The Big Book of Spy Stuff

by Bart King

  When she gets the message, your contact just needs to “Select all” and change the font color to black! What follows is an example of what I mean. If you can decipher the following invisible ink message using these instructions, you’re eligible to win $100,000. Here it is, and good luck:

  If you’re worried that sending a blank document to someone is too suspicious, just write a seemingly double-spaced message. Actually, it will be SINGLE-spaced, and you’ll alternate lines. One line will be written in black, one line will be written in white, and so forth.

  This isn’t unlike the way that real invisible ink works. If a person were suspected of spying and she had several sheets of “blank” paper with her, it would look suspicious. That’s why it’s common for pages with invisible ink to have pictures or other text in VISIBLE ink on them! For example, Josephine Baker was a famous singer who routinely carried sheet music with her to performances during World War II. This provided a nice way to transport secret notes throughout Nazi-controlled Europe.

  You see, along with the music, Baker’s sheets had invisible ink messages written on them!

  Hey, that reminds me of a joke.

  Q. Do you know how to read invisible ink?

  A. Wear invisible glasses.

  If you think that, like that joke, invisible ink is too lame for any real spy to use, think again! In the United States, top secret documents eventually get “declassified.” That means anyone can read them. But in 1999, the CIA stated that the invisible ink using lemon juice (which agents have been using for centuries) was to remain outside of the declassification process. Why? Because this kind of invisible ink was still being used!

  During World War II, German intelligence agents put secret messages into code using something called the Enigma machine. Because it was so sophisticated, and since its settings were changed daily, it was assumed that nobody would ever figure it out. But the British had a genius mathematician named Alan Turing, who designed the world’s first computer. Named the Bombe, it was able to decipher the German code. Yes! Intercepting and understanding German messages meant that tens of thousands of lives were saved.

  What makes this even better is that Turing was a kooky genius. He was known for chaining his tea mug to radiators so his coworkers wouldn’t steal it. Turing sometimes ran the 40 miles between London and his workplace for meetings. And when he rode his bike, Turing wore a gas mask to avoid getting hay fever.

  Middle Earth Humor

  A year after The Hobbit was published, author J. R. R. Tolkien trained as a code-breaker where Alan Turing worked. But for an unknown reason, Tolkien didn’t stick with the program. This led one historian to joke, “Perhaps it was because we declared war on Germany and not Mordor.”

  If you ever want to recruit a code-breaker, make sure she’s good at chess AND music AND math. It turns out that the best code-breakers have been talented at all three. Or, just hire a REALLY good computer programmer. Because in today’s world of codes, supercomputers do the majority of enciphering and deciphering messages.

  For example, the computers used at the National Security Agency (NSA) in the United States are believed to have more power than anywhere on the planet. (The NSA has acres and acres and acres of computers.) And guess what the NSA’s in charge of? [17]

  * * *

  [13] Codes are different from ciphers, which substitute a different letter or number for each letter or number you see.

  [14] The message is Doughnutsareverygood.

  [15] One of these Russian spies once found it necessary to write down a false address. The trained professional then wrote “99 Fake Street.”

  [16] Translation: “Fig newtons are good.”

  [17] Codes and ciphers!

  Spymasters

  A spymaster is the person in charge of an entire group of agents. And while it’s nice to have the title “Spymaster” on your business card, it’s an incredibly difficult job.

  It’s the topsy-turvy logic that makes spying so hard! For example, imagine that you are a spymaster. An enemy agent approaches you and says she wants to work for you. How could you know that she wasn’t a deliberate plant who is going to give you false information? You wouldn’t! So you’d almost HAVE to hire her. And then you’d have to watch that double agent carefully!

  The Deadliest Game: British agents nicknamed their spymasters “gamekeepers.”

  Let’s look at some famous spymasters, starting with...

  The Spy-dermaster

  What spymaster wove the most tangled web? That might have been Reinhard Gehlen (1902–1979). He was a head of Nazi intelligence during World War II. But Gehlen knew that Germany might lose the war, so he buried steel drums full of intelligence information on Russia just in case.

  After Germany DID lose, Gehlen surrendered to the Allied forces. Gehlen was brought back to West Germany, where his steel drums were dug up. Impressed with his intelligence, the Americans put Gehlen in charge of a new spy network. (Not everyone approved; one American general called it “that spooky Nazi outfit.”) And after that, Gehlen also helped countries like Egypt and Israel with their intelligence.

  So how many countries did Gehlen do spy work for? At LEAST five...and probably more!

  Who Knew?

  Many high-ranking Nazis who were caught after World War II were not imprisoned or executed. Instead, countries like the United States and Great Britain used them as scientists and spies.

