by Caitlyn Blue
“I guess.” Emma frowns. “She’s been acting weird for a couple months. Once all the arrangements were made and she stopped having decisions to make, it was as if she suddenly realized there was nothing to think about beyond the wedding. Does that make sense?”
“She’s been focused on getting engaged and getting married for a long time.” I think about all the conversations Paul and I had before he proposed. “One thing about Julie is it’s always been about the stuff. When I ended things, she was more worried that she wasn’t going to get to wear her prom dress than she was that we were breaking up. I never knew if she was dating me or if she just liked being the soccer team captain’s girlfriend.”
Emma’s looking more hopeful. “Are you saying you don’t think she wants to be married to Paul?”
“I’m saying she probably hasn’t given serious thought to the whole ‘til death do us part thing. And maybe she’s just a little jealous because we’re together?”
“We’re not together.” Emma delivers this with a frown. “Last night proved that.”
“I did not sleep with Riley.” I’m getting awfully tired of repeating this, but I’ll keep going until I’m sure Emma’s convinced.
“Maybe not.” But she continues to look shell-shocked. “Still, you took her out and she spent the night at your place. I don’t think you’re ready to limit yourself to one woman.”
Annoyance flares. “But since you think we’re just hooking up, that shouldn’t be a problem for you, right?”
“I thought I was a lot more cool about it than I am.” She stares at a family portrait on the far wall, taken at Christmas. “This morning I realized I can’t sleep with you and not care if you hook up with a bunch of other girls.”
“But I’m not interested in doing that,” I say, but she’s not listening.
“Until this morning I thought I could handle you being my wedding fling. And then today, just the thought of you with Riley made me go pretty crazy. As I’m sure you noticed.”
“I like that you went crazy.” I say, taking a step toward her. “I like that you don’t want me to see anyone else.”
She throws up her hands to keep me at bay. “I’m sure it’s great for your ego.”
“It’s not my ego talking.”
“Please stop playing head games with me.” She sucks in a shaky breath. “I’m falling in love with you.”
Her admission crashes into me, knocking me senseless. I capture her wrist and tug her forward. My move surprises her and she comes willingly at first, but as I dip my head to kiss her, she turns her face aside.
“Why are you doing this to me?” she demands. “Can’t you see how hard this is?”
“It doesn’t have to be hard. I have feelings for you, too.”
For a second her muscles go slack and I think I’ve convinced her. But then she sets her palm on my chest and exerts pressure.
“Julie’s right when she says that it won’t stay that way.” Her voice breaks. “You spent last night with Riley. How many more times am I going to show up at your place and find a naked woman there? That’s not the sort of thing I’m built to take in stride.”
“Nothing happened between us,” I repeat yet again. Can’t she understand that I’m new to this relationship stuff and doing the best that I can?
From her expression she’s not convinced. And then it hits me what’s actually going on.
“I never cheated on your sister,” I say.
Emma looks confused. “But she caught you…”
“No, I started a rumor and it got back to her. Frankly, it took longer than I thought it was going to.” Even as I explain what happened, her skepticism reflects how ridiculous it sounds. “I regret that we were down to the wire for prom when the news finally reached her, but I never cheated on her.”
“Why would you say that you did?”
“I had good reasons,” I say. “And it was better for everyone that she thought me the biggest fucking jerk of the century.”
Her mouth drops open as she gets it. “You backed off so Paul could have a shot with her?”
Should I be surprised she figured it out? Not one damn bit.
“And that’s what happened.” I need to make this perfectly clear to her. Julie was just a girl I dated in high school. We had some fun, but it was never going to last. “I never felt about your sister the way that Paul did.”
“Are you really so conceited as to think you could just break up with her and that she get over it?” Emma shakes her head at me.
“She was making plans for what was gonna happen after we graduated college,” I explain, remembering how I felt more trapped by her expectations every day. It had been a huge relief to realize Paul was in love with her. “She had everything figured out.”
“She was pretty crazy about you,” Emma says with a grimace.
“And Paul was pretty crazy about her. I didn’t know it until after she and I started dating, but he had a thing for her starting freshman year. Why he never acted on it is a mystery. Sometimes when you want something too much it’s scary to go after it. He needed a kick in the ass.”
She looks appalled. “But just because you two were done didn’t mean Paul was gonna have a shot with her.”
“I know,” I say, remembering when it first hit me how hard my dating Julie was on Paul. I wouldn’t have hurt my best friend for anything, and I didn’t want to cause Julie pain, but if things continued the way they were going, none of us were going to be happy in the end. “But once I found out how he felt, I had to do whatever I could to clear the field for him. And it worked.”
“I’ll say. Our whole family hated you.”
“Even you?”
“You broke my heart.” Her eyes are bright with accusations. “I was devastated that you weren’t the guy I thought you were. That’s stupid isn’t it? I had such a crush on you and…” She breaks off and forces a husky laugh. “I was such an idiot.”
“We were all young. There are days when I regret how I handled things.” But mostly I think about Paul and Julie’s upcoming wedding and take satisfaction in their happiness.
