Team Newb

by M Helbig

“Because clearly a hidden door isn’t suspicious on its own,” Decrona said.

  “It’s shiny too.” Alizia leaned in close to the door and began fixing her hair.

  Decrona rubbed her chin. “We should be careful when we enter it.”

  “Thanks, you tactical mastermind, you,” Alizia said. “What else you got for us? Don’t let the sharp things hit you? If you take damage, try to get a heal? Don’t run with scissors?”

  Decrona quickly swung the door open and jumped back. When nothing jumped out, she turned to me. I checked Tracking again, but it was still full of ??? and squirrels. I shook my head. She then looked to Olaf, who vanished and headed through the doorway. Thirty seconds later, a deep emotionless voice echoed from the room. “You’re tracking in mud, sir. The master haaaates mud.”

  We could hear Olaf’s boots before we could see him, giving us plenty of time to move out of the way as he sprinted through the doorway. A split second after he passed her, Alizia moved in front of the doorway and lowered her stance with her shield held high to intercept Olaf’s pursuer. A massive pair of legs in dark, perfectly pressed suit pants rushed into view in the room behind him but halted on the other side of the doorway. A mophead as tall as me splashed down a few seconds later but thankfully remained within the confines of the room.

  Olaf had continued his run into the corridor, only stopping when he met the wall behind us. Alizia and I picked him up off the ground, while Decrona tossed in a heal. I had to slap him a few times before he started speaking again.

  “Giant butler! Giant butler!”

  I slapped him again.

  “Sorry.” Olaf made the signal asking for a minute, and after his breathing came close to normal, he spoke again. “I almost had a heart attack when he suddenly appeared in the middle of the room and started sweeping, but then I remembered I was invisible, so I went back to scouting out the room. There’s a lot of furniture on the outskirts and it’s huge. Just when I thought I saw a key on a chain hanging from the far wall, the butler yelled out something and charged me. I ran as fast as I could and . . . Where is he? Did you kill him already?”

  Alizia pointed at the doorway. Olaf’s eyes widened for a few seconds before he realized that the legs weren’t moving forward. The mophead swished back and forth on the floor and then stopped when it got stuck trying to get through the threshold. It disappeared a few seconds later and was soon replaced with a yellow “Wet Floor” sign. The legs moved away shortly after that.

  A thought occurred to me, and I looked at the ground. It wasn’t the easiest thing to see in the dim lighting, but I could barely make out what I was expecting to find against the dark grey stone of the floor.

  “I don’t think he actually saw you. I think he just followed your footprints.”

  Olaf bit his lip as he also stared at the ground. “You are probably right, but I am not going back in there alone. I had a traumatic incident as a child with a large cleaning-product mascot.”

  Alizia put her arm around his shoulders to comfort him. “Totally understand, Olaf. I had a similar incident with a cartoon moose. Every time I see plastic antlers, I have to lock myself in the bathroom.” She turned to Decrona. “What’s the scoop, girl o’knowledge?”

  “The closest thing I have in my notes is a giant butterfly, but I doubt the tips about watching its flight pattern will be of much help here. The general tips about bosses and sub-bosses should still apply, however. They always have a tell before they change tactics or use a special attack. Since this is the first one in a starter dungeon, it should be easy to figure out.”

  Alizia saluted. “Got it. And if the fight turns into a murder mystery, I know who did it.”

  “Just Shout at it, and the rest of us will figure it out.” Decrona signaled to Alizia, and she moved into the room. The rest of us followed thirty seconds later.

  The twenty-foot-tall butler’s face crinkled to show further disdain as he surveyed us. As we’d all made sure to wipe the mud off our shoes before we came in, he didn’t attack us or even summon his mop. He waited like a statue as Alizia led the charge.

  When she got within ten feet, she let out a Shout, immediately drawing his contempt-filled gaze to her. His deep, emotionless voice echoed across the room. “You have visitors, siiiir.”

  Right before her club met his shin, he raised his leg out of her reach with unbelievable speed and then brought it back down in a ground-shaking crash. The rest of the group fell and gained a five-second stun, but Alizia had the wherewithal to pop her new Wall skill to make her immune.

