by M Helbig
Alizia crossed her arms and pouted. “No fair! That was a gift and gifts shouldn’t count, unless I give them, then they should count double—not that I ever give any. Say, can I have another one of those dragon-sized potions?”
Decrona’s eyes were crossed so deeply in concentration that I doubt she even heard Alizia. “Of the two of us, I did win the last item. But then again, you won two before that. And we also had to pay your bail when you drank the sprite village’s entire water supply.”
“It’s not my fault. They mix berries in with their water,” Alizia murmured. “Anyone would’ve mistaken it for a healing potion.”
“Yes, well, that ruined yet another day of hunting. We barely got any experience. And when I factor that into my calculation . . . Congratulations, me.” Decrona held up the green armor for all to see. When we were done admiring it, she placed it over her midsection and it attached itself to her chest with a sucking sound and melded over her upper body, wrapping all the way around the back to fit perfectly. With that complete, she held out her arms to give it a slow once-over and smiled for the first time since I’d met her.
I waited for Alizia’s argument, but when it didn’t come, my head shot toward her in surprise. What wasn’t surprising was that she’d run in the direction of a small, hunched lizardman who had just wandered out of the cave at the edge of the village. It looked like an easy target—the kind even I could take—with a frail body and complete lack of anything resembling a weapon, unless you were allergic to feathers (which it had in abundance on its tall blue headdress). Alizia obviously thought the same, as she hadn’t even summoned her weapon, choosing instead to subdue it with the empty potion bottles she had in each hand.
Decrona and Olaf were still focused on the chest piece, so I was probably the only one who noticed the steadily brightening glow coming from the frail lizard’s hands.
Spelunking 4 the L00tz
Decrona knelt and began carving a chart into the dirt. “Now, assuming that Olaf manages a consistent rate of loot and Alizia continues to consume her portion of the split in potions at a similarly consistent rate—”
“Fascinating,” Olaf said more to his fingernails than to Decrona.
“Guys,” I said.
“Ah, yes,” Decrona said. “Good point. And she doesn’t receive another windfall of free potions from the guys she meets at the bar.”
“Fascinating,” Olaf said again.
“Guys!” I said. “Alizia left almost a minute ago, and she’s charging straight at a caster.”
Olaf nearly dropped his dagger as he sprinted off. I immediately followed.
Alizia’s first potion bottle arched down, but a second before impact it shattered onto some invisible barrier. The shrapnel produced a floating red 3 from the giantess’ hand. The lizard looked up and grinned. More white energy flowed from its hands, dissipating in a semi-circle roughly six inches away.
Alizia braced herself for a counterattack, but when none came, she shrugged and wound up for a swing with her other arm against what Inspect identified as a Lizardman Vice-Shaman. Before she could unload, Olaf elbowed her out of the way and began his own assault. He placed his dagger strike perfectly between the creature’s eyes. It would’ve been sure to draw the monster’s attention on him if the blow had not struck the same barrier. Alizia joined back in—this time with her club—with shots toward the back of its head. None of their blows penetrated the barrier.
The rest of us soon joined in a relentless five-minute assault on the barrier. Beyond a gain in my Swords skill and finally getting the answer to what a lizard’s laugh sounds like, our efforts produced no results. The good news was that maintaining the barrier seemed to prevent it from attacking. While the rest of the party continued, I paused to check that no other lizards were nearby.
“Horus,” Decrona said. “While I know it’s disheartening to see no results after so much effort, please rejoin our assault. I think the barrier’s finally weakening.”
“Sorry. Was just making sure nothing new was coming.” My next blow rebounded off the barrier and bounced to the side. “There’s a trio of lizardmen a few tent clusters away, and they might be coming this way.”
Decrona nearly dropped her dagger as she spun around. “Not good. Everyone, redouble your efforts. We might only have a couple more minutes, then we’ll have to make a run for it.”
Affirmative response came from the rest of the group, as well as a nod from the shaman. More energy flowed out of his small claws and each of our blows rebounded like they’d struck rubber. After Olaf’s dagger nearly deflected into my kidney, I realized there was no way we’d break it before the pack got to us. The other lizardmen were only two minutes away.
