Chapter Sixteen
She’s Out of my Life (Michael Jackson)
August 2009
“Adders? Adders where are you?” Lily called when she arrived to find Adam’s door unlocked. There was no reply. She made her way through the dishevelled lounge into the kitchen at the back of the house. Dirty dishes covered every surface. An unpleasant odour assaulted her nostrils. “Fucking hell, it stinks in here, Adders. Where are you?”
She still got no response. Walking back through the lounge she made her way up the stairs. The unpleasant smell seemed to follow her wherever she dared to tread. I’ll need to have my effing clothes fumigated at this rate. She dodged discarded shoes, socks, and other items on the stairs and made her way to Adam’s bedroom. On opening the door, her nose encountered the pungent smell of unwashed male. Delightful. Adam was lying face down on his bed, curtains drawn.
She plonked down beside him, switched on the bedside lamp, and poked him in the back. “Adders, for fuck’s sake, come on man, get up.”
He sniffed and rolled over. His eyes were puffy and his face unshaven. “Thanks for your sympathy. Now fuck off.” He covered his eyes with his arm where a fresh batch of tears sprang forth.
“Because you’re my best friend and because your wife is dead, I’m going to let you off for that. Now get up and get a shower. You stink. We’re going to go for a walk and then we’re coming back here to clean up this shit hole.”
Adam groaned. “Why do you have to be so harsh, Lil? Why do you say because your wife is dead so matter-of-factly?”
“Because, Adam, I’m sorry but it is a matter of fact. And you sitting here aiming for the most unwashed and hairy man of the year prize isn’t going to change that. People are too nervous to be straight with you. Your mum sent me round to knock some sense into you. She feels too scared to kick you up the arse in case you jump off a cliff.” She rocked his body back and forth. “I, on the other hand, know that you are too much of a chicken to do such a thing, seeing as you’re scared of heights, and so I’m here to tell you to get the fuck out of bed, get washed, and get on with your life!” She raised her voice at him but immediately felt guilty. She pulled his arm away from his face. “It has been almost six weeks since the funeral. School has been back in session for two weeks now. I know you’re grieving, believe me I do. I still keep crying about it all. But there comes a point when you have just got to start to try and get on with life again.”
He sniffed and pointed at her. “You said there was no time limit on grief. When did that change, Lil?”
He was right. She remembered saying those very words. He sniffed again and rolled away from her. She manoeuvred around the piles of dirty clothes and sat at the other side so that he was facing her again, her voice softened. “I’m sorry for being so harsh. I don’t want to upset you more, Adders. I love you, and it’s hurting me seeing you hurting.”
“Well fuck off and don’t watch then. I didn’t ask you to come here with your shit attempts at helping.”
She sighed. “No…but look around you. Is this how Eve would want you to be?”
“Don’t you fucking do that.” He almost barked the words.
“Don’t do what?”
“Don’t do the whole oooh-Eve-would-want-this-and-Eve-would-want-that shit. It’s a low blow.”
She pulled in her lips to stop a harsh retort from firing out. Instead she rubbed his arm. “Come on…think about it…would she want to see you like this?”
He sat bolt upright and glared at her, his bloodshot eyes boring into her so intensely she recoiled. In his unshaven and unkempt state he looked quite menacing. “It’s a moot fucking point isn’t it? Because as you so clearly and so lovingly put it SHE IS DEAD!” He punched the mattress as his voice boomed around the bedroom, rattling off the walls along with the raw emotion emanating seemingly from his very being. He placed his head in his hands as growling, angry sobs wracked his body. She encircled him in her arms and bit her lip to stave off her own threatening tears. She rubbed his back as his almost palpable pain poured out.
Once his sobs had subsided he pulled away. “I’m so sorry…I’m so very sorry. I shouldn’t take it out on you.” His desolate expression made her heart ache. She wanted to take his pain away. Seeing the man she loved like this was ripping her heart to pieces.
She brushed his greasy hair off his forehead and smiled. “I’ll let you off. You are a grieving widower after all. I think you’ve got a good excuse.” Her voice was soft and just above a whisper.