  The butler kicked her in response, but her shield blunted much of the damage. He landed two more kicks and a downward smash to take her down to 64%. She responded with a few smacks of her own, but with all her focus on defense, she only landed one of them—which did so little damage his HP bar still appeared full.

  I hadn’t spent my Stunned time completely idle. My third attempt at Inspect succeeded and further rewarded me with a skill up.

  Chattington

  Level: 5

  Resits:

  Type: Sub-Boss

  Light: ???

  Race: Mountain Giant

  Dark: ???

  Faction: Undead Homeowners’ Association

  Earth: ???

  HP: 494/500

  Water: ???

  MP: 0

  Fire: ???

  AP: 1,000/1,000

  Wind: ???

  AC: 30

  Special Attributes: Butling, Mopping, Sweeping, Muuuurder

  Weaknesses: ???

  As Stun wore off, Decrona tossed a string of heals that brought Alizia above 90% while Olaf and I circled behind the massive giant. I aimed for the back of his neck, but soon abandoned that as my arrows only found his tall collar. Olaf tried the back of the butler’s knees at first but switched to his ankles when he realized they were barely out of his four-foot reach. Alizia did her best to dodge what blows she could and intercept those she couldn’t with her shield. The butler did steady damage, but it didn’t seem to be anything Alizia couldn’t handle with Decrona’s heals. With Olaf and me finally in our rhythm, we brought Chattington down to 86% in only a couple of minutes.

  “So, weekend plans?” Alizia asked. “No one answered me earlier.”

  I aimed under the butler’s arm, not getting the Vital Strike I was hoping for, but the arrow did stick in his suit coat, which I thought looked kind of neat. “Do people really only adventure on a five-day work week in here?”

  Decrona flung another heal. “Not normal people. Alizia being the exception to all things normal.”

  Alizia effortlessly deflected a polished Oxford with her shield. “I am always exceptional, Deccy. Thank you for noticing. In case anyone was interested, I plan on going to the beach. I bought the cutest little bikini. Deccy was supposed to join me, but she didn’t like any of the suits they had.”

  Decrona rolled her eyes. “They all had terrible stats and no Intelligence.”

  “On the opposite end,” Olaf said as he landed a crit to the butler’s ankle, “I almost bought a frilly bow as a headpiece the other day because it had high Dexterity, but I just could not bring myself to wear it. How good would the stats have to be for the rest of you to wear something ugly or embarrassing?”

  “That depends on how good that stats are versus how embarrassing it is.” My arrow landed in the exact same spot as the previous arrow, dislodging it from the butler’s elbow.

  “Very true,” Decrona said. “For 20 INT, I’d wear a sequined leisure suit with ‘Alizia is smarter than me’ emblazoned in neon green, but for 10 INT, I’d only stoop to a beanie with a propeller. I have a formula for exactly this purpose if you’re interested.”

  “What do I get for 5 INT?” Alizia asked. “How about a fanny pack with a motto to be decided later?”

  The butler’s voice boomed off the high ceiling. “Time to sweep up!”

  “Something like that, Mr. Butler, but more specific to Deccy’s deficiencies, like—”

>   Bristles as tall as Alizia smacked into her, knocking her across the room. I was so busy sprinting away as he came for me next that I didn’t get a chance to see where she landed, but the sound of her shield clanging off a hard surface followed by an even louder crash clued me into how she’d fared.

  I unsummoned my bow and covered my head with my arms a split second before Sprint faded as my Action Points ran out. The broom tossed me feet first into the wall. I didn't even have time to scream as I landed. The world went black, making it easy to see the 70!

  As I regained my senses, I saw Olaf stagger to his feet a few feet away, and across the room the bright light of Decrona’s heal spell shorted out as she, too, was flung across the room. Wobbling to her feet between us, Alizia frantically shouted at the butler, but he ignored her and headed straight for the glassy eyed, aimlessly shambling Decrona again.

