Sex, Sleep or Scrabble

by Hammond, Phil

  The erection is maintained by sliding a cock ring down the tube and over the base. It’s good to go for thirty minutes maximum, before it becomes a bit painful and if you leave it on too long, it can clot off. Not pretty. The erection itself can be mightily impressive but it’s stone-cold and bluish, and the cock ring can stem the flow of semen and make things a bit wobbly at the base. But plenty of couples manage just fine with it and, if money’s a bit tight, you can share the pump with your neighbours.

  TIP: Get to know them first.

  ANOTHER TOP TIP: If you’re happy with the size of your erection but have trouble maintaining it, a cock ring alone could help. Choose one that isn’t too tight and with a handle or two on the side, so you can get it off again, or you’ll be dashing up to casualty.

  Is it safe to fall asleep with a penis enlarger on?

  No. But it’s generally a mistake you only make once. It was on my paper round that I first came across Dr Chartham and his revolutionary penis enlarger. One of the customers down Elcot Lane used to have a Fiesta delivered with his Times, once a month. It would come in on a Friday but I wouldn’t deliver it until the Monday (at least I didn’t until I was caught taking it home).

  As well as acquainting myself with views of the female anatomy not found in my biology textbook, I spotted an ad that promised to put three inches on length and an inch on girth. I already had ginger hair, glasses and freckles. What I needed was a unique selling point. So I donated my savings to the good Dr C, who had the decency to send me his device in plain packaging. I told Mum it was a gemstone polisher (I was a keen rock collector at the time).

  The enlarger was just a cheap vacuum pump; rubber seal at one end and a hand pump at the other. It turned a frankfurter into a king salami until you took it off again, when it shrank back to its original size. Dr Chartham evidently realised this, and only guaranteed improvements if you persevered with his regime every night for twelve weeks. This included an exercise routine which involved wrapping your penis in a warm flannel to improve the blood supply, followed by half an hour’s passive stretching. Being quite hormonal at the time, I seldom got past five minutes.

  It required a lot of commitment and privacy, which I could only guarantee after lights out. My school work started to suffer. Four weeks into the programme, I fell asleep with the enlarger on. Dr Chartham warned against breaching the thirty minute limit; I had it on for eight hours.

  I woke to find my penis reincarnated as a cylindrical blancmange, eight inches long, three inches wide and completely useless. It flopped around like a broken windscreen wiper. I felt no pain until I tried to locate my foreskin, which was grossly swollen, constricting the blood supply to the end and refusing to unravel. I had visions of having to go cock-in-hand to the casualty department, before a superhuman tug restored some semblance of anatomy. But would it ever be hard again (other than just hard to explain)?

  Medicine has apparently advanced since then, and it’s now possible to have corrective surgery to answer (or rather exploit) man’s greatest insecurity. Those who present themselves to private penis enlargement clinics tend to be in their thirties or forties and from all walks of life. The vast majority have penises that are well within the anatomical norms, but then cosmetic surgery has always relied more on perception than truth. What they all have in common is a few thousand quid’s worth of disposable income. That’s an awful lot of paper rounds.

  There are, broadly speaking, two types of operation; wideners and lengtheners. Adding width is less risky and relies on ‘reverse liposuction’, in which four ounces of fat is taken from the abdomen and injected beneath the penile skin. In theory, more fat could be injected because the skin of the shaft is very stretchy, but as yet there is no way of swelling the head and it pays to keep a sense of proportion; a cherry atop a cucumber looks faintly ludicrous. The transplanted fat cells also have a tendency to clump up, giving the penis a rather bumpy profile. After vigorous sex, you can also get a snowdrift effect. The fat migrates to the base of your penis, which then ends up looking like a parsnip.

  The extra girth can also result in a loss of sensation, akin to wearing a lard condom, and if you’re really unlucky you can end up with a soft tissue infection known as ‘cellulitic dick’. Sex is prohibited for one month after the operation, to stop permanent fat-drift. However, in most cases it is possible to suck any miscreant fat back out again.

