Team Newb

by M Helbig

  “I don’t know what you don’t know and neither do you. Now stop interrupting. This commentary is for the kids at home. You’re completely ruining the illusion that I’m not here. Bah! I’ll have to edit this out. If you keep this up, I’m not inviting you to the after party.”

  “Sorry.”

  Clewd cleared his throat. “But little do they know that this Count has a few tricks up his antiquated, but still surprisingly stylish, sleeves. Observe . . .”

  Though I figured Clewd probably didn’t know what he was talking about, I decided the risk was too great if I was wrong, so I upped my pace and tried harder to aim for even more vital areas like his eyes and heart. Unfortunately, the pressure and the new, more-difficult-to-hit targets cost me more damage than they increased. I missed twice but did manage to land one through his shirt for a 62!

  Olaf’s manic scream of “11%, keep it up” probably wasn’t some sort of trigger, but it did coincide with Bruce’s form suddenly blurring. Both my shots and Olaf’s three stabs all passed through Bruce and resulted in no damage. When the blurring stopped, the excessively caped, human-like Bruce was no longer there; in his place was a small, very un-caped bat. I think I was more disappointed that the bat wasn’t in a tiny tuxedo than that Bruce had once again changed right before we finished him off.

  The small, big-eared bat fluttered his way to the high ceiling, zigzagging in an unpredictable pattern, avoiding every shot I took. Right before he disappeared into the darkness, I checked his health bar. I breathed a sigh of relief that his transformation hadn’t healed him again.

  “I should’ve seen this coming when I saw Shape Change as one of his Special Attributes.” I fired another arrow blindly into the rafters and was rewarded with a clang and the word Miss.

  “Noooo!” Clewd said. “The action was going too perfectly for too long. After those last, two terrible scenes, I should’ve foreseen this. It was only a matter of time before you mucked this up. This is the worst group of reality actors I’ve ever streamed. Would one of you please come up with a way to get that vampire bat down here?” He pointed at Alizia. “You, tell another joke; he seemed to enjoy those.”

  Alizia looked down at her shattered club and began crying. Her cheeks already looked puffy, leading me to believe that she’d been doing that throughout Olaf and I fighting with vampire Bruce.

  Clewd pointed a telescope at the heavily shadowed ceiling. “I’m not familiar with that style of humor, and I don’t think the Count is either. Someone else, please? Lucas?”

  Olaf glanced around. “Who’s Lucas?”

  I sighed. “That’s my real name. Still not sure how he knows it. And that wasn’t a vampire bat—the ears were too long.” I grabbed the telescope from Clewd and looked up. The only things I could see through it were a bunch of colorful, symmetrical shapes. I gave up and handed what I now knew was a kaleidoscope back to Clewd. “Well, he’s got to come down eventually—doesn’t he? He is undead, but don’t vampires still have to eat?”

  Olaf nodded, though not very confidently. “In most of the movies, they do, but if Pyrite got the type of bat wrong, then there is no telling what other liberties they could have taken. For all we know, he only needs to feed on a full moon or when there is a juicy brain around.”

  Clewd threw up his hands in disgust. “Do I have to do everything for you morons? The ceiling is made of wood. Someone shoot fire up there and be quick about it! You know, before my last viewer abandons me for those stupid ‘Ambush: Elf Crotch Shots’ videos.” Clewd summoned a burning torch from his backpack, handed it to Olaf, and then pointed at my arrow.

  Olaf and I looked back and forth between the two objects in confusion (as my arrow had a normal, metal tip and was not covered in cloth like any of the flaming arrows I’d seen in movies) before Clewd took a stomping step forward and pushed the two objects together. Miraculously, my arrowhead immediately caught fire.

  I shook off my disbelief and fired into the dark area above. After my third arrow found the wooden ceiling, the area started to illuminate. “Why is there a normal ceiling up there when the level below is all upside down?”

  I could barely see the bat now, hiding behind one of the rafters. He stuck his tongue out at me and responded in a normal, human voice. “I hired some nice orc contractors to build an extension—this time, right side up. They did such good work that I only ate half of them.”

