Worth the Fall

by Caitie Quinn

  “Well, I have some news about work. And about Jason.”

  Loaded silence and then, “Oh?”

  “It’s just, there’ve been some changes at work and they’re going to impact my relationship with Jason, and—”

  “Is your office moving you? Did you get another promotion? I am so proud of you.”

  “No. No, actually…” I bit my lip, hard. Trying to break this to her. All she ever wanted was for me to have a successful career in a glamorous field. When Mad Men came on the air, she all but applied to grad school for me. In retrospect, Jason was probably a power-couple accessory in her mind. “Actually, there were some things going on at the office and it opened a new door for me,”—Yeah. The exit—“and because of this new opportunity I’ve been able to head out on my own.”

  “You mean, you’re working at your own branch?”

  “No. I mean I had the chance to start my own company. I actually met with my first client yesterday,”—If Jenna really does hire me—“and I’m excited about the work we’ll be doing together.”

  “Your own business?” The way her voice went up at the end told me just how excited she was. I didn’t need to hear her clapping her hands together to know. “Oh, Kasey. This is so exciting. You’re a business owner. I can’t believe it. Wait until Pam hears this. Her daughter, Joy, just built a school in the Congo and she thinks that’s just such a big deal.”

  Um…

  “But, she’ll never own her own business while she’s running around the globe building things for other people. It’s not as if a school is saving lives.”

  I have learned when to just keep my mouth shut.

  “What does Jason think of this?” she asked.

  “Well…” If I was bending the truth, I might as well stretch it as well. “Jason and I couldn’t really agree on what we wanted. It’s not that he didn’t want me to start the business. But he definitely liked how things were and wasn’t looking for any type of big change.”

  Yeah. Not bad. Basically all true.

  “But, didn’t you move in with him this week?” The suspicion was starting to creep back into her voice. “You’re not telling me everything, are you?”

  “No.” I tried to keep the lying to a minimum. But at the same time, I knew anything I said about Jason was just going to feed the Men As Disrupters of Happiness fire. “So, Jason…the thing is, when I told him I had big news, I kind of expected him to be happy. I mean, I know it was going to be a huge adjustment, but couples go through this every day. I thought we’d be fine. I thought he was ready for this.”

  And, I had. I really hadn’t even worried about my change in employment status being a deal breaker.

  Talk about blindsided.

  “Oh my word. You’re pregnant. Oh dear, sweet, lord Jesus. I knew it. I knew you’d end up pregnant and not married and he’s going to be thinking now about how maybe he doesn’t want to get married. Maybe he doesn’t want a baby. Sweetheart, you can move home. Actually, you should move home. You can just do all that work for your new business remotely, right? Everything’s online now. Just the other day Pam showed me how she was talking to her daughter all the way across the ocean on that new thing…Skype, have you heard of it? It’s just the darndest thing. You could work like that. And then we could raise your daughter here. Oh, that could be fun. A little baby. I can paint the back room pink. Or maybe yellow. I read that girls don’t like pink any more. What do you think?”

  All five stages of grief and I hadn’t even told her what was wrong yet. My mom, the optimist.

  Great to see all that faith she had in my relationship.

  “On the upside, I’m definitely not pregnant.” So no need to move home. Small blessings. “But, Jason and I broke up.”

  “Because of your new company.”

  My new company.

  “Kind of. He didn’t like the idea that I wasn’t working for a corporation anymore. The lack of stability really bothered him and he thought we weren’t…you know…equals any more.”

  I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the bed. Had we ever been equals? Had Jason always seen me as the student? The girl he helped teach, and took under his wing, and walked through the hiring process. Even now, a few years later, running my own department for a multi-million dollar company, did he see me still as the kid he slept with?

  That sounded totally different in my head than I meant it.

  “Well, then, don’t you worry about that honey.” My mom sucked in a deep breath and let it out.

