January 14 Tuesday
I almost couldn’t get up this morning. I was supposed to attend a meeting at 2:30 for planning my Program (subjects) for next year in 9th grade. But instead I went over to Pat’s. We went downtown into this abandoned store & broke windows & all. We got a lift to his house & my mother picked me up. It was terrible coming home in the rain & snow. I got it too. I can’t go there any more.
January 15 Wednesday
Today they announced my name over the loudspeaker and told me to come down to the office!! I didn’t go because I didn’t know when to go, this kid was yakkin’ during homeroom announcements. Finally I went down at 8th Period when school was almost over and got my head yelled off. I have to study for the Mid-Terms. Ma said I’d get the Bongo Drums if I passed everything. I hope I pass.
February 28 Thurs.
Today Momma took me to the doctor & he took off the bandages. The scar is so ugly I can hardly bear to look at it. When I first saw it I said, “Oh no, is that my flesh?”
May 28 Wednesday
Today I was in lunch line. Everyone was talking & so was I. So all of a sudden some teacher—Mr. Lagumina pulls me out & sends me to the end of the line. So I asked him why and he said quote “For no reason” unquote. So then I said “Then why do I have to go?” With that he puts his hand on my neck & pushes me forward. I put his hand down then he pushed me across the hall & pasted me in the face & said to get in the office!! I had a big red hand-print on my face! Then this girl who works in the office—Joan—asked me what happened. Then I went to Mr. Jury. He didn’t do a thing. My mother’s coming up tomorrow. They ain’t gonna belt me.
Dear Pat,
Hi. Nobody loves me or wants me. I lead a dull uninteresting existence. At least you have your mother to turn to. I have Kathy but she isn’t near my locale. I am in homeroom now. There’s a bunch of chicks in here and they all hate me. Someday I’ll be a movie star that’s it!! And I’ll be rich and famous and have all the friends I want. Can’t you just picture some “dramatic chick” saying this:
You’re just a
star-struck
starry-eyed kid
Stella
So how’s tricks? I’m the “Earthy” type huh? Hell!!!!
Tuesday, October 30 1962
It is 2:30 a.m. and I can’t get to sleep. I can never get to sleep at night. Not even with sleeping pills. This is a pretty old diary. I was 13 when I had it. Now I’m 17 going on 18. Life has changed so much for me since then.
Here is the beautiful, pathetic story of one of the greatest names in history. It is the story of a young peasant girl who heard voices calling upon her to deliver her beloved France from its English conquerers. So greatly did the French people love her, that although she failed in her mission and died a martyr’s death, the memory of her short hour of glory carried her people on to ultimate victory.
Reprinted from “JOAN OF ARC,”
Classic Comic Books, 1954
chapter 6
The Mask of the Actor
So many times in life one must put on an act. There are so many situations where the true feeling must be covered by a more acceptable one. As a child I learned to don the mask when the occasion called for it. (Later I learned to don the wig.)
Christmas—1965
Dear Kathy,
Merry Christmas! I wish it were. Why can’t I stop feeling sorry for myself? I am so lonely, Kathy. It’s like I was in here. We must find a way to be together to help each other. I want to be at rest, at peace. I’m such a fucking self-imposed martyr. Everyone says I like to suffer. Why do I insist on being so unhappy? Please make me wise and make it snappy!
I think I will become a nurse and help humanity and just go on like that, never giving a care for myself and become an old maid.
I am a star because I have always felt so alienated and I project this feeling to others.
I am a mutant
A woman without a man is a slave without a master
Your voice will thrill a nation
You oughta shine as brightly as Jupiter or Mars
You’d be more than Barrymore
You’d be terrific at RKO
Jane Russell would have to go
A grief shared is half a grief
A joy shared is twice a joy
One hopes that Carroll Baker is being well paid.
Barbara Stanwyck just gambled her whole place away to Ray Milland.
I try to get what I want whenever it’s possible.
I was stage struck when I was around 4.
I want to operate on the highest level I can operate on.
When I was a child, the kids always called me Marilyn or Greta.
