Current

by Abby Mccarthy

  I reach into my purse and pull the key off of the ring and hand it to him.

  “Lead mechanic is looking at it now, but he won’t get a full idea of the damage until tomorrow. You can get a look and grab whatever you need from it now if you want.”

  “Thanks,” I say and follow him through the open door into the bay.

  Several men are working on a red car that looks like it would be in Fast and Furious. I walk over to my car and my heart sinks. As I approach, I can already see the glass is shattered in the back window. I walk around the driver’s side, and despite a long scratch in the black paint, it doesn't look that bad. I round the front, where the bent hood is propped open and a man is bent over it, his eyes staring down. My front windshield is also cracked as well as a huge indent on the front passenger side. “Shit,” I hiss taking it all in. The mechanic under the hood freezes and very slowly raises his head towards me. He stands. I take him in, as the air leaves my lungs in a huge whoosh.

  He’s tall.

  Taller.

  Tattoos cover his arms. Broad shoulders. Muscular like he frequents a gym. His hair is trimmed short close to his head.

  His eyes.

  Piercing.

  Blue-green.

  Watching me.

  Just like my daughter’s.

  Just like his daughter’s.

  Chapter Eleven

  I remember a moment like this. One where it felt like the entire universe paused and shifted right under my feet. A moment where a truth changed everything. At this moment, I am altered.

  Jake Daniels is standing in front of me.

  “No, I can’t believe it,” I say with a fierceness I didn’t know I was capable of.

  “Listen, I know there’s some damage, but don't worry we’ll get it fixed,” Stout says in an easy going voice.

  My body is locked tight ignoring Stout, my eyes are locked hard on Jake.

  “Juniper,” Jake’s voice is soft as he sets down the wrench in his hand and takes a careful step towards me. Careful like he is afraid I’ll bolt, like he sees something in my eyes that he isn’t quite sure of. It’s an emotion he has never seen before on me; straight incomprehensible fury.

  “Don’t you dare ‘Juniper’ me. You lost that right you son of a bitch!” I hiss and watch Jake freeze in his step. “You Goddamn motherfucking...” I don’t finish. The anger I feel towards him overwhelms me. I lunge for him and smack him as hard as I can. He’s taller than me by a lot and I have to reach to hit him. I claw and scratch. Kick and punch. I’m so angry.

  “Twenty-five minutes from us. You’re twenty-five minutes.” I’m hysterical.

  Jake lets me get hits in on him, then says, “Enough.” His voice is darker and deeper than I remember. He scoops me up and throws me over his shoulder as if I weigh nothing.

  “Boss, need a few,” he says like I’m not pounding on his back and screaming.

  “Put me down, Jake Daniels!”

  “Feisty one huh, Jake,” Stout chuckles then says, “take all the time you need.”

  Jake walks us up a set of metal stairs and through a door. My world is flipped upside down when he rights me and deposits me on the edge of a desk, then wraps his arms tightly around me, including my arms so that I can’t move.

  “Calm down, June,” he says.

  I breathe in and out, deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I won’t look at Jake. I can’t. I’m afraid that if I do, I’ll get drawn right back into him. My eyes are trained on a certification award on the wall behind the desk. My body is rigid. I try not to think about the fact that I am in Jake’s arms and his beautiful masculine scent is surrounding me. Instead, I focus on my behavior and try to get it under control. I’ve thought about how I would be if I saw him again, but no way did those thoughts include me going batshit crazy.

  I focus on my anger. He pretended to be someone he wasn’t. He left us, without an explanation and broke my heart. He has a daughter that he doesn’t even know about because he wouldn’t read any letters and now he’s out of jail working relatively close to us and he hasn’t even tried to look me up.

  Oh, God. Lily. What am I going to do? How can I let him know about her now? He could leave her feeling the way I do. Get her to fall in love with him and then disappear. Is that fair to her? Could she forgive me if she knew? I suck in a lungful of air and demand, “Let me go.”

  “You going to hit me again, if I release you?”