  I waited for the anti-man rampage, but instead she said, “You’ll just find someone more worthy of you.”

  I glanced at the calendar…nothing about Hell or ice or pigs or anything. Maybe I should consider not leaving the house today.

  FOURTEEN

  “So, you finally left the jackass.”

  “Jayne?” This was exactly who I needed. I just hadn’t known it until I heard her voice on the other end of the line. “Have you been talking to my mother?”

  As if. Jayne had been the voice of reason to my mother’s man-hating ways since we met in Driver’s Ed. The chances of Jayne hanging out with my mom were up there with a cozy dinner between all the Middle East leaders.

  “Yeah. Right. Barbara and I have been having tea and knitting scarves for the homeless every Sunday.”

  “It’s still a little too warm for tea and scarves.”

  “A little too pleasant to ruin it with quality time with Barbara.”

  Well, there was that too.

  “So, how’d you hear about Jason?”

  “You obviously haven’t looked at Facebook recently.”

  “I’ve been a little busy.”

  Understatement.

  “Jason has a nice little schmear campaign going on.”

  I was already firing up my computer before she even got to schmear.

  Pictures of his car in the parking lot—rims on the ground. Pictures of his wine stained sweater. Pictures of my boxes piled in his bedroom. Complaints about my attitude. And one really long post about how I’d gotten fired.

  Unbelievable.

  “I was under the impression that he was smart enough to know what libel was.” Apparently everything I’d thought about him was wrong.

  His name probably wasn’t even Jason.

  “So you haven’t broken up?”

  “Oh, we have definitely broken up.” I scrolled through his page amazed the only thing he had to post was about us-past-tense. And I thought I needed a life. “We so have.”

  “But you didn’t pour wine on him or slash his tires?”

  “I totally did those things too.” I reran the night through my head, enjoying the wine thing especially. “Actually, I didn’t slash his tires. I just let the air out of them. I highly recommend it as a stress reliever.”

  “And you were fired?” Leave it to Jayne to get back to the important point that quickly.

  “Not really. I got laid off. They got rid of a bunch of the first level managers so, there I went.”

  I still wasn’t over the fact that they thought an upper management person could take on all my people, accounts, and workload when no one could even tell you what they did except for dress nice and play golf. But, that wasn’t my problem anymore, was it?

  “And?” she pushed.

  I ran Jayne through the entire time from losing my job through my breakup with Jason to meeting Jenna at the Brew Ha Ha and moving into Ben’s before I mentioned as casually as possible starting my own business.

  When I finished, Jayne was still laughing at me.

  And this was my support system.

  “Kasey, why didn’t you call me?” Instead of being annoyed, she just sounded exasperated.

  That was part of the entire problem. I’d let my world narrow to my job and Jason and whatever Jason thought our world should look like. Not only was I completely embarrassed by this, but I felt guilty. So guilty. I was that girl. The one who disappeared because of a guy.

&nb
sp; “I felt like I didn’t have the right to call you just because I’d hit a rough patch.”

  For once I didn’t know what the silence on the other end of the line meant. Maybe this is where she told me I was right, I didn’t have the right to call her, to lean on her just because things had gotten rough and I had no where else to turn.

  “So…” I dragged it out, knowing I owed her an apology and realizing how amazingly lucky I was to have a friend who came to the rescue without even a mayday call being made. “I felt horrible. I hadn’t realized how insular I’d become until I was sitting in The Brew realizing I had no one to call to come get me. No one to go out and get chocolate cake and cheap wine drunk. I’d let Jason take over. How was I supposed to just turn around and be like, Oh, Jayne, I need you?”

  I heard Jayne let out a deep sigh. Whatever it was, I definitely deserved it.

  “Kasey, we’re not those girls.”

  “I kn—“

  “No. I don’t mean, we’re not the girls who get lost along the way. I mean, we are not and we will never be those girls who can’t forgive each other.”

  “But this is a mistake that lasted years.”

