I dreamt of a nightclub with the atmosphere of a beach. One wall a tide like an ocean, real sand, waiters dressed like beach attendants.
Dear Kathy,
It’s Wednesday morning Dec. 16, 1970, 5:30 a.m. I got up a little while ago. There is a storm outside. The wind is very scary. Every morning I have coffee and cookies for breakfast. I’m having it now. Thank you for the wind up toy and it’s always nice to receive a surprise. It’s a good thing you did not come to the party. I’m glad you didn’t. First of all, these unexpected people showed up and left a boy there who was mentally retarded. Every time I moved he would sit right next to me.
Jeremiah said, “Do you want to sit down in the next room?” (knowing he was cookoo) and the boy said, “No, I want to sit right here next to her” and every time I looked at him he’d look away in shyness. Well we looked in his wallet and found his name and address in Connecticut and called his parents at 2 a.m. He had been missing for two weeks (I was not surprised) and said they were grateful and they would drive right down and be at the apt. at 6 a.m. if it was all right with us. Naturally we said yes and at about 6:30 a very normal looking man with two sons appeared at the door and was very appreciative. There were tears in the eyes. It was very touching and Jeremiah even refused the $20 which the father pressed into his hand in gratitude which will give you a clue to his character. (I do hope the man didn’t hear me whispering “keep it we need it”) Ha Ha.
Between the time we notified the parents and we unloaded him, another drama took place. At about 3 a.m. there was a beating at the door. When the door was opened, a Negro prostitute dripping with blood was seen. We took her in and gave her a seat. She had been stabbed in the head, or slashed or something, and was bleeding all over. I did not know what to do for the poor thing but I felt faint from the shock of it. Jeremiah again acted wisely and called the emergency squad. A few minutes later the police were there. My guests were absolutely mortified and most of them left (all the nice ones). Those who are amused by this sort of spectacle stayed to see what would happen next. Besides the two events mentioned, there were several heated arguments. One of my dear friends spit in another dear friend’s face. I was not flattered when I saw the bathroom door had been beaten in and was lying on the floor. One girl had her clothes ripped off and fell on the bed in a flood of tears. There were, of course, the usual thefts (many of my presents), the animals had to go in hiding, Gary was yelling obscene things to people on the street, and Burt broke a bottle of bourbon on the kitchen floor. All in all it was a marvelous party dahling.
I was on television last Tuesday, you will be surprised to know. I did a song and dance and was interviewed.
There are men who are miserable creatures who only want to ogle girls and fulfill their own miserable lusts and then turn around and deny others like myself the right to have the most noble and worthwhile relationship with another.
I can survive without steak or even hamburger but not without love, integrity and idealism.
Candy’s need for success is very strong and so the man I love would have to put his own work aside to help me reach for the brass ring of stardom.
I enjoy being a woman.
clean entire house
do legs
hang light fixture
candles
note book
noxema - very light
—learn apache dance—
Nightclub Act.
Life size glamour photos of me
Loretta Young theme song music
I appear in a flannel night gown in a bed.
Later the explanation
that I can’t be real in an evening gown.
songs Getting to know you
Have I stayed loo long at the fair
Mirror Mirror from Follies
I’m Still Here
My name is Ronnie. I am very beautiful, spend a lot of time alone, and am very well respected. I collect beautiful clothes and pictures. No one is sure whether I am a girl or a boy.
We heard recently that Candy Darling is so much in love with her newest hearthrob/amour, that she is seen kissing him all around town. She holds him so close that people often remark that he not only smells of her perfume but is frequently covered with her lipstick. We also heard that he was living with her in Sam Green’s duplex penthouse. When asked how Sam feels about living with her “Ronnie,” she unashamedly revealed Mr. Green is in India and doesn’t know what it’s like. Furthermore she pays for everything he eats and loves it. Everyone was dying to meet him until Candy called one afternoon and said she would arrive with Ronnie. Weren’t we all surprised when Ronnie turned out to be a 9 week old Yorkshire Terrier pup, a gift from Candy herself. Speaking of lap dogs, although the exquisite blonde has been seen on a number of laps herself, she could hardly be referred to as a dog.
