Dick Swap

by Andy Boring

Dick Swap

  Andy Boring

  Dick Swap

  Copyright © 2012 by Andy Boring.

  All rights reserved.

  Also By Andy Boring

  Party! Patio! (The Sequel to Dick Swap)

  Kevin got on the elevator after a hard day of work. He carried a bag of food from McDonald’s. A haggard old black man was already on the elevator.

  “What floor?” the man asked.

  “Seven,” Kevin said.

  “The penthouse.”

  “It’s very luxurious.”

  The man pressed the button. “McDonald’s.” He looked at Kevin’s bag.

  “Yes.”

  “What did you get?”

  “Five cheeseburgers.”

  “No fries?”

  “No fries.”

  “The cheeseburger’s a classic, though.”

  The elevator stopped on the third floor and the man got out.

  “Hi, Keith? This is Kevin.”

  “Hi Kevin.”

  “Did you want to do something tonight?”

  “Like what?”

  “Go out.”

  “Where?”

  “I was thinking maybe Wild Times or that new place that just opened next to Applebee’s. Also I’d like to go to Applebee’s.”

  “We can do that. Let’s go to Applebee’s and then Wild Times.”

  Kevin looked intently at his bag of food from McDonald’s. It was crumpled on the table and he had yet to take it to the trash can. He would never be able to eat if they went to Applebee’s.

  “Maybe just drinks,” he said.

  “Huh?”

  “Maybe I’ll just get drinks at Applebee’s.”

  “And then more drinks at Wild Times.”

  “I want to get super wasted.”

  “Bye.” Keith hung up his phone. Kevin felt like there was still a good deal to be resolved. Like travel arrangements and times. He sat down on the couch. Then he took a shower.

  Kevin put on some khaki pants and a red and white Tommy Hilfiger t-shirt. At first he left the shirt untucked but after looking at his figure in the mirror, he decided it looked better tucked in. He went back out into the living room to call Keith.

  “Hello.”

  “I’m ready to go to Applebee’s now. Are you driving?”

  “No. I still don’t have a car.” Keith did not have a car because he was poor. “Can you pick me up?”

  “I can do that. Can I borrow your penis for tonight?”

  “Just because we both share this unique talent doesn’t mean we have to do it all the time.”

  “I was going to call Joan and have her come over later, after Wild Times. Her vagina is very large. She says she can’t feel anything and makes me use one of those... things.”

  “A dildo?”

  “Yeah, that.”

  “Won’t she notice?”

  “I found a website online that says they can do that. Make it bigger. I’ll show her that website.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “How bad do you want to go to Applebee’s and then Wild Times?”

  “Pretty bad.”

  “You’re not having sex with anyone. You can use mine to masturbate.”

  “Man, that’s weird. Besides, I was going to have Jackie come over.”

  “Jackie is young. The smaller penis will not be an issue. Joan is twenty-five years older than me and has had three children and sex with a lot of men.”

  “Fine.”

  “I’ll be there in a while.”

  Kevin parked in the parking lot of Keith’s apartment in the bad side of town. He had the windows up and the door’s locked. Keith should have been waiting for him. When he didn’t see him, he honked the horn several times.

  Finally, Keith came out. He also wore khaki pants.

  Keith got in the car.

  Kevin did not say anything. He just stared at Keith’s pants.

  “Why aren’t we moving, bro? Applebee’s closes at like ten.”

  “I thought you would be wearing jeans.”

  “No, man, you can’t wear jeans to Wild Times. Dress code. I had to pull out the khakis.”

  Keith looked at Kevin’s crotch. “Nice pleats.”

  Kevin looked at Keith’s crotch and noticed that his pants did not have pleats. This made it okay.

  “I thought you were coming inside so we could swap dicks.”

  “We’ll have to do it back at the penthouse.”

  “Before Applebee’s and Wild Times?”

  Kevin had thought they would do it after Applebee’s and Wild Times. But if Keith met someone he would surely not want to let Kevin borrow his penis.

  “Yes,” Kevin said.

  “We’ll have to be quick. I’m starving.”

  Kevin had eaten five cheeseburgers only a short while ago and was not starving.

  They took the elevator up to the penthouse. In the elevator Kevin said, “It would have made a lot more sense for you to just come here.”

  “I told you I don’t have a car.”

  “You could have taken a cab.”

