by M Helbig
“Congrats, Horus,” everyone else said at roughly the same time.
“And plenty more to come,” Olaf said with a grin.
Decrona caught Alizia’s eyes lighting up as she looked back to the camp. Before the large, green woman took off, Decrona hastily summoned a comically large healing potion and waved it toward her. Alizia greedily grabbed it, knocking Decrona over. With a practiced flick of her thumb, the cork popped off, nearly taking Olaf’s eye out.
“Now that we have time before our overexuberant one-person pulling team is otherwise occupied, I think we should go over The System™ with our new member,” Decrona said.
Olaf twisted the end of his long mustache. “I don’t know. In an odd way, I enjoy the thrill of nearly dying every time we engage something.”
Alizia finally reached up for air after a thirty-second-long chug. The multi-gallon-sized potion was almost a quarter of the way gone. “Finally, someone who gets me.” She grabbed the potion two-handed and raised it back over her mouth, splashing red liquid everywhere.
“The System™ is relatively simple,” Decrona said. “Since I won’t get a healing spell until level five, the only way we can heal is through potions or our natural regeneration. The group budget pays for some potions, though it isn’t nearly enough due to the meager amount of coins these mobs drop.”
Alizia shook her head enthusiastically while continuing to drink.
“And someone who shall remain nameless drinks all of those. As such, I developed The System™. As Alizia is going to pick a tanking class when she hits level five and she has a predilection for drawing enemies’ attention, we let her tank while she’s at full Hit Points. But when she’s not, she holds off while the rest of us draw aggro and split up the damage between us. Then she takes the next one while we use our natural regeneration to heal up.”
“That sounds like a pretty good plan,” I said. “I assume we each take a turn and by the time it’s back to her, she should be back to full.”
“No. No. Only two turns. Her and then the rest of us.”
“I like Horus’s idea better,” Olaf said. “We’d have less downtime and go through fewer potions.”
Alizia almost dropped her potion. “That’s a terrible idea! Fewer potions? I’m going to file an official protest with . . . someone. Decrona’s mom! No supper for her and lots of spankings, assuming I’ve filled out all the forms correctly and don’t anger the arbitrator with off-color jokes about his pet platypus.”
“Fine,” Decrona said. “We’ll try it Horus’s way this time. As Alizia is still not recovered, why don’t you take aggro this time, Olaf? I’ll take the next one and then Horus.”
Olaf nodded and maneuvered around the tent behind us. Ten seconds later, he gave us a thumbs up and charged forward. I was about to charge after him, but Decrona put her hand on my shoulder and shook her head. A few seconds later Olaf appeared again, stopping just in front of us with a Lizardman Youngling hot on his tail. Olaf quickly spun it around to face us and the rest of the group whacked it from behind. It only took 20% off Olaf’s HPs before I finished it off with a Vital Strike/Flanking Attack combo for 23!
You have gained 83 (75 +8 Group Bonus) Experience Points! 1,452/8,000 to next level.
You have received -5 Faction with The Lizard King. Total: -1,030 The Lizard King (Hated).
Alizia returned to her more than half-filled potion, and Decrona went around the tent to repeat what Olaf had done with another Youngling. I went next and found the area around that bunch of tents deserted, until a lone Youngling waddled out of the bushes, tightening his loincloth as he moved away from me. I gave an incoherent shout, and he obligingly turned and ran toward me, his warped spear appearing in his scaly claw. I repeated what my friends had done and soon the scaly humanoid fell in defeat. I was only down to 85%, something I’d have been hard pressed to accomplish solo.
You have gained 83 (75 +8 Group Bonus) Experience Points! 1,535/8,000 to next level.
You have received -5 Faction with The Lizard King. Total: -1,035 The Lizard King (Hated).
Alizia shone with a golden light that lasted almost a minute, and everyone congratulated her on her new level. As she performed her spastic celebratory dance, Decrona snatched the half-full potion from her.
“You can have it back if you pull one—only one Youngling,” Decrona said. “No casters, bears, dragons, or invisible/intangible men this time, either.”