Ed
When I hold a little baby or a puppy in my arms, I know there must be some kind of God.
I dreamt that I was going to high school and I was in the hall on the telephone. I had Ronnie with me, who was only a little baby at the time and irresistible. He was in my parka asleep and I was talking to my grandmother long distance. These Negro boys came around me and were telling me to get off the phone and all saying I got to call my pussy and all crude things. I told them to just wait or go some where else and got into a little argument. They took my books and my parka with Ronnie and went outside. I got it back and when I went into the dark cafeteria to have lunch three other students joined me. I was telling this girl what happened and then I said where is Ronnie? I reached in my coat sleeve and brought out my hand with blood on it, which I thought was nail polish for a second because the thought of Ronnie bleeding in my coat was too awful. I reached in and brought him out. He was twisted backwards, wet with blood and silent, but still alive. I ran down the hall to the nurse’s office. The apathetic students just sat there. When I got to the nurse’s office I found the miserable bitch sitting down having her lunch. I showed Ronnie to her and begged her to help me, but she said she still had five minutes left of her lunch period and she was going to finish her tea first. At the same time I was talking to the innocent little dear broken in half. Please Ronnie don’t die, I wish it were me instead of you. It was here that I awoke. Immediately I called Ronnie to me and covered him with kisses but he just chewed my fingers.
I’m being a lady and look what happens—all my clothes are gone.
Now that I am attractive to men there isn’t a man I want.
Love is a delicate spirit that loses its essence under scrutiny.
What will I do in Italy to talk to people? They don’t speak much English and my Italian is very limited. After I say pizza, mozzarella and lasagne there’s going to be a big lull in the conversation.
Halloween is a long way off.
You’re always apt to being the target of someone’s bad joke. Or known to be unacceptable. Like you know you’re never going to meet someone’s mother.
help me to be less lonely.
Maureen O’Hara, The Foxes of Harrow
I think music can elevate the human spirit.
I ask for spiritual enlightenment
a husband—your choice
a career—utilizing wisdom
responsibility accepted
I would prefer to live in a more romantic age
when people danced together.
Call Viva get $ from Andy
I’d rather be a silly old fool than a lonely old woman
you see
I don’t think the sunrise is as good as the moonlight
Hip culture which has no grace
The noble savage—turning to primitivism
Irregularity keeps you from really living.
People who talk too much and don’t listen all have a problem.
Tonight I met Laurie—transexual. She goes to Dr. Rich. He gave her the famous silicone bust, which she claims is much softer than the implants, but I forgot to ask her whether she was talking about the fat tis
sue implants, which is done in Germany. She said she has a job as a barmaid but didn’t say where. She said she makes $2–250—a week. Also she said she is having the operation in 6 mo. Tiffany was there too, who I think is really gorgeous. I still cannot decide about the nose job. The sex change and everything else yes yes yes.
If I am going to be a woman, I want the whole thing: a home in the suburbs, a husband, and strange as it may sound, children.
I have just spoken to Taffy. She called me. I told her that I saw Anita Ekberg on television in a movie called “Screaming Mimi.” I told her how beautiful and alluring Miss Ekberg was and perhaps that is what we all want to be. Taffy said that she is in analysis and no longer thinks she is a woman and perhaps she should be a man. Bob (her lover) has already said he would accept her that way. She said it may take 3 years, but it is better than what she has this way. She said the reason we are the way we are is that we did not have suitable male identities when we were growing up. And just because we did not have suitable identities is no reason for us to think we are women. Perhaps she is right. She says it is $30 per visit and it would help. Maybe God is speaking to me through Taffy. I am going to go to the premier of Barbara tonight. It will probably be just a meaningless bore. I hope if it is, I can visit Carlos and get him to get me that coat!
