Team Newb

by M Helbig

You have received -2 Faction with the Plains Kobolds! Total: -1,008 Plains Kobolds (Hated).

  “Last Kobie, you’re stupid and I Shout at you!”

  Another angry hop, failed dash across the slippery pool, and kobold corpse.

  You have gained 330 (300 +30 Group Bonus) Experience Points! 2,306/25,000 to next level.

  You have received -2 Faction with the Plains Kobolds! Total: -1,010 Plains Kobolds (Hated).

  Olaf has looted Kobie Kobold III.

  You have received 2 silver and 3 copper as your share of the loot (out of 9 silver and 4 copper).

  As group leader, Decrona has been granted the loot: String.

  Olaf has looted Kobie Kobold III.

  You have received 2 silver and 4 copper as your share of the loot (out of 9 silver and 1 copper).

  As group leader, Decrona has been granted the loot: Toy Weapon.

  Olaf has looted Kobie Kobold III.

  You have received 1 silver and as your share of the loot (out of 3 silver and 9 copper).

  Either kobolds reached maturity at a very early age and reproduced like rabbits, or the entire pack of them happened to use the same name, as the process was repeated several more times with a higher increment of “Kobie” presented to us in succession. None of the kobolds could figure out how to get to us. To their credit, each did try something different, but they either failed in trying to cross, got picked off by a lucky shot from my bow, or ran into Decrona’s sparkly spells.

  Alizia gave up on adding any flair and was only saying “Shout” to get their attention. She barely put any force behind her blow to finish off Kobie XII. Afterwards, I checked my notifications and had advanced three points in both Inspect and Bows.

  You have gained 330 (300 +30 Group Bonus) Experience Points! 5,276/25,000 to next level.

  You have received -2 Faction with the Plains Kobolds! Total: -1,028 Plains Kobolds (Hated).

  Decrona has looted Kobie Kobold XII.

  You have received 2 silver and 3 copper as your share of the loot (out of 9 silver and 4 copper).

  As group leader, Decrona has been granted the loot: Rotten Meat and a Pebble.

  Kobie the XIII came forth and bowed.

  Alizia yawned. “Why don’t we make this interesting?”

  Decrona began casting a spell. “I don’t know what you mean, but I should probably start weeping now. No!”

  “Come on, Deccy,” Alizia whined. “Just let me borrow your sling for a second. You’re not even using it. I promise to give it back in mostly the same condition, and I won’t tell a single joke about your hair for a whole week.”

  Decrona’s spell fizzled as she reflexively reached to put her hand through her long, straight hair. “You’ve never made a joke about my hair before; it’s perfect. As a matter of fact, it’s probably the only thing about me you haven’t insulted.”

  Alizia shrugged. “And I’ll continue that tradition if you let me have your sling.”

  “No!”

  Alizia stomped her feet. “Fine! I’ll just have to go with option number two.” Alizia’s shield disappeared in a puff of smoke and was replaced by an empty vial. “Ta-da.”

  Olaf stared at the vial skeptically. “Did you drink all your healing potions? Or did you have another type of potion in mind and summoned an empty instead?”

  Alizia held the empty vial aloft like it was a championship trophy. “Nope. This’s the one, but you’re on the right track. I don’t need to do damage; I only need it to do this.” She flung the vial hard toward the pack of kobolds a hundred feet away.

  The vial sailed completely over them by at least twenty-five feet, landing with a crash. Our group, as well as the pack of kobolds, was so bewildered that no one reacted when she summoned a second empty vial. This time the vial crashed to the right of the pack, barely clipping one of them on the side. It didn’t do any damage, but it did make them angry.

  The pack charged forward, drawing their finger-sized weapons as they moved. If anyone had arrived at that moment and seen the three-foot wide red blur approaching us, they’d have thought we were about to be overwhelmed by some sort of red mist and not an angry pack of diminutive monsters.

  Alizia clapped. “My job here is done.”

  Decrona wept into her own hands. “You idiot. Now we have aggro on all of them.”

  “Which should make this faster. No more waiting for them to do that stupid bowing thing.”