  I glare at him and my breath catches in my throat seeing as I’m eye to eye with him again. I don’t want to look, but I can’t help it. “I won’t hit you. Let me go,” I demand.

  He releases my arms but doesn’t retreat, “Someone stole your car. What kind of shit are you in, June?” he asks directly with little emotion in his voice.

  I glare even harder at him.

  “Answer me, June,” he growls. Although this is a beefier version of the Jake I knew, something about his tone makes me question that I know him at all. He’s harder, prison must have made him that way. For a second, my anger resolves, thinking about him behind bars for four years.

  “That’s the first real thing you're going to ask me? No ‘hey June’? How have you been? Or ‘Hey, I’ve been trying to find you’? Or even better, ‘I lied because…’?’No, you think I’m in some shit? I was out with Liz last night on East Fourth Street and my car was stolen. That’s it. They found it and the cop knew me, so he called in a favor and had it brought here. Now, nice seeing you Jake,” I say with a sneer, “but I think it’s time we end this reunion.”

  “No,” he says sternly.

  “What does that mean ‘no’?”

  “It means,” he grits out, “I’ve stayed away from you for your own good for a long time, and now you walk in here and your car has been stolen and you attack me? It’s been a long time since I let anyone get a hit on me and to have a blow come from you, June, what the fuck?”

  I suddenly, feel bad for hitting him. He got enough of that from his dad. How could I be that person? How can I put my hands on the man whose had my heart since I was a girl? My guilt takes over for my anger and all I want to do is retreat and figure out how I feel. This isn’t me. This isn't the woman I want to be. I hate that I just hit him.

  “It was a shock seeing you. I shouldn’t have hit you.” It’s not an apology, however my eyes hold nothing but remorse.

  “No, you shouldn’t have,” he says breathing hard. “You got insurance on your car?”

  I nod my head and feel my body relax, even though my heart's still beating wildly. My head is a whirlwind. I feel my anger recede and replaced by confusion. I stare hard at him and then my chin quivers and my eyes flood with tears. I don’t want them to spill out. I hate that I still carry this pain inside of me.

  “Good. You’re a priority. I’ll get your car fixed right away.”

  Is that it? Is he just going to fix my car and walk away again? God, this hurts. My chest feels tight and those tears seep out of the corner of my eyes. I don't think I meant anything to him. How can he be so casual? It burns deeply in my soul.

  “Shit, baby. Don't cry for me. I don't get your tears. I’m going to fix your car. When I get off work tonight we’ll talk. Yeah?

  He wants to talk about car repairs? My world is falling apart and being flipped on its axis and that’s where we are? “I’ll cry for me, then.” I look away, wanting to curl up and pretend the last twenty-four hours hadn’t brought me here.

  He grips my chin between his fingers and redirects my eyes to his and wraps his arms around me again; this time in comfort, not to restrain me. He must feel bad for me. This has to be sympathy for the poor, broken woman in front of him. I want to harbor my anger so badly. At least anger is something I can grasp. This helplessness with him in front of me is more than I can handle.

  I know I should fight against his embrace. I should push him away, but the way he has always provided me with comfort comes so naturally that my body betrays me by curling into him. The soft fabric of his shirt a
nd the smell of oil and sweat surround me.

  I let a few more tears leak out and whisper, “Why?” I hate the sound of it coming out of my lips. I hate that I sound desperate and needy, but I'm angry because he left me for six long years with no answers.

  He sucks in a breath and says, “Meet me tonight?” Lily’s been gone for the last day and I’m not so sure I can get a sitter. He must sense see the conflict on my face. “I know you don't owe me your time, but let me explain things to you. I owe you that. I can come to you. Meet you at your house?”

  “No, that’s not going to work for me.”

  “You got a man at home?” he questions.

  “I don’t owe you that either.” I push away from his embrace, stand up and walk towards the door. “I have to get out of here. This is too much.”

  “I get seeing me again is a shock. I’ll give you a day to get used to the idea and then we’re talking,” he says as I walk out of the office. I begin to descend the metal stairs when I hear, “June?”