I also spoke to Ron Link today (I called him) and he said to forget the play, that it was not enough time.
I am right now on the train on my way to N.Y. to the premier of Barbara. I will get to N.Y. Penn. Sta. in just enought time to take the subway downtown to the Garrick Theatre on Bleecker St., just in time for the end. Well maybe there’ll be a party afterward. My upper lip is all bumpy, I hope no one notices it. I feel I am rather through with men. Love of God will replace love of men, and actually I don’t feel I need a man. I don’t hate them or anything. I see men and sometimes I feel if I were to have a man I would like one like that. But I have no longings or crushes or anything. And yet maybe I’m always hoping, leaping to conclusions—what else is there to leap at except men. One keeps me in condition for another.
I know it hasn’t all been beer and pretzels for you either.
Lilli Lilli Lilli
personal considerations
sunburned psuedo virile types
they get a girl all confused then leave her that way
I have always been the goddess above it all, untouchable.
I explain my influence over men as simply this. I represent to many men a goddess who is untouchable, and yet a goddess who needs him to make her happy. I was born to be a queen and every time I come down from the throne I am humiliated for it and suffer many indignities.
This is my barbed wire dress. It protects the property but doesn’t hide the view.
Money doesn’t buy everything but it does buy some nice goodies—
He’s a very handsome man.
I wouldn’t have anything else but.
Welcome to the Ponderosa
No, it’s the White House but the President is out demonstrating.
Yes it is up to me. That’s kind of nice to say. It’s up to me.
If you ever do progress to a higher level of human awareness, Stay there and do not ever come down. Think not to glorify the self but the great schemer. Seek no approval or applause from man.
Where were you
Him—out. Her—out where. Him—look just leave me alone—she slaps him they fight! He beats her she runs into bedroom falls on bed crying. After she’s all cried out she very composed gets up slowly very dignified and walks calmly out of the room.
Dec.
I just finished doing my hair. I bleached it this morning (again I didn’t leave it on long enough) and I used balsam and Roux white minx rinse. I’m going to let it dry partly and reapply it. Yesterday in the mail I received a letter and wind up toy from Kathy.
There exists a whole subculture of people that are movie star oriented. There are many women who try to look like Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Novak, Veronica Lake, Jackie O.
You shouldn’t look so disapproving, Lavinia. It makes you look older and age will come soon enough to destroy that pretty face. A thing of beauty cannot remain so forever.
I’m a thousand different people. Every one is real.
The Moments
Love on a Two
Way Street
Mother,
Will you wake me up before you leave?
I need time. I’ve got to figure out what I am.
Candy Darling Candy Darling
Candy Darling
the manner in which you
answer the question and
not the specific answer
Broad road to destruction.
Do not allow the mind to be affected
by the world.
Human nature motivated by sin.
Opposition to God is bound to be punished
Following Godly will cost you
1. Repent 2. have faith 3. Obey
Dear Niel,
It was so nice to hear from you. I’m glad to see you are doing well. Everyone from Mervyn’s class is doing well. That’s because they are all so good (not as actors, as souls). Dana I know is in Japan giving the oriental populace a few thrills. Perhaps right now some suave Japanese man is showing Dana his junk. Some actors are so desperate to reach their goal that they never make it. I mean they reach their goal in the acting profession but never make it as people.
Tell Maria I said hello. Has anyone else over there even heard of me? By the way, I am in Jan. & Feb. Photoplay, Dec. Esquire, Dec. Nova, and the March issue of Vogue! I know I’m destined for stardom because when I walk along the street I sometimes see people staring at me and pointing. And the other day I overheard one woman saying to some man “I know where she belongs!” Also while uptown on a bus I had a tremendous black velvet slouch hat on, a trench coat, (knotted around the waist), and large dark glasses with aurora borealis trim, and when I put the two dimes in the machine the bus driver called me back and said “It’s thirty cents Greta.” Around the village I’m affectionately known as “the actress.” My friends have many pet names for me, like Marlene D-Train to Queens, Mamie Van Doorway or Diana Doorways. Instead of Audrey Hepburn, Tawdry Heartburn, Tana Lerner. All of these things combined (last week I went to IFA and was so glamorous that I overheard a man in the outer room gasp out loud). Also the receptionist told the agent I was trying to see that “this one must be seen to be believed.”