His lips curled slightly and he shook his head. “You’re right, Lil. This place stinks.” He glanced around the room as if realising this for the first time. “And God, it’s such a mess.”
“Right. Go get a shower. I’ll make a wee start on downstairs. When you’re done we’re going for a walk down to the park. We’ll pick up sandwiches from Berengers, and we’ll have ourselves a wee picnic. Deal?”
Adam nodded and sniffed. “Deal.”
Lily made her way back downstairs and began to collect the empty beer cans and pizza boxes scattered around the lounge and kitchen. She found some refuse sacks under the sink and disposed of the abundance of rubbish. Buying her own house two years before Eve’s death, as an investment, had enabled her to move out of her tiny flat, and she was fairly house-proud. Adam had always been the same when Eve was alive. Clearly now, however, cleanliness was not on his list of priorities. Eve would have been furious.
Once the floor was visible again, she got out the vacuum cleaner and swept the carpet. The place was beginning to resemble a home again as opposed to the council dump. She opened the windows and locked them on the latch to let some fresh air circulate. Already the bad smell was beginning to vacate the premises, leaving something akin to freshness in its wake.
Adam walked into the lounge where Lily sat waiting. “Bloody hell, Lil. You’ve worked wonders.”
She gazed up at the Adam she knew well. Clean shaven, fresh clothes, and washed hair. He looked wonderful, apart from the red circles around his eyes. “That’s better.” She stood up to hug him. “You look like you again.”
He hugged her back. “Thanks, Lil… I think you were right about me needing a kick up the arse.”
She cringed. “Well, maybe I could have been a little more compassionate, eh?”
“Nah. You know me better than anyone. I think people have been pussy footing around me and I’ve been letting them. Look where it led. I was becoming Jedburgh’s very first home-owning tramp.” He twitched the corner of his mouth at one side.
She giggled. “Well, I did think I’d found a dead rat under your sofa but it turned out to be some former foodstuff with a thick layer of furry fungus.”
His eyes widened. “Oh God, no?”
“Oh yes. I would have screamed but then you’d have laughed at me for being a big girl.”
He shook his head. “Are you kidding? I think I’d have screamed like a big girl if I’d have found it.” It was so good to see him smile again.
The pair grabbed their coats and set out of the house for some much needed fresh air. Luckily the weather was decent and the sky was blue. The walk to the park took them straight past Berenger’s bakery. It had been a favourite of theirs for many years. Passed down from father to son, the bakery had a traditional appearance with its dark wood windows and the little bell that jingled on entry. The aroma inside made her stomach growl loudly and the few customers in the shop all turned to her. Her cheeks heated and Adam burst out laughing. It was the most wonderful sound she had heard in a long time. She felt good that it was her that had brought it out of him…well, her grumbling belly anyway.
They headed for a bench by the duck pond in the small park. He took several deep breaths as if to cleanse the stale air that had been filling his lungs for the past six weeks. A family of mum, dad, and two toddlers were there feeding the ducks with bread from a supermarket wrapper. Lily watched as the little girl kept letting go of the bread whilst it was behind her instead of thro
wing it forward. Her parents were giggling and trying to teach her how to throw properly. Lily smiled at the scene and wondered if she would ever find herself doing something similar.
Realising she had drifted off a little, she looked back to Adam. He was watching the same scene with tears in his eyes. Poor Adam. He and Eve had been talking about starting a family only a short while before the accident. Lily nudged him with her shoulder. “So, when are you going back to work then? The kids must be missing you like mad. I know it’s only two weeks into the term, but…well…”
He picked at the bread at the end of his baguette and nodded. “Yeah, I really should go back soon, eh? They’ve been so great at work. But I suppose…life goes on. I just… I’m just scared of going back and seeing sympathy in the kids’ eyes. It’d tear me apart. I don’t know if I could cope with that.”