She shakes her head in wonder. “Does Paul know? Is that why you two are still friends?”
“I’ve never told Paul what I did. He has some pretty strong protective instincts when it comes to Julie and our relationship was strained for about a year.” I snag her gaze and will her to see how important she’s become to me. “You’re the only one I’ve told this secret to.”
“I’m honored that you trust me.”
But not honored enough that she’s ready to give me another chance. I can see that in the way she continues to evade my gaze.
“Emma…” I take her hands and give them a gentle squeeze.
“Thank you for telling me about what happened,” she says, tugging to free herself. “But it doesn’t change how I feel. It’s all too complicated. My first thought when I saw you with Riley was that you slept with her. That proves I don’t trust you. And then there’s how Julie reacted last night to us dating. I think if you and I continue like we are, it’s going to end badly.”
And this isn’t ending badly? My heart feels as if it’s being ripped from my chest.
How can this be happening? A day earlier we were so happy. How is it possible that she’s giving up so easily if she’s truly falling in love with me the way she claims?
“Tell me what I can say to change your mind,” I beg. Beg. No woman has ever brought me to my knees the way Emma does. I’d give anything to make her happy.
“I think both of us have said all there is to say.”
I growl. “Not by a long shot.”
26
Emma
I hand Zach my laptop and send him into the dining room and head to the kitchen to grab a couple cups of coffee. As soon as I step inside, my cousins go oddly quiet. Sarah, Brynn, and Gabby sit at the kitchen table, watching me with matching concerned looks.
“Everything okay?” Sarah asks.
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p; “Fine.” I’m not feeling particularly chatty at the moment. And I’m afraid if I say much more, the tightness in my throat will release and I’ll start bawling.
“So he’s sticking around?”
“We have to book the Puerto Rico trip.” I notice that my voice is short, and I clear my throat. “It’s okay. Really.” My exasperation grows. Not one of them looks like they believe me. “It’s not a big deal. I’ll come talk to you about it later.”
Gabby says, “We’ll be here.”
I roll my eyes at them even as gratitude radiates through my body, warming some of the chill from my limbs.
When I return to the dining room, Zach’s dark head is bent over my laptop. My heart gives a funny little ping. I’ve tumbled hard for the guy. His fingers fly across the keyboard and I remember how they felt drifting over my skin. Goose bumps break out on my arms. I set his mug on the table and curl up in the chair next to his.
“Are we thinking the seven a.m. flight or eleven?” he asks.
I lean over to peer at the screen, trying not to notice how great he smells. “Seven. If we fly out at eleven, we’ll lose a huge chunk of the day.”
“But how is everyone going to feel about having to get to the airport so early?”
“I think for this one time they’ll just have to deal.” Pretending I’m not devastated by the morning’s events, I smile conspiratorially.
It’s not easy to return to a companionable place, but we have three months to go until the wedding and I promised Julie I would not let my problems affect her big day. Zach and I need to be able to work together. My heart hammers as he scrutinizes my expression. This whole friends with benefits thing got complicated because of my expectations. Zach really didn’t do anything wrong. I was the one who overreacted. I started thinking of us as a couple and that wasn’t fair.
“I’m ready to start booking the tickets,” Zach says. “Everyone’s information is here.” He hands me his phone and it’s open to a note-taking app. “Can you read off the credit card numbers?”
One by one, we get the plane tickets purchased. I’m really glad everyone is on board with the plan. With a wedding party as large as this one, scheduling twelve people is a major undertaking. An hour and a half later, we are ready to move on to the sleeping arrangements. We have narrowed down our decision to three properties.
One is super expensive and on the water, with a rocky beach, no pool and it’s quite remote. The next property is actually two separate homes with a pool between them on a gorgeous stretch of beach. The downside is there are only six bedrooms and eight of the twelve beds are bunk beds. The final property is also on the higher end with eight bedrooms, but it has beach access and a pool. The downside is we’ll have to cross a street to get there. It’s also close enough to town to walk to the restaurants and shopping.
“I think I’m starting to understand how the homebuyers feel on House Hunters,” I say as we debate the merits of each property. “How are you leaning?”
“I think we should rule out the dual home property. I can’t see any of our group loving the idea of sleeping in bunk beds.”
“I agree.” Although I’m amused at the thought of the guys tucked into the bunks like little kids. “So we’re down to Villa Playa and Surf Villa.”
“I think Surf Villa is too far out and there’s no pool,” Zach says. “Plus the coastline looks really rocky. I don’t think anybody’s going to mind crossing the street to get to the beach.”
“And the proximity to restaurants and shopping is a plus.”
We look at each other, and for a second it’s as if the arguments from last night and this morning never happened. My hand twitches in my lap, eager to cup his cheeks and bring his lips to mine. Pain flares in my chest. That’s not going to happen ever again. I glance back toward the computer screen.
“Have we made a decision?” I ask, mimicking the television show’s participants.
He nods. “I do believe we have.”
