The Big Book of Spy Stuff

by Bart King

  And so captured agents faced interrogations about their poetry!

  Interrogator:We have ways of making you recite poetry.

  Spy:I’ll NEVER reveal my poem to you!

  Interrogator(swinging a large wet noodle): Don’t make me use this.

  Spy:Not the noodle! Okay, okay: “The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout...”

  Mean Interrogator(sitting down):Ooh, I love this one.

  The Scariest Spot in Russia

  The KGB was a scary spy agency. There was even a knock-knock joke about how scary it was.

  “Knock knock!”

  “Who’s there?”

  “The KGB.”

  “The KGB wh—”

  “Silence! Nobody questions the KGB!”

  KGB headquarters were in a massive Moscow building called Lubyanka. And it doubled as a prison for spies. How bad was Lubyanka? The people who worked there were nicknamed “bone crushers.” And according to prisoners, Lubyanka was kept as silent as possible. Guards did not speak, but communicated instead by clicking their tongues.

  The idea was that all that tongue clicking would be so eerie, it would freak prisoners out. And it did!

  For anyone imprisoned in Lubyanka, the greatest hope was to be shipped out to a work camp in Siberia. Although that may not sound so great, it definitely beat the other alternatives: torture or death.

  And that’s why the Russians liked to tell this joke:

  Q. What’s the tallest building in Moscow?

  A. Lubyanka. You can see Siberia from its basement!

  Strangely, if you visit the most-feared spot in Russia today, you can take a tour. In fact, you can even visit the cellar (a.k.a. the Cell), where spies were executed. (As for me, I’ll be waiting outside.)

  If You’re Caught

  If you allow yourself to be captured by enemy agents, remember to use a good alibi. That’s why you should never start spying without already having an excuse prepared. The CIA calls this “plausible denial.” When a U.S. spy plane (called the U-2) was shot down over Russia, the CIA had its plausible denial ready: That wasn’t a spy plane, that was an unarmed plane monitoring the weather. So thanks a lot for shooting down our harmless science project, you jerks![20]

  Here’s my favorite “plausible denial” story of all time! In 1980, there was a revolution in Iran. During that time, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over and the Americans inside were held hostage while mobs of people shouting “Death to America!” filled the streets.

  There were also Americans trapped outside the embassy, including a group of six who were holed up in a Canadian diplomat’s home. Since ALL Americans were suspected of being spies, getting these six out of Iran was a huge safety concern.

  So a CIA agent named Antonio Mendez invented a fake movie company called “Studio Six Productions.” And his fake studio took out ads for a fake science-fiction film called Argo. It even had a cheesy slogan: “Studio Six Productions presents Argo: A cosmic conflagration!”

  The six stranded Americans were given disguises. They were going to pose as actors and Hollywood types working on the Argo movie. One older American diplomat was given a blow-dried hairstyle. He also had on tight pants, a topcoat that he wore like a cape, and a blue silk shirt unbuttoned down the front and showing a gold chain and medallion!

  In short, the outfits were so outrageous, this plan HAD to work. And it did! The six “film” people managed to persuade the Iranians that they weren’t spies, and they got safely out of the country.

  Now dig this: since there was no need for it to exist anymore, Studio Six Productions was dismantled. But during the weeks it had existed, the fake studio had received over two dozen scripts for movies, including one by a young Steven Spielberg!

  Of course, it’s unlikely that you’ll need a plan as complex as the Studio Six one. Let me think of a more likely scenario that you might have to deal with. Got it!

  Accusation: You were picking your nose.

  Plausible Denial: A bug flew up your nose, and you were trying to save its life.

  Of course, as a spy, your greatest danger isn’t a bug up your nose; it’s being captured. You’re committing crimes with a secret identity, and your employer doesn’t want to admit that you exist. Not good! In Russia, they once had a special execution for enemy spies called vyshaya mera.[21] Luckily, many nations are now more humane to captured agents. This is partly because torture doesn’t get anyone good information. Think about it: if someone were threatening you with a hedge-trimmer, you’d say ANYTHING to keep it away from you!

  But there are OTHER mean things that interrogators might try, including

  sleep deprivation

  loud noises

  bright lights

  bribes

  brainwashing

  hypnosis

  annoying music.

  Yes, interrogators have been known to play the theme songs from Sesame Street and Barney over and over and over again to wear down a captured spy. (Seriously.)

  Of course, you won’t need to use these interrogation techniques, because you have THIS book. Simply read aloud from it to the captured spy. That will get results!

  The Interrogation: Spotting a Spyer Who’s a Liar

  It’s easy to tell the truth. That’s one reason why most people tell the truth most of the time. It’s the comfortable thing to do! So during an interrogation, these are signs that a suspect is probably telling the truth:

  Answers questions completely and directly.