  Adding length requires an unshakeable belief in the omnipotence of your surgeon. It entails cutting the group of ligaments that anchor the base of the penis to the underside of the pelvic bone and pulling out the root of your penis that normally lies anchored above your scrotum. This gives you an extra inch or so on show at the risk of going a bit wobbly at the base. Another windscreen-wiper dick. Also, your penis may not stand up so high as it used to and if a nerve gets cut, it may not stand up at all. In addition, the tug forward often means that pubic hair will sprout half way up your shaft. Some men are curiously dissatisfied with their sex life after surgery: ‘Look, I’ve given you a huge-numb-hairy-parsnip-wiper. What more do you want?’

  Some women like a big dick, most prefer a clean one, a kind heart and a sense of adventure. The most erogenous zones are near the surface of the body and deep in the mind.

  Is it normal to squirt during sex?

  If you’re a bloke, yes, although it’s good manners to ask permission first. Some women also release a stream of fluid either on penetration or at orgasm. As far back as 1950, German gynaecologist Ernst Grafenberg (he of G-spot fame), claimed this was the female equivalent of ejaculation, and was most likely to happen if his (or rather her) G spot was stimulated. This spot is located on the anterior wall of the vagina, only an inch or two in, so even the modestly endowed have a chance of happening upon it, halfway between the back of the pubic bone and the front of the cervix (which is no use at all if you don’t know your anatomy). Alternatively, gently stroke the front wall of the vagina and see if you can find an area of intense sensitivity. Not everyone seems to have one, but it’s lots of fun searching.

  In the seventeenth century, a Dutch embryologist called Regnier de Graaf described small glands surrounding the urethral opening in women which produced a fluid ‘which makes women more libidinous with its pungency and saltiness’. 200 years later, these were formally named Skene’s glands, after the Scottish gynaecologist Alexander Johnston Chalmers Skene. These are the equivalent of the male prostate, and both produce an enzyme called acid phosphatase. The prostate also produces lots of clear fluid to give sperm some zip on the way out. But do Skene’s glands produce a womanly ejaculate?

  In the 1930s, Dutch gynaecologist Theodore H. Van de Velde observed:

  It appears that the majority of laymen believe that

  something is forcibly squirted or expelled from the

  woman’s body in orgasm, and should so happen

  normally, as in the man’s case … I cannot venture

  to decide whether it should so happen, according to

  natural law. There is no doubt that it does happen

  to some women. But whether these are a majority

  or minority I am unable to determine.

  We could just have left it there and enjoyed the spectacle, but science is relentless in seeking out answers to academic questions. Such as ‘is the spurty stuff lady cum or wee?’ Certainly women who’ve braved childbirth a few times find that they can leak a bit during hop-skip-cough-giggle-sex games. But studies to find out what precisely is released on orgasm have been scant and poorly attended. In one group of six women, the acid phosphatase levels of what was quickly scooped up were similar to urine. But a tiny study of just one woman found she had levels equivalent to prostatic fluid.

  Who cares? If you enjoy the visual treat of a golden stream or even a clear one, and have a ready supply of old towels, then let it be. If you don’t, have a pee before sex and see if it makes a difference. If wee is an unwelcome guest on other occasions, see your GP. There’s plenty that can be
done. Just tell the receptionist you’ve come about your prostate.

  Is it possible to have a dry orgasm?

  For a woman, generally not. Even the popular pastime of ‘dry humping’ (i.e. grinding with your grundies on) produces some lubrication. Dryness usually indicates a negligent amount of foreplay, a lack of desire or a lack of oestrogen, and sex is likely to be painful and unfulfi lling. If Tony Blair’s mantra had been ‘Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay’ he’d have left a far greater legacy. Blokes can have ‘dry taps’, when they’re young and masturbating all the time, when they’re old and the sperm shoots the wrong way into the bladder, when they’ve had prostate surgery or when they’ve got a cock ring on so tight that the semen can’t get through.

  Why do women get cystitis on their honeymoon?