Recently when I was at Merv Griffin’s party a dyke came over to me and said, “Is your name Greta? You used to go to the Hayloft a few years ago and they used to call you ‘the actress.’” So everybody knew even then.
I can get very Joan Crawford about the whole thing. Thanks for the punch in the nose. The Hydrophobia Hop is a dance where your dogs go wild.
He’s got a lot of polish, he sells it after the show.
Why don’t you keep your bee-stung mouth shut, ya little chatterbox?
Who does your material?
Your tailor?
It doesn’t fit
Now darling, now please, I’ve come all this way down here from the Bronx on the B.M.T.
Dear Kathy,
First of all, please forgive me for not writing sooner. I’ve been so involved with my own identity, which has been so vague, and social commitments, basic living procedures, and affairs of the heart that for awhile I ceased to exist. Except for other people.
Don’t expect to see me for the holidays. I will not cease to be myself for foolish people, no matter how dear, for foolish people make harsh judgments on me that may hurt others that I love. As dear as certain members of the family are to me, I owe them nothing but what I feel for them. If what I feel for them is going to hurt me, then let it hurt me. Only the rejection will hurt. But it can never hurt me as much as I can hurt myself by not being myself. There is one thing I must tell you because I just found it to be a truth. I’m sure it must have come to you. You must always be yourself no matter what the price. It is the highest form of morality. We should both try to live it. You’ve got to always keep your heart and mind open. You can disguise your emotions, you can even numb them, and finally you can paralyze them. And that is tragic. Our emotions are the only clues to our identity. The only true meaning in life is passion. The passion to learn, to paint, to love, etc. Don’t dare destroy your passion for the sake of others. When you do you’ve lost the beauty of life, and that’s what a sin is. By robbing yourself of your very reason to exist, you have cheated. You must laugh when you must laugh, you must weep when you must weep, and you must love when you must love. I’m telling you this because we are in the same bag and also because I love you dearly. We are so close that you are actually a part of me and that part can never be taken away. You are always inside me, in my memory and in my heart. We should do a lot of exploring together. I’d like you to come to New York to live with me. By January I should have enough money. It’s time to live our own lives, and I hope we can enjoy a long, but not too long, relationship where we could share our room and board and ourselves. Hopingly presuming that we will both find lovers that will want us and need us to stay with them. As long as we have to grow up (and we really should, you know), let’s do it together.
Love always
Candy Darling
I have always found that social unacceptable people make the best lovers because they are more sensitive. Sandy spoke to me on the phone today and suggested a sex change. TRICKY MOTHER NATURE
I can be happy and fulfilled, I will never doubt it. I can not afford to. Each thought Each moment tuned to some great moving force
They don’t show love anymore in movies, just sex and violence. A man and a woman are no longer idealized in pictures but they are shown as a couple of
dogs in heat.
What is it you wish?
I desire believing
Dear Yvonne,
I happened to watch The Movie Game, on which you were a guest, Monday June 8. I was about to turn it off and do the dishes when I saw you were on the panel. I’ll be honest, the first thought was, is she still beautiful? You were. I am glad to see your hair is still black and you wear a deep lipstick. I am only 22 and I’m somewhat of a celebrity myself. My name is Candy Darling and I am in Andy Warhol’s Flesh, etc.
The other women Edie and——looked awful in those atrocious clothes. Yours were not too hot either … you looked terribly top heavy. That jacket is awful, throw it out. You should never squint.
The face and clothes don’t go together. You see this beautiful woman’s face and this big bush jacket. Have you ever tried Helena Rubinstein’s face cream?
It matters not what men see. For they see but what is put in front of them.