  Acts attentive and interested.

  Answers quickly.

  Gives consistent answers that don’t conflict with each other or require explanations.

  Ah, but when a person lies, everything changes! Now our suspect has to keep at least TWO things in mind at once: the LIE and the TRUTH. This creates conflict, and it makes a person feel UNcomfortable. And if someone is uncomfortable, you can spot it.

  So before you start your interview, all you need is a clipboard, some paper, and a pen. As your interview starts, simply watch for any of the following signs. Every time you observe one of the signs, mark a little dot on your clipboard. These dots will help you see patterns of lying.

  If you have your questions written out beforehand, mark the dots next to the question being asked. This helps locate specific topics where lies happen.[22] And if this seems like a lot of stuff to look out for, have someone ELSE ask the questions. Then you can just keep track of the dots! Oh, and try not to sit across the table from the person you’re questioning. It’s better to be on the same side of the table and turn towards him so you can see his entire body.

  Body Position: Whether seated or standing, everyone has an “anchor point.” This is a spot where the body weight rests. And a liar will shift anchor points a lot! If seated, he may lean on one elbow and then shift to another one. Standing? He may keep switching his weight from foot to foot. Or his legs may bounce and twitch so fast, neither one is being used as an anchor point for very long.

  Body Language: Lots of grooming gestures can be a tip-off. Is the person adjusting her glasses, touching her hair, or picking at her fingernails? Is she putting the items around her (like pens or notebooks) in neat little rows? A liar might have lots of body language. So look for touching, rubbing, or tugging on the ears, nose, and eyes, as well as readjusting her clothes.[23]

  Eyes: It’s possible to lie with normal eye contact. But if the person can’t look away from you OR can’t look at you, then she MAY be lying. And liars really DO blink more than normal!

  Voice: It is stressful to lie, so a liar’s voice tends to go higher than normal. Liars also tend to talk fast. However, if the liar has to invent a lie on the spot, he will slow way down and look upwards as he searches for the best story.

  If the person is really feeling the stress, there may be stuttering and a lot of pauses and mumbling. Liars also use “filler words” like er, um, duh, uh, or help me, I’m a big fat liar.

  Fake Smiles and Laughing: It isn’t THAT har
d to spot a fake smile, because liars only smile with their mouth.

  What we mean is that a true smile affects the whole face, so that the corners of the eyes will “crinkle” up. If a person has a thin-lipped, clenched-teeth smile that doesn’t crinkle the eyes, it’s probably a fake.

  And a laugh is only real if the person closes his eyes as he laughs. If your suspect starts laughing but is watching you with open eyes when he does, it’s as fake as a three-dollar bill.

  Word Use: A liar is trying to convince you, and he’ll use phrases like “To tell the truth,” “Really,” “Honestly,” “Actually,” “No kidding,” “Seriously,” more than usual. Be sure to mark a dot for any version of these.

  “Frankly...”

  “To the best of my knowledge...”

  “Trust me.”

  “Why would I lie?”

  “I swear.”

  “You can ask anyone!”

  “...as I said before...”

  “How dare you ask me that!” (Or “I can’t believe you’re asking me that question.”)

  “How long is this going to take?”

  A person who ends statements with “All right?” or “Don’t you agree?” or “You know what I’m talking about?” or other questions that try to get you to agree to what it was she said is also possibly lying.

  Finally, a person who is lying uses “contractions” less and emphasizes denials. For example, instead of saying “I didn’t do it,” she will say “I did NOT do it.”

  As you make your dots, remember that you’re looking for PATTERNS. So if you ask a question and your suspect shifts in his seat, gives a fake laugh, and says, “Why would you ask me that question?” you’re probably on to something.

  Even so, there will rarely be times when you can be 100 percent sure that someone is guilty. An innocent person who is anxious might fidget. So look for LOTS of dots, not just a few.

  The Questions!

  You might begin by asking your suspect a nonthreatening question, something like “What was the first day at school like?” or another vivid memory. There’s no reason for the person to lie, so pay close attention to the way this person tells the TRUTH.

  As you shift to your real questions, think: Is the person providing the same number of details that he did before? And the way you phrase your questions is also important. Don’t ask specific, confrontational questions like:

  Are you a spy?

  When did you become evil?

  Why did you steal the polka-dotted laptop?

  Instead, try indirect LEADING questions. These might lead the person to actually talk about the subject. For example,

  Why do you think you’re in this situation?

  Is there any reason we’d find your fingerprints on the polka-dotted laptop?

  Weren’t you worried that someone might notice the polka-dotted laptop was gone?

  The key is to get your suspect to TALK. The more a person talks, the more likely he is to feel like getting that secret off his chest.