  Decrona pointed to the receding Sun (or whatever they called their equivalent of the Sun). “Before, we could jump to the far side of this pool and make a break for the bushes where the kobolds wouldn’t follow us. You know, in case it got late and we needed to go back to town to sleep? That is, unless you thought to learn the Camping skill and brought a tent, so we can sleep out here. Do you know the Camping skill?”

  Alizia shook her head. “Nope. But with them all in a big pack like that circling us, you should have an easy time spraying your magic sparkly thingy and taking out bunches of ’em.”

  “That stopped working four Kobies ago.” Decrona cast her spell across the pool and the pack changed their course to go around it.

  “Well, then I’ll just have to Shout faster then.” She summoned her shield and turned to the pack. “I Shout at you Kobie the XIII!”

  Five kills later, the blur of the pack didn’t seem to be any smaller. She shouted at the sixth one, and it dutifully charged across the pool. However, this one took a few steps to the right first, focusing on a path that several of his predecessors had chosen, taking most of the slick potion with them. He made the journey perfectly well until the last step. He stumbled slightly, and Alizia lowered her shield to the ground right in front of him. Kobie XIX crashed into it, and Olaf stabbed him in the back for 53! as he tried to rise.

  You have gained 330 (300 +30 Group Bonus) Experience Points! 6,926/25,000 to next level.

  You have received -2 Faction with the Plains Kobolds! Total: -1,038 Plains Kobolds (Hated).

  Olaf has looted Kobie Kobold XIX.

  You have received 2 silver as your share of the loot (out of 8 silver).

  As group leader, Decrona has been granted the loot: a Pebble and Toy Weapon.

  Decrona barked a manic laugh. “And now what do we do? Make jokes about their hair?”

  Alizia looked at the pack as one of them stopped and stared at the path Kobie XIX had taken. The kobold’s fanged grin produced the only response we were likely to get from our tank. “Eeep!”

  Leaping into action, I did what should’ve been obvious and summoned a potion. It was only as it left my hand that I noticed it was almost completely empty. My heart sank when it crashed to the ground. The tiny drop of liquid inside wouldn’t be nearly enough to cover up the cleared path that the fallen kobolds had made, and my worst fear was confirmed when the kobold easily made it halfway. As he reached my shattered vial, he suddenly stopped, and then hopped back. A white 5 floated up soon after. I wasn’t sure why, until another empty vial crashed in the space behind him, covering the path with shards of glass. The kobold hopped forward as Olaf tossed another, taking 6 a second later. Forced to slow to human speed to avoid the shards, Alizia and Decrona were easily able to finish him off before he almost reached the other side.

  You have unlocked the Throwing Weapons skill!

  You have gained 330 (300 +30 Group Bonus) Experience Points! 7,256/25,000 to next level.

  You have received -2 Faction with the Plains Kobolds! Total: -1,040 Plains Kobolds (Hated).

  Alizia summoned an empty vial. “Jeez. What do they make these out of? Old swords?”

  Decrona smirked. “Normal household glass, more than likely. It’s only that with the kobold’s low defense and small size, the shards harm them quite a bit more than us.” She pointed at the fallen kobold. “To put it another way, compare that large shard in front of him with his head right behind it.”

  Alizia peered through her fingers to measure them out. “It’s slightly bigger than his head.”

  “R
ight. Now imagine a shard of glass as big as your head.”

  Alizia jumped in surprise. “Wowie. I’m surprised it doesn’t one-shot them.”

  Another kobold, identified as Kobie Kobold LXI, stopped in front of the path but hopped back after he took a 3 from a shard the size of my thumb. My arrow sailed over his head before he sprinted off to rejoin the red swirl of his sprinting kinsman.

  “Darn,” Alizia said. “Oh well, back to the old-fashioned way. Hey Kobie XXI, I Shout at you. You’re red and stuff.”

  After he fell, Alizia was about to open her mouth for another Shout, but I motioned her to stop. “I’ve got an idea. Everyone, pull out your empties.”

  Decrona glanced at the kobold and then stared at the vials. “Ahh, you want us to cover up the other paths that are starting to show up.”