  Two arrows later, the ceiling was illuminated enough for me to make out Bruce completely. My earlier statement about him being naked was mistaken, as I could make out a tiny red bowtie wrapped around his neck. It was so adorable that I momentarily forgot he’d (temporarily) murdered my friend and stopped firing arrows.

  Small licks of flame began popping out from the fire above. The bat stuck his oddly humanlike tongue out at me, and almost like it was a trigger, one of the larger licks landed on his fur. He lit up and burned at an improbable and completely unrealistic rate. I wasn’t sure if that was due to “magic” or was just laziness from Pyrite. Regardless of the reason, it helped us—and help had been in short supply. I said a silent prayer of thanks to God, as well as whatever fictitious gods existed in the game.

  The bat screamed as he barreled down, trying to get as far away from the fire and put out his flaming side. His speed made it impossible for me to hit him while he descended, but I didn’t mind, as I knew he’d have to eventually stop and would then be an easy target. Unfortunately, he knew that too and stopped right in front of the only place I couldn’t risk firing at. Olaf lowered his blade and looked to me for guidance as Bruce’s leathery wings flapped tauntingly in front of Alizia’s still-dazed face.

  Trying to figure out a way to hit him without risking doing damage to our friend, we were completely unprepared when Bruce latched onto Alizia’s neck. Alizia didn’t even react, but Olaf and I screamed more than enough to make up for her—doubly so when the cuts and burns on Bruce began to miraculously heal. As I unsummoned my bow to switch to my situationally more useful sword, I glanced at his health bar. He was at 15%, then 21% a few seconds later.

  Afraid his blows would pierce completely through Bruce to Alizia, Olaf tried to use his knife to pry him off instead. Even after I joined in, it was as fruitless as trying to split a tree with a butter knife; Bruce was basically a new, unwanted appendage.

  We quickly gave up and tried poking him. While we did manage to do single-digit damage, his health was still ticking up. Olaf frantically picked up a sliver of wood from Alizia’s club and jammed it in Bruce’s neck. The sliver proved to be no more useful than it had been before and shattered.

  I looked around for something else and my eyes caught my fingers. Of course! Spells! I began to cast Heat, but a second before it finished, Olaf slapped my hands to interrupt it.

  “You will set Alizia on fire as well, friend,” Olaf said. “And she does not have the Hit Points to spare; she has only 20% left.”

  I stared at my hands like they’d betrayed me before the last part of his statement hit me, and I began casting again. “Regrowth.”

  As the greenish glow of my spell spread out to cover Alizia’s body, Clewd waved toward us, still cranking his imaginary camera. “Could you stop that and do something more entertaining? How about making some balloon animals? Standup comedy? What is the deal with airline food anyway?”

  “What’s an airline?” I asked while continuing to cast another Regrowth.

  “They were companies that had those flying machines from about a hundred years ago,” Olaf said as he looked around at the mostly barren room, “though I have no idea what ‘airline food’ is. Maybe people resorted to eating them during the Desolation?”

  Clewd pressed a button on a tiny device which produced the sound of a rim shot. “Fantastic. So, what do you gentlemen think about the opposite sex? They sure are crazy, right?”

  Alizia’s HPs were now stable—at least until I ran out of mana—but Bruce was up to 47%. Olaf shrugged and was about to stab Bruce, when the tiny bat began t
o spasm uncontrollably and shot off Alizia’s neck as if from a cannon. The bat landed hard on the floor. A second later, it started to blur like before, and the bat was replaced with the human-like Bruce—cape and immaculately pressed Victorian clothing included.

  Bruce abruptly stopped flopping and tried to rise, giving up halfway and hunching down onto his knees. Gone were the numerous gaping wounds Olaf and I had inflicted before. He tried to retch repeatedly but nothing would come out. “What . . . is . . . sheeee?”

  “So, I guess vampires are allergic to forest giant blood?” I asked Olaf beside me.

  “Not in anything I’ve read.”

  A large hand landed on my shoulder, startling me. I relaxed when I took in the bright red fingernails and green skin.

  “Nope. They’re undead,” Alizia said, “and as I learned from the fight with that shaman, they’re allergic to healing potions, a substance I just so happen to have in abundance coursing through my veins.”