  On an ideal honeymoon, you’d get the chance to pee before sex (to prevent leakage) and after sex (to flush out any bowel bugs that have slipped upwards). But when you’re having lots of sex, the pee break can get overlooked. The urethral opening (wee hole) is mid-way between the clitoris (above) and vaginal opening (below), and it can get bruised and inflamed during sex, making infection more likely and sex less gratifying. Have a breather. And point out the regular pee breaks in the small print of your marriage contract.

  Can you fracture a penis?

  Yes. Even though a human penis has no bone, you should never try to bend it in half (no matter how big it is). This most often happens accidentally when a woman – understandably surprised and enthused about going on top for once – comes down hard and you both miss the point of entry. If you’re lucky, it just hurts a bit. If you’re very unlucky and you’ve got your hearing aid in, you might hear a crack or pop – followed by extreme pain, immediate flaccidity and impressive bruising.

  Forget NHS Direct (‘dead dick, dead dick, dead dick, dead dick … would you say it’s diabetes at all?’) and go straight to casualty. In the old days, we used to treat penile fracture with cold compresses and splinting, but now we tend to favour immediate surgical repair. However, this really is the occasion to ask ‘Have you done one like this before?’

  Can you bite off a penis by accident?

  It happens. Cosmopolitan often extols the gentle use of the teeth to enhance a man’s pleasure. The key word here is ‘gentle.’ And occasionally, it can be hard to remember what you’ve got in your mouth, especially if it’s been there for ages and you were feeling a bit peckish to start with. As a rule of thumb, a gherkin doesn’t have a man attached to it.

  But accidents still happen. There’s a famous scene in The World according to Garp when a couple fellating illicitly in a car are shunted from behind with the lights off. Then there’s the famous Shrove Tuesday trauma, when a man pitched up to casualty with a severed penis, accompanied by his girlfriend who had a burn on her face and bruising at the back of the scalp. The man had been cooking romantic pancakes for two, bottle of bubbly open on the side, Classic FM on the digital radio. His partner decided to show her appreciation down below. Distracted man tosses pancake. Distracted man misses pancake. Red-hot pancake flips onto woman’s forehead. Shocked woman bites penis. Man taps woman on head with saucepan to get her to let go. Bad idea.

  This is one of the few occasions in life when a prior health and safety assessment might have made a difference. The addition of a safety net would have prevented a lot of trauma and salvaged a good pancake. You can contact the Health and Safety Executive on 0845 345 0055. Why not phone now, while the batter’s standing?

  Should semen be part of a calorie-controlled diet?

  I think ‘could’ is a better ask. Each loving spoonful contains the same number of calories as five cans of Diet Coke, without the burping. The most nutritious stuff probably comes from the prostate, which adds its salty secretions to give the sperm some zip. There’s also vitamin C, citric acid, zinc, prostaglandins and all sorts of things you’d pay good money for in a health food shop. Most of it is simply water, though it may taste better out of the tap.

  Does that bum love-patch work?

  I’m not sure. Pharmaceutical giants Procter and Gamble launched a testosterone patch for women in 2008, which is supposed to ‘stimulate thoughts about sex.’ Its use is meant to be restricted to those who’ve had a premature menopause and – having enjoyed a good sex-drive previously – are now short of testosterone and need a bit of hormonal help. However, as with testosterone supplements for men, it’s sure to be demanded (or bought over the internet) by people with normal levels of the hormone who are desperate enough to try anything. ‘Go on, love, slap it on your bum and bend over.’

  And even for women with low testosterone levels, there are plenty of non-hormonal reasons not to want sex. What desperate housewife wouldn’t jump at the chance of rekindling a flame long since extinguished by a sullen husband, four hyperactive kids and an abusive boss? Why all you need is a sticky patch on the buttock.

  If you’ve had a premature menopause then a bit of testosterone might be worth a shout. Indeed, some gynaecologists suggest testosterone implants if the ovaries have been removed. But Intrinsa is just the first of twenty ‘female sex-drugs’ under development. And to have any chance of success, first you have to convince people that they have a problem that needs treating, rather than a natural waning of libido or a desire to pursue other pleasures not involving sex.