  “No, I want to aim at the pack.”

  I lobbed one into the circle of sprinting kobolds and was rewarded with an abundance of 1s, 2s, 3s, and 4s. The rest of the group joined in to similar results, finishing off a couple of kobolds in the process. Unfortunately, on the next pass the kobolds extended a wider path to avoid the new shards. We tossed the next round farther and took out three more, but once again they extended their circle. The pack’s pace got to the point I was afraid the wind they were generating would blow the shards away, so I called our throwing to a halt.

  Alizia summoned another twenty empty vials, to our disbelief. “Don’t look at me that way. I did not drink all of these. I picked up Alchemy and haven’t had time to try it out yet.” She grumbled as she distributed them to the group.

  “Thanks,” I said. “This time, I want everyone to aim a few feet over the pack. Then we’ll go back to aiming toward their center.”

  “I was just about to suggest that,” Decrona said as her first vial sailed over the pack. One of the kobolds stopped and made a dirty gesture at her.

  Alizia tossed three vials in the opposite direction from Decrona to cover that side. “I was about to suggest we toss you instead.”

  Decrona spun around and was about to crack her vial over Alizia’s head, when Olaf turned her ninety degrees. She scowled in Alizia's direction but eventually threw her vial hard against the ground over the kobolds, cursing under her breath the whole time. When I finished covering my direction, I performed a complete circuit of the field and threw out three more to be sure no space was clear.

  Satisfied, I nodded to the group, and they began throwing another batch, this time into the pack. The screams of the kobolds began on my second toss and grew louder from there. Our last tosses were mostly a waste, as by that point every kobold was on the ground screaming. A few of them survived by falling onto the bodies of others, but with nowhere to run, they were easy targets for us as we trudged through the bloody field.

  I was afraid the notifications that popped up might crash the system. Evidently, we’d all leveled somewhere in there and hadn’t noticed. As the wealth of repetitive information threatened to overwhelm me, I wished badly they had a summary for situations like this, and the notification abruptly stopped, shrinking into only a few simple messages.

  You have gained a total of 22,110 Experience Points (20,100 +2,010 Group Bonus) and a new Level!

  Welcome to Level 6! 4,366/40,000 to next level.

  You have received 1 skill choice on leveling!

  You have received 2 stat points on leveling!

  You have gained 19 Hit Points on leveling! 114/114 HP Total.

  You have gained 13 Magic Points on leveling! 78/78 MP Total.

  You have gained 8 Action Points on leveling! 48/48 AP Total.

  You have received -134 Faction with the Plains Kobolds! Total: -1,174 Plains Kobolds (Hated).

  Your group has looted various corpses.

  You have received 14 gold, 3 silver, 7 copper as your share of the loot (out of 53 gold, 15, silver, 35 copper).

  As group leader, Decrona has been granted the loot: Kobold Knapsack (x 27), String (x 6), Kobold Running Shoes, Rotten Meat (x 13), a Pebble (x 47), Toy Weapon (x 11), a Slice of Questionable Pie (x 8), and Glass Eye.

  Alizia demanded that Decrona not sell the Glass Eye, so she could “always keep an eye on her,” and Olaf asked for the Rotten Meat as he’d taken up cooking. It was the Kobold Running Shoes that really caught everyone’s eye.

  Item: Kobold Running Shoes

  Restrictions: Sprint Skill Required

  Slot: Feet

  Rarity: Rare

  AC: 3

  Stat Bonus: +2 DEX +2 AGI

  Special Abilities: +10 Non-Mounted Movement Speed

  Weight: 1 Pebble

  Description: Run like the wind! Or at least like a bigger, heavier kobold with no coordination, low stamina, and a gut that’s going to go away when you start going back to the gym in the next week or two . . . at least you’re going faster than you were before you put these babies on.

  Every single one of us jumped up and down as we read the description. When our excited chatter died down enough for us to actually understand each other, all but Decrona announced they were in on the roll for the shoes.

  “Now, now,” Decrona said. “We need to think of the good of the group for these.”