  To prove her point, Alizia dumped a potion over Bruce’s head. The potion rolled off the vampire’s slicked-back hair like it was made of rubber but didn’t prevent him from rising in the slightest. Unlike the High Shaman, there was no smoke, nor did he scream in pain as the liquid touched his neck and rolled down his back. As a matter of fact, his Hit Points had stopped dropping as soon as the potion touched him. I took that as more of a coincidence than an effect, just as I took the fact that his skin had gone from slightly green back to its normal corpse white.

  I was about to summon my bow when it finally clicked. Green! As Bruce opened his mouth to reveal his fangs, I cast another Regrowth, this time on him, and he toppled back to the floor, convulsing and scratching his body seemingly at random. I cast another Regrowth, then one more. I checked his health bar and saw that he was back down to 26% and dropping.

  “Should I do something?” Olaf asked me.

  “Yes!” Clewd said. “He’s flopping around like a cartoon. Anything to distract from his terrible acting, but whatever you do, don’t block my shot.”

  “By the way, you’re not even pretending you have a camera right now,” I said after another Regrowth.

  Clewd gasped and immediately went back to winding his fictional, old-timey camera.

  Bruce stopped moving a second after my last spell landed, and it was a good thing because I only had enough mana for one more cast. Alizia kicked Bruce for good measure. He twitched one more time and then stopped moving.

  You have gained 1 skill point in Bows! 6/25

  You have gained 1 skill point in Nature Magic! 4/25

  You have completed the quest: I’m Not New, and I Completed the Quest to Prove It.

  You have gained 10,000 Experience Points!

  You have received the loot: Beginner’s Key.

  Decrona has received the loot: Beginner’s Key.

  Alizia has received the loot: Beginner’s Key.

  Olaf has received the loot: Beginner’s Key.

  You have gained a total of 8,250 (7,500 +750 Group Bonus) Experience Points!

  Welcome to Level 7! 17,836/75,000 to next level.

  You have received 2 stat points on leveling!

  You have gained 19 Hit Points on leveling! 133/133 HP Total.

  You have gained 13 Magic Points on leveling! 91/91 MP Total.

  You have gained 8 Action Points on leveling! 56/56 AP Total.

  You have received 5 gold.

  You have received -150 Faction with the Undead Homeowner’s Association! Total: -1,350 Undead Homeowner’s Association (Hated).

  I jumped up and down when I saw the leveling message. Heck, I’d been so absorbed with all the other stuff going on that I hadn’t even remembered to spend my stat points from the last level either. While I had wanted to know if you could save up spare stat points like you could skill points, I had not wanted to learn by testing it. In some other games, if you didn’t spend them, you lost them. Fortunately, this wasn’t one of those games.

  As Dav predicted, having a group full of people who were new to their classes meant you still ended up taking a lot of hits. Much as I wanted to maximize my character for my new role of dealing damage, hitting faster and harder wouldn’t mean a whole lot if I were dead. I tossed half of my points in Stamina and the other half in Agility (both to get my movement speed back up and so enemies would miss more). I could always move them back out when I hit level twenty-five; or if I got more money, pay to do it earlier. Once Alizia got the hang of tanking, I’d focus almost exclusively on DEX.

  Horus

  Level: 7

  HP: 161/161

  Class: Woodsman

  MP: 91/91

  Race: Human

  AP: 56/56

  Experience: 17,836/75,000

  AC: 38

  STR: 6 (8)

  Resists

  AGI: 10 (16)

  Light: 0

  DEX: 38 (49)

  Dark: 5

  STA: 21 (23)

  Earth: 0

  END: 8

  Water: 0

  CHA: 1

  Fire: 5

  INT: 11 (13)

  Wind: 0

  WIS: 11 (13)

  HP Regen: 7 per minute (10.15 per minute out of combat)

  Carrying Capacity: 49/160

  MP Regen: 7 per minute

  AP Regen: 7 per minute

  Skills:1-Handed Swords 8/25, Bows 7/25, Flanking Attack 12/25, Improved Dexterity 4/25, Inspect 17/25, Nature Magic 4/25, Regen 9/25, Sprint 2/25, Tracking 4/25, Survivalist 2/25

  I was pretty happy with how my stats were set but decided to ask the rest of the group’s opinion later just to be sure. I was sure Decrona would have several suggestions, though it’d probably be better to wait until after she was rezzed.