Alizia crossed her arms and pouted. “His name was Norvin, and just because you couldn’t see him, hear him, or touch him, doesn’t mean he wasn’t there doing naughty things to you. I was trying to protect your dignity and as thanks you made fun of me. Some reward.”
Decrona jiggled the potion and pointed at the other side of the tent. A broad grin crossed Alizia’s face as she charged off. That grin was both adorable and terrifying, but surprisingly a minute later Alizia arrived with only a single Youngling behind her. She spun the mob to face us like Olaf had, and in thirty seconds it was dead. Decrona handed her back the potion as Olaf ran off to find the next one.
We repeated the process of taking turns for another hour, before moving on to the next cluster of tents. Even after her novelty-sized potion ran out, Alizia stayed with us until it was her turn. Instead of insane pulling, she switched to annoying Decrona as her new distraction. Decrona mostly ignored her, until Alizia mentioned her height. Decrona’s face got bright red and she looked on the verge of breaking the massive, empty potion vial over Alizia’s head, but Olaf ran in front of her with a Youngling. By the time the fight was over, Decrona seemed to have completely forgotten about it. Just to be safe, I immediately ran off to pull another.
We continued that routine for another four hours, with Olaf leveling halfway through. When I questioned if we were even fighting the right mobs for the ring, Decrona assured me her information said it was. She also informed me that this was typical of this type of quest and that the average time to get the drop was around four hours. It wasn’t unheard of for it to take days, and for one unlucky group she knew, it’d taken more than a week. Although for every instance of those, there were just as many who got the drop on the first few kills.
“I’m bored again,” Alizia said. “I know a great way to spice up the monotony of farming for shinies.”
Decrona reached into her bag and pulled out a small healing potion, while Olaf and I moved behind Alizia to block both paths back into the camp.
“That’s not what I meant.” Alizia frowned but took the potion from Decrona anyway. “Horus I could understand, but the rest of you should know me better than that. I never use a shenanigan twice in the same day. No, what I think we need is a sing-along.”
“Oh, God,” Decrona said. “Not that. Please go back to charging headfirst into packs of mobs, at least then the pain is swift.”
“Alizia,” Olaf said, “I trust you with my life, but your singing is just pure . . . doo-doo.”
Alizia smirked. “Doo-doo? Olaf! If your wife heard you using words like that . . .” She raised her arms in pretend shock. “Remind me to teach you proper curse words when we get back to the inn —or I could do it now in song!”
Decrona uncorked the potion and pushed it to Alizia’s mouth. Olaf charged off into the camp, and by the time Alizia had taken her first gulp, a Lizardman Youngling was in our midst. When it slowed down after several crits, Decrona broke off and ran into the camp. So determined was she to not give Alizia a chance to sing that she didn’t even stop to celebrate leveling. Trusting the group’s judgement, I repeated Decrona’s quick pull.
Unfortunately, when I arrived at the spot we’d been pulling from, there was nothing there. The continual hissing of the lizards communicating with each other had been deafening when we first entered, but for the first time it was completely quiet. As I tried to figure out what that could possibly mean—hoping desperately that it didn’t mean there were no more lizardmen—the silence was broken by the screams of my group. I desperately sprinted back to them
.
“Oh God,” Olaf said. “Make it stop! Make it stop!”
“It burns!” Decrona said.
A sharp pain hit my ears, stopping me in my tracks.
“I like potiooooooooons! They’re my devotiooooooooon! Smooth like the oceaaaaaaaaan! Potiooooooooons!” I swore the tents nearest the group inched away as each new “note” came out of Alizia’s tone-deaf mouth.
Decrona caught me out of the corner of her eye and pointed emphatically behind me to go get something quick. Unfortunately, the area was still deserted. I ran to the other end of the camp, but nothing was there either. Even though I was now several hundred yards from the group, I could hear their screams and Alizia’s awkward song just as clearly as if I stood with them. I was about to venture into the plains and start pulling the horned, dog-like creatures to keep her distracted when a hissing growl caught my attention from behind.