I couldn’t show up at Genevieve’s party last night at the Plaza. Who knows, maybe Michael Sarne would’ve used me. No wonder Jane Fonda or Hedy LaMarr wants to come to the factory, they don’t want to see Holly. And everyone is sick to hear about Holly being nominated for an academy award. The idea! That she should be given an award just for being the slob that she really is. Andy, I saw her the other day at the Cookery. She had a beard with eye makeup on and a ripped sweater and ripped stockings and she was shaking like a leaf. She takes heroin and amphetamine and picks her nose in public. She has the vocabulary of a 10 yr. old. And the 3 outstanding stars got no awards. Viva, Brigit, and myself. Viva was the best thing you ever had. I’ll never forget that picture of her helping your mother into the hospital. It was a profile shot and she looked like the most beautiful woman in the world. You can’t really think she’s great. You just want to put something over on the public. You just want everyone to say, oh well, if Andy Warhol thinks she’s great she must be. Do you know she rushed over to Viva one day and said, oh Viva everyone tells me I look just like you and that I talk and act just like you. Viva told me and Geraldine that she was never so insulted in her life and she thought that Holly was the most ridiculous thing she had ever seen. Holly also thought she looked like Sharon Tate, this is when Valley of the Dolls came out, and just ask Jackie if you don’t believe me.
When you first met me you said I had such good ideas but you never fixed my teeth. I know Flesh was sold for 400,000 and made plenty here in N.Y.
Dear Kathy,
I was glad to hear from you. I was in Toronto, Canada, on a publicity tour with Andy. It was so exciting. Did you see my picture in Photoplay? What? You didn’t know? Yes my dear, your famous cousin has finally made page 5 of the January issue of our old bible. Remember how we used to pore over those fan magazines? Drooling over Liz and Kim—hating Debbie. Well now they can drool over me cause I’m famous and I’m beautiful! (In my 82 lbs. of makeup.)
I am so pissed. My manager called me tonight and told me about this new show “Applause.” It’s a musical version of “All About Eve” and it stars Lauren Bacall. Now my manager handles an actor named Tas it stars Lauren Bacall. Now Pengley. He’s very handsome, like Gregory Peck, but he’s a real conceited punk. He has an attitude like Laurence Harvey, asking me personal questions and acting so superior and snotty. Well, he has tickets for opening night. He was going to take Sandy but she can’t go so she asked him to take me because it’s a very Big opening. Now this fuck won’t because he’s too afraid of his image to be seen in public with me. He’s afraid of being read for being a fag—well I can get very evil. I’ll just tell everyone he’s a fag. I can get very Joan Crawford about the whole thing. Anyway I shouldn’t be acting like this.
Another frig in my life. My date for New Year’s Eve. Jim Hanafy. Get a load of this. New Year’s Eve I went out with Jim, Geraldine, and Leonard. When we were in the building where I live with my manager Sandy we asked the doorman to get us a cab. Now I can’t tell him to give the doorman a tip, can I? He never sees that doorman but I’m always making him get me cabs. So I gave him a dollar to give to the doorman cause he’s the man. Well when we got in the cab he still didn’t give the doorman the dollar, he stuffed it in his pocket. I said give me that dollar and rolled down the window and gave it to the doorman.
I just got over a terrific cold. I got it when we went to Canada. I think it was pneumonia or pleurisy because I was taking everything and couldn’t get rid of it. You see, I went up to the frozen north in a micro-mini and a monkey fur jacket. Oh, and my other coat was a plastic trench coat. I bought one of those wet look coats it was $70. I hate it. When it’s warm out the coat is warm when it’s cold out the coat is cold. The monkey coat is glamorous but not warm. A friend of mine (Andrea Feldman) killed herself and she had a new black mink coat. I would like to buy it from the mother but I don’t know her.
I found this great makeup for the lips. Max Factor’s “Geminesse” tawny tint and with it Max Factor’s lip gloss in the compact, but you need a lip brush.
My dear Pat,
I must say I am most surprised at not hearing from you in such a long period of time. I am very anxious to hear from you, please write immediately. You have been so good in the past, always sending such long letters full of news and photographs and I have always been the tardy one. It seems so unlike you that I sometimes wonder whether you are dead or alive. Since I have no way of knowing whether or not you will ever receive this letter I will keep it brief. Do you know that I sent a long very personal letter some months ago? I am very well and will have two films coming out soon. One is called “The Bar” (called later “Some of My Best Friends Are …”—ed.) It is a major film about homosexuals in a bar on Christmas Eve. I have a sizable part in which I am beat up and cry a lot. My name in the film is Karen and I wear all pink. It was one of the most enjoyable sequences of my life making that film. I have been in The American Cinema, Vogue, and right now I am in a film called Brand X, which is a satire of television. My name is on the movie marquee (at last!) I will send you a photo.