  They entered the penthouse and swapped dicks. First Keith went into the bathroom and removed his dick. He put it on the vanity. Then Kevin went in the bathroom, removed his dick, and put Keith’s dick on. Then Keith went into the bathroom and put Kevin’s dick on.

  “Ready to go,” Keith said upon exiting the bathroom.

  “Wild Times.”

  “Applebee’s first.”

  They went to Applebee’s.

  They got to Applebee’s and the hostess told them they’d have to wait. Kevin got mad and kicked a fake potted plant. Keith asked if they could sit at the bar. She said okay and they walked to the bar. There were twelve televisions and a lot of guys in khaki pants. Some of them wore sports jerseys. It felt just like home.

  They ordered light beers in really tall glasses and Keith ordered a cheeseburger. Keith ate three of his fries and chugged two beers quickly.

  “Another one?” the waitress asked.

  “We’re not fags,” Kevin said.

  “Excuse me?”

  “We’re not fags. This is my buddy, Keith.”

  “Hi, Keith.”

  Keith was chewing some cheeseburger and couldn’t answer.

  “Bring me two beers!” Kevin shouted. “I owe my buddy, Keith, one!”

  The waitress went to pour two beers from the tap.

  A team Kevin liked scored a point on the television. He stood up from his chair and pumped his fist into the air.

  “I feel like dancing!” he shouted.

  The waitress set the beers down on the bar.

  “Let’s pound these so we can get to Wild Times!”

  Keith quickly choked down his burger while Kevin pounded the two beers, getting a lot of it on his shirt. Keith vomited in the parking lot and then he drove them to Wild Times downtown. He didn’t drive very well but he didn’t get pulled over.

  It was relatively early so there weren’t a lot of people in Wild Times. Keith stayed near the bar and drank while Kevin went out on the dance floor and danced. He danced until his shirt came untucked and he worked up a sweat. He took breaks in dancing to come to the bar and pound Jaeger bombs. Then he returned to dancing.

  The bartender served Keith another drink, looked out at Kevin alone on the dance floor, and said: “Idiot.”

  Keith didn’t say anything.

  An hour later Kevin passed out.

  Keith dragged him out into the parking lot and Kevin came too just enough to say, “I need to call Joan. She can take me to the penthouse. You can take the car home. Just make sure you lock the doors and don’t drive around a lot.”

  Kevin called Joan and said, “I want you so bad.”

  Keith stayed in the parking l
ot until Joan came. Before Joan got there he said, “I’ll bring your car back tomorrow and pick up my dick. Make sure it’s washed.”

  Joan emerged from her car, tall and mannish. Keith wondered if Kevin knew Joan was a drag queen. He felt sorry for his friend.

  Back at the penthouse, Kevin took off all his clothes and ran around. Joan remained dressed.

  They played a game called “Got Your Dick.” Kevin would run around and Joan would sit on the edge of the bed and snatch her hand out to grab his penis if he got close enough. If she got it, she’d say, “Got your dick,” and laugh and toss her hair back off her shoulders.

  A few minutes later, Kevin passed out on the bed and vomited.

  When he woke up, he didn’t have a penis.

  Joan had stolen it.

  “What?!” Keith shouted. He sounded mad.

  “You sound really mad. It was an accident.”

  “Dude, you lost my dick.”

  “I don’t think I lost it. I think Joan has it.”

  “It’s Saturday now and I have to work Monday morning. What are we going to do?”

  “I need my penis back, Keith.”

  “I’m not giving you your dick back until you find mine. Got that?”

  “You also need to return the car.”

  “Fuck you, bro.”

  “I’ll report it as stolen if you don’t return it. You’ll go to jail. It’s a really expensive car.”

  “I’ll bring the car back but I’m keeping your dick.”

  “I really need my penis back.”

  “Well, I really need a dick period.”

  “Just bring me the car. We’ll talk about it when you get here.”

  When Keith got there, Kevin had to buzz him up.

  “Did you call Joan?” Keith looked really mad. He threw the keys on the table. The crumpled McDonald’s bag was still there.

  “Yes. She wasn’t home. I talked to one of her children.”

  “What did they say?”

  “Didn’t know when she’d be back.”

  “We have to find my dick.”

  “I’m sure it’s somewhere. Take off your pants. Give me my penis back.”

  “No. Take off your pants. How do I know you don’t just want two dicks?”

  “Fine.” Kevin took down his pants and underwear.