  Alizia took a bow. “You’re welcome.”

  “I believe we owe Horus the congratulation,” Olaf said.

  “Nope. All me. You see, with being a part-time bard comes expert acting ability. When my club shattered, I realized immediately that I’d need to try a new tactic, so I went through my knowledge of the undead, gained through my intense and extensive study of their kind.”

  Olaf rolled his eyes. “Uh-huh.”

  “It was then that I remembered our encounter with the undead shaman and how he responded to healing potions. Having unnatural foresight, I cleverly consumed several potions before this fight in preparation of using the tactic I call ‘The Human Potion’. All I had to do was pretend to be out of it—which you two thwarted temporarily, by going all out trying to protect me—and wait for him to bite me.”

  “If it was the potions, then why did he take no damage when you poured one on him?”

  Alizia scratched her forehead. “It was a dud?”

  “While she did freeze initially,” Decrona said in group chat, “I told her to stay that way and let him bite her.”

  Alizia crossed her arms and shook her head. “Didn’t even see her messages. Totally my idea.”

  “But you're dead, Decrona,” I said. “How can you see us?”

  “I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it back safely, so I left the resurrection notification unanswered, leaving me here as a ghost so I could watch and offer tactical guidance. Unfortunately, it would appear that vampires are not affected by potions like other undead. I wonder why?”

  I used Inspect on Bruce again. “Because he’s listed as ‘Not-Quite-Dead Human’ and not ‘Undead’ maybe?”

  “That must be it.”

  “Whatever,” Alizia said. “Let’s loot this bad boy and move on. I wanna show off my sweet cape in that player city tonight, so we’d better hustle.” She quickly knelt.

  “Wait!” all of us, including Clewd, said in unison.

  My near-heart attack stopped when the familiar loot messages appeared.

  Alizia has looted Count von Bruce.

  You have received 10 gold, 4 silver as your share of the loot ç

  As group leader, Decrona has been granted the loot: Vampire Dust (x 3) and Cape von Bruce.

&nb
sp; Alizia screeched like a teenage girl meeting a heartthrob. “Since I had to play blood pump, I think I should get that cape.”

  “No,” Decrona said, “it should go into paying me back for the money I lost from dying.”

  A wicked grin spread across Alizia’s face as she stared at Decrona’s corpse and then glanced at Clewd miming recording us on a camera. “Has anyone seen the classic movie Weekend at Bernie’s? The hijinks I could get into with Deccy’s corpse. The uncompromising positions we could stream—and unlike some people, I do know how to stream. Say, Deccy, are you familiar with the ‘Messy Waffle?’”

  “You wouldn’t!”

  I whispered to Olaf. “What’s a ‘Messy Waffle?’”

  Olaf grimaced. “You take some maple syrup and pour it into a hollowed-out gourd that you place in a mannequin’s hand and . . . You do not want to know, friend.”

  “I’ll pay the group half of what the cape’s worth and I’ll send you the stream, if you guys let me have it,” Alizia said as she made lewd gestures with Decrona’s corpse. “Here’s a little preview.”

  A notification appeared on my screen inviting me to watch Alizia’s stream.

  “Put that down,” Decrona screamed as Alizia made the other Decrona do the “Bunny Hop.” “Oh, God. Not that. Anything but that . . . Fine. I’ll give you the cape if you leave that alone and escort me back from the entrance. You also have to promise that you’ll never touch any of my corpses unless I give you special permission.”

  “And ours too,” I said. “That goes for the entire group.”

  Alizia set Decrona’s corpse on the ground. After she finished tugging and bending Decrona’s face until she looked like a pig with severe anxiety issues, Alizia jumped up and nodded. “All right, but only as long as you’re in the group. If you ditch us . . . well, let’s just say I have advertisers all lined up and am fielding offers from no fewer than four major studios.”