  Moses—The Original Spymaster

  Moses was one of the earliest spymasters we know of. And his first operation was a disaster!

  Many people believe that Moses led the Jews out of Egypt over 3,000 years ago. The idea was for the Jews to head for the Holy Land. So Moses sent 12 spies ahead of the main group to gather intelligence on anyone who might be living there.

  But some of these spies were captured. And the ones who did return gave different reports of what they had seen. This might not have been so bad, but Moses had the spies give their reports publicly in front of all the Jews!

  Only two of these spies recommended that the Jews go forth and try to take over the Holy Land. And some of the spies said the Holy Land was now occupied by giants. Everyone panicked! This led to no decision and contributed to 40 years of dithering around in the wilderness.

  So we see that Moses faced two classic problems that a spymaster faces:

  What do you do when your spies don’t agree with each other?

  How do you keep a secret a secret?

  Joshua took over after Moses, and he had better success. Using experienced spies that reported only to him, Joshua conquered the city of Jericho. And thousands of years later, the CIA did a report comparing these two Jewish spymasters. (Really!) The CIA report concluded:

  Moses used amateur spies that reported in public.

  Result: The people lost confidence and went on to suffer a long period of severe punishment.

  Joshua used professional spies that reported in private.

  Result: The secret agents helped Joshua achieve his national goals.

  The Spymaster that Was Afraid of His Employees

  In a spy’s treacherous world, it takes some pretty dastardly deeds for a spy group to stand out. But one Russian agency does: the dreaded Oprichniki! This secret police force was formed by Czar Ivan the Terrible in 1565. Their job was to find Russians who were unhappy with Czar Ivan the Terrible and then crush them! (I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t be anxious to mess with anyone nicknamed “the Terrible” in the first place.)

  The members of the Oprichniki rode black horses, dressed in black, and had the emblem of a dog’s head and a broom on their black saddles. Their mission was to use spies to “sniff out” those who dared question the czar’s authority and then “sweep them” up and throw them away. How does one sweep up humans? By stealing their land and then imprisoning or executing them.

  Also known as the “Czar’s dogs,” the Oprichniki were so good at their dreadful job that Ivan the Terrible himself grew frightened o
f them. So he disbanded the secret police and scattered the Oprichniki agents. Then just to make sure nobody remembered them, Ivan the Terrible made a terrible new law: anyone who even said the word “Oprichniki” was executed!

  My Favorite Spymaster of All Time!

  Juan Pujol García (1912–1988) watched in dismay as Nazi Germany took over Europe in the 1930s. So in 1940, García offered to work as a spy for the British.

  But the Brits rejected him. Uncool!

  García then offered to work as a spy for the Germans. And they hired him!

  Once he got this job, García applied for a second time to the British. This time, the Brits were only too happy to take on a double agent that was this creative! And García was just getting started. He developed a spy network of 27 agents that collected information for the Nazis. There was just one catch: the spies were all imaginary! (These kinds of fake agents are sometimes called “notional spies.”)

  To make his fake spies realistic, García had to invent a believable life story for each one. And once that work was done, García began creating a symphony of false intelligence. The tricks he played on the Germans saved thousands of lives during the war.

  Speaking of lives, García once “killed off” one of his imaginary agents and ran a death notice in a British newspaper. In that way, he managed to convince the Germans to pay a pension to the man’s imaginary widow.

  Best of all, García was one of the only people ever to be given medals by both the Germans AND the British during World War II. Now if that isn’t a good spymaster, I don’t know what is!

  The Agents of Juan Pujol García

  Keeping Secrets Secret!

  Nearly a million people in the United States alone have top secret clearance. And you should be one of them! When you apply for a job as a spy, agents will run a background check on you. That means they’ll be interviewing people who know you. And one of the most important questions your friends and family will be asked is, “Can [your name] keep a secret?”

  The sad thing is, if you don’t ALREADY know how to keep a secret, you’ll probably never be able to. You can either do it or you can’t! Experts believe that starting about age six, kids start to understand the idea of keeping a secret. Children who “get it” can then become trustworthy. This is why you can never expect a little kid to keep a secret! (This is also why I refuse to hire any spy under the age of six.)

  But sometimes, even older spies just don’t get it. One wannabe agent confidently told me, “I know what a secret is.”

  “Okay,” I said, “what IS a secret?”

  Wrong.

  I fired that kid before he even had the job![18] At least he knew that once you HAVE a secret, it’s tempting to tell somebody. But if you ever want to get a top-security clearance, you must RESIST that temptation.