“So, what does a Lizardman Vice-Shaman want in life?” I asked. “Could we interest you in some shiny coins, or maybe strike a truce?”
Decrona groaned. “Horus, you can’t reason with mobs. I know they look sort of like people, but I can assure you their only interest is killing us. They can’t even speak.”
“Yeah,” Alizia said. “I mean, he can’t be too smart if he’s wearing that blue headdress with that orange loin cloth. Nothing with any brains would match those colors.”
“Says the girl with red splotches of some sort of sticky liquid dribbling all over her green skin and yellow armor,” the Vice-Shaman said with perfect diction. “Fashion. Disaster.”
“I’ll show you a disaster!” Alizia unloaded with all her might. The club bounced off the barrier, shot up in the air and landed on top of her head for 4 and a Stunned status.
The shaman snickered. “Now as to your question, I don’t need any currency, but I am looking for a Tiny Garnet. I’d be willing to trade that for something you might need. Also, I’d pay a bundle for a blonde wig, on the condition that you don’t ask what I need it for.”
Alizia stood up and swayed like she was drunk. “I do have a blonde wig, but because you were so mean, I’m not going to give it to you.”
Decrona put her hand out to steady Alizia. “I think he wants the wig for a quest.”
“I don’t care. No wig for you!” Stunned wore off and Alizia picked up her club.
“Well, fortunately, I’m the one with the Tiny Garnet, and I might be willing to trade it. What do you have to offer?” Decrona held out the small gem.
The shaman scampered forward and began hopping up and down in front of the gem. “Ssssteve’s room is full of treasures. It’s at the bottom of that festively decorated cave behind me. I’ll take you there in exchange for the gem.”
“Ooooh, room full of treasure,” Alizia said. “That’s my second-favorite thing. Give it to him!”
“Yes. That does not at all sound like a trap,” Olaf said. “I know when someone says, ‘Go to that dark area over there, and I swear you’ll get a big surprise at the end’ that it always ends well. I believe someone said that to Napoleon before he invaded Russia.”
“Good enough for me. Let’s go!” Alizia tried to snatch the garnet out of Decrona’s hand, but she was too quick.
“Your offer is intriguing,” Decrona said, “but what we came here for is a lost engagement ring. We’d be willing to trade the garnet for the ring. Have you seen it?”
The Vice-Shaman nodded enthusiastically. “Yup. Ring with a sappy phrase engraved in it. Ssssteve took it from some Youngling a few days ago. He loves to show it off. Says it’s a sign from the true god, Shhhamusss, but I know better. I’ll take you to him if you give me the garnet.”
“In addition to Steve’s treasure?” Decrona asked.
“It’s Ssssteve—don’t be ignorant—and no, it’s a different Ssssteve. This one is only halfway down the cave.”
“Oh well, then,” Alizia said. “Halfway should be plenty safe. Let’s go.” She walked toward the cave.
Olaf grabbed her and pulled her back. “I have seen huge trains of mobs come out of there. I doubt we will survive more than a minute.”
The Vice-Shaman continued to hop up and dow
n to reach the garnet. “I’d be willing to furnish disguises. What do you say? I’ll lead you down to Ssssteve with foolproof disguises in exchange for the garnet.”
“If we make it there safely and this Sssteve does have the ring, we’ll give you your gem—but only after we see Sssteve and the ring. Agreed?” Decrona placed the garnet back in her inventory.
“Agreed, but it’s Ssssteve. No need to be a jerk about the name, warmblood.” The shaman pulled four headdresses out of his bag and dropped them on the ground in front of him. “There ya go, foolproof costumes.”
Quest: It’s Not Your Preciousssssss, but It Is Shiny and a Ring
Description: The fallen paladin, Velfantine, has lost her engagement ring somewhere on the plateau. After promising the Lizardman Vice-Shaman the Tiny Garnet, he has agreed to lead you to the current owner, Ssssteve. He even gave you foolproof disguises to get by his kinsman. Wow, how convenient! If only all quests were this straightforward . . .