  “If I believed in karma, I’d say you prepaid this mistake by dealing with Jason all that time.” The swoosh of Jayne sucking in a breath on the other end filled my ear. “I never liked him. I never liked how he talked to you. When I came to visit, you were already so serious and anything he said you’d jump to make happen. You changed your look and your plans. If I’d been there, if I’d done a better job at staying in touch when I started school, I might have been able to nudge you away from him. But, I was so involved in my own drama that I didn’t even notice he was controlling you to such an extent. Then, I was afraid if I rocked the boat I’d lose you completely.”

  I let my eyes drop shut, surprised at the venom in Jayne’s voice.

  “Kasey?”

  “Yeah.” It was my turn to suck in a breath. I didn’t want her to think things were always horrible. “You’re right about how I let him treat me. He was…controlling. And I should have seen through that sooner. But, I’m not your responsibility.”

  I was no one’s responsibility and that’s how it was going to stay.

  “Maybe not.” Jayne gave in that much, but stayed firm. “But, I feel like I didn’t have your back when you needed it.”

  “We’re both here now and we’re not going to let bad decisions damage our awesomeness again.” I prayed that was true. That she’d forgive me even as I fought to forgive myself.

  “Cheers to that! So…tell me about these new friends you’re making and if I’m going to have to fly out there to clear them this time.”

  I rushed through descriptions, letting her know about Jenna and Ben. About hitting the tree and Max showing up. About how Max had been the cop who had already almost arrested me twice. I told her about the apartment and the move and getting pizza. As the words came out, I realized I needed say them as much as she needed to hear them. I needed to hear how well things were going too.

  “Holy cow, Kasey. You have to get with this cop.”

  Okay, so…that was adamant. And out of the blue.

  “Um, no. I just told you he’d just be another man telling me what to do. He’d make Jason look like a push-over. Jason mentored me right into a trophy girlfriend. I was pretty enough, and smart enough, and I had the right job title and I fit in his life. I understood things we enjoyed like the symphony and jazz and—”

  “Do you even like the symphony?” Jayne’s voice dripped with more doubt than would fit in a bathtub.

  “Well, sometimes. I mean, some of it’s really great.”

  “But, let’s say, we’re driving in your car—”

  “I don’t have a car.”

  “In the real world you’d have a car. And, we’re driving in it. And the top’s down—”

  “My imaginary car is a convertible? I’m doing pretty darn well in this new reality.”

  “As I was saying, the top’s down and the sun is shining and we’re about to go shopping—”

  “Since apparently I’m rich.”

  “—and you reach for the radio to turn on the CD you put in just for the drive. Don’t think about it. Quick, what comes on?”

  “Kesha.” Wait, what?

  “Really? Kesha?”

  “Well, we’re going shopping and the top’s down, so Kesha.”

  “Do you even own a Kesha CD?” Jayne sounded more shocked by that than anything I’d told her so far.

  “No. But, I’m downloading one right now.” I pulled the phone from my ear, hearing Jayne’s voice drift away. “Hold on, she has a couple. What’s the one with her when she dressed nuts? Oh. Here it is.”

  I hit the purchase button and raised the phone back to my ear.

  “I now own a Kesha CD for when we take my convertible downtown to go shopping.”

  “Okay, so this is a step in the right direction.” Jayne sighed and I’m pretty sure she’s mumbling the word Kesha under her breath. “My point really wasn’t to go buy some drunk, party girl music. It was more the fact that you were fitting yourself into Jason’s life. You aren’t even sure who you are right now. You can’t blame all that on Jason.”

  Ouch.

  “Jayne, you’re making my argument for me. I need to stay far, far away from all men right now. Especially men who like to be in control.” I glanced around for something cheerful to focus on. “Betas are underrated. I need to find a nice guy who I enjoy but doesn’t need to be in charge of everything. Someone who likes me for me, not me for how he can shoehorn me into what he wants.”