A huge axe hit me in the side of my midsection for 20! as I spun around. I stumbled back from the pain just in time to barely duck under a swipe that would’ve easily given my head a great view of the rest of my body from several feet away. The hulking, seven-foot tall lizardman licked its lips as it caught me in the shin with the haft of its axe for 4. It was toying with me now. It had easily gotten me down to 53%, and I’d offered no resistance. The good news was that with the panic hammering around my skull, I couldn’t hear Alizia’s singing anymore.
I smiled at that thought and regained my composure. Time to change things. I waited for its large axe to come again, ducked under, and caught the huge lizardman right above the knee for 8! It grunted and abruptly halted its swing, backhanding the blunt end of its axe down toward my skull.
I saw the blow coming and timed my skip perfectly when Decrona’s voice shot out of nowhere into my ear. “Horus, we see the Rare now. Don’t bother trying to pull it as those things are unusually fast. We’ll be there shortly.”
Despite the distraction, I managed to at least partially dodge, but the bone in my left shoulder felt like it was shattered. With only 4 HPs, I stumbled to the ground. I tried to roll to the side, but my body wouldn’t cooperate. The icon of a star-encircled head floating above me indicated I was Stunned. The lizardman opened its muzzle in what I assumed was a smile as it raised its axe for the killing blow. It could’ve probably just stepped on me to finish me, but its long tongue licking the top of his lips gave me the impression it wanted to make my death something special.
“Take that, vile beast!” Olaf said as his dagger connected with some part of the lizardman’s meaty back.
The lizardman’s descending axe didn’t even change course as Olaf’s blow landed, but it was the thought that counted. Although I was going to die, it was comforting that I now had friends who’d stick up for me. I closed my eyes as the axe blade reached less than a foot overhead. The sound of it connecting with my skull seemed strangely far away and more like a poke than a crushing blow. I didn’t want to see my mangled corpse before I went back to my spawn point, so I held my eyes firmly shut.
“Drink a potion!” Decrona said. “Please tell me Alizia didn’t drink all of them.”
“Hey,” Alizia said, “I do not steal from groupmates; I ask politely, and then beg and cry until they give me them, but I never steal. Besides, yesterday that cute boy I met at the bar gave me like thirty of them, so I don’t need any.”
Olaf grunted as an axe blow connected. “My Flanking Attack/Vital Strike combo barely drew its aggro. A 33 crit tends to do that.”
A pebble connected with the Rare’s scaly hide. “Well done, good Olaf,” Decrona said, “but I think you did a bit too good at getting his attention. Alizia, aim for something vital to try to get him off.”
“What do you think we’re doing, genius?” Alizia asked. “I’m beginning to think this cool signpost wasn’t the best choice. It’s too awkward to poke with, and since he’s wearing a helmet, I can’t bonk him on the squishy parts of his head.”
“Goodness . . . you have no imagination. While he’s obviously not a human male, he should have the same weaknesses one does. Do you not see his skirt?”
Alizia’s club sounded like it hit a brick wall. “Jeez, only 12 damage, and I got a perfect shot in too. I’m guessing he wasn’t very popular with the lady lizards.”
The axe bit into flesh, followed by a grunt from Olaf. “One, maybe two more of those is all I can take. I’m at 40% now.”
“I could stub his toe instead,” Alizia said. “Is that a vital area, Deccy?”
“Unfortunately, no. Aim where Olaf did.”
The lizardman yelped and countered with a hard whack of its axe. Alizia screamed.
“It was the tiny penis joke, wasn't it?” Alizia murmured. “A 36! I’m under 30% already. Deccy, you’re up.”
The sound of three blade scrapes against a scaly hide followed. The lizardman yelped again.
“Goodness,” Decrona said. “I got a crit, but it wasn’t enough. Alizia just focus on dodging. Everyone try your best to pull it off. Don’t worry about taking turns. Where is Horus?”
I wasn’t sure if I could talk to her while dead, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt trying. Except I forgot about trying to keep my eyes closed. “I’m d—”
Before I finished the word, I realized I wasn’t dead at all. At first, I thought Olaf must had gotten the hulking monster’s attention before it finished me off, but then I checked my notifications. Survivalist had triggered, and I’d even gained a point in it. While I had been dropped to 0 HPs, my natural Regen had taken me back to 1 HP and consciousness. A quick downing of a lesser healing potion took me back to 16/51 HPs.