  I’d been so proud of my group before, performing our new class roles almost perfectly. We had Chattington down to 80% so easily, but if the butler hit Decrona one more time, that would be the end of her. Ironically, what she needed most was a healer, and she was the only one who could—Regrowth!

  I tried to toss heals at her, but the green energy fizzled out almost immediately on each attempt. In my frantic state, I hadn’t noticed the “Out of Range” message until my third failure. I cursed at not noticing it and cursed again at my own stupidity for forgetting I had spells too.

  The butler was now only a few feet away from her, and Decrona responded in the only way she could by stumbling forward and falling back to the ground. I tried one last heal—knowing that I was still too far away—before those deadly bristles reached back for what’d be Decrona’s final breath in the room. Miraculously, the butler spun around at the last second and sprinted toward Alizia. Whether by design or because she couldn’t help insulting someone she barely knew, she’d added something about the butler’s master being shabbily dressed with her last Shout. The proud butler immediately put his broom away to target the one who dared questions his master’s—and by extension his—honor.

  A wall icon floated above her head, and she braced herself as gloved fists and shiny shoes connected with her shield and occasionally her armor in a torrent of rage. Decrona’s vision finally returned and she was back in the fight, tossing a quick heal to keep her annoying savior upright. However, as the butler’s rage-fueled damage mounted, it looked like it’d be a while until she’d have the time to heal the rest of us; we were all below 20%, so I quickly went to work, tossing a Regrowth on myself to make the pain and nausea of the damage go away, and then moved on to Olaf and Decrona.

  The butler’s rage finally ebbed, and he resumed his more mundane stomping and punching, and not a minute too soon. The near wipe had drained Decrona’s mana to 25%, forcing her to hastily drink one of her expensive mana potions. The butler was down to 80% HP, and then 73% a couple minutes later, and then 61% a few minutes after that.

  “He’s twitching,” I said. “I think he’s about to start sweeping again. Let’s try running out of his range this time.”

  Olaf unsummoned his dagger. “Through the door, like I did before.”

  Olaf and then Decrona crashed into me as we landed on the other side of the doorway in a pile. I winced when the giant bristles closed on Alizia and winced even harder when her giant, flailing body made it through and collapsed on top of us. The broom caught in the doorway—a few bristles making it through to tickle my nose—before disappearing.

  “Get off us, you giant lout,” Decrona shouted into my lower back.

  “Giant lout!” Alizia said. “I’ve never been so insulted. Or at least I won’t have been when I figure out what a ‘lout’ is. Just for that, I’m going to sit here for a while and let you think harder about insulting beautiful women with low self-esteem.”

  “Your new hairstyle is really pretty,” I mumbled as Decrona’s elbow landed in my ear.

  The pressure on top of me lessened substantially as Alizia’s size fifteen bedazzled boots landed upright on the stone floor. Olaf’s red kobold shoes appeared next to them a second later, and finally a pair of red-painted nails landed on my shoulder as Alizia helped me up. I tossed a few Regrowths around while we waited.

  A few seconds later, Alizia shouted something about the room being a dirty mess, and we scrambled through the doorway back inside. Decrona tossed a few Lesser Heals to top everyone off as I made my way to the back of the butler, and I resumed aiming for whatever vital spots I could find. You’d think finding spots to aim at on a twenty-foot-tall person would be easy, but I couldn’t see a single gap between his long suitcoat, suit pants, or white gloves. Shots toward his head or neck only bounced off his thick, slicked hair or tall collar. I finally gave up and just targeted anywhere. Olaf didn’t seem to be having any more luck than me, as most of his time was spent running to whichever foot happened to be on the ground—his Vital Strike through the butler’s socks earlier having been his only success.

  Despite that, Chattington’s HPs steadily went down. As he got closer and closer to 40%, I began to edge toward the doorway. Decrona seemed to have the same idea. When he hit 41%, the two of us were already next to the door, with Alizia and Olaf on the way. I even had time to toss a Regrowth on Alizia when the broom came out.

  Alizia shouted something about dirt on his shoes, the group scrambled back in, and we resumed our roles. I almost went on autopilot as the butler’s HPs still steadily dropped. We repeated the process flawlessly when he hit 20% and ran back in to finish him off.