  I encourage you to think about the power you have when you keep a secret. It’s a power you only get by never repeating rumors or gossip. Seriously! It shows that you’re trustworthy, and that’s how you get to the point where people will trust you with their secrets.

  Oh, and avoid those people who always try to drag gossip out of you. Who needs the aggravation? If somebody really pushes it, go with the standard spy non-answer: “I can neither confirm nor deny it.” This is good! It’s not a lie and no information is given. Practice using this line!

  Secrets Revealed!

  One of the strangest things in the history of secrets happened in Germany. After World War II, the country was divided into West Germany (a free democracy) and East Germany (a communist country controlled by Russia). The East German government kept a constant eye on its citizens. Its leaders were worried that the East Germans would either flee to the West or become spies.

  But in 1990, the two Germanys were reunited! That meant there was no need for the old East German spy agency called the Stasi. And then a politician named Vera Wollenberger passed a law that opened Stasi’s top secret files to the public.

  Wow! Parents learned that their children had spied on them—and vice-versa! A famous human rights worker was discovered to be a spy. There was even a man who learned that his depression came from the drugs his own doctor prescribed him. (The Stasi had ordered the doctor to do this.)

  As for Vera Wollenberger, she was surprised to discover that her own HUSBAND was a Stasi informant! Downer. (How do you say “divorce” in German?)

  Why were there so many spies and informers? Some people were pressured into it. And an expert said that most “people informed for personal gain, out of loyalty, or simply because they wanted to feel like they had some power.”

  Germany is still recovering from this avalanche of secrets, which is maybe a good lesson. We should be careful about wanting to know secrets—because we might not like what we discover! (Even so, I still think I’d like to see the FBI files on my family. You see, I have a sneaking suspicion about my brother...)

  But Who Gets to Know What?

  The next time you play miniature golf or enter the octagon for a mixed martial arts match, think of your opponent as the Government. And pretend that you’re a Reporter! This will help motivate you to win, because Reporters LOVE to uncover secrets. And the Government loves to KEEP secrets.

  That means they’re archenemies!

  But should one side always win against the other? I mean, there are some government secrets that citizens should know. But it’s impossible to share those secrets with citizens while also keeping them from the government’s enemies.

  Although there are many arguments over this, here are some things that almost always need to STAY secret:

  Codes and ciphers

  Identity of spies

  Location and movement of troops

  Location and movement of satellites and classified weapons.

  If an important secret is going to be outed, the good should outweigh the bad. For instance, in the 1960s, the U.S. government had a secret plan to invade Cuba. Even though the New York Times learned about this plan, the newspaper chose NOT to print the story because American lives might be lost if they did.

  So the Times sat on the secret. And the Cuban invasion was a total disaster! Not only didn’t it work, but lots of people died. Furthermore, the invasion was so lame, the United States looked idiotic for a long time afterwards.

  So it would have been a lot better for everyone if the Times HAD printed the secret story—but how could its writers have known?

  Interestingly, there are times when a secret is so important, it’s the SPIES who leak them to a news organization. And if a SPY thinks people should know something, I guess they probably should!

  Finally, here’s a secret about secrets: after a while, they lose all their power! Think about it. What was your most embarrassing secret when you were five? Perhaps you got caught picking your nose in class. Or maybe you wet your bed at a sleepover. Who cares! (Please ignore these examples if you are six.) The point is, the all-important secrets that spies die for today are often just interesting secrets in a few short years.

  And that’s why I can’t think of ANY secret that should be kept secret forever. Even the fact that I love cupcakes with pink frosting. (Hey, don’t laugh. You picked your nose in kindergarten!)

  He Really Disliked Reporters

  Union General William Sherman hated newspaper reporters. Sherman even once tried to have a newsman shot for “spying” on his troops during the Civil War. (The writer was actually just working on a sidebar.) And upon hearing that three reporters had been killed by artillery, Sherman said, “Good, now we shall have news from hell before breakfast.”

  * * *

  [18] I felt bad, though, so I gave him a different job as my life coach.

  The Best (and Worst!) Secret Names Ever

  “The Great Game.” That’s the name that British agents once used for spy work. And espionage is like a game. For example, in Monopoly when you pass “Go,” you get interrogated if you can’t explain exactly WHY you have an extra $200. (That’s how we play at my house,
anyway.)

  Once you get your top secret clearance, you’ll be joining a group of other intelligence agents. So what cool code name should you call yourselves? There are different approaches you could take. For instance, the CIA is sometimes called “The Company” or “The Firm.” Bor-ring. And there’s a private spy agency called “The Analysis Corporation.” That’s even more of a snoozer!