Completion Objective: Find Velfantine’s ring and return it to her.
Reward: Battered Shield, 8,000 EXP, 1 gold, 5 silver
I held up the blue feathered headdress and shook my head. “There’s no way this is going to fool anyone.”
Alizia shrugged and put it on. “Ehh, at least it matches my shoes.”
“Like you know how to match anything,” the Vice-Shaman said low enough for only me to hear.
I stared at the headdress and then at my group. Everyone else had already put theirs on, and it didn’t change their appearance in the slightest. I thought about tossing mine at the shaman, but he’d raised the barrier again. I was about to toss it at him anyway when Decrona frantically pointed behind me.
“The patrol is almost here,” Decrona said. “We need to get going.”
The shaman shook his head. “Not until he puts the headdress on.”
“Ridiculous.” I turned to look at the patrol; they were barely out of aggro range and getting closer.
The shaman rolled his eyes at me, and Decrona tapped her foot in frustration. I sighed as I put it on just as the patrol sped up and ran toward us. Everyone in the party readied their weapons, and Alizia moved to intercept them. All three members of the patrol abruptly stopped and went down to one knee.
The lead lizard stared at the ground as he spoke. “Our apologies for disturbing you, O reverent shamans of the great and powerful Shhhamusss, but would you happen to know what became of everyone in the village? We didn’t see a single soul on our path here.”
The Vice-Shaman stepped forward. “There was another explosive potion scare and everyone went below to the shelter.”
All three patrol members let out a deep sigh. “Thank Shhhamusss,” the lead one said. “We were afraid those terrible demons known as ‘adventurers’ were loose again. Why do they keep murdering us? It’s not like the paltry few copper we have can possibly be worth the effort.”
“Shhhamusss only knows,” the Vice-Shaman said. “Perhaps you should go back on patrol to be sure none of them are lurking about.”
The patrol members rose, saluted him, and headed back toward the village. A minute later, the Vice-Shaman turned and headed to the cave. Alizia bumped her head on the decorative bones hanging over its entrance as she and the rest of the group entered. I waited until the patrol was out of view before hurrying to catch up.
We soon passed by a few more lizard people, all of whom knelt and bowed without giving us the slightest bit of trouble. The cave’s musty smell was mitigated slightly by the burning of incense from low braziers sitting at regular intervals through the twisty complex. I waited until we reached a straightaway and no other lizard people were in sight before asking the obvious question. “How can these headdresses possibly pass us off as lizardmen? Except for Olaf, we’re at least a foot taller than them and none of us have scales.”
The Vice-Shaman’s jaw dropped. “They obviously don’t, but unlike some people, we’re not racists. Any being, no matter their race, who becomes a shaman of Shhhamusss and wears the blue headdress deserves deference and reverence amongst my people. None of us would ever think of harming one of the Divine One’s chosen representatives.”
He led us to the right at a fork in the passage. Two more lizard people bowed as we hastily passed them. I decided not to say anymore for fear that I’d further insult him, and in case he decided that it’d be better to turn us over to his people and take the gem from our corpses.
Olaf twisted the ends of his long mustache. “So, what is this Ssssteve person like? Do you think he will just give the ring to us, since we are revered shaman of Shhhamusss?”
The Vice-Shaman didn’t even turn around to answer. “No, Ssssteve is the High-Shaman and my rival. He adores that ring and the only way he’d give that up is if you kill him. Why else do you think I let your obvious murder of a quarter of the village slide? It’ll be worth losing so many of my kin if that poisonous blasphemer is eliminated.”
Decrona nodded sagely. “And I don’t suppose you’re going to let us walk back out of here after we take care of Ssssteve?”
The Vice-Shaman turned around slowly as we halted outside a large, elaborately decorated door. “Yes, in a manner of speaking.”
Alizia rubbed her head after she caught it on yet another low-hanging stalactite. “Good enough for me. The sooner we get outside the better.”