  “Olaf, you never told us what you planned to do this weekend,” Alizia said as she yawned while deflecting a gloved hand and a giant shoe in rapid succession.

  As the butler raised his right foot for another kick, Olaf rushed toward the other one. “Try to find my son. Same thing I do every day.”

  “Booooring . . . but I’ll try to help. Horus?”

  “Find Nyytro.” I aimed my next shot to form the left eye in the smiley face I was making with stuck arrows in the back of the butler’s coat.

  “You guys are no fun. What we need to do, as a team building exercise is—”

  “Dinner is served!” The butler summoned a tray in a puff of smoke. “Do try not to make a mess this time, siiiir.”

  “No,” Alizia said, “we have dinner together every night. Something more—”

  The butler pulled back the cover to the tray to reveal a healing potion that was big enough to drown Alizia (though I had no doubt that she’d have died trying anyway).

  “Crap!” Olaf said. “I think he is going to drink it. We must stop him.”

  “Stun him,” I said. “Who has a stun ability?”

  “Aliza use your Shield Slam,” Decrona cried.

  “I don’t get that until next level.”

  Decrona cursed. “Why would they give a simple sub-boss what looks to be a complete heal that can only be countered with a stun in a dungeon that is supposed to be done with a level-five group? The previous sub-boss’s only quirk was that you had to stop attacking whenever her skin glowed. This makes no sense.”

  As everything Decrona said sank in, I realized that there had to be another way. When the butler’s gloved hand gripped the potion, I noticed my arrow and what it was pointing at. Glass plus arrow equals the most refreshing bath Alizia’s ever had. A wicked grin crossed my face and I pulled back as hard as my bow string would allow.

  My aim was a little off target—I’d been aiming for the center—but it still performed its basic mission as it connected with the far edge of the vial. A small hole appeared in its side, spilling a steady stream of liquid on the floor. I fired again. Tiny cracks began to form, quickly spreading up the vial until the entire thing shattered, spilling potion everywhere. To my chagrin and hers, the liquid did not land on Alizia. The potion landed in a massive puddle between Decrona and her as the butler let out a very undignified scream.

  My heart stopped as he summoned his mop, but it landed next to the puddle. He focused exclusiv
ely on the mess, giving our group an easy time. Olaf nimbly rolled between the massive butler’s legs as he crashed backward like a felled tree. Alizia wasn’t as lucky, as she was more focused on commenting on the speck of dirt on his left shoe and took 60 from a flailing arm.

  You have gained 1 skill point in Flanking Attack! 6/25

  You have gained 2 skill points in Improved Dexterity! 3/25

  You have gained 8,800 (8,000 +800 Group Bonus) Experience Points! 34,086/40,000 to next level.

  You have received -100 Faction with the Undead Homeowners’ Association! Total: -1,100 Undead Homeowner’s Association (Hated).

  Alizia groaned under a huge arm as a cufflink flattened her hair. “Someone loot this bastard, so I can stand up.”

  Decrona has looted Chattington.

  You have received 3 gold and 4 silver as your share of the loot (out of 17 gold).

  As group leader, Decrona has been granted the loot: Formal Gloves of Butling.

  Item: Formal Gloves of Butling

  Restrictions: Level 6 Required

  Slot: Hands

  Rarity: Rare

  AC: 8

  Stat Bonus: +6 DEX +5 AGI +2 STA

  Special Abilities: Dirt Repellent

  Weight: 3 Pebbles

  Description: They make carving meat easier . . . I’ve just been informed I’m thinking of The Formal Gloves of Butchering. I’m not really sure what they’re for then, but look at the stats!

  “Who wants these?” Decrona asked.

  I raised my hand. Olaf looked like he was about to do the same but held back when he saw me.

  “I don’t,” Alizia said. “Also, why is this corpse still on me?”

  Decrona turned away from her. “I left a piece of junk loot on him to keep you from doing anything stupid until we’re ready to leave.”

  “Hey! I’ll have you know that I can do things just as stupid without being able to move.”