  Alizia put her arm on Decrona’s shoulder. “It’s good to see we agree on something, Deccy. It sure would help the group a lot if I could run faster, since I do most of our pulling.”

  Decrona pushed her arm off. “Mostly against the group’s consent. If anything, you need something to slow you down. No, I believe the best use of these would be for Olaf, so he can scout things out quicker with his Sneak skill.”

  I nodded in agreement. “Sounds good to me. I’m out.”

  Alizia didn’t say a word for several minutes as she stared into the distance. She abruptly spun around with a gigantic grin on her face. “Fine. Give ’em to him.”

  Decrona appraised Alizia’s face skeptically before handing the shoes over to Olaf, who immediately put the garish red shoes on and ran around the group in circles. The shoes didn’t give him the kobold’s superhuman running ability, but he was noticeably faster. Olaf was so enamored with his new toy that he didn’t even notice the cloud of dust in the distance.

  Lord Horus of the Kobolds

  A red cloud rapidly approached us. Unlike the one from the pack, this one was much taller. My best guess was that it was either another pack of kobolds standing on each other’s shoulders or some sort of giant kobold. Fortunately, the suspense was short lived, and someone arrived a few seconds after we finished tiptoeing back to the center of potion pool.

  Both my guesses as well as Alizia’s—that he was a kobold/hippopotamus hybrid that she called a “kobapotamus”—were immediately proven incorrect when our probable opponent stopped his charge inches away from the shards. Besides his similar red outfit, he was about as far away from a kobold as I could’ve imagined. Where the kobolds had knobby, scarlet skin to almost blend in with their red clothes, his skin was a smooth, alabaster white. And instead of the flowing cloth caps of the kobolds, his head bore a crown. His pointed ears betrayed his elven heritage and proved beyond any doubt that he was not a round-eared kobold.

  Decrona smiled earnestly at her fellow high elf. “Greetings, noble sir. Do you happen to know of any quests about in the area? We are adventurers who like to solve problems.”

  The crowned elf showed no emotion as Decrona spoke. “Why, I do so happen to have one. Find the people who killed my subjects. Oh, wait. You’ve already completed it. Your friend is wearing their shoes.” He pointed at Olaf before drawing his scepter. “The reward is death!”

  I used Inspect on him as his feet crinkled through the first few shards of glass. Just like our similarly sized group, the shards did little to slow his progress besides a few points of negligible damage.

  King Kobalathil Kobold I

  Level: 5

  Resits:

  Type: Rare

  Light: 25

  Race: High Elf

  Dark: 25

 
Faction: Plains Kobolds

  Earth: 25

  HP: 297/300

  Water: 25

  MP: 500/500

  Fire: 25

  AP: 200/200

  Wind: 25

  AC: 17

  Special Attributes: ???

  Weaknesses: ???

  Alizia somehow managed to pull up her club right before he barreled into her, but despite it being leveled right at him, she somehow missed. She, however, took 6 damage as she crashed into the shard-covered dirt on the other side of the group. The impact of the collision barely slowed him down as he darted left, sweeping his scepter into my legs to knock me to the ground. The king then darted right just as quickly to crack Decrona in the chest. His impossibly fast motion made it difficult for my brain to process all the information. The damage numbers seemed to be out of sync with the hits landing.

  When the king paused to land a flurry of blows, Olaf managed to get behind him—but the king moved a millisecond before my friend could slash his neck. Olaf instead caught Decrona in the shoulder, taking her down to 78%. The king didn’t even need to push Olaf to knock him the rest of the way into Decrona. The wind of his super-fast running did all the work for him. Olaf and Decrona tumbled to the ground in a heap of tangled limbs.

  Kobalathil laughed heartily as he made his rounds to punish us in order again. With my eyes plastered into the ground, I couldn’t see my friends directly, yet I could see their status bars slowly go down. We were fortunate that though he was fast, he didn’t do a whole lot on any individual blows. I guessed that my groupmates were taking most of their damage from the ground as they were knocked down again and again as they tried to rise—a hypothesis that was soon proven correct when I took my first points of damage after my initial fall, tried to crawl up, and was knocked back down.