Everyone’s married and I plan to also. Yes Pat. I have decided to be sex changed. I am too female to be half & half. There is a very good book on the subject written by Dr. Harry Benjamin, “The Transexual Phenomenon.” I think you should read it, Pat, it would be fascinating to you both. Let me know what you think of this step I want to take.
You asked me about writing to Valerie Solanis. I think you should. I know she did a terrible thing but she has paid or is paying for it and she needs a friend. It is very thoughtful and kind of you and you should do it.
Imitations of Barbra Streisand living in cheap flea bag hotel.
Do you think I like eatin’ bean soup and peanut butter for strength and protein instead of steak? Well, I don’t like it. Do you think I like this mop of goldish red hair instead of the darkest ash blonde with tan pearl streaks? Well, I don’t like it and I don’t like wet cakes and day old bread either and I’m tired of going to beauty culture schools for a permanent. I’m just, tired, Frank.
Take your head out of the washing machine, mother, or you may get a sock in the puss. Talk about inflation. Do you know pumpernickle is now pumper dime. What a band—they only time they finish together is when they’re eating. If you’re driving, watch out for children, they’re lousy drivers.
The only thing to do is make a remake of Myra.
Myra watching television in crummy room. Brigitte Bardot picture closeups of Bardot and closeups of Myra looking envious. Next scene, Myra goes out to dept. store done up as Bardot, walks over to counter and asks man for se
x? Before leaving store buys dynel fall, doesn’t have it put in bag, just puts it right on. Should be done in Macy’s.
Then imitating Barbra Streisand.
With high heeled boots, she whips furniture with a belt.
While she’s cooking, she’s yelling I gotta get that bastard’s money. I gotta get money—
CUT
next scene—colored boy or girl friend named Platinum—she half runs half walks across the room and hits him with her coal screaming Shut Up.
for Rona Jaffe
You better act right cause I’m gonna be in around here and I play favorites. Now sit in the corner and see if you can keep your bee-stung mouth shut. Ya little chatterbox two face—
She starts up
Take your nose job and get out.
She leaves furious.
MYRA I’m only kidding darling come back Rona.
Myra is beating eggs for Rusty faster & faster as she looks at his crotch.
Candy Darling is the worst woman in the world
as MYRA
Oh you Beautiful Doll
When I went into the beauty shop Cinandre the other day I went into the room to change into a smock and forgot which side to wrap it to.
All of the protests imbued with political views and social criticism that I am usually made to feel embarrassed by my lack of knowledge. I am used to watching television with my friend who is a U.N. diplomat and having him explain it all to me. Sometimes I may disagree on a point but I feel that he knows better than me. I’m not saying that all women should be like me. I’m just saying that my intention or guardian angel or whatever that steered me to a right thinking man steers me right away from Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem. They both come across very hard to me and I don’t like hardness, especially in women. I’ve seen a certain hardness in certain men like Robin at Max’s K.C., but it’s a hardness that only covers up something good and gentle and I find that most exciting. But it is my opinion that Betty and Gloria are hard all the way down right to the bone marrow. That Betty has a purpose: I don’t know what it is but I have my suspicions. (I can’t forget the visual image of her standing on a platform in Bryant Park like a field marshal). I would chicken out on a real debate with her. It would take a man to stand up to her. I see the day coming when the words femme and butch will be more commonly used. I mean to be used for heterosexuals not just gay or bisexual. Think of the interesting types.
Candy Darling Page 7