“Yes you can. And it only means that they care. Those kids worship the bloody ground you walk on. They must be worried about you. And no one would be angry if you got choked up in front of them. It shows you’re human. You’re a teacher, Adders, not a robot.”
“Yes…you’re right. I miss them. I miss work. I miss…normality.”
“Well, why don’t you speak to the principal? Tell her that you want to come back next week, eh? It’s Monday now. You have a week to prepare.”
He looked confused. “That’s a point…it is Monday. So what the hell are you doing here? Why aren’t you at work?”
She rolled her eyes. “Well, I just happen to have this friend who’s lost his wife and needs to get back on his feet again, and he won’t do it unless I’m behind him giving his arse a push.”
He smiled warmly and nudged her shoulder. “Lil…you’re the best.”
Her heart did a somersault. “Aye and don’t you forget it.”
Chapter Seventeen
Against All Odds (Phil Collins)
September 2009
Adam walked out of the staffroom and took a long, deep breath. The staff had been lovely, very supportive and kind. He had found himself fighting to swallow the lump lodged in his throat on numerous occasions. But just being here, in the school building with its familiar smells and sounds seemed to ease his pain ever so slightly. His first lesson of the day was going to be the hardest. The class of fifteen-year-olds had been with him since they started at the school. They were his favourite class of all. Not that a teacher should have favourites. They were by no means the brightest kids. But they were passionate. Before he had left, they had been running through Romeo and Juliet as a play. The kids had struggled with the language at first but acting the scenes out had helped immensely.
He walked into his classroom and wiped the board of all the notes made by previous supply teachers. He rolled down the next panel and stopped dead. Scrawled in bubble writing across the board was the message Welcome back Mr. Langton, weve reely mist you.
He chuckled and shook his head. “It’s good that I’m back if that’s how they’re spelling these days,” he said aloud. Feeling unable to wipe that section of board clean of the touching sentiment, he stepped away, leaving it in full view.
The bell sounded to notify the pupils of the beginning of the school day. He waited for the kids to appear. The first to enter the classroom was probably the graffiti artist herself. Jenny Milton. Her bleached blonde hair and heavily made up face hadn’t changed.
“Mr. Langton!” She ran over and stopped short of flinging her arms around him. He inhaled sharply, panic washing over him at the thought that she might follow through. She stood in front of his desk with a big grin on her orange face. “You got our message then.” She pointed to her handiwork.
Adam breathed a sigh of relief when he realised she wasn’t going to hug him. “I did, Jenny. Thank you.” He thought about mentioning the atrocious spelling but decided against it.
More pupils filtered into the room and crowded around his desk placing envelopes down which Adam presumed were condolence cards. It was very sweet. “Are you alright, sir? We…you know…heard about Mrs. Langton. It must have been awful.”
“Yeah, we’re really sorry, sir. If we can do anything just tell us.”
“Shall I hand the books out, sir?”
“It’s good to have you back, sir. That supply teacher we had was shit!” With a loud gasp the whole class fell silent, and everyone’s focus was turned to the owner of the foul mouth.
Adam cleared his throat and stifled a laugh. “Okay, Tom. I think that’s enough now.”
The spotty teenager bit his lip and cringed. “Sorry, sir…sorry for swearing I mean… I’m not sorry for what I said though…cause it’s true!”
Jenny Milton punched him hard on the arm and glared at him. “You’ll get us all detention you spotty weasel,” she hissed. Tom chuntered under his breath that the whole class had thought it and he’d just said it.
Once everyone was seated and the books had been handed out, Adam took a deep breath. He had prepared a speech to deliver to the class, but it felt a little contrived now.
He blinked a few times to rid the tears stinging at his eyes and began. “Okay, kids, we have a lot of catching up to do. But first of all, I just want to say how great it is to be back with you all. It’s been a rotten few weeks. Losing someone you love is never easy. I loved my wife more than anything in this world, and so you’ll have to please excuse me if I get emotional at any point. I’m trying very hard not to bring what happened into the classroom, but as my best friend has informed me…I’m a teacher not a robot. But I want to get on with life now. I want you all to do well in your exams, and you were making great progress before…well…you know. So let’s get cracking, eh? Onward and upward.” Silence fell on the usually rowdy group.