“Not so fast, Alizia,” Decrona said. “I don’t like this ‘in a manner of speaking’ business, Mr. Vice-Shaman. As such, I won’t give you the Tiny Garnet until after we’re safely on the outskirts of your village.” Decrona waved the garnet tantalizingly just out of the reach of the Vice-Shaman and then placed it near her bag where it disappeared with a puff.
His eyes widened as the gem vanished, and he nearly tripped as he reached out to steady himself on the door. He hissed something incomprehensible, before giving a begrudging nod and slowly pulling the door back to give us all a view of the room that held his rival. “If you’re lucky, Ssssteve will be sleeping, but if not, you’ll have quite the fight.”
Decrona tapped her foot. “You wouldn’t happen to have any tips to defeat him, would you?”
“He has a barrier like me.” The Vice-Shaman looked Decrona in the eyes and smirked. “What? You won’t give me my gem until later, I’m not gonna give you much help.”
“Your rival won’t get removed and you won’t get your precious gem unless we win. So, help. Now!”
The Vice-Shaman stared at the door in the hopes it contained an answer to his dilemma. When he was certain one would never come, he bit his lip and then spoke. “Fine, he’s partially undead. Been blasphemously dabbling in necromancy and sacrificing parts of his body to undeath for more power. That’s why I can’t take him alone.”
“Take him alone . . . so then you plan on helping?” Decrona summoned a brittle looking but lightly glowing dagger and handed it to Olaf.
“If you get Ssssteve below 25% health, I may join in, but I can’t risk getting involved unless I’m sure you can defeat him.” The Vice-Shaman pointed through the crack in the door. A lizard in a multi-colored headdress roughly my height with white splotches spread around his body danced in the center of the room around two idols: one a muscular lizard person and the other a human skeleton with glowing red eyes and a top hat.
“Olaf, the undead are weak against silver,” Decrona whispered. “It looks like the white parts of his body have succumbed to undeath, so aim for those. Alizia, do your best to keep him off Olaf so he can take advantage of Vital Strike as much as possible. Any questions?”
I raised my hand. “We should probably try that rotation thing like we did outside. I’m going to try to draw him off Alizia when she gets low and then you should do the same for me.”
“Excellent idea. I was about to say that myself.”
Alizia tossed an empty potion vial against the side of the cave. The Vice-Shaman winced as the loud crash echoed down the cave, though fortunately Ssssteve was too absorbed in his ritual to notice. Al
izia wiped most of the red liquid from her chin and shrugged. “One question, Deccy, and then we can get on with killing Stevie over there. Where do babies come from?”
“The Stork!” Olaf said.
“Eggs,” the Vice-Shaman said.
“When a mommy one and a daddy zero love each other very much, they get together in a nice, quiet place in the code, and nine months later, a new digital baby is born,” I said.
“I do not think they necessarily have to love each other for that to happen,” Olaf said. “Also, what if the mommy is a zero and the daddy is a one?”
Alizia put her hand on his shoulder. “An interesting question, Olaf. Some philosophers posit that’s where mobs come from. However, I believe that’s how the thing that’s constantly up Decrona’s butt was created.”
“Ha-ha,” Decrona said. “Now that you’ve had your ceremonial pre-fight insult of me, can we go kill this thing?”
“Sure thing, smelly.” Alizia opened the door and charged in.
“Feel the bludgeon of justice and modestly priced alchemical supplies, you skelameleon!” Alizia caught Ssssteve in mid-hop just above his right hip for 13!
Ssssteve spun around and raised his hands above his head as Alizia caught him in the collar bone for 6. The rest of us spread out around him. Decrona and I landed our own hits for 4 and 3, and Olaf’s silver dagger scored a Vital Strike into its white shoulder of 20! The High-Shaman was already down to 80%, and we hadn’t suffered a single point of damage.
Ssssteve, the Lizardman High Shaman
Level: 5
Resits:
Type: Sub-Boss
Light: -50
Race: Lizardman/Undead
Dark: 50
Faction: The Lizard King
Earth: 20
HP: 120/120
Water: 20
MP: 50/50
Fire: 20
AP: 0
Wind: 20