  Keith looked at Kevin’s crotch. There was pubic hair and then... nothing. Just a smooth surface of skin.

  “See,” Kevin said. “It’s gone.”

  “Dammit.”

  “Give me mine back.”

  “No.”

  Kevin took Keith into a headlock and they wrestled around some until they got hungry and then they went to Applebee’s and had lunch and talked about things.

  At Applebee’s, Kevin made a scene. Keith put his hands around one of Kevin’s wrists and said, “You need to calm down or they’re going to throw us out.”

  Kevin did not calm down. He continued making a scene. Keith told him he would give him his dick back if he just calmed down.

  Before their food came, they went to the bathroom and Keith gave Kevin his dick back. When they got back to the table, Kevin didn’t make a scene. Their food was waiting for them.

  Between bites, they talked.

  “I really need to get my dick back,” Keith said. “You understand, right?”

  “I understand,” Kevin said. “But I don’t really care. I have my dick back. I have my car. I don’t see why I should care. It’s Saturday. I have to be at work on Monday. I can’t really start any quests with you.”

  Keith, frustrated, grabbed his head and pushed a fork onto the carpeted floor. Now he felt like he was making a scene.

  “Be cool,” Kevin said.

  “It’s my dick,” Keith said.

  “Maybe you could have surgery. Get a vagina. Or a different penis.”

  Keith rolled his eyes. “If you help me find my dick, I’ll let you borrow it whenever you want.”

  “Maybe I just need to get comfortable with mine.”

  “Yours is tiny. No girl is going to want to fuck you more than once with that thing.”

  “I would like to help you but... I just feel tired.”

  “I’ll do a good majority of the driving.”

  “I don’t know if you’re insured on my car.”

  They talked about some other things and then Kevin said, “Fine. I guess we could go by Joan’s house on the way to the penthouse.”

  Before they left, Robin spotted Kevin and came over to the table. Kevin worked in the office with Robin.

  “Hi, Kevin,” she said.

  “I’m not a fag,” Kevin said.

  “Whoa,” Robin said. “I never said you were.”

  Robin was pretty fat and she looked swollen, all of her skin stretched tight.

  “Looks like you just finished a really big meal.” Kevin looked her up and down. “My friend, Keith, and I were just leaving.”

  “I just wanted to say hi.”

  “Yeah, we’re really busy. I have to go home and get into some khakis. These jeans make me feel like white trash.”

  Robin laughed. “You’re so weird.”

  Kevin stared at her. He didn’t know what she meant. He and Keith got into his car and they drove to Joan’s.

  Kevin knocked on Joan’s door. She lived in the slums. He wiped his hand on his jeans.

  “This is why we always go to the penthouse,” Kevin told Keith. “Because Joan lives here, in the slums, and it makes me feel dirty to be here.”

  Kevin knocked again. “Maybe she isn’t home,” he said. He wished she wasn’t home. He wanted to go home and forget about everything. He wanted to play video games and rest up for work on Monday. Maybe go to a store and buy something on Sunday.

  Finally a small boy opened the door.

  “Is Joan here?” Kevin asked.

  “No. Fuck you, fucker.”

  “I’m coming in.”

  Kevin pushed past the boy. A middle-aged man sat in a recliner in the middle of the room. He looked like he was sleeping or passed out. There were five children of mixed genders standing around him and spitting on him.

  “You stay here,” Kevin said to Keith. Then he pointed at the man in the chair and said, “That’s Walter.”

  Kevin went into Joan’s bedroom and shut the door. It smelled weird. He opened some drawers and things and looked under more things. He didn’t see Keith’s penis. He masturbated onto the bed and thought about the waitress from Applebee’s.

  He went back out into the living room and didn’t see Keith. Just the kids spitting on Walter.

  “Where’s Keith?” He was panicked.

  One of the children who wasn’t an asshole pointed at the door.

  Kevin stepped outside. Keith was on the porch.

  “Man, that was weird,” Keith said.

  “It was your idea.”

  “What now?”

  “I need to get home and take a shower. Change out of these clothes.”

  “I’d like that too.”

  They went back to the penthouse.

  Kevin got out of the shower and saw Keith sitting on the couch. He walked over to Keith and sat on his lap.

  “Get the fuck off me.” Keith tried to push Kevin off.

  “I just wanted to sit on your lap. Because you don’t have a penis. I figured you wouldn’t mind. Faggot.”