Suddenly, Jenny Milton stood and began clapping. She was immediately joined by Tom. One by one all of the pupils stood and joined in the applause. Then came whistles and cheers. Adam was taken aback as the class of loud-mouthed and leery teens showed their appreciation for his words. He soaked up the positive energy coursing around the room. He was back. And it felt good.
♥♥♥
Lunchtime came around quickly and Adam heaved a long breath of exhaustion as he flopped into one of the squashy armchairs in the staff room. Resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, he closed his eyes. Someone patted his back and sat in the chair beside him. He glanced up into the eyes of Diane Silverman, head of Performing Arts. She was a good friend and had been at the funeral.
“How are you holding up, Adam?” she asked with a kind smile.
He rubbed his face. “I’m shattered. I honestly don’t remember ever being this tired after a morning of teaching.”
She nodded. “I can imagine. You’ve been through a lot. I hear you got a standing ovation during first period.” She grinned.
His eyes widened. He’d forgotten how fast news travelled around school. “Erm, yes. That was a bit of a shock.”
“They adore you, that lot, you know. I’ve lost count of how many times Jenny Milton has asked for your address so she could bring you some soup.”
He pulled his brows into a frown. “Soup?”
Diane giggled. “Yes. Apparently she’s heard that you’re supposed to bring chicken soup to someone in your situation as it will, and I quote, help to heal your soul. Bless her heart.”
The lump appeared in Adam’s throat again and he swallowed hard. “Oh…that’s…that’s so…sweet.” His voice cracked as he spoke. He couldn’t quite get over the fact this group of kids, whom most people had given up on, had shown such kindness toward him. He pushed his thumb and finger into the corners of his eyes and bit his lip as his emotions pushed toward the surface once again. He could feel his chin quivering.
Diane squeezed his shoulder. “Oh Adam, I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to upset you. Are you okay to be here? I can have a word with the principal.”
He held up his hand and shook his head. “No, no, Diane. Thanks but I’m fine. I will be fine. It’s all just a little overw
helming.”
Her hand was still on his shoulder. “Look…if you need anything…”
He covered her hand with his own. “I know.”
♥♥♥
Adam walked through his front door at four thirty. There was a strange silence to the place now. Somehow coming home from work for the first time since Eve was killed was like losing her all over again. He closed the door behind him, slid down it until he hit the floor, and leaned his head back to rest. The emptiness inside him mirrored the emptiness of the pretty little cottage he had shared with Eve. He closed his eyes as his shoulders began to shudder and the tears began to flow.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. He cleared his throat. “Who is it?” he called up toward the letterbox, his voice breaking.
“Adders, you big cry baby, it’s me,” Lily said as she reached through the slot usually reserved for bills and junk mail and ruffled his hair.
He whacked her hand, making her yelp. “Subtle as ever, eh, Lil?” He pulled himself up and opened the door. She stood with her arms wide open.
“I knew today would be shitty. Come here.” She stepped inside, kicked the door closed behind her, and enveloped him in her arms. He crouched to meet her height and pulled her into him, letting his emotions run free. Once he had calmed down, he pulled away, wiping his eyes on the back of his hands and sniffing.
He rubbed his hands over his face and huffed out through puffed cheeks. “Sorry, Lil. I just can’t seem to stop fucking crying.”
She smiled. “That’s coz you’re a big cry baby, like I said.” She prodded him.
He rolled his eyes at her callous but jovial manner and couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks for that.”
“You are so welcome. Who can mock you in your time of need if not your best friend in the world, eh?” Grabbing his arm, she pulled him through to the lounge. “Right, Adders, you have a choice. We either stay in and watch a movie while we eat crappy food all night, or we go out and get pissed. Now seeing as it’s a school night I’m thinking option one. Whaddya say?” She held her arms out, palms flat.
The Girl Before Eve Page 11