  “And, in the meantime, you’re going to get with this cop.”

  “I’m sorry, but when did I become Casual Rebound Sex Girl?”

  “When have you ever had anything to rebound from?” Jayne paused, presumably for me to jump in and agree with her. “The answer is never. In high school you were too busy dealing with daily emotional fall out from your mother. Then we went to college and you were Over Achiever Girl. The guys you dated were convenient and casual and gone quicker than I could be bothered to remember their names.

  “Yeah, because those eight-months with Marcus sophomore year just flew by.”

  “My point is that you’ve never come out of anything serious which would lead to the need for rebound.”

  “I don’t need to rebound now either. I was over Jason before I even got home that night.”

  “Because you woke up. But, that doesn’t mean you don’t need to reset your palette.”

  “I’m sorry, but guys aren’t coffee.”

  “And isn’t that just the biggest shame of anything we’ve discussed today? And not my point.” I hear her keyboard clicking away in the background. “I’m looking at this, and Kasey I have to say you must be—” Jayne gasped and then let out a long awwww. “Look! A kitten.”

  “What are you doing? Are you on the Officer Max hashtag?”

  “Oh, this one is great too. He’s literally helping a little old woman cross the street.” A long moment and then another click. “Oh, nice. Here he’s in those little shorts and t-shirts cops and military train in. He’s doing some charity obstacle course race. Did they hose him down for this?”

  I focused all of my willpower on not getting online and looking at these pictures. After the dreams—I mean, nightmares—last night with Max and kittens, the last thing I needed was a wet t-shirt Max and kittens follow-up tonight.

  “Jayne.”

  “I’m just saying, the boy is hot. Hot is good.”

  “Hot typically comes with a whole bunch of—”

  “Oh! Who is that?”

  Since I was working hard to not check out whatever site she was looking at these all these pictures on, I really had no idea, but I could guess.

  “Auburn hair, blond streaks, glasses? Has that whole, I sail on the weekends, but I’m really just a JCrew kinda guy look going on?”

  “Yeah, him. And probably the best looking guy I’
ve seen in my life.”

  “Oh. I haven’t met Best Looking Guy #1, but the other guy is Jenna’s boyfriend, Ben.”

  “I really need to come visit you.”

  “I’m so glad that where my personal tragedies couldn’t win a visit from you, the fact that I’m currently surrounded by hot guys does.”

  “I’m shallow, but you love me anyway.”

  “No pressure, but…” I’d never asked before and I couldn’t help but wonder how much of that was that I didn’t want to put her on the spot, how much was that I was afraid she’d say no, and how much was that I knew she’d rock the boat with Jason.

  Somehow I’d never connected the fact that I knew she didn’t like him, and the two of them together for more than an afternoon would be a disaster, and the fact that it was him I was embarrassed by.

  That’s not quite the right word. Not embarrassed. I mean, he was good-looking and smart and successful. Maybe I knew deep down that I would be embarrassed by being with him.

  “Maybe,” I continued, “you could come visit?”

  There was a pause on the other end and I knew she was thinking of a way to let me down lightly. I shouldn’t have asked. I knew better. I wasn’t the type of person people sacrificed for. Even my oldest friend. I knew better than to put someone on the spot like that

  Finally, in a voice softer in more ways than one, Jayne answered, “I thought you’d never ask.”

  “What?”

  “Well, the two times I was there, Jason didn’t exactly love me and I didn’t want to put you on the spot where you felt you had to play referee or that you had to pick, so I figured you’d just…you know. We’d keep in touch and I’d see you whenever you came home.”

  I closed my eyes and set my head down on the table in front of me, shocked and embarrassed by the truth I could hear in her words.

  “I wish I’d known you felt that way.”

  “Nah. You wouldn’t have been able to handle it while you were being mentored.” Jayne laughed on the other end of the line, breaking the tension. “But, honey, you’re a graduate now and we’re going to find you a professional.”