  I look back to see what he has to say.

  “Don’t hate me” It’s a plea, one he doesn't have to make. I’m angrier than ever, but I could never hate Jake Daniels.

  Chapter Twelve

  “Liz, I swear to God. You better call me back the second you get this.” I leave the second message in fifteen minutes on Liz’s voicemail. Daryn is dropping Lily off in fifteen minutes and I was hoping to get my head on straight before she got home. I need advice and I need it pronto.

  I don’t hear from Liz and before I know it, my door is thrown open and a hyper Lily bounces in.

  “Hey, Mom! Whose car is that in the driveway?” she asks.

  “Hi, I didn't say anything to her,” Daryn says from the doorway.

  “Say anything to me about what?” Lily asks.

  “Oh, I had some car troubles and this one is a rental.” That seems to placate her and she runs off.

  “I left Grace in the car. Did you get everything taken care of?” Daryn asks.

  “I did, thanks again.”

  “Don’t mean to pry, but are you okay? It looks like you’ve been crying.” Drats. If Daryn can pick up on that, then so can Lily.

  “Yeah, I’m totally fine,” I lie. “Thanks again.”

  Daryn gives me a smile that says he doesn't believe me, but that he respects my space and waves goodbye. “Okay, call me if you need anything, June.”

  I fix myself up in the bathroom mirror while Lily plays in her room and start an early dinner, trying to keep my mind off of Jake.

  After an hour and a half of watching Sofia the First and the two of us curled up on the couch with bellies full of beef stroganoff, my phone finally rings.

  Liz’s name flashes across the screen, “Finally,” I answer.

  “Is everything okay? Is it Lily?” she asks.

  “Hold on,” I say looking at Lily who is so engrossed in the TV, she doesn’t pay much mind to me getting up. I walk in the kitchen and pour a glass of white wine and walk out my backdoor to sit in one of the large, over-sized patio chairs.

  “No everything isn’t okay,” I tell Liz.

  “Why what happened? Lily?”

  “Lily is fine. You’ll never guess who I saw today,”

  “Who?” she asks concerned.

  “I went to this shop that my car was towed to, and Jake was under the hood of my car.”

  “Jake? As in Jake?” she asks and I can hear the panic in her voice.

  “Yes, as in Jake,” I whisper even though Lily is in the house.

  “Oh, my God. What happened?” she asks.

  “I freaked; I went nutso. I started hitting him and screaming at him, and then he threw me over his shoulder brought me in the other room until I calmed down and then basically said he wants to talk and that he’ll give me until tomorrow. I don’t know what got into me. I can’t believe I hit him. I can’t believe he’s been here. I’m a wreck, Liz.

  “Holy shit,” she says releasing a breath.

  “Yeah, holy shit. What am I going to do?”

  We talk for over an hour, going over what he said to me and if I want to tell him about Lily. I know I should, but I want to protect her. Liz thinks I should do it right away, but I feel more cautious like I need to hear his story first and then decide. We finish debating how I should handle this with a final plea from Liz, “June, it’s been a long time and I know you’ve never truly gotten over him. Hear him out, if no other reason than to give yourself some peace. You deserve that.”

  I chew on that all night until I finally fall asleep. I wake up and get Lily ready for school, drop her off and call off work. I tell them that my car was stolen and that I need the day off. My boss is completely understanding and we discuss doing a piece on car theft in Cleveland. I pace around my house, cleaning things twice, then three times. I’m antsy and I can’t help it. At ten o'clock my phone rings and I don’t hesitate answering it.

  “June,” Jake’s voice washes over me from the other end of the phone line.

  I didn’t give him my number so I’m surprised to hear my name roll from his lips. I’m also surprised to find I’m not holding on to the same hostility. I guess Liz’s talk really helped. “How did you get my number?” I ask.

  “The police department gave us all of your contact info.”

  Well, I guess that makes sense. I pause waiting to hear what he has to say, “I need to meet you, June.”

  “I took the day off. Can we meet during the day?” I ask.