Ten minutes later, we’ve reserved Villa Playa. The only detail that remains is booking the rental cars. “I can do a little research and get that taken care of,” Zach says. “We’ll probably need a couple minivans.”
“We might be better off with three vehicles in case some of us want to separate from the group.”
Zach nods. “That makes sense. No doubt Jayce and Paxton will prefer surfing or diving to shopping.”
Silence falls between us and suddenly things are awkward once more. I don’t want it to be like this, but I don’t know what to say to fix what lies between us, shattered into a million pieces.
“I guess I should get going,” he says, getting to his feet.
I do as well, wanting to prolong the moment before he leaves. “I’ll put together the itinerary and email it off to everyone. The girls and I will talk about meals.”
“Great. Let’s touch base in a couple days.”
Wanting to say more, but lost for words, I follow him to the front door. Besieged by the sense that something precious has slipped through my fingers, I lean on the open door and watch him step into the chilly April morning.
“Thanks for coming by and getting this taken care of.” I give him a weak smile. “I know how much you hate driving all the way up here.”
“I don’t mind when I get to see you.”
My knees are jelly as he gives me a wry smile. “Zach…” I long to ask him to stay, but before I summon the words, my courage runs out. What do I hope will happen? Sex without strings isn’t possible for me any longer now that I know I can’t bear to share him. “I’m sorry about overreacting earlier.”
“I’m sure if the situation were reversed I wouldn’t have been any happier to find a half-naked guy coming out of your bathroom.” With that parting remark, he shoots me a crooked grin and heads down the sidewalk.
Brooding on what he’d said and its implications, I turn from the front door and discover three pairs of eyes watching me.
“I can’t believe you just let him walk out of here like that,” Gabby says.
“What was I supposed to do? I made a complete idiot of myself this morning.”
Sarah glances out the window. “Has it occurred to you that maybe he’s ready for something more serious?”
I shake my head, but my foolish heart jumps at her words. “He isn’t ready to give up his bachelor ways and settle down with just one girl.”
“Are you sure?”
Am I? What if he wasn’t lying about his night with Riley being strictly platonic? Suppose he does have feelings for me that go beyond lust or friendship, am I about to run from the man I want to be with because I’m afraid of what might happen? I remember that instant when I realized Zach wasn’t alone. How many more times am I going to relive that moment of doubt? Even if he never cheats on me, will I always be waiting for the other shoe to drop?
“You’re better off without him,” Brynn says.
Her sister frowns in disagreement. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“She’s obviously miserable.” Brynn shrugs, unfazed by Sarah’s annoyance. “Guys are nothing but a pain in the ass.”
“Not all guys.” Gabby believes in love at first sight. Happily ever after. And especially in ‘til death do us part.
Brynn fingers the spot where her engagement ring sat until three months ago. “Most of them.”
“This wasn’t Zach’s fault,” I say. “It’s mine. I fooled myself into believing in something that wasn’t real. I thought I could handle that we were hooking up. It was all great fun. I thought I understood the repercussions, but I didn’t.”
“You mean Riley?” Sarah asks.
“The whole casual sex thing. It seemed like we were exclusive, or at least that would be the case through the wedding, but that’s not friends with benefits. It’s a relationship. Something I want.” I blow out a ragged breath. “With Zach.”
“Have you told him that?”
“I told him I was falling in love with him.” I expect my cousins t
o be surprised, but they just nod. “And I told him that Julie’s right about him ending up hurting me.”
“Did you really let your sister get into your head?” Brynn asks.
“What do you mean get into my head?”
Gabby frowns. “She’s always manipulating you.”
I look around, and each of my cousins is nodding. What have I missed?
“Julie doesn’t always manipulate me.”
This time it’s Sarah’s turn to speak up. “Yes she does.”
“Why do you think you’re her maid of honor instead of her best friend, Penny?” Gabby asks.
“Because I’m her sister.”
“No, because she knows you plan the best parties and she can bully you into doing whatever she wants.”
“How many errands have you run for her since she got engaged?” Sarah asks.
I look from one cousin to the other. “My hours are more flexible at the store.”
Gabby’s look is stern. “Who’s making three hundred party favors for the wedding?”
At the end of the night Julie wants to hand out hanging birdseed hearts, and to keep costs down, she decided to make them. Or she’s supposed to make them with my help, but every time we are going to get together to make them, something comes up.
“You know she hates doing stuff like that,” I say. “And I don’t mind.”
“You’re also taking care of all the centerpieces,” Sarah says.
“Not the centerpieces, just the vases we’re using.”
Again with an eye toward keeping costs down, I’d had the idea to use various items from the antique store as centerpieces. Depression era and carnival glass vases filled with mixed flowers. Candles in hurricane lanterns and cut crystal holders would light the tables.
At first Julie had protested the idea. She had never liked the antique store, preferring everything to be new. Mom had backed me, however, and when Dad saw the mounting expenses, he got behind the idea as well.
Gabby says, “You addressed all the wedding invitations.”