his demeanor. I wanted to know him. There was one picture of him on a huge motorcycle. I wondered if he owned it. Motorcycles have always intimidated me, but it was sexy that he had an "edgy" side to him. His screen name medicalifornia88 caught my eye. I scrolled through each of his pictures, analyzing each detail. I noticed his age wasn't listed on his profile. He looked like he was a good number of years older than me but, I couldn't tell how much older. He had a sophisticated look but a younger face. There was something about him that I couldn't let go of. I decided that I had to talk to him.
Me: Hey, how are you?
I typed casually and quickly hit send without thinking. Oh my gosh, I thought. I started overthinking the message, was that the right thing to say? Was that too simple? Will he think that I'm bad at starting conversations? I didn't know if I was even doing it right. I set my phone down and took a deep breath. I figured it was weird starting a conversation with a stranger regardless so I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself. If he likes me, he likes me. If he doesn't, he doesn't, I tried to convince myself. I secretly hoped that I would hear from him soon. I picked my phone back up and looked at the message again. He hadn't responded yet. I decided to scroll through some more profiles to distract myself. I saw a few I liked and messaged them but no one I liked quite as much as medicalifornia88. He definitely had my attention. Maybe it was his smile or the strength in his eyes, something made me want him.
I went to sleep wondering if I would hear back from him. I woke up to the sound of my alarm blazing in the nighttime. I was out of bed, dressed, and driving to work by 5:00 AM for a 6:00 AM training shift. I got to the hospital and parked in my designated lot. Before getting out of the car, I checked the small amount of makeup I had quickly thrown on, touching up my mascara.
I pulled out my phone to see how much time I had. And then it happened. Suddenly a notification popped up at the bottom of my screen. "1 New Message from medicalifornia88." My eyes widened. I immediately clicked on it.
medicalifornia88: I'm good. I'm about to walk into work, what about you? Usually women as beautiful as you don't message me first.
I could feel my cheeks burning. I couldn't believe that I was already so attracted to someone that I had never met before. I didn't know what to say back, I could feel myself getting flustered. I set my phone down and looked in the mirror again. I didn't have time to waste, I needed to start my shift, and knew I might not be able to look at my phone for the next eight hours or so. I wanted to know everything about him, but this was my first time carrying a conversation with someone from the internet. I felt really aware of myself. Ok, don't overthink it. He's not going to be anything like Ken, he's going to be so much better. Just message him back, Anna.
Me: I'm about to walk into work, as well. Thank you, when I saw you I knew I had to say something. Where do you work?
I sent the message then read it again three times. Yikes, why did I say that? I wanted to let him know I was attracted to him but he's going to think I'm corny now. I tried to push my doubts to the side and started walking toward the hospital. When I got into the room, I started to introduce myself to some of the other nurses that were also training. Everyone seemed nice and excited to begin. Training went pretty smoothly. We went over the basics of the job, discussing fire codes, safety precautions, general information about the hospital. I was ready to get out on the floor, I could tell a lot of the other nurses were getting anxious too. I fidgeted with my pencil to distract myself from the longevity of the lecture. A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. The lead nurse opened the door, and in walked an incredibly handsome man. All of the other nurses directed their attention to the door, sitting up straight and fixing their hair.
"Everyone, I would like you to meet one of the best surgeons at our hospital, Dr. John Michaels. Doctor, these are the new nurses in training. I'm sure some of you will have the pleasure of working together someday," the lead nurse said.
"Hello, welcome to Gladstone. I hope your training goes well," Dr. Michaels said, revealing his English accent, my eyes darted toward the door. I had only met one person from the UK but quickly found how enchanting their accents are. Dr. Michaels flashed a flawless smile and then directed his focus toward the lead nurse. "Could I talk to you in the hall for a minute? There is a patient that has been trying to get ahold of you."
"Certainly. Please talk amongst yourself for a second," the lead nurse said and then followed the doctor into the hallway.
Some of the girls and the two gay nurses started to whisper about how hot they thought the doctor was. I was sitting a few rows back from the front of the classroom, but I could have sworn that I had seen him before. I started to replay his smile over in my head, wondering why it seemed so familiar, wondering why my heart was still beating hard in my chest. Suddenly my heart sank. It was him. The doctor was medicalifornia88! My cheeks turned bright red. I dropped my head so that my hair covered the rest of my face, trying to hide my embarrassment from the other trainees. No no no no no, I kept repeating in my head, this is not happening. We cannot be working in the same hospital. No no no no no no no. I didn'
t want to believe it. Had he seen me when he walked into the room? Would he recognize me if he hadn't? Even if he hadn't seen me, we were going to end up meeting again at some point. I wasn't going to be able to avoid him forever. I started to worry that I was going to lose my job. If anyone else knew we had talked online before my first day, I would be in a lot of trouble.
Oh my gosh! What am I going to do? I started to panic but quickly calmed myself down so I could think of solutions. Maybe if it really was him, I could just block him really quickly. Maybe then he wouldn't remember me, and I would have just been another brief conversation. I pulled my phone out of my purse. I opened the dating app, trying to hide my screen with my left hand as I scrolled through all of the new messages to go to the doctor's. My heart sank again as I saw that he had messaged me back.
medicalifornia88: I'm a surgeon at Gladstone Hospital. What about you? I'm glad you said something. I like a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to get it.
Then it's official, that beautiful man that just walked in the door really was him. I smiled to myself. Even though I knew what I had to do, I was thrilled that he seemed just as perfect in person as he did online. My smile faded, I knew what I had to do. I was thrilled Dr. Michaels was attracted to me too but I really, really needed my job. I had spent weeks trying to find one. If I lost this job, I might have to move back to North Carolina.
I didn't want to risk my job for a man that I barely even knew. But… I was drawn to him. I craved him. When I first saw him, something just clicked. I felt a connection with him as though it was like a gravitational force. It felt like it was meant to be. Even though I could logically think of ten reasons I shouldn't talk to John, I didn't know how much longer I could control my desires to talk to him again. Self-control is the difference between want and need.