  “What time were you thinking?” he asks.

  “The earlier the better. Can you get out of work?” I ask pacing my living room, anxious to finally get some answers.

  “How’s one?”

  “That can work. Meet me at the Lake?”

  “Hmm, that’s closer to me, I can do twelve-thirty then,” he says and I get a ball of butterflies in my stomach as butterflies swirl around in my stomach. This sounds so much like the Jake I remember.

  “Sounds good,” I say and pause not sure what to say next.

  “Okay, see you then,” he says and disconnects, letting me off of the hook for my loss of words.

  I struggle with what to wear and ultimately decide on jean shorts and a t-shirt. I don’t want him to think I’m dressing up for him, even though I can’t help but spend an extra ten minutes on my make-up. I text Liz and let her know that I’m meeting him and promise to fill her in on all of the details as soon as it’s done.

  I make it to the Lake before Jake. I do this on purpose, hoping my nerves will calm down by the time he gets here.

  There’s no wind today. Everything feels still. Even the Lake is flat today. They call it glass because it’s so calm you can actually see perfect reflections. The only ripples in the water come from the occasional boat passing through, but even then, the break walls stop most of the momentum. I stand on the small bridge, the freshly stained wood sticks to the bottom of my shoes. As I watch where the river and lake meet, I notice the tremble in my hands. I try to calm myself and focus on the water. I take in the scent of fresh water and fish filling the air.

  There’s no current today, at least if there is I can’t see it. I wonder how our lives would have turned out if there had been no current all of those years ago and if Mike Daniels had never gotten swept away.

  I see him pull up in a newer black truck. When he steps out my breath hitches. He looks like the Jake from my past, but he’s different too. He’s even more beautiful than the Jake I remember. He’s filled out so much and I imagine him working out in a prison yard. I hate that thought. He looks around seeking me out and once he spots me his walk is quick.

  “June,” he greets me. I war between wanting to hit him and wanting to run to his arms, so instead I stay put and wait for his lead.

  “You remember this place, huh?” he asks.

  “I remember everything, Jake. Or shall I call you Lucas?” I sneer.

  “Jake’s just fine, June. Walk with me. I’ll do my best to explain.”

&nbs
p; My feet are frozen in place and I suddenly feel like this is a bad idea. After all this time, does it even matter what his explanation is? What if whatever he is going to tell me hurts more; or even worse than that, what if I want to forgive him? I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive Jake Daniels, but on the flip side I owe this to Lily.

  Sensing my hesitation Jake takes a tentative step back, “Please?” he asks.

  I nod and walk towards the beach. It’s empty. I figured it would be since school started last month.

  I take my flip flops off and leave them in the sand feeling the warm grains beneath my toes.

  “Alright,” he lets out a deep breath cutting straight to the chase, “You remember that day on the boat?”

  “Of course I do,” I remember everything about that night. I stop giving him attitude. It’s not going to get us anywhere and now that he started talking I really want to hear what he has to say.

  “Well, when I got home after dropping you off at your parent’s summer house, a man by the name of Eli Doyle was waiting for me. He saw everything that happened on the boat. My dad owed this guy a lot of money from the tables, so he was pissed. He told me he would hunt you down and he would make me suffer watching what he planned on doing to you if I didn't start working for him. I’d heard of this guy, June and he was no good; worse than my dad ever was. So, at first it was easy stuff, I’d pick up money for him when he told me to and then it turned into bigger things, like taking a bat to someone when they didn't pay. It got bad. I hated doing the shit he made me do. The only good thing at that time of my life was Mrs. Jones, one of the librarians. She noticed that I was always taking out books on music, so she offered to teach me some things. I took to it like a natural. I swear if I didn’t have that, I’m not sure what I would have done. I hated my life, and June I gotta tell you, there were times I felt like ending it.”

  I suck in a deep breath. I can’t imagine Jake beating people for money and I can't imagine him being so low that he’d want to kill himself. My mind is going a million different directions. “Jake,” I say softly tilting my head towards him feeling compassion above all other feelings.