  Kevin still had not moved.

  Keith slid out from under him, stood up, and punched Kevin in the side of the head.

  After hitting the floor in an overly dramatic fashion, Kevin rushed to the phone and called security to have Keith removed.

  An hour later Keith called and asked if he could come over. Kevin said it was okay. Keith said Kevin would have to come and pick him up.

  They went to a restaurant that wasn’t Applebee’s and had coffee. Kevin had a crying jag.

  In the parking lot, Keith hit Kevin in the face until he started to bleed and told him he really needed to think about where his dic
k had gone. Kevin wanted to go to the hospital. Keith told him that wasn’t happening.

  They went back to Joan’s.

  No one answered the door.

  In Joan’s driveway, Keith administered another beating to Kevin. He bound his hands and ankles with some rope and threw him in the back seat. Then Keith sat in the driver’s seat.

  “Where to?”

  “The police station.”

  Keith drove to the police station. He left Kevin in the car. Keith went in and said he would like to report something missing. He thought it would be really embarrassing to tell them that he was missing his dick but he didn’t know what else to do. Before he could get it out, Kevin entered the police station, freed, and ran around shouting. Making a big scene.

  Keith gathered Kevin and they left.

  One officer shot at the car but he missed.

  They went back to the penthouse.

  In the penthouse, Kevin said, “I am tired from being beaten so much and need to lie down.”

  He went to lie down.

  Keith was afraid to fall asleep. He looked online to see if anyone sold penises. He didn’t find any listings. He woke up Kevin and said, “You’d better come into the kitchen.”

  In the kitchen, Keith gave him a cup of coffee and they sat around in wooden chairs at the breakfast bar.

  “I didn’t want to tell you this, buddy, but I think Joan might be a man.”

  Kevin took a sip of his coffee and said it was too hot. He poured it out in the kitchen sink. “A man?” he said.

  “Yes,” Keith said. “I think he might be a man who dresses like a woman. It’s possible that Joan is Walter.”

  “Does that make me a faggot?”

  “Anyway, I think we should go back to Joan’s.”

  Kevin seemed to like this idea. He pumped his fist in the air and said, “Whoo! Back to Joan’s.”

  They drove to Joan’s.

  They entered the house. The children were in the kitchen making pastries, drinking, and smoking. Kevin and Keith went to the bedroom. Walter was asleep in Joan’s bed. Keith threw himself on Walter.

  “Okay, fucker, tell me what you did with my penis.”

  Walter opened his eyes, alarmed, and Kevin realized it was really Joan. “Why did you lie to me, Joan?” he asked. He felt weepy and thirsty. He went outside to get some water out of the hose.

  Keith continued to beat and threaten Walter.

  Outside, Kevin got water all over his shirt.

  Keith came out. He looked wild.

  “We need to go to California,” Keith said.

  They got into the car. Kevin slumped over and started to cry.

  Keith rubbed his back and asked, “What’s wrong, buddy?”

  “I don’t know here California is.”

  Keith pulled a map from the glove compartment. He pointed to a place on one side of the map and said, “We live here. In New York.” Then he pointed at the other side of the map and said, “California is over here.”

  Kevin studied the map. “Okay. I think we can do it.”

  They drove to California.

  In California, they got out of the car.

  “That took considerably longer than I thought it would,” Keith said.

  “It didn’t look that far on the map.”

  Kevin looked at Keith. “You kind of have a beard now. I like it. It looks good.”

  Keith looked at Kevin. “Yeah, you do too. Your beard is a darker color than your hair.”

  “Do you think I should dye it? My hair?”

  “We can talk about it later.”

  “I think I can smell the ocean from here.”

  “Yeah, it’s right over there.” Keith pointed at the ocean. There were surfers in the water and girls in bikinis on the beach.

  “California,” Kevin said.

  “I’m hungry. Let’s go get some food.”

  They went to In-N-Out burger and ate a lot.

  That night they lost the car. They walked along the side of the road until they came to a club called Forearm. Some people yelled at them along the way. They might have been making fun of them.

  In the club, Kevin drank too much and a bouncer asked them to leave.

  Outside, Kevin said, “Being in California makes me feel famous.”

  “We should do that,” Keith said. Kevin thought he sounded as excited as he had since losing his penis.

  “Okay,” Kevin said.

  They spent the