My first swing was wild with exuberance, hitting the lizardman’s unusually thin legs in the back of the knee. Vital Strike and Flanking Attack messages floated up with the white 26! It growled as it lurched slightly to the side. After it recovered its balance, it awkwardly turned to me. As I jumped over a low sweep of its axe, I accidentally caught Alizia’s HP bar in the top corner of my vision. She was down to 3% but quickly shot back up to 35% as an empty bottle crashed to the ground.
“Hmm,” Decrona said. “My contacts didn’t tell me about that weakness. Everyone, aim for the back of its knees!”
I almost dodged the next swipe of its axe, but the creature still managed to catch me across my midsection for 4. I nervously waited for its next strike to come. At 43%, a good crit could’ve killed me. However, before the lizardman could even reach its axe back for another swing, three blows landed against its right knee in rapid succession. Its large upper body toppled to the side as the knee gave way. The huge axe skidded away, and the lizard tried desperately to crawl toward it, only advancing about six inches before my group mercilessly hacked it into a bloody pulp, crits flying up and nearly covering my vision in white. When we hit ground instead of lizard, Decrona called us to halt.
You have gained 1,100 (1,000 +100 Group Bonus) Experience Points!
Welcome to Level 4! 1,056/15,000 to next level.
You have received 1 skill choice on leveling!
You have received 2 stat points on leveling!
You have gained 17 Hit Points on leveling! 68/68 HP Total.
You have gained 4 Magic Points on leveling! 16/16 MP Total.
You have gained 8 Action Points on leveling! 32/32 AP Total.
You have received -10 Faction with The Lizard King. Total: -1,115 The Lizard King (Hated).
“Remind me to stay away from rares unless we’re all at full HPs and have backup, preferably a tank battalion or a katana-wielding half vampire,” Alizia said between gulps of a potion.
Decrona rolled her eyes. “Does anyone have Bleeding or any other damage-over-time effects?” She looked above each of our heads in turn. “Ahh, good.”
As I checked myself for any DoTs (damage over time) like Bleeding, I noticed the leveling message. I grinned and put both my new points into Dexterity like Decrona had suggested.
“Can I loot this vile monster?” Olaf knelt beside what remained of the
lizardman captain’s corpse and looked up expectantly.
Alizia lowered her half-full potion. “You don’t have to wait for Commander Spreadsheet’s permission, just loot it already.”
“Commander?” Olaf smirked. “You have been promoted, Decrona.”
Decrona sighed dramatically. “I have enough on my plate without you joining in on her silliness, Olaf. Loot it.”
Olaf has looted The Lizardman Captain.
You have received 3 silver as your share of the loot (out of 15 silver).
As group leader, Decrona has been granted the loot: a Lizard’s Tail, Raw Lizard Steak, Lizard-Scale Chest Piece, and Tiny Garnet.
Alizia’s potion fell from her hand. Her jaw dropped and little red beads of drool rolled down her chin. “I want it!”
Olaf gave her a wry grin. “I thought green did not match any of your outfits. Also, I am out for the chest piece. I upgraded my first one, and I know others need it more.”
“I’ll buy new outfits to match it and new makeup. I might even put green dye in my healing potions.”
“I’m in on this as well,” Decrona said.
I shook my head. I’d already won something and didn’t want to seem greedy. I did inspect the item out of curiosity, however.
Item: Lizard-Scale Chest Piece
Slot: Chest
Rarity: Rare
AC: 5
Stat Bonus: +2 STA
Weight: 22 Pebbles
Description: Made from real lizard people! . . . No, that can’t be right. The scales are too big . . . Ahh, that explains it. Made by real lizard people in imitation of their natural scales. These chest pieces are both stylish and incredibly durable, the perfect combination for the newb on the go.
Decrona stared off into the distance and bit her lip. “Let’s see: If we factor in the cost of that dragon-sized healing potion I gave Alizia—”