I must take the steps necessary to further my ability to function on the highest level I can operate on. I operate better as a woman.
I’d go in a burning building for you, if you fell overboard I’d jump in. 1/19/70
Be good, good, good, better, better, best, best, best you can be.
Real, real, very real.
Goodness sweetness simplicity
all the things you are
My goal is to be a beautiful woman, rich and married by 1971,
Sun. January 25, 1970
I used 1 oz. hair lightener 1 oz. wintercheat 1
oz. ermine
I want to be good just to be good.
When depressed—
Make yourself as pretty as possible.
1. Get hair done
No money? Do it yourself—
Do whatever you feel given to do.
Clean.
Visit Seymour.
I never had anything make me this sick before manhattans.
They were going to drive me into the city this morning.
1. a beautiful big house in Long Island and one in Calif.
2. learn languages & sew
3. Cabin on Lake Winnepesaskee
Rug for my room—color T.V. fall—new clothes white backless shoes. hormone treatment electrolysis. dog. fur coat—car—new house.
To whom it may concern,
Dear Sir,
This is just one letter to tell you how one person enjoys and appreciates the Route 66 program you show every weekday. The stories are so touching and meaningful. The acting is so real and true to life. I never knew how good this series was when it was on prime time. God bless television. Without it many would probably never see such great modern day stories. I am an actress myself and I wish you could tell me how I could find out where and how to obtain the script of
Hi Tommy,
Surprised to hear from me? I never thought I’d be writing to you. I’ve been up all
night alone, wondering about my identity. I’m living on East 6th St. now with a straight couple and a couple of drag queens. One of the queens triggered me off, trying to look for an explanation for living in this strange stylized sexuality. She asked me when she got in drag what I felt she looked like. Male or female. I tried to tell her there is no feeling about it. Realization cuts feeling off. I tried to explain my identity as being a male who has assumed the attitudes and somewhat the emotions of a female. I’ve been slowly strangling my ego. With the ego and fear I haven’t many people to classify myself. The role is rather drab and without glamour and mystery. I don’t know which role to play. I would like to live with someone whom I could—
July Friday p.m. 1970
Today is Jim’s birthday. I am on the Long Island R.R. on my way to see him. I am suffering again. Desperately desire lover. Want to please a man. Despise my body. Will appeal to God to help me.
What type of society is it that every malcontent is free to rear their ugly head and shout for rights?
date: Saturday July 8, 1970
condition of hair: very dirty, heavy regrowth in back of head, light regrowth in front, tangled, not smooth
material: ultra blue-starting at back right to back left to left side to right side. left on 1 hr. - result lemon color roots few black spots. Born Blonde beautiful beige. 30 mins.
I will never break anyone’s heart or hurt anyone’s feelings. I will be good and helpful to people around me. I will work hard every day. Don’t be a fool. Anyone can be beautiful. At least anyone can have beautiful hair.
Always say and do whatever you feel but not obnoxiously as some rebels do. Stand up for what you believe in and do what you believe in. Be strong. Only a lack of humility and truth can defeat me.—Be a perfect angel.
The name you choose for yourself is more your own than the name you’re born with.
I am an irrestistible magnet with the power to attract unto myself everything that I divinely desire, according to my thoughts, feelings and mental pictures I constantly entertain and radiate. I am the center of my universe! I have the power to create whatever I wish. I attract whatever I radiate. I attract whatever I mentally choose and accept I am choosing accepting the highest and best in life. I choose and accept health success and happiness. I now choose lavish abundance for myself and for all mankind. This is a rich friendly universe and I dare to accept it for its riches its hospitality to enjoy them now.
Candy Darling Page 6