  And if you had your suspect tell a story, try this. After the suspect finishes, have him describe everything that happened in reverse! A liar is going to have a VERY hard time doing this, but an honest person can. In fact, while telling the story backwards, the story may gain relevant details!

  Telling the Truth: Once You Can Fake That, You’ve Got It Made!

  Remember, all of these techniques can also be used on YOU. But while intelligence experts often give classes on how to detect lies, they almost never give classes on how to lie. That’s because it just doesn’t work. Lie detectors are the worst liars around! So it turns out that knowing what to look for doesn’t help you become a better liar yourself!

  I can give you a few weak tips about things to try if you’re being interrogated.

  Answering questions with questions: “Before I tell you about my mission, what’s your favorite color?”

  Claiming ignorance: “Wow, how weird that I forgot my own name!”

  Giving outrageously general answers: “My favorite color? Rainbow.”

  Changing the topic: “I guess I’m sitting here today because I like pickles. In fact, canning pickles is one of my favorite hobbies. I am especially interested in sweet pickles, and so forth.”

  Avoid Your Mother Tongue!

  Chinese spy Larry Wu-Tai Chin took—and passed—lie detector tests even though he was lying. But Chin took these tests in English, and he said he passed the lie detector because it’s easier to lie in a foreign language.

  The fact is that a professional interviewer will find a way to get the truth out of you. In Israel, there was recently a murder case. The police had a suspect, but he said he had no memory of any crime.

  A police officer then went to the hospital and borrowed an ECG machine, which measures heart rate. He also brought some electrodes and ECG printouts. The officer set the machine up in an interview room, along with a laptop computer. The suspect was brought in and agreed to be hooked up to the “memory machine.”

  The suspect allowed electrodes to be attached to his head, with other dummy wires leading to the laptop. The police then began the interview. When the suspect again denied any memory of the murder, the officer said, “You’re lying! The exam shows that you DO remember!”

  The suspect was then shown the ECG printout from the hospital. Faced with the “evidence,” the suspect confessed to the murder! The police later explained to him that there is no such thing as a “memory machine.” (This probably did not make him very happy.)

  Of course, there ARE real lie-detector machines. Traditional lie detectors measure a person’s heart rate and breathing. One recent lie detector uses a laser pointer. This is aimed at a person’s throat, where it measures the blood flow to the brain. More blood?—more lies! And there is also a lie-detecting camera that detects temperature changes in a person’s face. A person who is lying has a heat increase in the inside corner of her eyes!

  Now What?

  After a spy is caught and interrogated, what do you do with him? In the old days, a captured spy might be “terminated with extreme prejudice.” But today, we know it’s wrong to be prejudiced, so we just kill them.

  Ha! Just kidding. You could try to imprison the spy, but I’m guessing that your closet will get kind of cramped. Maybe your best option is to try to “flip” the captured spy. This does not refer to martial arts; flipping (or “turning”) a spy means that you get them to switch over to YOUR side and become a double agent.

  Of course, nobody trusts a double agent. Since the spy is not loyal to his original employers, that makes him a traitor. And a traitor is the LAST person you should trust!

  As masters of deception, double agents all have one thing in common. When one of them gets caught, she’ll claim that she was trying to become a TRIPLE agent. That is, the spy will admit to working for the other side, but only to fool the enemy. She was secretly loyal to your side all along!

  Right.

  But trying to flip a spy is still a good way to go. Because if you threaten or mistreat your captured spy, she will definitely backstab you at the first chance! So take a more positive approach. Like my granny always said, “You catch more spies with honey than with vinegar.”

  Let’s learn from intelligence agent Jim Soiles. He needed information from a former terrorist named Samir. Although Samir had recently been arrested, he refused to talk or cooperate in any way.

  Agent Soiles decided it was time for some honey. He knew where Samir was from, so the agent went to a specialty deli that made food from that region. Agent Soiles then ordered two lunches to go and brought them back to the prison.

  Once there, Soiles had Samir brought to a visiting room. Neither man said anything. Soiles then set both lunches on a table and silently ate one of them. Samir just watched him. Finally, Soiles threw the other lunch in the trash and left, still without having said a word.

  The next day, Soiles did the exact same thing. And the next day. And the next day! For a whole month, nei
ther man said anything while Soiles enjoyed a delicious lunch and threw the other lunch away. But FINALLY, one day as Soiles sat down to eat, Samir said, “What do you want?”

  Not only did Samir eat lunch that day, but Soiles and Samir have been working together ever since!

  This shows that patience pays off in intelligence work. (It also shows that prison food is probably pretty lousy.) Anyway, since most spies get paid for their work, another approach for flipping a spy might be to offer a captured spy more money than his employer pays. Other possibilities include giving the spy a chance for revenge or a solution to a problem he has.