  Unbelievable as it sounds, there are people out there who don’t want sex all the time, but we’re jolly lucky to have a diligent drug industry determined to find a multi-billion pound magic potion to cure us all. And let’s not forget Dr Gillian McKeith’s Fast Formula Horny Goat Weed Complex herbal sex pills.

  As for the testosterone patch, my Gran swears by it. She’s far more assertive and way out of the front of the pension queue. That’s if you can get her out of the bedroom. She’s got just one side effect though. She’s got a little bit of unwanted hair … on her penis. Still, that’s medicine for you … swings and roundabouts.

  NOTE TO PROCTER AND GAMBLE’S LAWYERS. This is just a gag. I accept that there is no evidence a testosterone patch, properly applied, will make a woman grow a penis. There is, however, evidence to suggest that for women with low testosterone, Intrinsia gives them ‘an average of 1.9 additional satisfying sexual episodes a month, compared to 0.5 with a placebo’.

  Do men who suffer from premature ejaculation turn up early to their appointments?

  Often they do. A feeling of time pressure is at the heart of the matter.

  Do you need a stopwatch to diagnose premature ejaculation?

  No. Someone on the sidelines shouting ‘ready, steady, cock’ is only likely to make it worse. Of course it’s happened, because doctors are anal about measuring things properly. When you just ask men about their performance, they may deliberately lie or just not be aware of the time. Even so, the famous Hite Report on Male Sexuality (1981) found that most of us lift off fairly quickly. Of 11,239 men aged thirteen to ninety-seven, sixty-two per cent said they came within five minutes of penetration, twenty-one per cent didn’t last a minute and one lost his dentures. Seven per cent claimed they did not ejaculate before fifteen minutes, but that probably included a ten-minute kip in the middle.

  In a recent ‘stopwatch multinational study of a random heterosexual population’ the most common ‘intravaginal ejaculation latency time’ (IELT) was 5.4 minutes. Or to paraphrase the O’Jays, when people all over the world join glands and start a love train, it usually doesn’t last much longer than the song. The researchers proposed that coming within a minute of penetration was ‘definite premature ejaculation’.

  But even then, it’s not that simple. If you and your partner are happy with just a minute (and who wouldn’t be for anal sex?), then you have absolutely nothing to worry about. You’d be surprised how many people want to get it over fairly quickly so they can turn on Radio 4 … especially if you’re bending over in the bushes on Bushey Heath. You’ve only got premature ejaculation if you usually come before you want to, you can’t delay it
by thinking of the day your dog died, and you lie awake bothering about it afterwards, stop enjoying sex or stop sex altogether. And that would be a pity.

  How hard should you squeeze to stop the semen geyser?

  Hang on. There are a few things to work through before we get onto the squeezing bit. Getting it out in the open is a good start, but many couples don’t talk much before, during or in-between sex. They don’t look each other in the eye to spot the anguish. If one tries to talk, the other rolls over. So the problem may only fully surface when you split up. As Loudon Wainwright III once put it:

  We used to be in love

  But now we are in hate

  You used to say I came too early

  But it was you who came to late

  NOTE: Loudon Wainwright (father of Rufus and Martha) is a star, not least for his honesty and humour in articulating a man’s lot. I once followed him into a toilet in Edinburgh and said – as we peed together – ‘Loudon, you’re my hero.’ He countered with a firm, ‘Steady, boy.’ But I got his autograph.

  If you always come quickly, and always have done with all partners, and you see a doctor who’s on the case, you’re likely to be offered a drug called an SSRI. If you have lots of sex, you may decide to take one every day, or just take one six hours before you need it (not always easy to plan). In one study, the drugs helped men hang on nearly nine times longer, but three to four times would seem to be the average. SSRIs can have side effects (fatigue, yawning, mild nausea, loose stools, perspiration, agitation, diminished libido and – ironically – erectile dysfunction). For some men, they’re a life changer, others can’t stand them.